You are here

SS15 wants to murder me and our family

constantly_irritated's picture

Last week I went into SS15's room to check that he had cleaned it before he went to his mom's. It needs to be vacuumed and I wanted to make sure there was nothing on the floor. On his desk was an open notebook, so I read the page that it was open to. The first paragraph was all about how I had told him to go write down things he is good at to find some motivation in life. The second paragraph started with, "I often contemplate the murder of my stepmother, but I care enough to know that would do me no good." The paragraph ended with "I guess I'll just do my work at school and plan the murder of my family, jk lol."

He hasn't been back in my house since.

DH was outraged with SS15 at first and freaked out about out little kids safety. But then he took SS15 to the ER for a threat assessment and they said we should get him counseling and secure all unsafe items. SS15 gets counseling sporadically for all of the other threatening comments he has made to his classmates and teachers, but only gets it when I CONSTANTLY remind DH to make the appointments. "Oh yeah, I gotta do that." is the answer most times I remind him. Anyway, SS15 went to DH's friend's house for two nights, and when she finally responded, SS finally went to BM's. He has an appointment with his regular counselor on Wednesday and DH made a "family" appt on March 3.

Slowly DH has changed his tune (as I'm sure MANY of you have noticed they do). Now he's saying stuff like, "He doesn't have to come back here if YOU don't want him to." Or "What would it take to convince you that he is not a threat?"

My answer is that there is nothing that will convince me. If SS sleeps here I will not sleep at all and the other kids will be in my room with the door locked while I point (something) at the door. IF he were 8, 10, 12, I would waver, but he is 15 and man-sized. I was on him about his grades that weekend (see previous entry), but not as bad as DH was. And DH reminds me that maybe I was too hard on him. What about the teachers he threatened to kill in May when they told him he was too dangerous to go to the 8th grade dance? He was suspended for the last 7 days of school. OR the threat assessment that was done on him in 7th grade when he threatened to blow up the school and hit a teacher with a bat.

The other two biggest things that DH keeps forgetting: 1. SS15 hasn't even ASKED to come back home. 2. SS15 has not even apologized for writing that stuff, let alone tried to convince anyone that he isn't dangerous.

So I'm sticking to my guns and not allowing him to come back. DH has said that maybe he will get an apartment so that he can stay will SS when he has his custody, and I'm like go for it. (It bs anyway, it'd be cheaper to pay CS to BM) I am taking myself out of the equation here. They can say I kicked him out or that I was SO MEAN :sick: , but that's the last bit of ammo they get from me. I am always to blame, BM texted SS all summer about how DH was choosing me and my kids over him (classic). So she can have that. Now THEY can try to set boundaries and THEY can try to say no to this psychopath and THEY can have him break all the rules and threaten to kill THEM. I'm done being the fall guy. If he was my bio-kid he would have been in weekly therapy for years and been getting the help he needs. At this point, the two goofballs who made him can figure out how to make it through the next three years.

Anyone who sees me as the bad guy can say what they want. I am a good mother protecting my children and setting a hard boundary against SS15. You don't get to write the word murder twice about your family and continue to be a part of the family until you prove that you're not dangerous. So far the only one trying to bully me into believing SS isn't dangerous is DH, not SS. So SS15 is now a free bird, he can fly out in the world and con all the people he meets, I pray for all who come in contact with him.


bellladonna's picture

That's terrifying. His threats should most definitely be taken seriously. You have to protect yourself and your children.

The main concern is that DH doesn't seem to be taking this seriously

constantly_irritated's picture

Totally, he's blinded by guilt and some sort of win/lose thing with BM. Like if she gets custody or SS15 ends up in some institution then DH loses some sort of parenting competition. SS15 is the one who needs help and my hands are tied, so I say adios to all that drama.

Disneyfan's picture

Based on what your husband is saying now, the kid will be back in your home. Since you believe his threats are real, why are you staying in this relationship?????

Your life and the life of your children are at stake here. With that kids documented history of death threats, getting supervised visits for your kids should be easy.

constantly_irritated's picture

For sure. I hear what you're saying and I will be moving out with my children if SS comes back to live with us. DH and I have a pretty strong relationship in everything except this and I really feel like I can go to live elsewhere until DH wakes up or I find another stud muffin. I love him, but really enjoy living and my beautiful bio kids.

