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What i dream to say to manipulative SS9

Caroline2b1211's picture

My SS9 driving us crazy trying to get whatever he wants by lying and manipulating adults. 
He has developed two faces, can say that he spent a wonderful weekend with us and the minute he goes home tell his mother he did absolutely nothing but staying in his rooms. 
In april, he sent "SOS danger" to evil ILs just because his father asked him to better wash his teeth. Adults that surrounded him (ILs, maternal grand parents etc..) take his words for truth and he starts to enjoy create drama. 

Next time he comes home, i just dream of telling him : 

" SS, welcome home, 
The last time you went here, father and I planned a special week-end and actitivies for you. However, when you got back to BM, you told her your father didn't anything with you and you were bored all the week-end. 
We can't tolerate these lies anymore. Enough is enough. Ok, life doesn't go as you want, ok it's hard, ok you have hard time accepting your father had another child. But that doesn't excuse your untolerable behaviour. You have NO excuse, and you won't be forgiven for that. 
Aren't you ashamed of badmouth your father anytime you have the occasion ? Aren't you ashamed of sending "SOS DANGER" to MIL when your father just asks you to brush your teeth. 
Listen carefully, you won't be forgiven for any lies. Your father is tired trying to male whatever he can to make you feel enternained. He is even more tired of hearing that whatever he does, the only thing you will to is to deny all his efforts with you. 
You said you was bored last time. We have decided that this time, you will discover what to "be bored" means. 
All your activities will stop a 6 pm, at the end of activities center. No more extra, no more ice cream outside, no more gift, no more shopping, no more playing. 
Your father is TIRED, and I'm TIRED TOO.

Parent's job isn't to please and untertain their child. Parent's jos is to EDUCATE, show the right way, and teach VALUES. 
 

Obviously, you need some extra work on that. Obviously you need to realise that the only one to get in trouble with lies will be yourself. 

For your 10th birthday, we planned to give you a motor quad. That gift is cancelled too. You will have a birthday gift of course, but not so expensive than a quad. 
Your father and I are not stupid idiot working all day long to reward a manipulative JUDAS that doesn't care if he badmouth his OWN father. 
With the money we were supposed to buy your cancelled quad, we have decided to go on HOLIDAYS just the two of us. Just for rewarding us of all efforts we are doing for our family. We decided to gifted ourself. 
 

Now, your "i'm sorry, forgive me" doesn't work. We won't forgive you, we won't forget at all ! Every word that comes out of your mouth will be checked before, because we can't trust you. 
 

And just one thing. You can tell and ask whatever you wants to MIL and SIL. We don't CARE. Our home, our money, our RULES. We don't care about what they think, we don't care if they belive you. That won't change anything here, except for you getting in more trouble with us. 

You'd better to change your behaviour boy, because trust me, we are not idiot victims. " 

Waou, even virtually, that's sooooo good ! 

Comments

CLove's picture

I often have these types of conversations with myself, and write things out here, because yes, its a burden to carry all these unspoken emotions inside of us.

Heres mine.

SD15 Backstabber/Munchkin:

You have played the houses against each other for the last time. You get upset or mad or whatever and choose to "activate" your mother, who lashes out because she likes to.

You make things up, you show her texts, you tell her things we didnt say. And your actions caused a lot of arguments over the years. Because your father "doesnt want to lose you".

Well, kiddo, YOU lost ME. No more helping, no more discussing/chatting, no more outings for shopping, girls day at salon, I wont buy any foods you like. You want to complain about your sister, SD222 Feral Forger? Go somewhere else.

You want to plan a friends day, and your dad wants to fish? Dont count on me for any rides. In fact, do not count on me for anything. I am now free of obligation. And that new laptop I bought? Partially paid for with money I was going to give you for your birthday. Ditto for Christmas.

Im not wishing bad on you, but I hope somehow, someday you really learn your lesson.

Caroline2b1211's picture

Hi dear CLove, 

I love all your message. And especially the last words " Im not wishing bad on you, but I hope somehow, someday you really learn your lesson"

So true, to clear ! 
 

I'm so sorry for you you went through this. But somehow, i feel less crazy to see that i'm not the only one to have conversations with myself. Since last drama, this weekend, it won't stop. Writting is so liberating, i'm just thinking of begining a journal

Stepdrama2020's picture

The lil dictator should be called out for that behavior. You really should give the skid a taste of what its like to be bored. 

