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Boredom Chronicles - Night out - Advice Taken

CLove's picture

Ever since School-gate of last April 2021, I have been taking everyone's advice (full disclosure I cherry pick) and have been refocusing my energies and attentions in many other areas other than SD15 Backstabber/Munchkin. She gets no attention from me other than 'good morning, hello, goodnight, hows it going'. She has over this past year to inlcude all last year largely spent all her visitation time in her room, on the phone. I have stopped talking with her through her door, causing her to have to stop whatever convo she has and open her door (due to accusations of harrassment through her door). I do not buy special foods for her to eat, or heat for herself. I do not cook for her on weekends, do not invite her out for adventures shopping, or lunches, walks, drives, salon visits, do not do transport unless absolutel necessary for any reason. When she had hr cadet ball a few weeks ago, we were largely excluded. She told us a few details, but no photos and no requests from me for photos. Her valentines dance same thing. Oh thats nice.

I am engaging in activities such as hiking in the wilderness every weekend, soloing, with ever-increasingly difficult climbs. Ive joined hiking/adventuring groups (am a sort of moderator in one...but its got a lot of those). I journalise these and have gotten many positive comments, and a few invites to go as a group. Im preferring my solos due to scheduling and pace.

Ive started back at the gym. My Dad is also going back on strict keto, and hiking every day and we keep in contact as encouragement. He even managed to get a call in to me on the trail of a location that had no cell service. I am careful and take precautions and text my intended locations and the trail is heavily tafficked. 

Ive been making new friends of current acquaintances. Ive been going places with them, leaving DH behind to watch tv, and drink beer with his BFF, while skid stays in her room donig whatever. Ive been making my own travel plans. Gas prices havent helped, but I am determined to move forward with them. Attempts at making any plans with DH have foundered, for different reasons. "you really want to go there?" or "theres no fishing there". Another one "well we should fix up the house before we really go anywhere". So, I will make plans and if he wants to go, fine, but I will also have ones where he is not invited.

My big thing today- I signed up for some medical-aesthetic proceedures (non invasive), encouraged and informed by a close friend who has had them to wonderful results. 

The Big Picture is that I am doing for me. No longer investing in my SD/SKids. I am branching out, understanding that DH has his BFF and that is who he wants to spend his time with. His emotional needs are being met by his friend. This longtime friend comes over so much (2-3 times weekly), he will sometimes walk in when DH is on his way home, walk to my fridge to put his beer in, walk in the man-cave garage, sit himself in the chair and grab the remote. He will stay for at least 3 hours. Many Friday nights this person will come over and they will sit together cackling over some movie or sitcom, discuss the news. This dude knows something about everything and has no woman of his own. Then Saturday they will go fishing together. And he will come in and hang out a few hours.  I havent posted much about this topic, but its been a big problem the past few years. 

Last weekend, I made some plans, so BFF came around but didnt stick around. I went out Friday night with a GF, DH stayed home, but got ready to go Put on cologne etc then stayed home...Im turning the tide. Maybe he will get the drift and we will flow in the same direction...

We did go out Saturday night to a birthday bonfire. And Sunday night. Sunday night SD15 came out with us. Watched live music and drank soda, just kind of sitting there. It was nice she wanted to come out with us, but at this point Im over it. Over trying to make things nice for her, over wanting to spend any time with her.  Afterwards we went to dinner and she dropped two different little funny bombs down:

1) Talking about child support and custody, (weird convo involving salon visits) she quips "and courts are heavily biased to the mothers",Something I have mentioned so she understands what will happen if she chooses to activate her mother who threatens family court anytime she doesnt get her way, or she percieves Ive done something "bad'. Its weird hearing myself quoted to myself.

2) "Me and my friends are finally bored of our phones." which took a super human strength to not say anything and keep my mouth shut. I wanted to reference the past year of her constant phone use to the exclusion of everything else. To mention our trip to a big beach town/city where I took her around on tours, we had a beachfront room and all she would do was to be on her phone. When I took her to live musc and all she could do was be on her phone. And now Im over it. Go ahead and be bored. Im happy you are bored. I want you to wallow in being bored. Ive got some time before she will be driving herself around to vsit with friends and do stuff independantly. And I know that prior there will be some sleepovers that I will not be doing transport for (because busy and mile away). Ill just sit back with my popcorn.

