Temper, Temper
If you refer to someone's temper or say that they have a temper, you mean that they become angry very easily. He had a temper and could be nasty. His short temper had become notorious. Synonyms: irritability, anger, irascibility, passion More Synonyms of temper.
Referencing my previous Blog Post, I have withdrawn much, havent given into my desire for conversation, retribution, resolution, chore doing, nada.
I DID ask the reason for the conflict that was so bad Husband had to hero out and go rescue SD17 Power sulk from big bad momma Toxic Troll.
Turns out, Beach Town Apartment was messy. FF is really gross and dirty and has been going to apartment to eat. Well, something set off Powersulk, who shoved some trash that was on a table onto the floor. Im sure that words were had after that stunt. Crying and no school on picture day...so its because she lost her temper. And then managed to turn it into Big Victim Poor Me, DADDY I HAS A SADZ.
Im seeing a few different trends/cycles here:
1. The narcissistic Triangulation.
Toxic Troll Triangle = Toxic Troll (top) - > Sd24 Feral Forger (side 1= scape goat bad one) -> SD17 Powersulk (side 2=golden child)
And both kids take turns in each role, fighting each other with Toxic Troll in the middle.
Theyve been at this a REALLY long time. And been ACTIVE in it a really long time.
Husband Triangle = Husband (top) -> Clove (scapegoat) -> Powersulk (golden child)
Parental Triangle = Husband and Toxic Troll fighting over powersulk (top)->take turns being "golden parent" and "bad parent"
Parental Triangle = Power Sulk (top) -> Husband & Clove fighting over powersulk (top) -> take turns being "golden parent" and "bad parent"
2. SD17 Powersulk has her temper tantrums. Caused by something someone else does, and each time she ups the ante. Then turns it into her being a victim who did nothing wrong. So no repercussions. Shes been at this a LOOOOONG time. Ive experienced it, Toxic Troll has experienced it, Feral Forger has experienced it. The only people who have not, are either not close to her that way or her father. Shes used to golden child status, she-who-does-no-wrong. Is a victim of bad treatment. Needs to protect herself, or has daddy-the-hero swoop in after crying...
I get sucked into it, and punished when:
- husband wants us to do something together.
- she wants or needs something that I object to.
- I say something remotely negative to her, sound harsh. Or talk to her through her door harshly.
Im keeping silent NOW, but waiting for new dramz, when they all realise that I no longer support them.
- CLove's blog
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Comments
You drew a nice triangle with
You drew a nice triangle with TT at the top, FF on one corner and Powersulk on the other.
When she comes to your house, it's your husband at the top, you're in one corner and Powersulk is in the other corner. Some might say that Powersulk is at the top of the triangle in your house, but I say NO. It's totally your husband. He likes the drama. He likes playing you off of each other.
You are just a scapegoat in their triangle, but you don't have to participate in the triangle. When you step out and refuse to participate, they will turn on each other.
Exactly!!!!!
Ive come to realise this too. He is an active participant in the triangle at our house.
And yes, she is the Golden Child and I am the scapegoat with husband getting the kibbles. And sometimes I see him dancing in between us. Its the same with barnicle buddy. Hes at the top of that triangle too.
I have to be always aware of this toxic dynamic, and not participate in it.
Thinking
when I started thinking about the drama triangles - I came up with some new nuggets:
1. IDEALLY, Powersulk would be at the top of the tirangle at our house. With Clove doing and paying and helping, and Husband doing and helping and paying. Thats how powersulk got her name, initially. But Clove went rogue and stopped with the doing helping paying so now shes relegated to golden child, but still equal-to-better-footing to clove scapegoat.
2. SD17 Power Sulk IS the TOP of the triangle between husband and Toxic Troll. They both battle it out between them (conveniently) and fight over her in the different ways that separated/divorced parents fight over the children. When Clove or dad does something to make PS cry or step into that mine-encrusted territory of parenting, mother "wins". When they got apartment in Beach Town, Mother "wins". When anything happens bad to TT, mother "wins" (sympathy). Now that Feral Forger is back in there, Dad "wins". After whatever conflict, PS acts out, cries, goes to er for heart palpitations, etc, dad heros out and then dad "wins".
