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4th of July and PLANS

CLove's picture

Well, this past weekend ended up strangely and now I have a cough.

I tend to pack in the weekends with go-with-the-flow plans, but I am also wanting to take some earned vacation time as well. SD15 Backstabber/Munchkin was with us for the week (Wednesday to Wednesday ugh. Explanation - she wanted it changed and the parents agreed because of distance learning, ROTC and the difficulties surrounding turning her camera on for extra credit when at Toxic Trolls apartment)

Our weekend went as follows: 

Saturday: A car show, then an art opening. Saw friends and made introductions. Artists, musicians, friends. SD15 B/M kind of stayed in the background smiled and waved. Lunch, then walking around our tourist town. DH was sick with something, so I walked around with SD B/M so she could "see things". When asked if she bought anything, she stated she had not thought to bring her money ( gift card my mother had sent and some $$ from relatives) DH mentioned that he could have repayed me, and I could have financed things, and I answered that she didnt seem particularly interested in anything so I did not offer that. I think shes getting it that Im not going to be paying for things from now on.

Then later, we dropped by a popular music space, saw a friend of DH. Now this friend lives up north and has large properties including cabins in forests near rivers. Has been inviting DH for YEARS. DH doesnt take vacations or trips, just weekend excursions. So now that we are focused on doing things, I have it in my mind to approach this friend. I asked "so do we have an open invitation to visit?" (not knowing that accomdations would be provided FREE). The answer was a resounding YES. So, excited about this, I mentioned it to DH, and SD15 B/M, who was also excited to do something fun. I mentioned that it was kind of tough keeping track because instead of Sunday to Sunday, visitation went Wed to wed. I asked if there was consideration on changing it anytime soon...she agreed it was kind of tough keeping track.

So, we went on about calendaring and decided that the next to last weekend in July would be a good time because it was before school started (she doesnt know exactly when that is, just sort of around first week of August) and during a time that I thought would be our visitation. She insisted her mother was "always flexible", but I let her know that its just easier to track. Did I hit a little hard about the schedule being sucky? Maybe.

So, NOW, I am giving up 2 vacation days for the purpose of a trip that includes skid. Im already regretting it, especially after she asked "will I have internet for my music ?" Meaning her friend Kansas City. And Ill be spending Thur-Sunday with her.

Well the conversation unfortunately came out about 4th of July. She started arguing about it being a "holiday, like Christmas and Thanksgiving". I argued back that that was her mothers weekend, and there were no official events, no family gatherings (which she has had over 10 years of HUGE family gatherings for holidays so she is certainly not a deprived child)  and that we were going to my friends house party, adults. After arguing back and forth about it, we just left it at "well, there is nothing really legal about fireworks right now, we will be sitting in the front yard watching them happen unofficially in the streets". Pouty mcPouterson came out "you guys are ALWAYS doing adult things..." And Im like "RIGHT. I have no bio kids of my own to organise things why would I not do adult things?" LOL. That was unplanned but hey a good point. Meaning - yeah - why would I go out of my way for YOU? I should have just kept quiet about 4th of July plans.

Sunday: DH went fishing with friends, and I went to a fun afternoon-into evening party alone with friends. Did not invite SD15 B/M to anything. Its freeing but sad...but still really good to let her know that "buh bye YOU do not get to go to fun things with me anymore". 

Also Ive stopped talking through her bedroom door even for small things, she has to get off her butt, and open the door and speak face to face, because of her "harrassing through the bedroom door" accusations.


CLove's picture

Maybe Im being picky, but the whole "its a holiday so Im with you guys" thing was just annoying AF. Last year she was with Toxic Troll, and they did NADA. We sat in our boat in the drive way, and watched fireworks go off around our city, but also did NADA. It was COVID lockdown.

As in, since she wants to be with us, on her mothers visitation time, we are compelled to find things she would enjoy and then do them, for HER sake. And maybe under different circumstances, since things are opened up here, I would put together some fun a beach trip, barbQ, or something...but nope, not my job anymore. I got fired remember?

Aniki's picture

CLove, do NOT do one bloody thing to entertain her. Do NOT make any fun plans. Leave it up to your DH. Every.Single.Thing.

Repeat after me. "Go ask your father.' 

Again. "Go ask your father."

Once more. "Go ask your father."

You might consider looking into the local bus schedule or uber in order to escape for a couple of hours.

