Intro/Moving in Together/Pre SD Weekend Feels
Hi all. First time post here so I'll provide some background: SO and I have been together for about three years. He has SD10 and I am child free. He and BM (low conflict, we get along pretty well) have 50/50 with EOWE too. BM works 12 hour shifts so we have SD when BM is working, basically. It works for us. SO just bought a house a few months ago and I moved in with him and SD. It's been ok so far, but it's also been some adjustment for us.
Before we lived together SO didn't have to tell me about a lot of SD's going ons because they often happened when we were apart, but now SO is learning he has to communicate with me the things that are happening in our house. Like planning to have three 10 year olds come over one afternoon for SD's birthday party. Or the play date SD was talking to him about the other day. I am, of course, the last person to know anything. Drives me nuts. So last night I told him he needs to start telling me about that stuff BEFORE he plans everything. What if I had plans for us? He was in agreement and said he needed the reminder. I'm sure I'll need me to say something many more times too.
SO has started to leave SD home alone this summer. It's usually one day a week she's at our house alone. She admitted to eating a lot of junk food the other day. I found 5 small bags of chips in the trash and several fruit snack wrappers (they were on top, it's not like I dug for them, lol. She wasn't very sneaky.). When SO got home we talked about making better choices and adding in veggies and fruits to snack time. She also wasn't dressed when I got home after 5 pm. So, I had to ask her to do that too. It's like he just has SD start doing things like this, but doesn't give her any expectations so she doesn't know what she's actually supposed to be doing. I don't get that. It's like, sink or swim, you know?
SD and I generally get along pretty well. We like to craft and we watch some of the same TV shows. Our interests align pretty well. There was a period of time about a year and a half ago where SD and I didn't always have the greatest time together though. She was pretty possessive of her dad and she'd often try to compete with me for his attention. She'd interrupt our conversations, physically come between us (we did some of forced group hugs), and she'd plan things with SO in front of me, but not include me. It was not a great time, but a lot of that behavior doesn't happen as often anymore. The attention-seeking behavior I mostly ignore, and the interrupting is usually met with me or SO asking her to please wait her turn.
SD is an only child (for both SO and BM) and is spoiled. Every time I see her she is telling me about something BM has bought her on Amazon. Or about a new toy she found at the store. Or something else she really, really, really wants. It can be a little exhausting. I used to be into buying her things too, but have stopped and really only get her stuff for holidays/birthdays now. Or the occasional, "hey I saw this and thought you'd like it," but even that's kind of lost it's sparkle with all the stuff she gets from BM. She'll usually forget about a toy or a craft once she's done playing with it. After we moved SO and I went through her toys while she was gone at a week long camp and got rid of a lot of things she was too old for or hadn't played with in a while. She hasn't mentioned not being able to find anything we got rid of, lol, so I think we're in the clear. I ended up donating an entire tote of toys plus a couple small boxes. It was a lot, but it's exactly the reason I don't buy her stuff anymore.
As mentioned, she's having a birthday party in a couple weeks with three of her friends at our new house. I've met her friends and they're great girls. The thing is, when SD is around them she's kind of rude and bossy. The last time she had a friend over I nearly died with how she treated her friend. SO is hard of hearing so I usually keep my ears open every once and a while and listen to the girls to make sure they're doing ok. I overheard SD and her friend playing. Her friend was trying to tell SD what she wanted the barbies to do next and instead of listening to her SD just kept repeating her friend's name to get her to stop talking. Then when her friend did stop SD told her what was going to happen next with the barbies. I felt bad for her friend, to be steamrolled like that. Ouch. She was like that the entire time her friend was there. Really pushy and kinda mean. If she treats her friends like that I can't imagine what her next year in middle school will be like. (Her school has 5th grade in the middle school.) She's got this little spark of mean girl in her and I'm a little worried SO and BM aren't going to do much to tame it. They're pretty passive parents. I think BM thinks she can buy SD's affection and SO thinks if he's SD's best friend then everything's good. It's so weird to me to see parents be like this.
Tonight is our last SD free night before she comes back tomorrow night for the weekend. I wish I was looking forward to it more, but sometimes I just don't feel like having her around, you know? SD and I are spending some time together on Saturday. SO has a concert he's going to with his brother that night. He'll be gone at night, so I agreed to keep SD at our house and hang with her. I know once the time comes I won't be so "bleh" about it... just in my weird pre-weekend feels.
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Comments
Get a large calendar and
Get a large calendar and every Sunday night ask DH his schedule for the week, put yours on it and SD's. That should clear up that problem. Don't rely on DH to write on it. That's too much trouble for most men.
Don't change your plans if he goofs. Like, what would he do if you weren't there? He'd figure it out. Do not go all out being the "mom" in your house. SD has one and doesn't need another.
What SD could use is an "fun aunt " figure who can give her some truth about the world and friends. You can't care more than the parents, but you can carve out a role that protects you from drama of raising a SD. Drama is for the parents to handle and dad should keep you out of firing range. Regarding too much stuff, as head female in the house , you can set the tone for where all that stuff belongs ( in her room) and can have charity purge sessions when it's time to clear some junk out. It either goes back to BMs or donate it.
Don't lose yourself, set harsh firm boundaries now, you can relax them later. It's easier that way then trying to set firm ones later.
