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And the Angels started to sing...

CLove's picture

The gray skies parted to sunshine and blue skies, the harps are tuned, and SD SMPS popped out of her room this morning, said "hello" & very quickly we chatted. "how are you and how are you".

She had put away dishes from dishwasher and put more dishes inside dishwasher. Made egg salad sandwhich and asked me if I wanted some. Made a sandwhich for Husband, and herself, and even toasted the bread for mine.

So what exactly happened? Oh, of course a friends birthday party happened. Husband is watching football, and doing laundry. He made noises about running Skid to her friends and I heard snippets about getting a present "on the way".

LOL. Yep. And Ive got a studio tour and some friendhsip gatherings to attend and I wont be home in time to pick up skiddo.

Isnt it the way of things? ALL FREAKING WEEK Snotty McPouterSulk. And TODAY, SUNDAY, perfect child all smiles and chatting and sweetness.

Yep I better get the freak outta here, or it will be "negotiation time"...


Birchclimber's picture

Omg!  Talk about a kid with an agenda!  One thing that you can always count on?   Her ability to turn on the charm when she's about to ask for something. 
...grab that egg salad and run!!! lol

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Everyone in step life has an agenda. BM, the skids, SO, the in-laws etc. It's one of my top five reasons why being a step parent sucks.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Yep. Even stepparents have an agenda. Extended family, friendliness, acceptance... At a bare minimum, politeness.

Rags's picture

Not happenin!

Time for her to get the message. No, get your driver's license and a job so you can take yourself to your friend's B-day party and buy her a gift.  At SMPS age she  does not earn what she wants when she starts kissing  parent/SParent asses. So, she can actually or at lease more pointedly  kiss your asses and learn something.  Be told no, and suffer. That is the message.

Buh-bye SMPS and DH.

Have a great day!


Though DH will in all liklihood drink the over sweetened one time only Kook-Aid.

Enjoy your day and friends.

MissK03's picture

Rags.. I do attend to agree with you on a lot of things BUT this... it's not that easy.

What has OPs DH actually done for his kid?? Clove twisted herself to give her a positive life BUT her parents were always failing her. So is she suppose to just snap out of it at 16 and see reality of life? 

If she can't even ask her father for a ride to a birthday party without feeling like she needs to DO something for HIM... makes you wonder no? 

Her mother and father clearly want it to be all about them.. 

EDIT: you (and I'll use this term lightly) lucked out that your son wasn't exposed on a daily basis to his dysfunction on his bio dads side. I feel that (even though it's not what I pictured for myself) we lucked out by BM not taking the skids the past almost 5 years because it would have made our lives that much harder for them to be exposed to her dysfunctional ways.. 

CLove's picture

He had some cocktails at BFFs home and asked me to do pick up. At least it was on the way...

JRI's picture

Aside from the manipulation, as you step back, she steps forward.  The dance of intimacy


CLove's picture

And Husband ended up watching Football with BFF in another town, got buzzed and asked me to pickup on the way home. Which I did because it was on the way.

MissK03's picture

For you Clove it's great. BUT.. take note: if the girl has a birthday party (normal life stuff) she shouldn't have to butter her dad up because he is watching football to bring her....

Stuff like this bothers me.. I will be honest... things in my own life and my parents not being present for stuff makes post like this bother me. 

YES.. she is old enough to be driving... YES she is old enough to start paying for her own things.... BUT her parents aren't pushing her... that's the true problem. 

We NEVER gave skids attitude because they had a birthday party or whatever and needed a ride..

This basically goes along with your pervious post (how he was going fishing and she wanted to go to the fair) how your husband doesn't want anything to do with actually being a parent. He is about him. 

We are quick to blame skids here but this time... it's your DH.

The_Upgrade's picture

For the most part skids take the blame but it's usually our spouses who fail to parent properly, fail to shut down backtalk, fail to set proper consequences for poor behaviour. The skid acts out and we focus on battling the symptoms of the disease rather than the disease itself. 

MissK03's picture

I agree. In this isolated incident (it is described) as if she couldn't ask her dad casually "hey I got a birthday party for "x" on "x" day. 

She felt like she needed to do something for him for her to get a ride... instead of dad just saying oh ok sounds good... she needed to provide for him first... same as she does with TT. 


CLove's picture

She does exactly zero to contribute to the household. So he sees it as a balance - ask her to earn her fun.

At what age does the "Im entitled to fun without working for it" age end?

MissK03's picture

When her parents aren't teaching her anything, not holding her accountable for anything, (grades included) not doing basic parenting functions why should she contribuate... just on her own??!

No teenager is willing going to do stuff to be nice and "contribute" to the house. LOL that would be a utopia land. 

She is getting zero guidance from her parents and is just floating by... you need to turn this really on your DH at this point.. not on SD. He is not present in her life from what you describe.. he is not going to counter TT doing what he is doing. 

Rags's picture

rude, pouty kid.  She only engages when she wants something. As I understand it.

She has not earned rides, parental funding of gifts for her friends, etc.....  Even with not getting a DL or a job, I agree that she should not have to butter up her father for basic life events.  IF.... note the BIG IF... she was not incessently manipulative, underperforming, and generally chronically unpleasant.  

I am fine with zero support for extras. She hasn't earned them with pleasant engaging behavior., family participation, or academic performance.  Toxic people are treated comensurate to what they earn with their behavior.  Sadly, she comes by it geneticall via her mother and her sister.  Dad is not confident or assertive enough to counter the overwhelming negative inertia from TT and FF.


At some point being being a shit is on the kid. Though the cause is usually shit parents.  Not much doubt about that.

lieutenant_dad's picture

So which parent is teaching her not to be a sh*t kid? Which parent is teaching her not to be manipulative?

