You are here

The internet piles on the "Evil Stepmother" trope

WagiMorri's picture

http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2017/12/dear_prudence_m...

I’m a Dear Prudence addict and today was such a refreshing treat (sarcasm). This woman wrote in because she’s dating a man who has children (not bio kids, mind you) from a previous relationship. He’s still an active father figure in their lives. The eldest child, who is 18, has now moved in with her stepfather, has no job or plan to move out, and controls what activities he plans with his girlfriend.

The woman writing is uncomfortable with this, she feels like the odd one out, and doesn’t want to make every single plan with her boyfriend something that’s centered around his stepkids.

Never fear, here comes the internet to shame this woman for daring to not appreciate the precious stepchildren and full grown adult living with her boyfriend and dictating what they do with their time together. How dare she not love what’s happening here??! I’m so sick of women being treated this way. It is obvious that the relationship is not right for her as the dynamic isn’t going to change, but stick to telling her that! Don’t shame her for not embracing having such a dysfunctional lifestyle. Why does no one ask why the man is choosing to date someone if he’s clearly not ready to live outside of the dictation of his stepkids?

It’s one thing to say “This relationship isn’t for you and I advise you seek someone who has the same values and goals as you.”
It’s quite another to say “OMG you want him to abandon his children, you’re a terrible person, remove yourself from everyone’s life before you make them miserable. They’re right to hate you!”

Apparently by popular logic, all problems arrive with the stepmother. There is no existing dysfunction that is a legitimate issue, the only problem is that the “new arrival” has second thoughts about being treated like a doormat.
Rant over….

Comments

princessmofo's picture

I see Prudence is a child-centric hack... That entire scenario is beyond ridiculous. I'd be curious about the make-up of the relationship with the 18 year old. Sounds like a full on mini-wife in the making. Heck, to play devil's advocate here, she could become a full on wife. They aren't blood related. ICK! :sick: And personally if I were the maternal grandmother I would have serious reservations about my teenage grand-daughters spending that much time with a man who was only briefly married to their mother and is not blood related. That woman should RUN for her life.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

An 18yo who is NOT his biological daughter moved in with him... why does Soon Yi Previn come to mind?

advice.only2's picture

Well thankfully she's is only the wicked girlfriend and this point and can remove herself from this unhealthy enmeshment. I have a feeling Dear Prudence will be getting another letter very soon: "Dear Prudence, I am 18 and my stepfather who raised me has begun to have feelings for me and I for him...."

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

Even if these children were his biological children the fact that he is allowing an ADULT child to dictate his life this much is disturbing. As she said they can't even think about going on a trip over Christmas because of the kids.

Once I was an adult I was out. I still love my family very much and include my mom in a lot of my planning when it comes to trips BUT I don't demand she do it for me. It's her life.

This man is allowing these kids to be a wall between him and this woman. He is placing their every want and whim before her. She needs to get out of there.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Did Prudence not even read the letter?

She claims Mom is dead. Unless I misread, Mom is very much alive and has day-to-day custody. Also, Dad isn't absent. My guess is that Dad has EOWE or lives far enough away that he gets holidays. If Dad didn't sign away his rights when there is clearly another man willing to take on the responsibility, then Dad can't be too much of a deadbeat unless he is just an a-hole (which is possible, but given how enmeshed BF is with the girls, I'm guessing the former is the real deal).

BF is the one Prudie needs to be jumping on! He needed to back WAY the heck off so Dad could be more active and so the girls would look to their Dad for living arrangements and visitation. My guess is that Dad told SD18 that she couldn't live with him without rules, so she sucked up to BF who already had a fairly low opinion of Dad to begin with.

Point is, Letter Writer needs to RUN. She's not wrong in thinking that her BF needs to adjust his life to fit her, just as she needs to adjust hers for him and his "kids". I disagree that his relationships with the girls need to stop PROVIDED that the relationship is genuine AND the girls aren't PASed from Dad, but BF has to adjust and BE a parent. That means telling the kids how HIS life will run and how they will be involved, not the other way around.

I hope that poor woman finds STalk.

secret's picture

I think I read that Stepdad's mom has primary custody.... and that dad was never really involved in their lives.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Thanks to you and secret. I clearly can't read either, lol.

My point still stands, though.

Blue Moon's picture

I read that too on Dear Prudence and I also thought her reply was so harsh!

I mean, the boyfriend was a stepfather for only 4 YEARS, before the kid's mother died. I understand that is enough time to create a bond, but 4 years is hardly a lifetime.

Also, these kids already have a father...but nevertheless, I also think the OP should run, because the SDs seem to really have a hold on him and the OP can't and won't be happy in this situation.

The fact that the 18YO ran to live with the step dad is just... weird. AND she's not in school or working and sponges off him? NOPE!

strugglingSM's picture

Dear Prudence is the worst when it comes to stepparent situations. She consistently gives advice that steppparents should "love stepchildren as their own" and that stepchildren should always take priority over the new spouse in a relationship.

She also once advised a woman to leave the state to pursue graduate school, even if her ex husband objected because even though the letter write admitted that her ex husband was a great father, she said that the ex husband was "mean" to her.

Acratopotes's picture

WTH... thus she must share a house with a non-blood relative, young horny female?

oh hell NO...

Woody Allen springs to mind, gross

TwoOfUs's picture

This whole thing is sad...as are people's comments. Apparently, expecting your SO to parent is now considered 'evil' and 'monstrous' by most. We have no hope.