Okay, I'm going to get flamed, I'm sure, but unless you're in a really unique situation, there is a pretty frightening reality of divorce. Unless he's a serial killer or child molester, he's probably going to get the kids half the time, and whoever he ends up with will end up raising your kids half the time. Prayerfully, she will be as nonchalant as he is, but men like him rarely end up with women like that. They end up with movers and shakers like you. And the two of you are not going to get along.

I'm married to the same type of guy, although I'm in a poly situation, so while I have my own kids, I've never been seperated from their other parent, their mother. Even when I have wanted to claw her eyes out with my bare hands, I've refrained because I don't want someone else raising my kids.

The point is, it's frustrating sometimes to be with someone less ambitous than you. I work from home and make a lot of money. I run everything. He just sort of floats. But on the other hand, there is a set of problems that you don't have to deal with with a guy like him, and that works for me. Think about it, if you had a guy who was passionate about more things in life, there is a unique set of irritations that come from a life with a man like that.

The fact that you are confused about your feelings when your ex says he wants you back probably means you have enough feelings for him (not just the need to keep your family whole) to consider that option. If you didn't still love him a little wouldn't to react to his proposal to reconsider with a "heck no!"? Don't let him bait you with the kids feelings and anticipated resentment though. If you do it, do it cuz you want to be with him too... not just in an uncomplicated nuclear family you hope your kids will thank you for someday.

I will say that my life would be a lot less complicated and happier if it wasn't filled with steplife drama. Although I love my DH and skids, I think I would have turned away from it in the beginnings of our relationship if I knew then what I have learned in my short time as a stepmom. I'd give anything for my life to be described as "stable/predictable/comfortable/convenient".

I am taking the opposite side of this coin - you are hesitating about moving on for your kids sake - your saying that your son does not want steps says it all - you know that you do not want to be with your husband - if you truly did you would be back with him - I am going to put this very simply

You have one life to live and you deserve to have the happiest life that you can - you are not having it with your husband and with this new man you see the life that you want and should have. It is not selfish to want to be happy - so if you are going back to your husband for the kids - don't - they will know that you are unhappy - you will not be able to fake it and I feel it is a horrible example for your kids. Yes they will be pissed for a while and unhappy but once they are 18 they will be on their own and you can be stuck in a convenient/comfortable life where you die a little each year or go out there AND LIVE!!

Good luck you have some big decisions to make - I will keep you in my prayers!

I'm with caregiver* don't make decisions because of the kids. Do it for you! If you feel you can make thing work with your x (not yet but still) do. BUT something you said was "I am in love with..." people don't (at least I don't) fall in LOVE everyday. If you have found your truest love then maybe you need to be there...and not reliving the EX.

Hard to say, it's all up to you, but I wouldn't think too much about it, afterall...you only have this one life to make, be happy. So go do it...

condusedmom, what is your dream man? dream life? dream?

Confusedmom, how about you and DH go to therapy to see if you can make your marriage work? It's easy to fall in love with someone with all the qualities you've mentioned in the guy you've recently met, but somewhere down the line, you'll also start to notice negative traits - we've all got them. I haven't checked how long you've been a member of Step Talk, but please take a look through all these blogs and posts - there's a lot of heartache and frustration in the life of a SM and the skids don't seem to enjoy it too much either - which doesn't necessarily end when the skids become 18. I've read posts where SM wishes she'd poured more energy into saving her first marriage than subsequently having to pour way too much energy into trying to make things work in a blended family. At least if you both try your very very best to see if you can find a way forward, even if you come to the decision that your marriage has no future, you will know that you've given it your best shot. I've been a SM for 18 years, there's too much baggage that goes with it, it's difficult to find peace of mind. Try to save your marriage. Don't put yourself or your kids through step-life. I don't believe it's worth it.

If you could have been happy with your husband, it would not have gone so far as to be separated for 1.5 years? is my thought.

If he can really be different, emotionally available, ambitious, would he not have done it already, or during the 14 year marriage?

I cannot really relate as I have only gotten married for the first time around age 40, but I do not see staying in an unhappy marriage as a positive example for your kids.

I would think long and hard about it, but in the end this is your only life and why are you supposed to sacrifice for everyone around you.

There are thousands of parents who divorce, and many of them are MUCH happier afterwards, making them more productive and self esteemed examples for their children, even though it is hard.

You are not Jesus Christ, giving up yourself, you don't have to be, NO ONE who cares about you would want that for you.

If you want to be with this new person who matches who you are now, it is only your decision, no one else's. Go for the gusto and truly live, IMO.

But I am one of those who says, I would even do stepping over, to be married to my DH.

