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time ticks away

cruder's picture

Hi there, thanks for the comments. Now, I don't want to sound too negative about Z here. Essentially, Z's a good kid -deep down. I was a bit flustered when i wrote my intro. Hes been away because he didnt come home one night last week, and then came home drunk the next, then called his mom a 'stuck up bitch' because she wouldnt let him instantly go out and hang with his friends the next day,,so we offered him a chance to catch up with his grandmother in chch. Hes comnig back on wednesday. I've....i'm gonna buy a pair of earplugs and pray that everything goes smooth. Z is kinda a mix of mild dyslexia/dyspraxia, emo/goth tendencies, nearly 15,an only child, brought up by his solo mom most his life , getting what he wants most his life, having low impulse control and just on the cusp of getting into booze/the opposite sex(well - maybe the opposite cant assume nothin'). And yeah, hes making noises about wanting to leave home and getting a job. Although hes just 14. Its like its rebellion for the sake of it. We are very liberal people ourselve who like music and culture. Maybe he dosent respect us. Maybe he dosent think we're an authority. But back to the afraid here in New Zealand there aint too many jobs for 14 yr olds (or anyone...naah). His peer group are generally narcisssistic teens into goth/metal/emo. He goes to a fairly arts based liberal school - which is probably good for him - being dyslexic itll be good for him to find maybe music as a release or vocation. I myself am a musician.
Yes, this is New Zealand, a beautiful country, an absolute jewel, especially the South Island. We live in Dunedin, a university town with a good culture and a very easy-going lifestyle. Its easy to get from a to b. its small(ish).
Sometimes i think Z is a pure product of consumer culture circa 1990-2000s. Instant gratification and instant information is his prerequisite mode of life. And so it is with many other tweens and teens. even kiddies. Theres no doubt that marketers start off aiming their messages and ploys toward toddlers - even babies. So, often i think his behaviour maybe isnt all - his doing. But then, there must be a some part of it hat is him. i don't know. So, me and my partner are going to spend our last day without him in a remote hut in a pristine native bush area. The next mornig ill get up at dawn , amongst the stillness, and ask the gods for a peacefull week. Send me your peacefull vibes people. May our small house not experience any fights. Please! May he come home and be happy, be attnetive to others, consider others. May he realise that he'll be more likely to get what he wants if he was nicer to us. he dosent even greaze - he demands. I suppose that may be an aspect of his learning difficulty. I don't know.
You see, Z and X have a very very intense , quite dyspfunctional relationship. As a step parent, I must watch from a sort of philsophical sideline.
Its tough work, as you all know.


Jon-Boy's picture

There is a guy at my work that is dyslexic, I believe.

His attitude is, when he walks in the door he will flip you off 1st to greet you.
This is everyday without fail. I think in his mind as a defence he needs to know that as he makes mistakes in his life, who is going to always be true to him. So constantly testing the social order is a way of knowing where he belongs.

I think having a socially noticeable trait is a hard thing to deal with.
At this age expressing himself is needed. He does need to figure things out.
But as a father to him, I would always quickly point out his behavioral traits, where they lead, what can go wrong, his health, his social positioning with his actions. When he acts out he is testing what he can get away with. I tell my sons when they do this, they are taking the easy road. Anyone can fool anybody. And for a small moment in time you might fool people with what you are displaying of yourself.
But the true test of friends and social order involves, trust, respect, loyalty, positiveness, love and understanding.

Just a observation from me.
Not sure any of this sparks a new thought for ya or not.
And also...
I am not sure how much you are on the sidelines with him.
But if you are his main male figure in his life. This is the time to get off the side lines and get in the game.
Every boy needs a mentor, needs a father. With no real guidance in his life, he will run wild, and take high risks.

DoingItAgain's picture

14 and calling me (mom) a stuck up bitch? I'd send that kid to military school so fast and he'll find out how stuck up I am!

Sorry, I've got no other advice for handling a disrepectful, delinquent-in-the-making, teen. Mom needs to step up and quick to get his behavior under control as I suspect it's going to get much worse.

All you can do is be a good role model, treat his mom with respect, suggest some boundaries and then stand by moms decisions. Good luck!