Last time. "Go ask your father."

CLove's picture

You get me. Its my nature to be all-inclusive. Im used to thinking of ways to make things fun for her. "oh poor kid doesnt do anything when at moms house" has always been the song and dance.

well, guess what. You want fun times? Go ask your father. Or not. Im looking into fun things for me to do while on our trip. He wants to fish...I might check out the white water rafting for beginners...

sleepymeg's picture

Yes, do check out white water rafting! I went once years ago and had a blast. Trying to get BF to go with me this year but he's afraid lol. Hope you get some well-deserved solo time while DH and SD enjoy fishing!

CLove's picture

To get the point across? That always tends to bite me later. And of course nothing in text.

But really, should I say something to either DH or Backstabber/Munchkin? It would feel good, so probably not.
And DH would more than likely take offense and call everything off. Or not?

Aniki's picture

I wouldn't discuss it with him. Unless you do not want this trip to happen. 

If you DO want to make the trip (white water rafting!), make sure you tell Ba/Mu to ask her father and do NOT let your DH leave Ba/Mu with you.

CLove's picture

I definitely want to make the trip. Have to find out location - its a large area. And I want to hike and explore together too of course (lol, maybe...)

Aniki's picture

Nothing wrong with the three of you doing activities together as long as you're in agreement! *give_rose*

CLove's picture

its going to take time. There has been some complaining (you always do ADULT stuff!) and push back (DH : I only have a limited amount of time before shes older)

advice.only2's picture

"Well SD15 maybe you should ask your FATHER if he has made any plans for 4th of July."
"I don't know what you and your FATHER are doing this weekend SD15 I have plans with friends."
"Hmmm a vacation to cabins...that sounds like something your FATHER needs to work on, I'm heading up earlier than that."

CLove's picture

I should have just kept my trap shut and let her text him or ask when I wasnt around. Because it became an arguement that ended with me saying "well, I dont know, I have nothing to do with deciding who you go with..."

And unfortunately its an 8 hour drive - so we are stuck together. Oh well, it will be good to get into nature. Ill be planning my own activities.

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

Based on what I know about you, you probably slightly feel bad and would like to include her in plans for the holiday even though it is not your DH time and not your responsibility to include her, but please stand your ground on this one! Your SD has taken advantage of your kind spirit and you deserve to do what you want to do for the holiday and forget about SD's desires especially after her recent behavior. 

CLove's picture

Isnt this the whole crux of things like holidays and steplife? We are always in this weird place - like the push me pull you, we are pulled in all these different directions.

I imagine its way tougher with steps that have bios to please as well. Im lucky - no obligations to entertain kids. Its simply on a want-to basis.

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

you have to let your DH decide what he really wants to do/not do and not even suggest or bring up topics unless your SO does first. For example, my DH right now does not look forward to calling SD. Why? 1. Because it has to be scheduled through BM so it requires first talking to BM, 2. Typically when we call BM has SD distracted or out somewhere even though we ask what time would be good to avoid this, 3. Sometimes SD hardly talks because she's out doing something, 4. Usually following the conversation there is some drama message from BM or BM told SD something that wasn't true, etc. aka usually there's drama. 

So this was the first father's day we did not have SD for because we live on the other side of the country. Did I think DH should call and talk to SD? Yeah, but did I bring it up? No... I did not because my DH gets frustrated with everything that surrounds when we call her and we just called her so I figured if DH wants to talk to SD on father's day then he will bring it up. Guess what? DH brought it up and scheduled a call with SD. It was great because he got to do what he wanted to do and I didn't have to get frustrated with DH's frustration. 

I know it isn't easy and I don't have any bios yet and when I do it will be with DH, but SD has hurt you/taken advantage of you so many times and we all here just don't want to see it keep happening. SD in your case has unfortunately started to learn how to manipulate from her sister and mom so she will use it to get what she wants as she has seen done.

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

Stay focused on planning things for yourself that will make the trip enjoyable to you.

M is not your responsibility and she has to learn to be happy with whatever her parents provide for her. She made that decision when she decided she didn't want you to be involved in the day to parenting. So she doesn't get your involvement when it suits her. 

CLove's picture

When it "suits her".

She wants me to "parent her" when it suits. And then "oh no, your not my parent. Ill activate my mother against you now...". 

i just keep thinking about what life will look like after 18.