There are a lot of problems with the steplife - but we are all still in it and trying because we are with the men that we love - you have a tough decision ahead - how would your culture take you getting a divorce and marrying another man - if this new guy makes you happy and you really think it could work then I would do it.

Your husband is going to have lots of valid points for you staying together you have been together so long so for this man who is used to a comfortable life with you why would he want to change that - also when your husband points out about the reasons to not leave he does not bring up that he has changed or that life will change or that he will like your family and visit with you - he just points out how hard it will be with your new family - he does not sound like he has changed just trying to make your new life sound worse than the one you had with him - so basically he is telling you to choose the lesser of two evils not to pick a new kind of life with him because he has changed but not to go with the guy who makes you happy because of him and the kids and that life will be too hard.

Anything worth having and this new guy sounds like he is worth it will be worth the work - you kids are now 15 and 12 so in a few years they will be out on their own and you need to picture who you want to spend the next 40 or 50 years with after the kids are gone!

My experience was i had a marriage similar, stayed together for the kids, basically i put up with it. All along desiring "a loving man". I desired a man who was loving, caring, and someone that i could love back. Even when my ex filed, i still asked him if he could stop the divorce for the kids sake. Knowing in my heart when they were grown and gone, i would take care of my needs. He went through and we got divorced. Exactly 6 mos later my now husband called me and now looking back i am glad we got divorced because i got to have that love i always wanted EVEN THOUGH IT HAS BEEN A ROUGH RIDE WITH THE SD. I say you are one step ahead of the game by being here. I guess my advice is to wait a little longer until you know. I think the answer will come to you. In my situation, I take better care of my bio kids because i am happier now.

Of course your husband is going to tell you how hard it will be with the new guy because he wants you back!

I agree that you only live once. Of course it's scary and will no doubt be difficult, but some of the best and most rewarding things in life occur because we take a big risk and just jump. Be with the man you love!

Your kids will eventually come around, and if not, they will be adults living their own lives soon. Try blending families before getting remarried, to see if it's something you can handle. If not, you can always be single. Being single would be better than in an unhappy and unloving marriage, in my opinion. But if you don't at least give it a shot with the love of your life, you'll always wonder "what if?".

Yes, probably, no.

Yes you will regret the divorce. Whether it is the right thing to do you will regret it on some level. The kindest thing my XW ever did for me was to tell me she wanted a divorce. It was a true blessing.... but, I did regret it.

Your kids will probably be Okay. Unscathed ... no. But Okay .... yes.

No, love is not over rated. I married my XW because I loved her and I had ZERO intention of divorcing. However, her leaving me made me available to find, marry and live my life with my soul mate. My bride is an amazing woman who makes me better than I could be without her. I make her better than she could be without me. It works and it is not over rated.

Only you can decide which way you want to go. Unfortunately you will have regrets either way.

Good luck and best regards,

Dear Confused:

Back to topic.

There is no easy answer. I too was married for over 20 years with 3 lovely daughters. Unfortunately, I believe you are going through what is called a "Mid - Life crisis". Your husband is keeping things from you, you are unhappy, and have been separated for 1.5 years.

Oh how I remember longing to fall in love again.... to have someone who made me feel wonderful, needed, and loved. To wake up in the morning with a smile on my face, looking forward to the day. Well.... after my divorce... I found that man, too. We married, and I inherited a stepdaughter, and he inherited 3 stepdaughters.

My daughters accepted him easily. He is wonderful, and they adore him. His daughter, on the other hand.....accepted MY DAUGHTERS as her sisters.... how fun! But.....for 4 years has really struggled with accepting me. The first few years, there was pure jealousy on her part, and my DH had a difficult time playing middle ground.

In a nutshell.... you have a few things to deal with here:
1). Once you divorce your "husband"..... its OVER. I mean... really over. The kids sound resentful already. They will not forgive you for divorcing him as they do not see a reason for it. It can take years if not forever for them to get over it. With that... comes daily grief.

2). If your children claim they will NOT accept a step parent.... believe them! I would like to suggest, as hard as it might be.... you DATE your new love for several years prior to marriage. I say this because.... you can give your children a chance to develop a relationship with him, and if he has children the same for them.... and make sure you were not in LUST.... and are making the right decision for yourself also.

3). Your current husband, once divorced, will NOT be your "friend". In most cases. So your daily dealings with him will be difficult at best. Consider that.

4). Love, is a wonderful thing.... but, there is a serious tradeoff when kids are involved. Unaccepting stepchildren can fry a new relationship in very short order.

I wish you the best of luck.

Do you even like him romantically? You said good dad and friend, I would leave it at that.