I hope your DH does reiterate some of what you wrote. These shits need to learn and have consequences for their behavior.

 

Caroline2b1211's picture

Oh yes, trust me, he will discover what to be bored means. DH idea to cancell all extra activities we planned for him. 

Past weekend, we show him the agenda with everything that was planned for week of july and august : karting, zoo visitation, cinema, beach day. So he will absolutely know what his behaviour costed him. 
Only activities center as we work. 

Harry's picture

The quad is canceled.  He doesn't deserve it.  With the money you save, it's vacation for two time.  You should buy him a book for his birthday. On being a Pearson. 

Caroline2b1211's picture

A what ? A book ? Oh no... he only can read two ligns of the first page of any book ...

Books, i have tried for years. Buying him football books, harry potter, fantasy, etc.. he has absolutely no interest in reading. But maybe that's the point !

thinkthrice's picture

Brattiness aka playing both households against each other is pretty much universal and global.

Then again it is pretty pathetic.

Caroline2b1211's picture

Playing both households.... with SS, it's more FOUR households. Our, BM's but also ILs and maternal grand parents. The kid destroy (with the help of stupid adult) all his family. 
Yes pathetic

thinkthrice's picture

The three ferals in my case are not only enmeshed with the Girhippo, they are also enmeshed with the Girhippo's BM

Ispofacto's picture

Did he know about the quad?  If so, on his bday when he asks where it is I would say, "We decided it would be SOS DANGER-ous".

No need for a big speech, just be a passive aggressive jerk.

SS:  "Take me for ice cream"

You:  "You don't really want to.  Last time we did that you were BORED."  or "We can't take you out, your mother thinks we keep you in your room all the time.  We wouldn't want to make you into a LIAR."

This way he'll continually tie his behavior to LOSING SOMETHING.

Caroline2b1211's picture

Yes, he knew about the quad. He asks for it for years and DH always said that he will get it at his 10th anniversary birthday. 
It's in september, so he his thrilled about it. 
Now the job is to tie the lost to his behaviour, explain to him that a quad is not a duty and that we are completly free of changing our mind without any guilt.
The holiday trip is real, and we decided to leave 3 days off just the two of us in august

Caroline2b1211's picture

A last thing i have forgot : SS seems to have no feelings since few weeks. I'm been really disturbed when DH get to police station to check his driving licence (we were arrested and he didn't have his licence on him). I was with SS and baby BS, and i didn't have the time to come with DH at the police station (BS needed to eat), so the officer offered to bring DH home after the control. 
SS saw his father get into the police car, and didn't show any emotion. He only asked "since dad is not there anymore, can i have my phone?". 
He is a sociopath ? I'm wondering

CLove's picture

Did I miss something?

Caroline2b1211's picture

Yes, i forgotten to mention that last holidays, when SS made the big "SOS DANGER" drama and when we drived him home to BM, DH had been arrested whilde driving by the police.

Normal control, but in the hurry of our departure (we had to pack baby bags as it's two hours away and as we decided to sleep to my mother's house because we were so tired of the drama). DH forgot to bring his driving licence with him. At the control, policeman decided to check the driving licence with DH at the police station (on their computer). 
So i let him with the police, drived SS back to his mother and went to my mother house waiting with the baby for DH to come back. 
DH came back one hour after, everything was right with his driving licence, he just had one penalty because he didn't have the physical paper with him. 
I was so tired i couldn't stop crying, too many things in one day : SOS danger, MIL and SIL calling DH to say that i'm a monster, the road, and even DH arrestation ! 
 

Well, guess what ? During the "arrestation" SS was super calm, not worried at all. Didn't ask any question, just "can i get back my phone ?". 
And then, in the eveningc he sent a message to his dad "hello dad, i have forgotten my switch in the car, can you bring it back for me ?" 
Absolutely no question about the police, about how his dad was etc.. 

He wasn't worried at all !! 
When i was a child, my father had been arrested for the same thing (driving licence control). My mother tried to calm me, but i was so worried than i couldn't stop crying. 
That's why i have been shocked by SS reaction to this. 

 

Winterglow's picture

You forgot one thing - no TV. I second Harry's suggestion of giving him a couple of books. 

Oh, and, before you implement any of the above, make sure his mother knows what is going on (seeing as she seems to back you up on most things). 