Clove suggesting that dad not participate in that drama triangle (how dare she), means shes suggesting he not "win". Suggesting he give up that opportunity for "winning". Why would he listen, stay out of things, when he gets what he wants = he "wins" the child. He gets more opportunity to be a "father" whatever that means to him.
I see what you're saying, but
I see what you're saying, but it's not always the person acting out the most who is at the top of the triangle. The person driving the dynamic is usually rather passive. I lived it with my XH2. He would calmly seem "unaffected" but he would set up the dynamic so that the other 2 people in the triangle would act out.
Your husband and the Toxic Troll are the master manipulators and they have trained their offspring to compete and act out to feed their egos.
Current Roles
Currently, in the parent-child triangle:
Powersulk = top
Husband = rescuer
Toxic Troll/Feral Forger = persecutor(s)
Clove = observer
THIS!
Exactly.
I experienced the same back when I was a SM. DO NOT MISS IT!
you need to practice what you
you need to practice what you will say when she pulls her victim act.
"I'm not sure what's wrong, I've been very busy with my own things"
"She seems a bit emotional, is she having issues w/ school/mom/friends?"
"I didn't notice anything. I haven't really been around her"
You can play innocent better than her because you are innocent.
Or the killer phrase for many men
"I don't understand what's wrong. Maybe she's ovulating..."
Bet he scuttles away at a rate of knots.
(No subject)
my problem
My problem isnt my innocence - its the accusations from crazy people!!!
So try to not get sucked in.
So try to not get sucked in. Don't mention SD to HHH (Hot Head Husband). Don't talk to PS SADZ. Don't participate.
ok, for how long
We are in another holding pattern, and part of me is wondering does husband want this to last a long time so that he "gets more time to win over kid", or that I will soften my stance of not wanting to live with little miss CPS?
I'm willing to bet he wants
I'm willing to bet he wants it to last forever. Little miss comes and goes as she pleases, you and he don't argue, you never "nag" her to do anything to give her SADZ, you'll accept her moving in if he and she want that, and he continues with his version of "parenting" and considers life perfect.
IMO, he wants it his way. And hers, if it fits in with what he wants. You're supposed to kowtow to him.
YES.
Another nugget.
Another lightbulb.
Because back when Power sulk CPS was Munchkin, we all WANTED her with us and they BOTH want to go back to that time, before the troubles and SADZ that caused conflict with me. They want CLove to be like she was. Doing helping paying.
Just as long as I know the "rules" according to (?)
Rule 1. Do not ask Powersulk to do any chores.
Rule 2. Do not say no to Power Sulk about what she wants/wants to do.
Rule 3. Let Power Sulk do what she wants (or doesnt want).
Rule 4. Do not criticise Power Sulk about anything.
Rule 5. Do not expect Power Sulk to communicate her wherabouts or anything to do with her. (like when she just up and left the house, and doesnt have a key, and Im not supposed to ask where shes going nore when shes back, Im expected to just leave the sliding back door unlocked and not worry about it.)
And you're supposed to
And you're supposed to happily fork out $$ and clean up after everyone.
Rules 6 & 7
Be the happy stepford wife stepmother that will:
6. Cook nice dinners, and clean up as I go, then clean up after.
7. Contine paying half the bills. Continue buying shampoo and conditioner that PS uses. Continue buying food.
Gads, I'd like a shot of
Gads, I'd like a shot of tequila now!
For so long I wanted my DH to
For so long I wanted my DH to see SD33 for who and what she really was. I was the scapegoat. I thought I would point things out or act in ways to be helpful to make myself look good and partly because I over-functioned to get DH's appreciation and approval. It never worked. It was when I threw my hands up and totally disengaged from anything SD related, DH's eyes started to open. He became more and more aware of just how SD is and they've had some conflict along the way. It seems that when I disengaged, I removed their scapegoat. They had only each other to see. It was quite entertaining and therapeutic for me.
very practiced in this
Husband and power sulk bond over these conflict-hero interactions, whether its with me, her mother or feral forger.