I think every marriage deserves a second chance it is only doubt that stops us from giving it a chance i believe that after being seperated for a while the things you werent happy about become clearer and you know wat you want to do differently. ive been split up with my ex for 17 months and it has been very hard we havent spoke yet since the split but i know once we do it will give us a chance to do something about what went wrong, us women do not let things go with arguements and men dont want to constantly hear the same old same old we moan and moan instead of making the changs happen, we go on. i was guilty of that too then everything becomes resentment i know me and my ex cold have had a better relationship and i know he does too you just have to get over the doubt and lack of trust and talk you cant go steaming in straight away and it takes a lot of courage for both of you to lay your heart on the line talking in depth but talking about blame on both parts is not the way it just pushes that wedge between u. i know that me and my husband will never be fully happy with anyone else even though a band aid relationship might make you feel like it, it wont eventually as you will be less tolerant with this person because real love is deep and after a while you will see that you should have at last tried with your ex you only get out of a relationship what you put in. so both of you need to make it more exciting. in this day and age it is all too easy just to give up everything, Every up also has downs but it is not a reason to give up on a long term relationship no relationship is perfect and none will ever be so wat makes a longterm relationship work is respect effort and intention, do not give up it is better for all of your family to be a whole family there is always a different kind of relationship, in the same relationship you have had for years dont make it comfortable make it exciting i have thought so much about the wrongs and rights of my relationship, being seperated, than i would if we were still together argueing and its made me realise you can change your relationship for the better i feel me and my husband needed a learning curve to see wat we had and what we need to do to make it better he is not happy being in the life he has, even though he wouldnt admit it and neither am i, and i wouldnt admit it to him either. sometimes a break makes you see things differently, things you should have changed and can make your relationship better than before. dont give up on him a marriage is always worth a second chance but you both have to sit down and talk about the future and wat you want from that relationship wipe the deck clean and start again no going over the past no blameing eachother for the way it turned out. just start again as if you have just met move away to another area and start all over again and i hope you choose this option and if you do i wish you the best dont give up to easy because you will regret it and i know you will good luck

The bigger problem that I see is getting back together and possibly having a husband who will feel grudgingly against you for having been with someone else. You left over a yr. ago. You have started a relationship with another man. Your husband is grasping at anything to prevent losing his life as he once knew it. If you were to get together again, don't you think this will bring on a whole new set of problems when he has you back and starts feeling angered and insecure that you were with someone else?

Will I regret the divorce?

Yes you will. I regretted mine and I was married to the adulterous frigid ice queen from hell. No one marries with the intent to divorce.

Will my kids be okay?

Probably. Kids are resilient. They bounce or no kid would survive the emotional upheaval of growing up. Even in an intact initial family with two committed and parents with a viable marriage.

Is love overrated?

Nope. I can't and will never believe that. But, love is not the tingly feeling we get in various parts of our bodies when we see or think of a specific individual. Love is an action. It is a verb. Love is committing to your spouse, your family and your kids whether it is an initial or subsequent marriage or family. Love is reaffirming that commitment every day by working to support your family, being an equity partner to your spouse and in raising and disciplining your children.

Take the actions of love and the feelings will follow and be sustainable. Abandon the actions and the feelings will fade.

All IMHO of course.

Few kids like the idea of their mom & dad not being together even if mom & dad have not been together for years. I am fortunate in this arena as my SS has never experienced having his bioparents together. His SpermIdiot abandoned my wife and the baby (SS-18) when SS was not yet 1yo to run off with yet another 16yo GF when the SpermIdiot was 22yrs old.

My wife and I married before SS turned 2yo. I am the only full time and "real" dad he has ever had though the SpermIdiot is my SS's video game buddy.

My parents will celebrate their 49th anniversary this year and my ILs will celebrate their 36th.

So, my wife and I have decent examples to emulate as far as marriage is concerned.

I am on my second marriage so even though I have Ward and June Cleaver as my parental marital example I have lived the hell of a bad marriage. My XW was never all in on the marriage, cheated nearly the entire marriage and eventually ran off with her geriatric Fortune 500 Executive Sugar Daddy that she subsequently spawned with several times out of wedlock.

One thing I learned during my first marriage was that I had allowed myself to become someone I did not much care for during my first marriage. I had no confidence, I was indecisive, I was not the Rags I like being.

In hind site, my XW gave me the greatest gift I have ever received when she divorced me. She freed me to find the guy I like being and to move on to an amazing life and marriage to an incredible woman. Though I am grateful to her for freeing me, I hope that hell has a special place for my XW to rot in when she makes her well deserved trip to all 7 levels that Dante' describes.

Only you can make the decision to re-engage in your marriage or leave to take another shot with Mr. Wonderful. Regardless of what you decide sustaining or growing love in the chosen relationship will take action, will take work and will take daily re-affirmation of the commitment

Good luck with whichever rout you choose.

Best regards,