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Taking a Break part deux

CLove's picture

Yep, so this morning, because DH claims that he doesnt have the ability to manage Munchkins schooling and that I over think, I sent him screen captures of her Gradebook from Parent Portal with a summary (failing orchestra, doing poorly in English, but everything else is good) then the screen caps of details, missing work etc in all classes. A few screen grabs of her google classroom showing what is due, with a detailed description of my sort of flow, how I call every day no matter who she is with, she checks in to tell me what shes turned in, what shes working on, what she has yet to work on. 

Then detailing how her in-person classes are elective extras and now they will need to develop a new work flow of getting assignments in. This is important because starting Wed she will be with us. And Toxic Troll is transport. And she wont have a house key because TT has a history of barging into our home uninvited.

So Im proud of myself. Im backing the eff off.

This weekend, Ive got a haircut scheduled as well as a painting workshop at a beautiful home in the forest, the place where we eloped. lol. Was thinking of taking Munchkin but Im thinking shes on her own for now. She just always acts so glum and I feel I have to entertain her so she "wont get bored". Plus no cell service so no chatting with friends or mother for a few hours.

Feeling cute, might get some mussels off the rocks later idk.


Aniki's picture

Dump and run!!! LOL

Painting sounds relaxing and therapeutic. 

CLove's picture

I have painted before. This weekend will be nice.

Ive given up weekends for Munchkin...helping with school and getting frustrated. What a release! The forest and flowers and friends!

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

I am glad you are taking a step back. As many people say on here you cannot care more than the bio parents. You were able to get munchkin back on top of her schooling, but this time it is not your responsibility to. She is also more than old enough to handle the responsibility of completing her work on her own.

Enjoy your wonderfully planned day and don't stress about it, it is not your responsibility.

CLove's picture

I joke that Im the step aside and they all roll their eyes at me. I am good for doing and paying and thats about all, I guess.

Well, jokes on them because I truly am stepping back. Im not valued. So be it.

I guess Im still really PI$$ED off. Wow. 

Shes old enough, but babied and coddled. And then her mother tracter beams her in.

YES, it will be the entire weekend of fun things planned.


JRI's picture

Don't look at it as stepping back.  Look at it as another way to parent.  (I know, I know, you're not the parent.)

My mom was a relatively hands off parent and Im the same.  That means letting the kids handle their own schooling and many other things and them feeling the consequences.  It's a difficult way to parent because it hurts to watch them make mistakes but it works.

In your case, unless she brings up schooling issues, you don't mention it.  If she shows you good grades, praise her lightly.  Have to repeat a class?  Lose credit?  Its all her problem.  The girl is going to graduate and she's not a school discipline problem.  What's the worst that can happen?  She doesn't get into a choice college?  She doesn't care about that right now.  She can always go to a community college then transfer if she cares at that time.

Let's say she graduates but then doesn't go to school.  If she needs money, she will have to go to work.  Not the worst outcome and she will learn a lot there, too.

I know your underlying concern is that she will stay in the Toxic Troll swamp and not escape into a normal, bright life like you so desperately hope she will.  I hope so, too.  But few, if any, of your efforts will prevent that.  The only thing that will work is letting her become emotionally and intellectually strong enough to move away from that.  The way to make her strong is to let her get practice handling her own problems.

I sincerely feel for you.  It's very tough to watch this.

CLove's picture

And you have reiterated what Ive been told many times. Let her make her own mistakes its a part of growing up.

I just wanted her to follow in my footsteps I guess, part of what not having my own bios has taken from me. 

It is very tough to watch. But its also going to be a disaster, because I saw what happened to Feral Forger - still no drivers license, no job and no school - NOTHING in there.

JRI's picture

It's not necessarily true that she will follow in FF's footsteps.  She is a different person, not so negative as FF.   And, I know you hate to know this, but she seems to want to take care of TT.  That alone might propel her to be more active than FF.  I would feel good about her, I get a good vibe hearing about her.

The roughest part for you will be watching her make mistakes.  My mom watched me enter a disastrous marriage.  Didn't say word one.  I had to figure it out but when I needed a place to go, she was there. I have had to watch my son make an early shotgun wedding and enter the army.  This about killed me after my dad dying in the military.  But he manned up and got thru it all and is a man to be proud of.  My DH had trouble doing this standing back which is why we have the SD issue to this day.

Stay strong, Clove.  It works.

CLove's picture

"I know you hate to know this, but She seems to want to take care of TT"

well this is the reason I am backing off. Because my energy, intention, will, money, attention are all going directly to TT in the form of her caretaking. Every time, that tracter beam reels her in. It used to be, that when shes at each different house, she would be "present" with each of us. NOW, it seems that as she has gotten older and more independent, Toxic Troll extends herself into OUR time. On the phone for hours, texting. She NEEDS her attention all the time. For sympathy. Not to mention all the hours texting and phone calls to her friends. The normal stuff.

As Ex Julie said "protect your heart, because she will always have TT's best interests at heart and not yours". All the good I provided going down the drain.

But you are so right. She needs to be on her own, making her own choices and experiencing those repercussions.

No more swooping in when shes upset because TT doesnt show up for several hours, no more swooping in because the ex boyfriend with a restraining order is there. If shes in a dangerous situation, of course. But enough is enough, shes old enough.

But its hard.

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

It is very common in dysfunctional families for a child to take on the care taker role.

Unfortunately she will carry that with her in adulthood and likely make poor relationship decisions until she figures it out for herself.

caninelover's picture

Pamper you.  Get the mussels Smile