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Library Chronicles - Same plot different book

CLove's picture

HAH, HOHO. I knew just knew that this week leading up to Christmas would not go drama-free. And I fully expect SOME kind of drama Christmas Morning/Day.

But I digress.

When I got home last night, DH was in bed. This man is a tank, so its extremely unusual. His job as a mechanic really rips him up daily. He told me that Sd15 called him asking for a ride back to Toxic Trolls apartment (its her week) from the library near her high school a few towns over, and he told me she had gotten a ride there from her sisters boyfriend...but no ride back. He said he couldnt and to his credit he didnt call me. He knows Im disengaged and knows what that means.

So, because SD22 Feral Forger didnt do the Library pick up, Dad didnt pick up or ask Clove to pick up, and Toxic Troll was working and it was 5:00 pm and raining, she called DH's friend Nice Lady who lives up the street, and who has provided rides in the past. She basically went over Dh's head to ask HIS friend (a really nice lady). 

I understand that she felt a bit desperate. But once again someone is swooping in to rescue her from a bad situation she put herself into. So no repercussions (shes become expert at avoiding repercussions, like her sister) and she will continue putting herself into bad situations that she will need rescuing from. And Nice Lady has to pick up these pieces. To his credit again, he said he gave SD15 a piece of his mind and told Nice Lady that was a no-no.

Shes of course testing boundaries and limits - like someone here had described these teens are like Veloceraptors testing the electric fence for 1holes. So I get it. Its normal and natural. This is SUPPOSED to happen. In "normal families" this happens and there are repercussinos, kids are told "no", and they argue and thet are told "no and thats the end of things". But in this Upside Downworld of Blended stepfamilies, these Children of Divorce are told "no", they dont like this, so they activate the bio parents against each other. If the stepparent/SO tells the COD "no" they activate the bio parents and entire family against them. And no repercussions.

I say this because my ears are always filled with SD15's lamentations against her sister. She took a shoe to her sisters hand. Shes always telling me how badly her sister treates her. So on what planet was it logical to have her sister and boyfriend drop her off at the library a few towns over from where we live (where she goes to high school)??????

Also, what isnt adding up, is this kids on winter break - what is the need to go to the library? (hint: something to do with school and grades? I wouldnt know because I dont have access and dont care. second hint: her friends are her life...)

So - questionsa abound. But its just another page out of the same plotline. Kids allowed to run amok without repercussions.

I didnt discuss any of this with husband because not my circus. And I dont really care.

Comments

tog redux's picture

Honestly, I'm not quite sure what bothers you about this. Sounds like typical teenage behavior. Your DH said no (good for him), and she figured it out. If Nice Lady wants to help out, that's on her. 

CLove's picture

About the dynamics. I dont really care, except Tog, recall that SD15 is very duplicitous, and I only go by what she tells me about her relationship with her sister. So I am just red flagging that for usage in future situations. Like to walk cautiously because who knows what their relationship is REALLY like. They might be best of friends!

Plus, Nice Lady does favors and is Husbands friend. Sd 15 went over husband to get to friend. Just an indication of not respecting boundaries. Another red flagging situation. Third red flag was that Sd15 put herself in that situation for what purpose? I see it as a foreshadowing of something bad in the future, but that could be my PT-SD talking. Im girding for Drama Battle.

Livingoutloud's picture

She did ask her dad and he said no. I don't see how it's a big problem for her to ask someone else. How is she supposed to get home? She is only 15, I don't think it's safe to take Uber at 15 and I assume there is no public transportation. This is just a normal course of action to get a ride. Why would there be a repercussion for asking a ride home, doesn't sound like punishable offense to me, or any kind of wrong doing. Doesn't sound like a big deal or any kind of drama to me.

Library on school break isn't a big deal either. Needed a printer? Home computer didn't work? Was bored at home? Just needed to chance scenery? Meeting other teens? Browsing books? Why does it matter. My DD randomly went to our library quite a bit. 

I wonder if everything she does just bothers you because you anticipate secret agenda. Or you are mad about something else. Like that she didn't call you? But instead asked someone else? You want to disengage but now you feel out of the loop on skids comings and goings? 

CLove's picture

Lets ask the Magic Eighball. JK. Im feeling frisky today.

1. I don't see how it's a big problem for her to ask someone else

She simply goes over her fathers head and goes to his friend. Husband should have done that. 

