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Pick My Battles and Count My Blessings

ChaCha's picture

Currently struggling with many thoughts of 15SS...while he does not appear to be a textbook "problem child"(counting my blessings), I can't help but wonder if it's ONLY attention that he seeks. In the past he has done things that are blatantly disrespectful and require discipline however he's also maintained a "helpful hand" persona; I tend to attribute that to the BM treating him more like a domestic partner aka babysitter, defender, friend, gossip girl...etc. However he continues to do things that we have clearly explained to him he is not allowed to do and while I am a firm believer that as parents we do not have to explain why we make the choices we make and the rules we set, there are times we do explain to all of them why decisions have been made on their behalf. For instance, you cannot have an FB account, you cannot have your phone, you will not be participating in extra curricular activities...for one reason or another...usually it's self explanatory like grades, behavior (lying, stealing, manipulation) but for one reason or another this kid does whatever he wants. I believe what bothers me most or makes me question my own authority is that there are times he's doing what he wants but it's not mischievous. Example, we were very clear in the beginning of the year letting him know he would not be participating in any clubs, teams, sports or other school related extra curricular activities until he brought home is first report card (which is next month). This due to the fact that he would sign up for many different things and allow them to take precedence over his academic obligations...such as I missed the homework because I was at "ABC" club or I didn't study for the test because I was making posters for "XYZ" Team, I didn't know that was due because I was in a meeting for "123" Club...So imagine my surprise when I find out he was marked absent from one of his classes today only to learn that he was attending a meeting for some club...not only am I pissed about him missing the class he currently has a "D" in, but he also missed a test, and obviously signed up for this without our knowledge or permission. So I sit here wondering how upset am I really and do I really want to take the time out to have another long lecture about his choices? The club is a great cause but I can't help but become more than angry at the thought of him yet again doing whatever he wants after we say NO...and hand and hand it goes as earlier I found out he reactivated his fb account.

Am I missing something here?

Comments

ChaCha's picture

We have full custody. BM lives in another state...has taken zero steps for visitation.

MotheringHeights's picture

Firstly, he's a teenager. That's what they do, they push you a little. What did stick out from your post is you stopped the extracurricula activities. I'm one for balance in life, all work and no play is not conducive to a happy healthy life. I say cut him some slack on that one, he's obviously craving some fun outlet amongst all 'your' academic requirements. They aren't mutually exclusive concepts. I'd try a different approach, admit you were too harsh on cutting him off from all his fun stuff, get him to choose one or two and see if he settles that way. It isn't confrontational, it signals to him you are not unreasonable and hopefully the lines of communication will begin to open so then you can go in and guide him. Barking at him what he can and can't do will only make him defensive, resentful and he'll shut down more! Currently the only 'choice' you are giving him is whether to defy 'your' choices. He's 15, its time to start giving him the responsibility to start making his own sometimes. You (in the parenting stakes) and he (in his moral responsibilities) can't be doing too bad if he's pursuing a worthy cause!

Good luck.

wickedwitch70's picture

My DH has this logic with is 14 year old son that lives with us full time (BM is in prison)..."until the cops come to the door I'm not worried about what he does". The boy comes and goes and doesn't tell him where he's going. Even sneaks out. He pretty much does whatever he wants. Eats what he wants, when he wants. I've tried to set some rules in the past but his father over rides me right in front of him. Saying things like who cares? Or why not? He has told me I will always lose when I go up against that kid. I bite my tongue a lot. He has a FB acct, cell phone (with a password on it) and spends hours on his laptop playing games. No rules here. Guilt Dad doesn't care what he does. I just count down until the kid turns 18.