O/T Marriage Troubles
I am having some serious issues in my marriage, and I need advice. I don't really talk to my family about my personal life, so I came here.
My husband and I have been married almost 1 year. When we met, he was making great money, he had a thriving buisness and was doing quite well for himself. He had been doing well for the past 11 years. Shortly after we met (5 months)he lost a major contract that was instrumental for him to run his business and he had to close. He was in the process of starting a new business with his brother and a long time friend, so he thought it was a sign that he should put all of his energy into the new business. He had some income trickling in from past deals and then he received one last large payment that helped get us through our wedding, and living expenses last year.
New biz started to pick up traction, had one large deal the end of last year, which gave all 3 partners including my husband, their first payment out of newbiz. Since then... nothing. Newbiz has about 40K in the bank. None of the partners are touching it. They want to make sure Newbiz has no debt, and has a good safety net of cash on hand. My husbands business partners both have full time jobs other than Newbiz. My husband does not.
Also, my husbands ex left him in a financial mess, and I am the only one with a paycheck at the moment, which means I am the one paying down the debt. It takes most of my paycheck. The plan was for me to help with the debt for a little bit, then DH would start making money with newbiz, and he would pay me back. This isn't happening.
We are a 7 member household and I am the only one with regular income. I am starting to resent my husband. I am paying down his and his ex wives debt. I am supporting our family while my husband dreams big.
Last week I told him that he needed to look for something temporary until newbiz takes off. We are drowning. He told me that he had to make enough to cover daycare expenses for SD4 and not break even. Okay, I understand that, so at least start looking.
He has looked at work from home online jobs, I don't even know if they are legitimate. He has spent all of his time researching something that we don't even know is legit...
Yesterday I found out the office next to me was hiring customer service reps. The lady that told me about it even told him he could use her as a referral. I told him about it, and as soon as he heard customer serivce, he said "Oh no, that won't work for me, I'm a salesman, I need to make commission, an office job won't work for me." I have an office job, the job that is currently supporting our family.... I feel like he thinks he is better than me, eventhough I am the one supporting our family...
Last night, I told him that my mom offered to fly me down for a weekend to visit her for my birthday. She wanted to take me to get my hair done, and spoil me a little bit. I haven't had a hair cut in 5 months, I can't afford one. I told him that I would like to go over memorial weekend. We have his kids 24/7, mine will be with their dad that weekend, so I didn't think it was a big deal.
He got all upset, asked how I would feel if his brother offered him a free trip to vegas for the weekend. I told him that was completely different. He wouldn't listen and is not speaking to me at the moment...
I feel taken advantage of, underappreciated, and I feel like my husband is being selfish and taking out all his frustrations on me. I am seriously considering telling him to move out of our bedroom until he can make some changes. He needs to get a freakin job. He needs to stop taking out his stress and frustrations on me, and quit treating me like crap.
How do I get through to him that he is beating me down and I can't take it much longer?
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Comments
I should add that this has
I should add that this has been going on for about 9 months. He hasn't had a paycheck in 9 months.
First, why is it completely
First, why is it completely different if his friend invites him for a free weekend away?
Second, for richer or for poorer... really sucks. It sounds like he's in a bit of a funk through all of this. Men tie their worth to their work.
I don't really have any advice for you. I'm sorry.
Because he was talking about
Because he was talking about him going to Vegas, I'm going to visit my Mom in West Texas, not a party weekend, just hanging with my Mom.
Maybe it's your kind of
Maybe it's your kind of party. I'd much rather chill and get my hair done than go get drunk.
Go and have fun.
Wow. Go. Have your weekend
Wow. Go. Have your weekend and have fun! You will resent him more and more unless he starts pulling his load around there financially. Tell him how you are feeling and that if he doesn't start working and helping you are going to leave him, his bills and his kids to make it on their own.
Oh my, your story somewhat
Oh my, your story somewhat reminds me of ME. Sigh. Except, my DH decided it was ok for his loser brother to ALSO move in with us for a few weeks (I kicked him out).