2. I wonder if everything she does just bothers you because you anticipate secret agenda. Or you are mad about something else. Like that she didn't call you? But instead asked someone else? You want to disengage but now you feel out of the loop on skids comings and goings?

Not everything she does bothers me. Just the things I mention HERE. Im not going to post how shes not bothering me, right?

I definitely suspect ALL KiNDS of subversive multiple agendas. And lukily I am not part of that anymore like I used to be. 

3.  My DD randomly went to our library quite a bit. 

I have no bios, and if I did he/she/they would have been total library hound book worms. The blueprint with my skids is completely different. So completely different. For Sd15 to enter a library I suspect shes meeting up with friends or random people...who knows. Not my circus. just glad not to care like I did before. Caring caused sooooooooo much conflict. Notcaring = Peace.

Biggrin

4.  She is only 15, I don't think it's safe to take Uber at 15 and I assume there is no public transportation,

About the uber comment - Husband has hired an Uber TWiCE now to transport her. The second time I asked her to please send me a picture of her driver. Afterwards Husband assured me that there is a lot of tracking involved (so why are we hearing about uber drivers attacking riders?) So, not my circus. I dont care about all her going on...and it feels darn good! And no arguments ensued! That feels even better, because previously there would have been arguments and "your just picking on my kid', but nope. All kinds of quiet.

Livingoutloud's picture

I get it. I get that these things bother you. They just don't sound like a big deal whatsoever. Many of these things are just normal teenage stuff. You say you don't care yet you do, and about insignificant things. It's healthy to care about their well being. But it sounds that you are stressed out about day to day stuff they do: Why she went to the library or why she called a friend or why her sister drove her there.It just sounds unhealthy.

In my previous stepfamily life everything former  SDs did bothered me. mainly because I was miserable at the end and also because my relationship with skids father was not healthy. If you had healthy relationship with DH you'd not care why SD is in the library and who drives her home. Id work on your marriage and your own health and try not to worry about stepkids. Who cares who drives them home. It is safe solution so no harm is done.

well I don't think it's a good idea to say if you had kids you know how they'd turn out and how they'd be reading books or be great in other ways. You honestly don't have an idea how they would turn out. No one really knows. 

tog redux's picture

I think, personally, that you are angry at SD for, as you call it, "activating" her mother against you, and no one else but you caring about that, not even your husband. You want to see her get some karma, but I'm not sure what that karma is, exactly. Were you wanting her punished for poor planning, as teens are prone to do with their immature brains? She didn't hurt anyone whatsoever.

None of what she did sounds to me like anything other than teenage behavior.  She made a plan with FF's BF for a one- way ride, probably assuming she could get DH to bring her back (not a ridiculous assumption given his past behavior).  FF is her sister, they have a love-hate relationship (and probably always will), so asking her BF for a ride doesn't seem odd to me at all.  Then when DH said no, she had to find a way home, so she reached out to someone who has helped her in the past. If Nice Lady thought it was inappropriate boundaries, she could have said so.  If my good friend's son called me for a ride and said his mom and dad couldn't help, it would be weird, but I'd probably go pick him up. 

And yes, you know she's going to be some level of manipulator, that's what she's being taught to be. When she gives you sob stories about FF, remember that she's just playing the victim as she's learned so well from her mother and sister, and say, "Oh, huh. That sounds tough," and wander off to do your own thing.

 

CLove's picture

Yes, still mad about that.

What do I want karma wise? Hard to say. Apology to me for doing that in the first place is what I want. Learn lessons hard way second place. Punishment from parent third place. Deprivation of what she wants fourth place. Her to grow up and be independant fifth place, instead of being coddled and catered to with a sense of her own manipulative power.

Really is that too much to ask? JK. Im feeling frisky.

tog redux's picture

You have no control over even one of those things happening. But you can control how you think about it, and whether you choose to nurse this grudge, or accept that this is the situation and you are powerless to change it. 

Livingoutloud's picture

Yeah all we can control are our own actions and our reactions. We can't make anyone do anything. Most of the time. 

missgingersnap2021's picture

I get why it bugs you. SD is good at this - DH says no so she runs to mommy who says yes to everything. 

JRI's picture

You didn't get roped in to rescue, that's good.  You're doing better with disengagement.  Now, time to work on letting it take up your precious brain space, difficult, I know, I still struggle.  Now what color nail polish will you get? ( I read your comment on the other post).  Lol.

tog redux's picture

Yes, this. When DH tells me about stuff SS21 does, I now find it amusing. I stopped caring long ago what kind of person he turns out to be and if he gets any consequences for anything he does. As long as he doesn't affect me directly, not my problem.