Hope you didnt get bored reading this, lol. 


Noway2b1's picture

Was trying to activate "old Clove" unboring her? It sounds almost like a (non) subliminal "Ok I'm ready to set aside my phone now and let you give me some attention/entertainment " I haven't shared much publicly (I message one person here that gets my brain dumps) but I'm living a similar thing with my DH and his BFF .... who is YSS (37) every weekend he's in town our weekend is taken up with DH being on call for him, one day it was literally 6 hours trying to catch up to "little buddy" after months of this I finally addressed it this weekend, (it's a long story how it got here) and I'm hopeful things will change but like you, I'm so over it. It's got a weird "weekend visitation " vibe to it. 

 I have been doing like you, planning things with my own kids, going on walks and generally stay pretty busy, it's dang hard making friends at my age (55) I was in with a crowd about 8 years ago but it's like no one wants to really be friends. I'm so sick of inviting people to do things with me and being asked "well who else will be there" they don't seem to want one on one friendship and there was such a pack mentality. Maybe I'll look into a hiking group but what I envision is me straggling behind a group and carrying the water LOL! 

CLove's picture

Like a play for sympathy. To make it easier to get rides to friends houses and back. To let us know shes going to make more plans. Sort of FYI.

Shes not wanting to do anything with me, shes wanting us to enable her to do things with her friends. Which is nice - it gets her out of the house. After the dance she did a sleep over and hung out w friend all day sunday.

Egads, I would hate that whole weekend visit thing. I have no bios of my own, unfortunately.

Yeah - Im 53 and its HARD making friendships. Before DH I had a somewhat solid group but now Im not single and closer its tougher. Im 30 minutes away from everything. used to be 10. I get the "well I already have something planned but will let you know". 

caninelover's picture

with the friends I had when I was single.  I still see them but we don't do as much together (I moved farther away as well).  Yes it is a challenge to make new friends as we get older.  Though I honestly haven't made much of an effort to expand my existing circle either.

Noway2b1's picture

Omg let's get together, thing is, I'm a planner. I say it, I implement it. I kinda have a three strikes rule for many things LOL. If I have to reach out three times (and am the only one trying to make it happen) or  to try to reschedule something that they cancel on me, I pretty much call it a day. I have friends of over 20 years and we get together a couple times a year for lunch, of course it takes planning and coordinating but we are always still trying to make it happen. My DH asked me the other day why I'm no longer "friends" with his oldest daughter, I told him "I drove by her house nearly every day for two years (school run with my high schooler) and I reached out many many times about getting together and stopped by with coffee or to gift her something and guess how many times she reached out with "hey why don't you stop by today?" Zero..... not once. Never invited me for anything and in fact they began making sure their mom was at every single get together they host. Every. Time.  Final straw with skids was the endless chasing and them always being late, I don't invite them for anything or reach out in any way to them anymore. It's been great. I realized I spent a lot of our early marriage trying to form a relationship with them and 2019 was my breaking point of realizing, not only am I not their cup of tea, they certainly aren't mine and I would be much happier spending time with people that matter to me. 

caninelover's picture

That much time with a BFF at our house would bug the crap out of me.  I take it BFF has no place with a man cave they can hang out and drink/not drive?

As far as B/M - well teenagers say things on the fly, probably mimicking something a cool kid said.  It often doesn't reflect reality.  Keep in mind she's still young so being uber-geniune and saying 'I'm on my phone alot' is probably not realistic for her.

Good for you for focusing on your interests.  Funny that DH got ready with cologne just to sit there and do nothing.  I bet he was hoping you'd ask him to join you!

Hiking is a great way to spend time relaxing outdoors, either alone (with reasonable precautions) or with a group.