Her BM is a Grade A psycho, with her sister not falling far from that tree. Her dad is easily manipulated by his ex but is a total arse to Clove unless she is sucking up to him and leaving him to his own devices. The kid has had ZERO guidance from an actual parent. CLove tried, but a part-time SP can only do so much when BOTH parents are dysfunctional.

CLove's DH acted *exactly* as he always does. SD acted *exactly* how she was brought up to act with her parents to get what she wants AND needs. I bet she has an entirely different persona and set of rules she has to follow with her BM just to get her basic needs met, and that's frankly disgusting behavior. Yeah, going to a birthday party is a privilege and not a right, but when your parents offer you zero support to be the best person you can be, seems like a really dumb place to draw a line in the sand.

So, you're not entirely wrong when you're talking about a "normal" kid in a "normal" family. But when there isn't anything "normal", all bets are off.

CLove's picture

However, shes not even meeting the minimums. Of anything. Where do you draw the line age-wise as far as holding child accountable for not meeting the minimum? Im not drawing any lines, just making a point of not involving myself. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

But you did involve yourself. You picked her up, even if on your way. You helped enable this behavior.

I'm not trying to be mean when I say that, but look at the example your DH just set. He took his daughter somewhere fun that she needed to be picked up from, then he went and got buzzed. He put himself in a position where HE couldn't do the bare minimum, which was fulfil his parenting responsibility of make sure SD gets home okay.

When should SD have learned where the line was? A long time ago. However, your adult husband hasn't learned it yet, so not much hope that SD will learn it anytime soon. Don't hold her to a higher standard than you hold her father.

Also, pay attention to his actions next time. Did he do laundry BECAUSE he knew he was going to a friend's house and was planning on asking you to grab SD? Food for thought.

CLove's picture

Shes definitely got a bad "blue print" and she cannot supercede this blue print.

He needs to be FULLY responsible for when shes doing something like that, unless someone else can do it. One of our issues is that she goes to school and has friends that are in another town west 20 mins over from us. I frequently go west during the weekends for my entertainment. He did not tell me until afterwards that he was actually on the coast - I assumed he was at home! So now I feel tricked, because when he started having cocktails he KNEW Id think he was at home...

lieutenant_dad's picture

And there you have the reason why SD manipulates her dad: because she sees it work on you from him.

CLove's picture

Husband AND Toxic Troll are the responsible parties here. No one has given her any kind of attitude about wanting to do fun things and needing money to do them with. Im not sure where this assumption came up. I dont do anything, just go silent or go "aha", while inside I seeth a bit.

AND for the continuing record its not JUST the not driving and not working and not doing anything towards attaining these things, plus the 2 fs and 8 PLUS scool absences, its the attitude SHE is giving on TOP of all the previous mentioned things.

MissK03's picture

I also think you're twisting normal teenage behavior making more out of it then it is..

Her sitting in her room laughing with her friends and being moody when she comes is pretty normal teenage behavior. I live with 3... and I'm one of 3 and I was always in my room when I was home. 

Think about her living situation with her mom... the girl slept on the couch or bean bag at TTs right? Now she's sharing a place with who knows... if I were SD I would love to chill in my room at my dads and have privacy.. she can't do that at TTs. 

CLove's picture

Because of my past dealings with her, the fact that I have no bios of my own and seeing how her personality changes with the person shes dealing with...I understand that shes got her privacy at our place and believe me she takes FULL advantage of it...

I am the one who has to deal with the kids moods and attitude but dont get any benefits from this. Not like a bio parent that at least gets the love and loyalty...

MissK03's picture

Your last paragraph I 100% understand. Even though skids barely see their BM they still have loyalty to her. We see it with SS19 ALOT and SD15 sometimes because she's at a weird stage with things.. not at all though with SSstb18. 

Nothing you can do about it.. that's why you can't wear your heart on your sleeve all the time. 

BUT in my situation SO does parent and it is not "I" it's we... 

He does shut shit down with attitude and having real life convos especially with SS19. 

CajunMom's picture

Your SD has treated you terribly and NOW she needs you so she's being nice. Nope. Let her play her game. Continue with the civil and superficial conversations and go about your business. She has a father and it is HIS job to take his kid places. If he doesn't like having to tote her everywhere, then it's up to HIM to encourage HIS child to get her driver's license. 

Disengagement is so freeing!! Keep it up!

PetSpoiler's picture

My daughter couldn't wait to get her license.  Now she's talking about looking for a job.  We didn't have to push her except a little bit on the job front.  Now she sees the benefit in looking for a job.  She wants to have her own money and be able to buy what she wants when she wants.  I did give a little push on that front.  I talked up when I worked as a teenager being able to buy clothes or whatever when I wanted.  I didn't have to ask either parent for the money.  Plus we told her that she'd have to work if she wanted to have a car.  We agreed to let her wait until after marching band season is over so she won't have so much on her plate.  She's taking an AP class and some honors classes this year so that's why.  She won't be taking any hard classes next year.  Do kids nowadays just want to forever live in Mom and Dad's house and have to follow their rules forever?  What happened to independence?  I couldn't wait to move out!  

CLove's picture

It might be a FOO issue or it might be societal or it might be both, who knows?

Good for her, it will only be to her best benefit for now and in the future.

PetSpoiler's picture

She is 16.  Her birthday is in July.  She took a driver's ed class last year and passed her test there.  She had me take her to get it on her birthday.  

It may be both society and parenting.  Some parents are more lenient than theirs were.  Unfortunately they're too lenient and haven't taught their kids that with freedom comes responsibility.  I think society as a whole isn't pushing responsibility either.