I think a 10 year old is too
I think a 10 year old is too young to be alone at home for any long stretch of time.. it's not unusual that she isn't making good choices and acting more mature. because she is 10. I mean.. maybe a quick trip to the store or an hour between her coming home from school and someone getting home..but I think she needs an adult present if she is there for the day. I know you both work..but he needs to figure that out.
I definitely agree and I wouldn't expect a child to
not snack on things since they probably do not know how to make too much nor do you want a 10 year old using a stove or any appliances like that while an adult is not home. While I definitely disagree on a 10 year old being home alone during the day. A suggestion is to make a plate up for the child in fridge with a note on it to microwave it and how much time, etc. or make a sandwich with fruit or veggies, so that she at least is getting a proper lunch while no one is home.
We had a snack space in our
We had a snack space in our kitchen.. pantry and fridge where the kids knew what "free range" foods were.. but the idea of doing meal prep for the kid.. and that could even be an activity dad could do on sundays.. and prep food for the week all portioned out in cute containers that the kid knwos what to eat each day.
Yes exactly!
And SD could help dad on Sundays meal prep for the week too. I personally would also need a home alarm system that notifies my phone too. My aunt and uncle have one that notifies them any exterior door opens, a window opens, and someone rings the doorbell.
again, I wouldn't be okay with this but if it is unavoidable, the meal prep and the home security systems would be musts for me.
Hey there! Thanks for your
Hey there! Thanks for your advice. SO actually does make her a lunch every day she's home alone (usually a sandwhich, veggies, fruit, some chips/crackers, a fruit snack). SD chooses to have the snacks later, after her lunch. We're ok with her snacking, but she needs to make better choices. We went over how to do that... If she has chips, make sure to have some veg/fruit to balance it out. Looked like a lightbulb went off for her, so hopefully that helped her a little. Trust me, my expectations were not high for her when SO told me this was the plan this summer. I knew there would be snacking and messes, lol, I too was a 10 year old girl at some point.
Honestly, this wasn't my
Honestly, this wasn't my suggestion. SO decided this was what he wanted SD to do this summer because she'll be aging out of day care this year. He thinks having her stay home alone will help the transition, but I've honestly thought it was such a backwards way of doing things. Wouldn't we rather start with a shorter time, not longer? But, I kept out of it. I let him decide this and I guess I'm kind of along for the ride. I read your other comments so I hope it's ok I address them here, too. Neither of us were mad about SD and her many snacks, lol. It was something I thought might happen, but apparently never crossed my SO's mind. He does prep her meal for her when she's home alone, so she doesn't have to worry about that. I don't help with any of that, either. We have a snack cupboard that she has access too, but I think I should go through and move some of our more "junk food" snacks to a higher shelf to keep it safe, lol.
Try to read posts and comments on here
Welcome to Steptalk!
There are a lot of things going on that are very positive with your and SO and SD. Definitely maintain strong firm boundaries. And definitely keep strong communication between you and SO. I think you are in the rught frame of mind in understanding the dynamics and which ones need correcting.
A few things stuck out at me:
1. Sd's mean girl streak. I think it will get worse not better. With 50/50 she can hide a lot of personality things. This is a worriesome trend.
2. The mini-wife tendencies. Hopefully when teen years come along, this doesnt rear its ugly head up.
3. You are correct in not inundating her with "stuff". I try to invest in experiences myself. Thats what I did to bond. Her parents being the BFF parents. This will be harder to deal with during the teen years.
4. The food thing- as much as you can try - you are not the parent and you cannot care more than the bio parents. Trying to curtail bad eating habits might backfire on you later...but I too try to have healthy foods around and just dont buy the junk food.
Overall positive picture
Overall, I think your situation is positive but you are correct in your observations. Yes, get the big calendar, that works for us. We keep it on the kitchen table. The other posters had good ideas. As to the mean girl tendency, perhaps you can approach this in a roundabout manner, like if you're watching a tv program or talking about someone who shows those tendencies, you could say, "I wonder how (victim) feels when somebody says that, how would you feel?", in other words, developing empathy.
Great feedback. I just want
Great feedback. I just want to state I too think it's a bad idea to leave a ten yo home alone so much, especially one that already has some problems with interpersonal relations. What your SD needs is the exact opposite - lots of socialization, exposure to different people, and lots of opportunities to engage in group/team based activities like sports.
My middle-aged OSD was an angry child that had difficulty getting along with others. Instead of addressing the problems, her parents allowed OSD to homeschool from middle school on, left home alone where her wrongheaded beliefs went unchallenged. OSD never learned how to be a friend, or part of a team, or how to succeed within a pre-existing framework. She never developed any interests, got a participation trophy, attended sleepovers or schools dances, or went to college. OSD rages, lacks empathy and coping skills, can't stand being crossed, and grew up to be a stunted, socially awkward narcissist. Her parents failed her.
It's a parent's job to correct inappropriate behaviors and beliefs in their children. They need to be socialized and kept busy, too. Your H is dropping the ball by allowing his daughter to free range instead of finding age-appropriate activities for her to do this summer. If you can make helpful suggestions and perhaps find some stuff for your SD to do, you'll be helping her and yourself in the long run. Don't be okay with this.