CLove's picture

BFF has to move out of his current place. Sometime. And DH has made that comment "well would you rather I was here or there and driving home?"

LOL, it was a ticketed event with front row seating. For two only Biggrin No way was I taking him.

Its super fun. And I plan on more and different activities.

caninelover's picture

were team sports at the local rec center.  Indoor volleyball but they have a lot of choices now.  It was fun and often some or all would go out after for drinks.

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

and not worrying about DH and SD's plans. I remember you posting about your DH's friend and that is just ridiculous, but you know that and have removed yourself from the situation so I am happy for you. 

Definitely important about sending information about your hikes and such plus going to heavily hiked trails too. I have been a bit disappointed I use All Trails and some of the hikes I have wanted to do they have been having HUGE problems with people breaking into cars while people are on the hike. I will wait until summertime for those when it will be SO busy that hopefully people aren't breaking into cars because there are too many people.

I am just very happy for you that you are focusing on YOU! It is sad about how DH spends his time, but like you are saying perhaps after some time DH will notice your absence and make more effort to do things together.

caninelover's picture

Theives will sit and watch people looking for where they put their wallets - either under a backseat, trunk, glove compartment, etc.

Best thing you can do is to only take your driver's license and a bit of money or credit card and keep that on your person (or your backpack).  And get that organized before you leave home - don't toss your whole wallet in the car, then get the to the trailhead, park, then sit and fiddle with it all.  Just put everything together, drive there, park, then hop out and hit the trail right away.  If anyone's watching that will be a big clue that you didn't leave a wallet or purse behind.

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

our camera bags are already set and loaded with our wallets/cards, so whenever we get where we are hiking we literally pull out our camera bags, layer up if necessary, finish the last swig of coffee and off we go.

I guess I never thought of that since we roll out ready to go so all that fiddling is done and out of the way before we even leave the house

caninelover's picture

A lot of people will sit there with trunks open doing all that fiddling!  Full disclosure:  I used to do that LOL until I heard about my friends' car getting broken into at a nearby trailhead!

CLove's picture

All goes with me in my pack. Thats  agood idea to keep most at home.

strugglingSM's picture

This is one of the things that keeps me from doing more hiking. I don't keep anything of value in my car, but don't want my windows broken. I also don't like the idea of people prowling around in parking areas. 

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

I really don't want a broken window 

goldengoat's picture

I think it's awesome that you're focusing on your!  I have a feeling that the more you do that and the happier it makes you, the more DH and and SD will want to be part of your time and positive energy.  

I've been thinking of taking hiking back up lately, myself.  I used to hike the Kisatche for miles and miles at least twice a week, and now I'm living somewhere with great hiking again, so I'm looking forward to getting to know some new trails.  

Also, your SD wanting out of the house sounds like a dream come true!  Send a little of that luck my way, please!  lol

CLove's picture

I had to look that up. Altrails is wonderful. Do IT!!! It has made ALL the difference in my life so far. Last year totally sucked. 

you - ", the more DH and and SD will want to be part of your time and positive energy"

Me - "yeah, no, its now too late they will not have an opportunity to be a part of my time and energy. That ship has sailed...."

Stepdrama2020's picture

High five lady. Finally you are doing YOU.

Dh sounds immature with his BFF sidekick. To hell with them. Keep bettering yourself, if thats possible, you are already awesome.

Backstabber probably misses the Clove that spoiled her. Too bad so sad. Consistent changed behavior would be the only reason to re engage.

Proud of you  BLESSINGS

CLove's picture

or Cloves $$.

Yes, both of them can sit there drinking and watching tv and cackling in my dust.

(((hugs))) thank you again for all your wonderful support Biggrin

Cover1W's picture

This is great news - keep it up.  While my DH isn't full of inertia like yours is, I cannot wait for him to get it together all the I plan stuff for myself and just let him know what I'm doing.  The good thing is though DH an I have a good relationship ouside of the SDs for the most part and he's working on himself too.  And he's had changes in the last 6 months that are super good.

