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Drying the tears digitally

CLove's picture

Last night while I was participating in my online tax class, SD15 B/M approached me with an emergency "I need your help request". It was her friend (a girl) and she was sobbing on the phone and having issues with her bio mother.

I dropped the call, but stayed logged into the lecture. What are you going to do? Im hardwired that way. A kiddo needs me, I come running. Well it was more like a stroll...

The situation was SD15 (yes shes back to munchkin for now...) has a friend we will call "G". This girl is also 15. And she was sobbing her little heart out.

I put on my calm voice asking whats going on...

G: mother is "sooooooo mean and yellllllllllssssss at her allllllll the time!!!!!"

I ask does she have her father in the picture? 

G: "noooooo hes in another state and anyway he just give me alcoholllll"

I tell her alcohol destroys young brains, she should just say no....(look at me hahaa) I ask about her stepfather, is there issues with the relationship because sometimes parents get mad at something over here and take it over there...

G: "nooooo hes away all week, he drives trucks....they seem ok when he calls"

So, what is the arguments where your mom gets mad?

G: "she gives me allllll theeeeeese chores!!! Theres so many!!!!!! I sometimes forget them, or how to do them!!!!"

It went on, but I basically told her if things get physical her options are to tell a teacher who has to report it. Or a family member like a grand or aunt/uncle, maybe she can talk to them...

I suggested she sit her mother down and talk to her about things, tell her when shes calm how she feels, which will shock her mother because kids never do that...ask her mother to please write a chore chart. G said there is a large whiteboard she just forgets HOW to do the things and then the mother gets mad...

Apparently her mother is very "specific" about how she wants things done, she doesnt work, and she drinks a lot and gets angry. And sometimes gives her kids alcohol. She has parental controls on the kids phones and she treats her younger brother the same with the same expectations (hes about 12-13)

Should I report this? The childs fears are one thing, the alcohol is another, and I just have her word on things, plus the child fears repercussions the most. She has no where else to go, because we all know the courts will not take her away from the mother on basic heresay.

She did feel better before I got off the phone. 

I guess SD15 is "farming me out" to her friends because I did such a good job drying HER tears many many many times. For a kid that has 1 chore...and does nothing to clean the rest of the house, she definitely has it better than "G". I had to chuckle to myself. And then there is Feral Forger sitting there complaining about all her "problems". Egads

But I enjoyed my class after that...

Comments

CLove's picture

The child, possibly through my recommendations, went to a counselor and there is a "case opened", probably from the allegations of alcohol procurement. And then SD15 told me that her mother sometimes hits her to punish her for defending herself...

I just wished her the best for her healing her relationship with her mother. Folks this is making me mad. Some mothers dont deserve to be mothers...

advice.only2's picture

It was very generous of you to offer advice and to listen, also to call and report the parents.  Maybe that girl will get help and maybe she wont, maybe she will even remind BStabber15 what a great person you are next time she's crying about how horrible you are.

CLove's picture

I informed kiddo of what her options are so that she knew that she HAD options. Because she sounded so hopeless and trapped. I carefully explained the term "mandatory reporter" as well as Child Protective Services. Because her greatest fear was repercussions for telling anyone.  What her mother would do to her.

She went to a counselor and reported further abuses that she was afraid to tell me about when I had asked if her mother got physical with her.

Thats an idea I hadnt thought of! SD15 has cut off that sympathy channel (not that she ever needed one!!! Just her mother and sometime back her sister...)

JRI's picture

You handled that well, Clove!  Yes, Munchkin farmed you out but her friend was in trouble and she looked around for a sensible, knowledgeable adult to help, you.   It speaks well for Munchkin, as well as you.  Funny thing, I wonder why she didn't ask TT to help.  Lol.

CLove's picture

So - probably situational, but I like to think perhaps it was because I was the best for the job at hand.

CallMeCrazy's picture

I am definitely missing something here. A 15 year old girl was crying because her mom makes her do chores and her 13 year old brother gets treated the same as her. Also, the mom *may* allow her kids to have alcohol. You wanted to report this? For what? And what "case" is opened by the counselor as a mandatory reporter? Why would the courts change custody of this girl?

Sorry, sounds like you way overstepped here and this was a typical teen girl fight with her mom. It kinda sounds like you want to be the "cool friend" to these girls, and you know firsthand how awful they can be. You can certainly be that role for them, but remember, they'll stab you in the back just as quickly as they turn on their own mothers... maybe even faster.

CallMeCrazy's picture

I read this: "It went on, but I basically told her if things get physical her options are to tell a teacher who has to report it."

I never read anything about the kid saying they beat her. She was crying about doing chores, how it's not fair with her brother, and how her mother wants the chores done a certain way...and that sometimes the kid "forgets to do them" or "doesn't do them right." LOL, I can attest to my kids saying the same thing... NO, cleaning a bathroom doesn't consist of brushing the hair off the sink. 

Aside from *maybe* the comment about alcohol, I don't see anything reportable here. Just a teen drama queen looking for sympathy (just like OP's SD has done repeatedly...)

EDIT: I see the girl has claimed physical abuse to the counselor. Will be interesting to see how that plays out.

CLove's picture

"The child, possibly through my recommendations, went to a counselor and there is a "case opened", probably from the allegations of alcohol procurement. And then SD15 told me that her mother sometimes hits her to punish her for defending herself...

I just wished her the best for her healing her relationship with her mother. Folks this is making me mad. Some mothers dont deserve to be mothers..."

I texted SD15 to see if her friend is ok. She told me the kid went to a counselor seeking further advice and a case was opened and also that "G" was nervous about telling me that her mother hits her sometimes...I added this to the comments because it came in after I posted.

I at first thought the same thing "a kid not wanting to do chores, mom is so mean..." and because Im a bitter ole stepmother I thought "well finally a kid being parented!!!"

THEN, I thought differently because same bitter ole stepmother thought that "wow, shes not blaming anyone, only the almighty golden uterus bio mother, who in MY world can do not wrong and is on that pedastal up there. I almost NEVER hear of a bio mother being abusive to their kid" (I know it happens, its just more common for me to hear accusations of abuse by stepparents (and moi).)

That right there made me think this was different. I never called anyone to report, just gave her knowledge and information. Mostly just asked questions. Made suggestions. I never ever suggested change of custody...just talking to someone.

CLove's picture

No I came in as "the adult" with adult perspective, telling her sometimes parents get frustrated...sometimes you just need to sit them down and talk in a calm space.

Yes, I totally have my guard up. It could just as easily turn on me tomorrow. But when a kiddo is sobbing and telling you about the tracking controls and browsing controls and then punishments for looking up alcohol abuse, physical abuse, you start to think "maybe this is the truth in this instance". I gave simple advice...I listened, asked questions...

What should I have done differently?

notsofast's picture

Nothing. It's not your job to investigate or assess if the abuse or treatment alleged is credible.  Kids of abuse are usually good at keeping the family secrets.  If the girl is lying, cps will figure that out. If the girl is telling the truth, you helped her learn how to find help for herself and speak her truth.