Feral Forger SD23 is having a move-ment
Yes. Finally some news. Husband is driving about 3 hours north to pick her up and packing her stuff in his car and moving her on down. To her mothers. to live.
"Its not a big deal he said". Eff no, that is such a big deal.
"I told you a few days ago". Erm no, you must have told your BFF and THOUGHT you told me because thats a pretty big deal and I would have remembered that.
So, FF finally called her father and did the Big Ask and hes helping her out (on his dime of course) and not going to bring her to our place to visit the dog or whatever. Because she has made no apology, and I am just over it.
He is on his own in this and we are both ok with it.
I did suggest that maybe this is a good opportunity to PARENT her and get her to do her driving and drivers license.
He tells me he cant get her a car because shes on medications and bipolar. That did not stop many a person.
OK> So thats my update for today.
This is all to occur on Sunday so stay tuned folks. The Big Journey awaits.
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Comments
Stop getting involved
In this dysfunctional kid. She bipolar, you are getting nothing but crazy from her. If her father wants to spend his day playing daddddy that's on him. Hope he not tired so he can take you to a nice restaurant tonight. Wifffe gets some time too
Sunday is their fun-day
He gets 3 plus hours of Feral Forger "bonding time". And who knows what condition she will be in.
Shes non-doctor diagnosed. On anti-anxiety medications, pot and alcohol.
I dont even want to see him when he comes home (at whenever time). They can hang out for dinner too.
"He tells me he cant get her a car because...." Really?
She is an adult. She can get her own car... until then..... UBER. TT can pay for it if she is so hell bent on outsourcing this kid's transportation.
I am a boomer and even I can figure out the UBER app.
When is DH going to get out of the cater to the toxic X and Spawn business? FF, not the younger one... yet.
smh
On one hand
One the one hand I can see that its hard to get a car on your own when you dont have a license and no job. Shes moving up here having lost the job she previously had and now will need to slog through getting another one. Who knows and who cares. But seeing as how Husband practically gets them for free and can fox up a beater for almost nothing, Id prefer she get the leg up ASAP into adulting. And if this is the way to do it I am all for it. Then he can say he tried.
Well on one hand he is an
Well on one hand he is an enabler but on the other hand you don't just stop loving your kids because they are f...ups. It just doesn't work that way. Bipolar disorder is tough. My OSD has bipolar as well. She does drive and pays her own bills but she has criminal records, is an addict (is clean at the moment) and is a stripper. She caused lots of people lots of grief. No one else in the family speaks to her and YSD believes that DH and I shouldn't have a relationship with her because how much grief she caused people. But it just doesn't work that way.
I don't know if you keep finances separate but as long as he isn't asking you for money I'd just not worry about it. In fact I'd be more aggravated over unrelated male spending all his time in your house than DH helping his troubled kid. Actually I wonder if he takes BFF with him for a round trip lol I'd not be surprised
Bi-polar
Shes not doctor diagnosed. Shes on meds for something plus pot and vaping and alcohol and whatever else is popular.
Sure, Im all for him parenting his kid. I mentioned it, to the effect of "maybe now that shes back down in our area you can parent her and get her to the DMV and into a license." Hemmming and Hawing and "I dont have time for that".
We keep finances extremely separate. We split everything down the middle now more than ever. Hes not asking for money (with gas prices it will cost about $300) and Im not worried about him doing this. Shes not asked him for a huge amount of anything before, just a little bit of money here and there. The fact is, she is never available for any kind of relationship with him period. Thats the only thing that if I cared enough Id be upset about, but thats THEIR relationship and has NOTHING to do with me.
I am plenty more upset about BFF, trust me.
And shes above and beyond troubled. Lazy, mean, selfish, manipulative, entitled goes above and beyond "troubled" to me.
I agree with this to a point
I agree with this to a point (get to that in a second). That's been my biggest struggle with my mom and SF regarding SSis. None of us siblings want anything to do with her, but we (reluctantly) recognize that they feel the need to help her out in spite of her problems.
Here is where that "to a point" comes in. It's really easy to say "just stay out of it" so long as people don't try to drag you into it. Sometimes it's easy to see them trying to drag you in: they ask for help, they show up with the person, they pressure you to change your boundaries, etc. Those are easier to say no to and put up walls.
But, people like FF, your OSD, and my SSis cause stress to the people they use/abuse, and those people usually have a reaction that is unpleasant to be around. If someone enables, they likely don't have the emotional maturity or fortitude themselves to not less the abusive folks impact them. So, we as the "innocent bystanders with boundaries" end up with spouses/family members who are angry, depressed, anxious, etc. We have to deal with the fallout of these people being in crap moods because they've used all their energy to enable.
