I’ve been reading many of the posts in this messageboard the past few days and felt an odd tinge of discouragement with a small amount of encouragement. I had hoped I could find my “a ha moment” just by reading, but instead I’m taking the very selfish road of writing a long story as my first post and relying on the kindness of others to take time out to read it and offer advice, so I apologize in advance.

A friend recommended this board to me, and early on in my relationship she was kind enough to let me borrow several books, which I read. Several of them actually told me the chances of this relationship working were quite low to nonexistent, but being in love as I was with this amazing father, I read the books and cautioned him that I must not be involved too much with the children’s lives, especially considering we are unconventional and do not plan on living together. I have a business that is my number one priority, and it may send me elsewhere so we knew that was always a chance and have taken things slow.

A few months into our relationship, his divorce was finally complete. It was a long road, but of course his ex wife had already been dating someone for quite some time when I met him. She had cheated on my boyfriend several times, and this was simply the last straw. She immediately found a clone and about 1 year into our relationship, she was already engaged. Now in March, they are moving in together with the girls and her fiance's son. I felt encouraged she did not seem to display any of the warning signs of continued manipulation or attachment at the time. I thought she found her new prey to supply all her desired kibbles until the kids are out of school and she moves on to the next.

But one year in, my boyfriend felt we could not wait any longer to meet the children (now 14,15,17) as he was afraid it was hindering his relationship with them. I reluctantly agreed to meet them, and that was a year ago. Since then, any attempts to be around them in a meaningful way have not been fruitful or pleasant.

He has three teenage daughters, and although they know their mother cheated on their father, they don’t know about the other times prior to that so they still have quite a strong dedication to their mother, which I have read is normal at that age. So they essentially blame their father for not giving her another chance. He feels the children should become adults before they learn the whole truth, especially because his ex wife has of course painted herself as a victim to everyone and he knows that would then extend further to his children. She is very manipulative and uses emotional outbursts to get her way. I have learned she is inappropriate with her children regarding discussions around us and our behavior, and it’s amazing how much my boyfriend has grown to navigate that. But those boundaries seemingly end with his children and he can’t control their dynamic with their mother. He literally feels like he is losing them.

No matter what we do, how careful we are, how little we ever integrate, they compare me to their mother’s new fiancé.

“When they hang around us, it’s about ‘us’ but you guys are about ‘you.’ They don’t sit together, they sit with ‘us.’”

Her new fiancé was carefully positioned by his ex wife with the children and everything has been orchestrated to great detail with the intent of merging their families together, so I'm sure it feels quite different to the children. My boyfriend has explained the differences to the girls in our goals and such but is always met with anger. We could spend all day together focusing on his children and they would cry if we spent 10 minutes alone downstairs before I left. (Yes, it’s that bad) They find every excuse to hate me, to say that I’m rude, etc. as I’m quiet and not gregarious/charming/manipulative like their mother and I feel, and have communicated to my boyfriend, in this state it is truly impossible to get them to like “me” because it’s not about “me” and I’m not convinced they need to like me anyway. (That’s easy to say when you don’t have children) I understand they are not adults, but it admittedly hurts when they are rude or complain after I’ve taken time out of my day to support them in something. I do care for his children, but it is clear not many personal boundaries were set by their father, so the children look to him for constant validation and entertainment as their mother did. The mother can essentially do whatever she wants, even when she has her 50% custody and leave her children alone and they will make excuses for her. But when the children see us do anything on our time together (on her custody days no less) they flip their lid, and unfortunately for me he has tried to invite them when we are spending our time together to see if that helped, but it did not.

I’m concerned my boyfriend is entering Disneyland Dad syndrome as he’s doing whatever he can and is getting depressed and exasperated that his relationship with his children seems to be deteriorating and no matter what he does one of his children is disappointed or hurt. He refused to go on any trips with me until he took them on several because they were upset we drove to look at barns one weekend. So he took them on several large trips including Disney more recently. They are emotional and irrational as teenagers are, and even found a way to fight at Disney. I then made the mistake of trying harder, but after decorating one of their rooms for her birthday (she loved it so much she was in tears) and decorating 5 hours for her birthday party this past weekend with my boyfriend and finding out they hate me all the same and fought with their father again about it, I realized I need to disengage because I don’t want to build up resentment in my relationship or for children going through a difficult time that don’t necessarily want my help anyway. The middle child has many issues and is a bit too attached to her father in a way I believe is unhealthy as she literally hangs off of him all the time like they are in a relationship even when I’m not around... at 15 years old which can look quite creepy to others and does bother their father. Once I joined them on a trip to Target and one girl was hanging off his shoulders/arms on each side of him in a very bizarre way making difficult for him to walk as I walked behind them and he shot me an exhausted look. Clearly, they are VERY attached and it’s an odd dynamic.

I don’t want to be their stepparent. (God help anyone who wanted to try.) If we continue in the future, I plan on having a separate residence and would not move in with them. If only the girls knew how much I really support their relationship with their father… But I am concerned for my boyfriend’s relationship with his girls and I’m not convinced it really has anything to do with me as I see them probably once a month if that now. He has told me he can’t have a relationship where his children don’t get along with his partner as he wants to avoid uncomfortable holidays, etc., but I’m beginning to think it’s more realistic to build a relationship with them over time as they become adults than to press it now thinking we will somehow come up with this magical, deep relationship with his teenage girls that is so rare it’s seemingly barely written about from what I can see. I think he’s chasing a dream that his ex wife and children like to pretend exists on the other side, but I feel will quickly deteriorate once they all move in together in March and her fiancé acts like a stepfather.

I want to do the right thing for them, and the right thing for my boyfriend. But I’m concerned as he is getting depressed and is beginning to let the children rule how he should live his life as he can't seem to stand disappointing anyone and probably has guilt about the divorce. Even for him having coffee alone in the morning is so foreign to them, so to be setting healthy boundaries NOW must be very upsetting and confusing for his girls. I’m concerned watching them with their father as to how that will translate into their own romantic relationships in the future. He has taken them to counseling and goes himself, but it doesn’t seem to be getting any better. I know his children are such a huge part of his life and I’m worried about him and his family. I’m beginning to be concerned the manipulative mother may be an issue that continues behind the scenes making our lives harder more than I imagine, and could cause problems many years into the future.

I would like to stay in this relationship. I wouldn’t have gone through this much so far if I didn’t. We have out of this world chemistry and I respect and love him so dearly. The time we spend together every other week is amazing, and I have found the on and off schedule to actually be quite refreshing and provides a great deal of autonomy I desire. It’s the best relationship of my life and I consider him to be a potential lifelong partner, but I’m wondering if disengaging will be enough for me, or be enough for my boyfriend and his ideals.

Especially after reading the adult stepchildren issues forum. Man...