Disneyfan's picture

"I don't get how these men can't take that shit seriously,"

They don't take it seriously because their wives do not. No one who truly believes their live is in danger stays in the home with the person who made the threat. You get the hell out of Dodge.

constantly_irritated's picture

Totally. If a grown man made death threats, the police would be involved. I know for a fact that if he come even close to that at school, they are on high alert and will expel him. It's a matter of time The grown up world is creeping up on him and the first step I take is set a hard boundary against him coming near me and my kids.

MrsCancer1973's picture


Why does he not take it seriously?
Because bio parents, a lot of them, do not want to believe their kid are psycho. That kid is a psychopath.

still learning's picture

Damien and dh's relationship needs to be completely separate from you and your childrens lives. He needs to be sent to a reform school or something. What a scary kid.

constantly_irritated's picture

I agree, I think that by making him stay out of my life and the life of my kids, it will be up to his bio parents to face reality. I really feel like I've been this buffer and now they can deal with the harsh reality as it crops up. My responsibility is really just to alert the school and keep the public as safe as I'm allowed to. I pray and pray for the victim that he actually finds...but it won't be me or my kids.

WTF...REALLY's picture

Very scary. Keep your distance from that kid. Never say a "parenting" word to him agin should your paths cross.

He definitely should NOT be in your home. No way. BUT.....that would not necessarily stop him from hurting you and your kids. After all, he knows where you live.

SecondGeneration's picture

I do think sometimes people over react when they read something their step-child has written; "I wish XXX was dead" etc I mean, we all at some point said we hated our parents. Most of it said it directly to our parents, the rest shared it with someone else or wrote it down, times have moved on, teenagers are getting more dramatic and its gone from there.

HOWEVER I also think it doesnt take much common sense to suss out what is a sentence said/written in anger, what is a curiosity (story book like writing about murder, because frankly theres a lot of Crime Scene Investigation programmes that do discuss "the perfect murder" my fiance and I enjoy these crime shows so its not too far a stretch to think some teens may watch and think about they would "get away with murder". There is a huge difference between that and a genuine threat or threatening behavior.

Your SS is posing a general threat, you are quite right by 15 he has passed the age of "Now I understand you are/were angry but its not ok to say/write these nasty things" because thats like age 10.

You are quite right not to let SS back in your home. I would do the same. If he was the neighbors kid your partner probably wouldnt bat an eyelid that you feel this way but this kid is his precious.

The actions of your SS are not isolated incidents, and frankly if your partner suggests again about having SS returning Id be packing my bags and seeking legal protection for my children. Threats of actual harm have to be taken seriously, and combined with an actual physically violent and threatening history with little follow up from his parents, yeah, Id be out of there before you have a messed up 17 year old that puts you all on a murder crime show.
Sorry the potential risk is too high and your partners wearing blinkers.

SecondGeneration's picture

More to the point if your partner doesnt actually take the threat seriously then hes actually making YOU more of a target. You do not know whether he is going to at some point, bring SS to the house when you are out. Then SS will have his feelings of anger justified by his father because his father isnt battling the behavior hes just blaming you.
He will then get a big pat on the back for not harming the kids and in SS head its YOU causing all issues, just like he thought and well, with you out of the picture life would be easier.

Amcc13's picture

That's horrendous. Make sure to have copies of all the documented episodes of violence and threats including his one. Then get a restraining order or leave or whatever it takes to make sure your kids are okay.

This is not okay in any way shape or form.
I agree with you- if he came back I would never sleep again either

constantly_irritated's picture

Thanks everyone. I put this out there knowing that most of you have been through similar situations and I appreciate all of the advice/stories.

irishgirl0727's picture

My SD17 posted on facebook that she wanted to slit DH's throat and has made several threats to my BD when she was 15. She has not been in our house since and will not be! She recently, left her mothers house and was bouncing from friend to friend for awhile. DH had family members try to guilt him into us letting her stay with us. I told him point blank I would move out if he did, he didn't really want to anyway, he doesn't trust her either.
SD has always been a ticking time bomb, very narcissistic! Very entitled, DH's family spoiled her rotten and used the "poor child of divorce" excuse for doing so. SD17 now lives with DH's mother, we still have very little contact with her and everytime we do it turns into drama.
Stand your ground! Your SS has lost his privilege of being part of your family unit, just as my SD has. Actions have consequence.

misSTEP's picture

At first, I thought: the kid just wrote down a random thought. No biggie. But that combined with all his OTHER issues would make me not want him around as well!