Anyway, believe me when I say this that if he doesn't get a job soon, you will NEVER recoup the money that you have given. The resentment will build for years to come. I am still not over it and it has been 11 yrs now. The best advice I can give you is to request that he pays his own way and you pay your own way. Period. If he has kids 50% of the time and cannot afford them, they can't come over. Period. He needs to find any type of employement. I made my DH get a job delivering pizzas. I did not care. It was not enough, but it helped a bit with my resentment, etc.
I think he really needs to figure out how to make some money or stop seeing his kids, which I don't care what anyone says, is an extra expense. If he can't provide for them, you should not have to. In addition, he needs to find any job. If not, you need to get something signed that he will pay you back all this money if you split. You really do. Otherwise, you will never see it and you will continue staying in the "hopes" that it will turn around.
I will never recoup all the money I lost because of this. I regret it to this day. Yes, he's a nice guy, but sorry, real men figure it out. Period.
PS the whole dream he lost when he had kids with another woman he has to support. Period. Life is tough, we make stupid choices. That was his choice. In intact marriages most people don't fret over dreams, but really, his dream he lost because of his ex and kids. You are not the one who should suffer because of his decisions.
PS and INDEED go and have fun and get away from this mess
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your advice. We have his kids 100% of the time, BM is on "vacation" in the land of iron cells and barbed wire fences, so no cs, just me.
I don't care what kind of job he gets, something bringing in some cash would help with my resentment. He mentioned a few days ago that SS14 would like me to take him shopping for an outfit for his formal dance tomorrow night. I am suppossed to take him tonight. I really don't have the cash to take him, I am going to tell DH that he needs to take him and figure out what they can afford to buy him for his dance. One of my boys desperately needs a new pair of shoes, and I am saving my cash for him. He needs shoes more than SS14 needs an outift he is only going to wear once...
I am going to visit my mom. He can deal with it. I need to get away from this mess.
Visiting your mother may be
Visiting your mother may be what saves your marriage. Just saying....
Yes, I am sure he has great plans but for now he needs to bring in money. This will not be his career, it will be his money maker for the next 6 months. Then in 6 months if his company takes off he can walk away from the temporary job. If not he holds out for another 6 months and sees what happens then. Either way he is working and supporting his children and contributing to his household.
Time for him to 'man up'. I hear you can get great suits and clothes at Good Will....
I agree that he should get a
I agree that he should get a job. On a night shift. He can work at a factory. Make decent money and contribute financially. I dont understand why if the other partners work other jobs why your dh doesnt as well? It doesnt even make sense to me. If you are being offered an expense paid weekend-of course you should take it and your dh should want you to have a nice visit with your mom being pampered. Why on earth does he not want you to have that? It is different than a drunken, gambling binge to Vegas.
His partners have jobs
His partners have jobs because they had jobs prior to their forming Newbiz. DH had his buinsess, and then it went under, so he focused on newbiz. That's why they have jobs currently and he does not.
I will be going on my trip to my moms, it's not like it's cross country either, same state, 45 minute flight...
Wow hello life! Im much in
Wow hello life! Im much in the same boat.. paying all bills and although hes looking, somehow daycare is another cost I have to pick up when he does find something, because all the money seems to make it to BM, not me..
I had to flat out tell him if BM (and SD, although I didnt bring her up), end up on the street, that really isnt my issue. (he didnt have her money on the 1st). I told him, we're just floating by with me taking care of all the costs here, for him, me and our BS.. why would I give 2 shits if BM gets her money or not??
I kept telling him how nice it must be to be able to text him every 2 weeks and say 'wheres my money?'. I said that I dont get to text that and get a check every 2 weeks and he flipping lives at my house!
I was so pissed, so I totally understand where your coming from. I know your married but screw his/her debt, not your problem! Is he not getting any CS from BM? Also if it costs X amount for daycare for SD4, not your problem either!
BM is in jail, so no cs. That
BM is in jail, so no cs. That sucks what you are going through too... Being stomped on sucks!
Stop paying for his and his
Stop paying for his and his ex wifes debt. Screw how he feels about it. Then put that money towards marriage counseling ASAP.