So then we have to expend more energy setting up more boundaries, coming up with other plans, figuring out how to not care, etc. Sure, we can end our relationships or sever ties to preserve ourselves, but that also takes time and energy. I'm not saying it wouldn't be a good use of time and energy to do that, just that it doesn't happen naturally and without giving something.
It's crappy no matter how you have to deal with it. It would be less crappy if the enablers would just stop enabling and put their energy into healing from their own issues versus transferring off onto others.
Hit the Nail
Last night, after I came home from work, the old patterns came up and I shot them down (pat on the shoulder). Came home from work, husband is smoking (he only smokes when stressed) and he tells me hes really stressed out and needs to smoke. I calmly sit down next to him and ask what he is stressed about would he like to share it with me. I ask "its not something related to ME is it?" He avoids the direct questions. I can tell by his body language he wants to tell me and is withholding which I hate. But I know what it is that hes withholding. Stressed about his Sunday with Feral Forger.
He has done this a ton and Im now starting to understand where it is coming from. And its NOT me. And you are right about Husband. When he is stressed about something external to us, he takes it out on me in different ways. You wrote :
"If someone enables, they likely don't have the emotional maturity or fortitude themselves to not less the abusive folks impact them."
This statement hits it. I will have to print this out and repeat this to myself when things come up. To remember where its coming from and not just react with emotions.
THIS time I stopped him in his tracks with "HEY this is NOT about me, I did NOT create this and it has NOTHING to do with me so just stop with the Clove isthe cause of your stress, because when you told me what your plans are I was ok with it all. So."
Oh, yes, he goes into punisher mode and we go into this spiral down, and end up arguing. Feral Forger has caused so much stress and so many arguments. And now Im realising that it was redirected energy. He cant get mad at her and cant punish her so he gets mad at me and puts that energy out to me.
So, Im changing the game. No arguments or discussion of Feral Forger last night. It was a good night. I went to bed early. A good morning too.
As to this weekend and especially Sunday, I will make my plans, kiss him good bye and let him know I wont be around.
Oh my DH does not enable at
Oh my DH does not enable at all. He isn't an enabler. We don't ever help with money. She doesn't need it (lol she makes more than us stripping) but when she did we still did not. She is an addict so no money. And we have such demanding jobs that 6 hours driving to get someone on the weekend just wouldn't be possible. DH would not do it. She used to ask for crazy things. The answer was no.
But we do have a relationship with OSD and SGD. DH has family members who believe that we shouldn't. Those family members (like YSD) do not have kids so they don't understand that you can't stop loving your kids. It's not like stopping relationship with a cousin. Children aren't cousins.
We also recognize that many crazy things OSD did were when she was actively using and drug addiction makes one to do bizarre things that non addicts don't understand. It's an illness. Now when OSD is clean she behaves appropriately but she pays the price for choices she made. Some family members do not believe in forgiveness and think we should write her off. DH would if she was his cousin. But she is his daughter who made mistakes.
There is also a huge genetics. Her mother was completely insane, made our lives he$$ and ended up hanging herself two years ago. Is there a guarantee that OSD will not go nuts again or follow in her crazy mothers foot steps (refusing meds? No guarantee. But we aren't writing her off.
that's what I was trying to say. Sure Cloves SD is mean and nasty but she is his child. I'd be way more concerned about other things and how is he as a husband than if he helps his kids or not. I bet if he was a great husband none of that would be an issue. SD isn't a real issue here.
Feral Forger isn't the one who caused all this stress in the marriage. It's the husband who allows it to cause stress in a marriage. Even with the most wonderful stepkids, the marriage will fall apart if a spouse sucks
Similar but different
Small point, but Ill make it anyway. SD23 is an adult. She is not his child. She will ALWAYS be his daughter and in that relationship I play no part. Its on him and Im not as concerned about him doing for her as her "rescuer" as much as I am stressing about the future of what it will bring. Ive not really said that shes no longer his to help out. NEVER did I say that. Help her go ahead! Enable the crap out of her and reap the non-rewards.
This is her third time...and she always creates chaos and toxic sludge and it always spills out over us. Like when SD15/16 smashed her thumb with a show and CPS was called. Or the many times we had to pick up SD15/16 B/M because they were arguing. The toxic texts that I tend to get when she goes through her chaos with Toxic Troll.
PLUS the fact that they will be driving together and she will have a chance to "work on him", plying him with guilt, badgering him to live with us (a major fear of his is having to say no to his daugter, then she makes accusations its her continuing pattern).
All this is stressing me out.
I didn't mean "a child" as a
I didn't mean "a child" as a baby or a toddler. It's just semantic. If people are asked if they have children they don't say "I have no children as they are all grown, I have only sons and daughters". So your DH does have children one of whom is an adult
well at this point I'd be concerned that DH might decide to move her in. Other than that I'd not worry about him driving her. I would worry him bringing her in. Couple of years back OSD did not speak to DH for a year because he said no to her moving in with us
I agree with you on all this.