CLove's picture

Anything about the vast disparity between her words and actions? I keep quiet about a lot of things that I hear. 

Her words and actions - a large chasm. 

CLove's picture

Like my soul.

JK. Considering frosty white. I typically go with dark colors - dark burgundies or browns.

JRI's picture

Even as a bio parent, our kids dont want to hear what we say.  SKs?  Times 1000.  Dont waste your time or energy.  

AgedOut's picture

I'd rethink this. Start with: she got a ride one way to go where she wanted/needed. She wrongly assumed for the ride home but when told to deal with it, she did. And I'd stop there and focus on how glad you are that you weren't put in an awkward place, what if she'd have called you.  

As far and her and her sister, not your fighting monkeys, not your job. You've been burned, don't touch the stove by allowing yourself to even give it thought. Just assume things will not change and let it go.

CLove's picture

yes, burned many times, all fingers.

I am very relieved. At least she learned a lesson about getting around. Maybe even try to get driving school ASAP...good incentive.

Livingoutloud's picture

My SDs have very bad almost non existent relationship. In her drugging/criminal charges years OSD caused lot of problems for other people and burned some bridges. YSD has hard time letting it go even though OSD is making an effort (making effort for now as who knows if it will last).But they are still sisters.

Some people have complicated or volatile or hot/cold relationships with their siblings or in fact other family members. But they are still family even if dysfunctional. It's quite normal to engage with each other despise troubles they might have. Families are complex. Her sister treating her badly (if that's even true) doesn't mean she can't give her sister a ride. Some people estrange from difficult families but most don't. I'd not expect YSD to fully cut OSD off because of troubles they have 

Everyone deals with dysfunction differently. I have a difficult father but it's mine and my brother's choice to continue engaging with him (in a limited fashion). I'd not expect others to understand our dynamics or assume we must cut him off. 

it's annoying when your SDs complain about each other but I'd ignore it

 

tog redux's picture

And especially in families headed by a personality disordered person. They tend to pit their kids against each other, but everyone is trauma-bonded and can't stop the cycle. My SS21 is the same way with his older sister. He says he "hates her" but it's all part of the drama of having a narcissistic mother. And of course in his version, he is always the victim.

Tried out's picture

is a good thing.

She learned that:

Daddy's not going to ask how high when she says jump.

Clove doesn't even get discussed as an option.

Calling a neighbor worked but Daddy said not to try that again - which he also told Nice Lady.

I doubt if she'll try this again. So it was an excellent learning experience as long as daddy sticks to his guns!

 

CLove's picture

Spot on.

But just think of when she starts(hopefully) driving Acute

"Daddy can you come pick me up? My car wont start"

I will be there chuckling from a distance.

JRI's picture

DH84 is still rescuing SD60 from car emergencies, so, yes, it will happen.

bananaseedo's picture

"When I got home last night, DH was in bed. This man is a tank, so its extremely unusual. His job as a mechanic really rips him up daily. He told me that Sd15 called him asking for a ride back to Toxic Trolls apartment (its her week) from the library near her high school a few towns over, and he told me she had gotten a ride there from her sisters boyfriend...but no ride back. He said he couldnt and to his credit he didnt call me. He knows Im disengaged and knows what that means."

I'm curious as to why he couldn't...too tired or was still working?  

So, because SD22 Feral Forger didnt do the Library pick up, Dad didnt pick up or ask Clove to pick up, and Toxic Troll was working and it was 5:00 pm and raining, she called DH's friend Nice Lady who lives up the street, and who has provided rides in the past. She basically went over Dh's head to ask HIS friend (a really nice lady). 

Teens are resourceful finding rides, teens also manipulate and go over parents head a lot, especially in stepland it's particularly bad.

I understand that she felt a bit desperate. But once again someone is swooping in to rescue her from a bad situation she put herself into. So no repercussions (shes become expert at avoiding repercussions, like her sister) and she will continue putting herself into bad situations that she will need rescuing from. And Nice Lady has to pick up these pieces. To his credit again, he said he gave SD15 a piece of his mind and told Nice Lady that was a no-no.