Its their BONDING, they NEED it.
So fricking weird. I wish Id seen it much sooner.
But YOU don't need it. Nor do
But YOU don't need it. Nor do you need to be a catalyst for that, which is what happens when you go against their wants. Play the Gray Rock card.
Buffer vs Bonding
Many times Ive mentioned them going off somewhere without me, and she quickly sais "no I want you there too"...and I always thought "as a buffer/facilitator?" and no - its to continue the toxic triangulations!!!!
More light bulbs.
She's playing you. Makes her
She's playing you. Makes her sound like daddy's lil princess and you're the whiner.
I don't think Ms. CPS is
I don't think Ms. CPS is going to say "we want you there, too." That's history.
And when you're disengaged, you don't make suggestions that they go out somewhere together. You do your own thing and seem disinterested in what they are up to. Let them ASK you to join and politely decline. Then go do your own thing.
If they say, "But we want to do things together." Say, "Ms. CPS is here for visitation with her parent. I hope you have a great day together. I'm off for a hike" (or some other activity she hates) - then go to the other activity on your own or with a friend.
Miss CPS might say it so she
Miss CPS might say it so she looks good in front of duddykins.
Yes, CLove, do your own thing. Don't be their third wheel. Let them drown together in their bonding.
Go with a friend
Or don't go at all, to things that interest him. Arrange a date with a friend to go for a drink and then "pop in" at the cars. Either you don't tell him, or you say you thought that he'd enjoy it more with BB.
Find things to do that they'd hate, and you love, and enjoy me time. Leaving them to each other. Now would be a great time for that women's only retreat for 3 days.
Or find something that is decidedly adult only (no minors allowed). Matter of fact find several. Mentioned that a friend of yours asked if the two of you would like to come to an adults only party. And then ask if he would be OK with leaving munchkin home or if you should decline. And then decline when he throws a fit. And then invite him out to a bar night for a band you'd like to enjoy that does not allow minors. And then decline that too, when he gets grumpy, and continue and continue until he realizes that he's not having any fun or doing anything. Whether you go without him for those it's up to you.
Hes already
Hes already making plans to do things together that do not include minors.
Just so tired of the chit.
Exhausting
DISENGAGE completely.
Your DH and clan are soul sucking parasites.
Clove you are so much better than all this toxic BS.
Hmmmm? *diablo*
Hmmmm?
Time to play the geometry to put this where it needs to go. TT needs to be targeted with both PSCPS and FF behaviors that shred TT and .... I would say, if FF is a pig, PSCPS needs to keep up shoving FF garbage off of the table, counters and onto the floor and when TT gets pissed PSCPS needs to tell TT to get off of her lazy parent ass and have FF clean up after herself because PSCPS is not going to clea up after TT's elder parenting failure spawn.
When PSCPS is in your home, you need to do the same with her crap and inform daddy to step up and have PSCPS clean up her own crap including pointing out that the behavioral crap she brings from TT's shit storm home will not enter YOUR home including her crying, whining, deflecting, etc..
She is not far from 18 and it is time for tolerance for her manipulative juvenile crap to go to ZERO! And stay at ZERO.
How you describe your husband
How you describe your husband is Pretty much how this annoying ass dude is operating over here PLUS demanding more and more seggs (gross!)
Yeah someone else mentioned just up and leave and do you (which is exactly what I do) or attend events you know they don't like and give invites that will 100% be declined
These maladjusted parents who act like spouses to their kids need therapy because what they're doing is disturbing and they need to be single until their kids are adults.
but of course narcissistic type people avoid therapy or will go to therapy just to continue using the therapist to manipulate everyone
The way this dude here runs and jumps like a bitch whenever these kids demand anything, play fake victim roles, and let's not for get the manipulative ex playing a fake victim role as well and more makes me want to vomit.
I feel ya because I have to endure very similar dynamics right now.
Completely unattractive and unacceptable for partners and spouses to act this way