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Update on SS15 wants to kill me and family

constantly_irritated's picture

If anyone wants the whole low down they can read my last blog post.

So many of you have really helped me stay strong on this point, but I TOTALLY feel like DH is bullying me to let SS15 psycho back into the house after he wrote in a journal that he contemplates my murder and is thinking about planning the murder of his family! (Don't worry, I will take the bios and move before that happens). We will go to bed and I think he understands that I am not going to waver on this, then he spends the day with a bunch of guys that work FOR him and tell him that I'm so mean to kick a kid out. When I come home from work he is armed with all kinds of crap to yell at me about until I put my foot down.

SS15 is with BM right now and she is already on a roll with it attacking me and telling DH all of the mistakes I have made. I feel like this is such a crap show. DH says to me tonight that I never actually let him raise SS15 the way HE wanted to and that I always interfered. I told him that he gladly let me be the main parent because he checks out and doesn't spend time with SS15.

I asked DH if SS15 has even apologized for writing threats against the family, he says, "I haven't even had a chance to talk with him." Really? It's been a freaking week? Why are you fighting to get a kid in here that you haven't even taken to dinner or called for crying out loud?? They texted today and SS15 feels like he really just needs to cool off. REALLY???? How nice that HE gets to make that choice, but I DON'T!!! I'm getting screamed at in the kitchen for having grounded SS15 from video games his whole life. Like this is MY fault.

So a kid you haven't even seen or talked to in a week (except random texts) hasn't even asked to come home and hasn't apologized. What is DH fighting for. Oh and the cherry on top (some of you are going to flip on this) is that DH is telling me that SS15 can stay at his friend's (DH's bachelor friend who has always been around) when he's not at his mom's because that's where he would like to live. That's where I want to live instead of here with DH, how about that???

So SS15 gets to "cool off" from me (like I ever want him back anyway), and he gets to go away from BM (because even though she's a psycho she might make him do his homework), and I'm a b**tch because I say that that sounds pretty irresponsible. I'm about to call social services on my husband at this point. SS15 has a counseling appointment tomorrow, which I doubt anyone will get him to.

If this was a week ago, I would be bawling my eyes out, but I'm just really mad that this seems like it is going to end my marriage. DH storms out the door and drives off and it's like this is his breaking point. Days before I found the OPEN JOURNAL to the page of death threats, DH and I were all in lovey dovey town. He's turning off his emotions to me and I care about that, but MY kids and I are important too.


thinkthrice's picture

You and your family's safety come first, period. Why not invite a ravenous tiger into our homes and tie meat around our necks because tiger "looks cuddly" and not ALL tigers are maneaters, right?

H is taking his guilt out on you. Which is unfortunately extremely common. What would he say if his disturbed son were to harm you/bios or worse?

That he "didn't know" or "didn't see it coming?"

Flying.Purple.Step.Monster's picture

Can you get a restraining order against the kid? They may not arrest him for threats since he's a kid but maybe they can arrest him if he breaks the restraining order?

notsobad's picture

Stay angry.

You are right and you know that you are. Ignore BM and ignore DH. Don't argue with him or talk to him about it. When he screams at you about it, walk away. Keep calm, come here and vent, let it all out here but stay calm with DH.

SS is not allowed into your home unless and until he sees a therapist and that therapist can make you feel comfortable about him being there.

This isn't a small thing. The kids from Columbine kept journals about how they wanted to kill people.

thinkthrice's picture

We are the only animals who often ignore our intuition/sixth sense.

I know every time I've ignored my inner voice, it has been to my detriment.

Trust your gut!

Disneyfan's picture

Be careful about reporting husband while you and your kids still live there. If they find that your husband is neglectful and son need to be removed from the home, they will remove all of the children.

Stick to your guns and brace yourself for a fight

blayze's picture

Your post scares me because I just watched "We Need to Talk About Kevin" on Netflix. So what if DH gets mad... Bite back harder. That "kid" is a deal breaker.

oneoffour's picture

No one wants to think their child is flawed or dangerous. Your DH knew him from the little guy crawling around and doing cute things. And every time he thinks about his son writing these horrific desires he remembers his baby son who was so innocent and cute. Not to mention the guys at work have no idea what a prick this boy is.

When DH goes on about his son just recognise that at one time his son must have been a really cute little boy. However he is now dangerous. And don't worry where the boy is as long as it isn't in your home. If your DH was so keen to have him back he would have him in therapy already. Oh and don't be surprised with "I was only KIDDING!"

Just ignore DH and his temper man trum. It may get very close to The End but at least you are alive at the end of it.

notasm3's picture

My husband's older son was flawed and dangerous. I never met him. He's now deceased. I've seen pictures and he was an adorable little blue eyed blond cherub. But he was bad from a very early age - took a gun to school in elementary school (stole it from a neighbor).

That could have been excused as a stupid decision of an 8 or 9 year old - but he had a truly evil streak that just got worse. By his teen years he was incorrigible. He was involved in serious gang activity including murder. He was inherently mean as a snake. YSS30 is a worthless POS - but he does not have the same mean streak. He's just pathetic.

Some of the worst criminals were adorable as small children. So sad.

LikeMinded's picture

Yep... the kid has issues, so let's blame the STEPMOM! So cliche... I'm sure he's psyccho because you didn't let him play video games, not because he has psycho genes.

Your DH needs a kick in the ass.

Ex4life's picture

Please protect yourself and your children. Make copies of everything you can reports from health agencies, teachers, cops, whatever, as well as pictures and names of people who would testify for you in case you ever have to go to court to keep your kids away from SS. Your DH may some day need supervised visitation only or orders that prohibit him from ever letting SS near them. It will be much easier making copies now rather then not having easy access to theme if you and DH ever breakup. Also, keep those copies in a safe place. I would suggest a safe deposit box but a close family member or friend would work too as long as you know you can trust them.

constantly_irritated's picture

This advice has been amazing and has really helped my resolve. DH and I have talked and the storm is over for tonight, but I've had nightmares every night and WILL NOT cave. I will keep all copies and ignore DH when he starts to get angry. Luckily SS can't drive yet so I'm not worried about him coming over in the night, but hopefully by the time he's done I'm out of the equation and his bio parents have finally institutionalized him. It's a sad thought, but I don't see this ending well otherwise.

SecondGeneration's picture

Tell your DH that if he is going to start the "its all your fault" and "you never allowed me to raise SS how I wanted" tell him that he is more than welcome to go pack a bag and either return to BM to raise their precious baby or go somewhere else and do it but this teenager is not setting foot back into your house after all this violent and threatening behavior.

Remind him that his first violent and threatening episode was what? a year, 18 months ago? and DH and BM have FAILED to get on top of the behavior THEY have allowed their son to escalate to the point that hes dangerous, they have not regularly put him in counselling. Perhaps if they had done that in the beginning they could have avoided this but you are not going to gamble with your kids lives.

Its now on DH to decide how he wants to move forward, he can either move forward seeing his son outside of the home or he can pack his bags and you can get the ball rolling with divorce. You are not going to stay in a marriage with a husband who is screaming at you for your not wanting someone who has threatened to murder you and your kids. Best get this out the way sooner rather than later and start getting your ducks in a line so when DH does bring SS home (which will happen at some point) you can just go.