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Blindsided

Cortney78's picture

Submitted by Cortney78 on Mon, 08/08/2011 - 12:26am

Hi. Brand new to this but looking forward to the responses. I have been married to my husband for five and a half yrs. My sd's are fifteen and eight and we have had a good relationship from the beginning. Out of nowhere recently I was told by my husband that his ex-wife told him that I said inappropriate things in front of the girls and it really upset them. What I said was an anatomically correct explanation to a question from the youngest. Nothing dirty or inappropriate at all. But I am bothered by two things. One..that they are going home and telling "mom" things I say to purposely get me into trouble and two..that my husband and his ex are having secret conversations about me and I am being notified about them days or even weeks later...I also found out that the girls tell their mom that I am mean to their dad. We have our disagreements but never fight and if we argue we always make up almost as soon as the words come out of our mouths. We have a great marriage and get along very well. I have to hold my opinions back a lot about what I think should be done in instances of discipline and other issues but am getting used to taking a backseat with parenting. I feel like I am starting to resent the girls. I hate that feeling. I used to want to do things with them but now I am just angry and am leaving all of the parenting up to my husband. Am I right in feeling this way or should I grow up and get over it???

Comments

Kes's picture

Submitted by Kes on Mon, 08/08/2011 - 6:33am

I disagree with Stv3. I don't think it is at all appropriate for your husband to keep things from you regarding what passes between him and his ex, if it involves you. Also he should have given you the benefit of the doubt, found out from you exactly what was said and then tell his ex to sling her hook.

Leaving the parenting up to your husband is what a lot of us steps do - it's referred to as disengaging. Basically you have little to do with the care and discipline of your SKIDS, your DH does it all, except where safety/health are involved. eg your SKID hurt themselves while DH was not immediately available, you would give first aid. DH is NOT allowed to leave SKIDS in your care and go off and do his own thing. (I'm assuming you do not have full time care of the SKIDS here.)
I disengaged 8 years ago when my SDs were 8 and 6, and no longer have anything to do with them except cook a meal once in a while. (We have them every other weekend.) I have virtually no relationship with my SDs apart from I say hello to them when they first get up in the morning or enter the house, and goodbye when they leave. Occasionally a bit of conversation with the 16 yr old.

Try to avoid at any cost your SKIDS creating a rift in your marriage. I have a happy marriage - we only ever argue about SDs or their mother. It really helps if you and your husband are on the same page.