BTW:  If DH had a friend (mooch) like that I'd not hesitate to kick him out and buh-bye if I didn't want him there and DH would get an earfull.


Winterglow's picture

Does your DH realize that he and his BFF probably look like a pair of lonely old men in the making? Dammit, he has a lovely active wife! Why is he wasting so much of his life with one of his cronies?! 

Answer: because it's easier than having to make any kind of effort. Idiot. His pal is using him because nobody else will put up with him, not because he's a friend. 

Delighted to hear you're enjoying your life, CLove! You go girl! 

CLove's picture

The other night I took a picture of the two of them in the chairs watching tv drinking beer and eating snacks together to send my gf who is currently in another timezone. She was already appraised of the situation.

Husband has himself told me "BFF has nothing going on positive in his life - its work and sleep and sometimes here and thats it".

Youve got it right. If I organise it it happens. I might just organise a sale of the house and trial separation...

Yes, feeling lonely in the marriage. I wonder if he even notices. He notices when Im cranky. So he can complain about the b!tchy wife...

Meanwhile Im enjoying my growth. Thank you Biggrin

Livingoutloud's picture

I think part of the issue is that you expect him to notice. But he doesn't care regardless if he noticed or not. Rather than you speaking up and him acknowledging and validating and then him trying to do better. Can you tell him you feel lonely and explain why?

Spouses should be able to speak directly about what bothers them and discuss how to go about it. You aren't neighbors or coworkers. You should be able to express yourself

 If you did tell him what was the response? 

Livingoutloud's picture

Good for you doing things for yourself and by yourself or with a group. Smart move.

Guests 2-3 times a week? insane. You are way too nice. Once a week. Even that maybe and not on a work day. sSo he tells you that if you don't want his friend there, he'd go to friends house and drive home drunk? What a manipulator! Like the only options he has in life is to drink with a friend at home or out of the house. Like no other options for a married man? What an idiot! 

keep doing your own things! 

CLove's picture

This is a really great comment, thanks. Yes, DH has been accused many times of being an idiot on here. Not much I can do to change him and his ways, and of course theres a lot more behind the scenes that I have to deal with, that I dont like to mention.

YES, a guest 2-3 times a week who walks in like he owns the place, or at least like he lives here too. Ive joked "tell him that Im charging him rent". Or when DH gets a call from yet another guy friend, "oh Im telling BFF that your cheating with another man".

Doesnt phase him because I have the feeling he doesnt really care that much. Any turn arounds will be more about FOMo than anything else. 

We just arent connecting anymore. Im now connecting with my backpack and merril hiking shoes.

Livingoutloud's picture

I don't know how this guy even feels it's ok to go to people's houses that often. Irritating. At least it's good he doesn't sit in a living room!

strugglingSM's picture

I'm inspired by you. I've disengaged from skids, but need to do more planning for myself. DH works a physical job, so his ideal weekend is one where he does nothing except nap and watch his favorite movies or tv series on repeat. I get it, in some ways, but it's just a little depressing to me. DH is also a bit of a stick in the mud when it comes to trying new things....preferring instead to go to the same five places. We now have a toddler, so I now plan activities for her which I also find fun (the latest being swim class, which has encouraged me to take up swimming again). I make the same small talk with one SS. The other one now ignores me because I'm "mean". That's fine, he's a wimpy weirdo who is now BM's minion, so he can ignore me all he wants. 

Also, I'm impressed that you have not pushed BFF out the door. He sounds a bit pitiable, but really, he should find a local pub or something. Coming over with his beer before your DH gets home is just too much. 

CLove's picture

 finally let loose the other night and we had it out. And well, havent seen BFF since then although Im sure that he plans on showing up this evening after work and probably will go fishing tomorrow.

Thats ok. Im making plans.

SteppedOut's picture

Good for you for not letting your life slip away. Yet, it is sad that you and your husband seem to be disconnecting. 

Perhaps he will come to his senses before it is too late. 

CLove's picture

Its a brick wall. But Im hopefuly and optimistic that life will improve somehow...