Rescue from a bad situation? It wasn't a bad situation.  She acted impulsively and normal for a teen.  NOTHING wrong with the library, regardless of reasons, it's a safe and good place to be 'stuck' at.  I don't see why there would be repercussions or punishment for a teen that went to a library and needed a ride home.  Seems completely over the top.  Glad he didn't rope you in though for sure!

Shes of course testing boundaries and limits - like someone here had described these teens are like Veloceraptors testing the electric fence for 1holes. So I get it. Its normal and natural. This is SUPPOSED to happen. In "normal families" this happens and there are repercussinos, kids are told "no", and they argue and thet are told "no and thats the end of things". But in this Upside Downworld of Blended stepfamilies, these Children of Divorce are told "no", they dont like this, so they activate the bio parents against each other. If the stepparent/SO tells the COD "no" they activate the bio parents and entire family against them. And no repercussions.

Yes, this is true.  They activate parents against eachother, they also activate extended family against whichever parent to get their way.  They are rarely punished or told no -especially with guilty fathers or guilty grandparents....so their levels of manipulation are normally a lot stronger in stepkids and it's hard to watch and deal with as an outsider .  It would irk me to no end how many times SD went over DH's head to get her way, it would be activate friends of his, extended family (particularly his parents), my dh's brother, etc.  She learned manipulation very early from BM but his parents actually fed that monster the most.  THEY would go over dh's head all the time, SD learned to put on fake tears, begging, pleading to get her way.  She's STILL that way even now after having her own baby.  

I say this because my ears are always filled with SD15's lamentations against her sister. She took a shoe to her sisters hand. Shes always telling me how badly her sister treates her. So on what planet was it logical to have her sister and boyfriend drop her off at the library a few towns over from where we live (where she goes to high school)??????

Part of the 'pitting against eachother' it's to get pity.  SD didn't have siblings but she would spend 30m-1hr each visit over trash talking her mother to us, and I'm sure she did the same to BM about us.

Also, what isnt adding up, is this kids on winter break - what is the need to go to the library? (hint: something to do with school and grades? I wouldnt know because I dont have access and dont care. second hint: her friends are her life...) 

So - questionsa abound. But its just another page out of the same plotline. Kids allowed to run amok without repercussions.

I didnt discuss any of this with husband because not my circus. And I dont really care.

Don't overthink it, a libarry during break could be grade related, no big deal at all.  I get what you're saying, continue to disengage. She will turn out how she will.

My sd and I get along so much better then in years past, but I've disengaged on how she turned out.  She is still a MASTER manipulator, lier, attention seeker, has made numerous bad decisions from getting pregnant, keeping it, moving out of town, you name it....I ignore most of the crap. I DO vent with DH on oaccasion about it and we bitch about it back and forth. Though we are mostly in agreement lol

Stepdrama2020's picture

I hear ya. Little planning on backstabbers part and its as annoying as hell she isnt reprimanded. Its bigger than the library issue.

Vent away my dear  I GET IT!

Using the new term I learned on here     SD is a BEC!

Livingoutloud's picture

I just wonder if calling dad's friends was wrong and dad wouldn't pick her up and wouldn't arrange pick up for her, how was she supposed to get home? She needed a ride and she found a safe ride. I am really failing to understand what were other acceptable ways to get home and why those other methods were better. What was punishment suppose to be? Stay in the library? Hitchhike? Was she told to utilize other methods, call someone rather than a nice lady? Sometning is very puzzling here. Like it's all about something else and that something else isn't being spelled out 

tog redux's picture

I keep wondering this as well - how was she supposed to get home? I assume she can't camp overnight in the library.

I do see that your SD gets away with a lot, Clove, but that's just as much on your DH as on BM. And it's not likely to change. But this isn't really an example of that, IMO.

If I had a teen who did this, I'd tell them to plan better next time so they don't have to bother people like Nice Lady for rides home. And I'd tell Nice Lady that she's under no obligation to help, but thank you for caring.

I thought it was pretty resourceful, myself. And I'm impressed that your SD is independent enough to go to the library on her own and get herself rides. Too many kids never leave the house without parents in tow.

AlmostGone832's picture

The "lack of planning" bus takes forever to come but it DOES eventually get there. Little Idiot is the queen of procrastination and lack of planning and it's finally catching up with her now that she is an adult and doesn't have someone constantly rescuing her. Case in point she procrastinated her college transfer/planning her move and now she is panicking because the funding may not come in, she may not be able to start until the fall when she really wants to move in with Goofy for the spring semester. So they do eventually learn the hard way.