I agree with you on all this. I was just trying to point how just saying "don't let it bother you" or disengaging from it isn't always easy, even when it should be easier with adults. Of course CLove's DH is the problem in their marriage. But even if CLove disconnects from FF and doesn't help, she still has to deal with her DH and whatever attitude he comes back with because he lacks the ability to properly deal with his daughter and how she makes him feel.
Added to all this
Is the fact that they havent spent more than a minute in each others company in a number of years (not my doing), and now he is anticipating over 3 hours in her company. Who knows what shes been doing with her time since she lost her job a month ago. Who knows what they will even talk about. Who knows what condition she will even be in to talk coherently. She might just sleep the whole time. Or sit there and babble like she did 2 christmases ago.
So I think that yea, his mood going in will not be good and it will affect us however, knowing all this ahead of time gives me ample preparation time.
Well, I hope he's giving up
Well, I hope he's giving up his fishing time and not time he would otherwise have spent with you. I would just be grateful that he knows better than to bring FF to your house. That's a win.
LOL. No.
Hes fishing saturdau (more power to him we owe some people some fish) and I have made it extremely clear that shes not allowed in my house to further abuse me. Shes not apologised and shes on her own as far as anything to do with me goes.
So - he gets to spend an entire day off catering to his kid. Good for him. Shes not going to sully my household with her filth and abuse. Good for me.
Traffic will be such fun for
Traffic will be such fun for your H on Sunday. Make sure you get out and do something he enjoys without him. Turn off you, phone and leave them to their circlejerk.
Circle jerk!
EJM you CRACK me the eff up!!!!
Yeah, you truly get it. Husband can put on his cape and swoop in. She played on his sympathies with what I know to be lies. Claiming she was "jumped" causing her to "lose" her phone and susequently "lose" her job and THEN causing her to "lose" her place to live.
I personally think that she wasnt jumped (no bruises right after her horrendous ordeal of getting jumped and "beaten") and personally think either she stole from the chain department store but a small enough item not to be prosecuted because shes done it before and knows the insand outs, or she was into some drugs and couldnt be bothered to show up. And now reality hits that no one wants to support her in that up where she is, not like when shes living with her mother and being enabled to do what she darn well wants there.
But Husband is believing the whole sob story, putting his cape on and swooping in to rescue his "little girl". For time with her. Shes throwing crumbs of her time and attention because she needs his help.
The only stressor here for me is that this will give her time to "work on him" and play on his sympathies and guilty dadee syndrome of "you picked Clove over your own chiiiiillllllldddddd, your blooooooooooood".
So yes I am definitely going out to see music or do something nice for me.
:D
Jumped - beaten - they took
Jumped - beaten - they took my phone
Show me the ER discharge paper and/or the police report.
Right!
no bruises no nothing no report.
Clove
So Feral Forger is coming to town, cue to the song santa claus is coming to town.
Awesomely awesome.
Keep busy, ask no questions. The answers will lead to frustrations.
Ive been on the right track
Ive been creating my own life and separating it from Husband and SD15/16 Backstabber/Munchkin and SD23 Feral Forger for the past several months (years for FF).
Feeling REALLY great right now. Typically I would be freaking out big time and letting Husband know how I feel and it spirals down into an argument.
"you better watch out, you better not try, to find out Feral Forger and her why"
"Cause Feral Forgers, Coming to TOWN!"
"She steals when you are sleeping. She doesnt when you are awake."
"She knows that its bad not good, so stay out of her way for goodness sake"
LOL
You got the lyrics perfectly Clove. ;)
Awesome
Great lyrics hahaha
Hasn't he heard of public
Hasn't he heard of public transport?
This is true. FF could take
This is true. FF could take Amtrak from where she is now, switch trains in Large Metropolis north of you, and disembark at a station not too far from your town. But that requires a degree of self sufficiency she lacks.
Yes.
She took the train down right after she was "jumped", and showed no signs.
Shes got boxes of her things this time, which complicates. Hes not only transporting her hes transporting her things.
I'd be livid that DH fishes
I'd be livid that DH fishes on Saturday and spends time with his DD on Sunday. When is he spending time with his wife?
Not saying spouses must spend all time together, I need a lot of space and tons of my own time but this guy doesn't spend any time together with his wife going places or doing things together at home.he is majorly unavailable for his life partner.
In my past steplife my ex one time spent all Saturday cooking for SD and all Sunday delivering meals to SD. Stupid me was actually hopeful that if she moved in with us, this nonsense of catering to SD all weekend would stop as she just would be there. Lol stupid me. I only survived a year after she moved in. I was out like a light
Got her Saturday and fished both days
When the bite is hot he keeps on going.
And she said not a word to him the entire drive except can you buy me something to eat.