Caroline2b1211's picture

Hi winterglow, don't you think it's too strict ? He will already be deprived of phone, video games and extra activities. 
What will he do at home with no TV? Just an open question

LittleCloud9's picture

What he does is not your problem. Tell him to play in the yard or his room then do your own stuff. Children have entertained themselves for centuries before the invention of television and video games. It's not like you took all his toys or possessions away. Does he have a bike or skateboard? I m sure there is something and if he whines tell him this is the result of his own behavior. Add that there's nothing you can do about it so he needs to talk to himself not you about it, then walk away.

He has to be uncomfortable enough to care and change. Take the TV too because otherwise he won't really care. We took video games and all devices away for over a year from SS. The tv was a day by day decision- on a good day when he was polite he got two hours of tv and on a bad day when he was rude he got nothing. Keeping him entertained was not our job. Teaching him respect so he doesn't end up a delinquent is our job. Eventually he learned to make use of his LEGO's and books again. 4 years later we have a well adjusted respectful teen who is very polite to us now  :) 

justmakingthebest's picture

I agree that since you are taking the rest, I would leave the TV. However, you might have reduced hours or something. Maybe he can only watch after his room is clean, his chores are done and he has read for 20 mins. 

I am also not a fan of grounding. I feel like it is me who is punnished. I perfer manual labor. Yard work, extra chores, extra laundry, etc.

Ispofacto's picture

Yes, he should earn his screen time by being respectful and reading a little each day.  Have him read a book you know, so you can quiz him.

 

justmakingthebest's picture

I think it is important, if possible, to have all of the adults sit down and have this conversation with him. He needs to see that you aren't going to let him play the houses against each other. Kids will do what they are encouraged to do. This is one area where your DH and BM need to stop the BS and get on the same side. 

My BS tried this around that age and DD has recently started. I have a good working relationship with my ex and his wife. We were REAL quick to get together and make sure they knew that we are all on one team here- Team Parents. We both make a point to bring up in conversation regularly "Oh, I was talking to your dad/mom/SM- and we ...." It is amazing what that does to stop the nonsense. 

Caroline2b1211's picture

Yes, yes that's right. DH and BM will start by a serious talk on saturday. 
Then, another at home reffering to "we are on the same side". 
The only thing we can't control is what he is saying with ILs, they always cover him up. Deleting conversation and give him they support. And same thing seems to goes on with maternal Grand parents. 

justmakingthebest's picture

After BM / DH / You come up with a plan on showing a united front the grandparents all need to be informed that they will be cut out of his life if the do not respect the rules that the PARENTS have decided. They have no vote, no voice, no say in this. If they are caught further contributing to the delinquency of your minor, they are done. 

Caroline2b1211's picture

So true ! 
This was such a stupid idea to give a 9 YO child a phone (without parental control !!!!). 
Thankfully, DH agreed to take it off during visitation and BM has no problem with that. 
 

Caroline2b1211's picture

Hi everyone,

Thanks a lot for all your advise. It's absolutely a good idea to make him earn his TV time with a PERFECT behaviour. 
We will apply that rule as soon as he comes back. Plus the two first days, no TV, as we will explain to him that he must earn IT. 
 

Finally, what about chores ? 
he is only 9 (almost 10), and never ever did any chore. he is not a messy child (since he never use toys but only video game and TV), but never ever did his bed, or put on the table. 
What could we ask him to do, according to his young age ? 

justmakingthebest's picture

At 9 my kids took out the trash, made their beds, vacuumed, dusted, Started loads of laundry, help fold laundry, set the table, cleared the table and loaded the dishwasher. Pretty much everything that doesn't involve dangerous cleaners like bleach. 

Caroline2b1211's picture

Waou ! Compared to bratty SS, your kids sound perfect ! 
But you know, SS has easy life, capitalizing on all the "separation" things. Always been treated like a poor victim. Now, lack of education starts to show off. 
 

LittleCloud9's picture

He can definitely help out around the house. Start with some basic things and gradually add on more. At the very least he needs to make his bed, take out the trash is good, help set and clear the table. Yard work like raking and stuff is appropriate too. You guys can start teaching him how to do laundry and vacuum but I would suggest having him work alongside you in the beginning. Slowly you can shift it to him doing it himself. In time he needs to learn to do all the chores you do as an adult so he can care for himself. Might as well begin now! We have SS clean the kitchen every day and take care of his own laundry and room. He helps when I clean house, does the bathroom or vacuuming, and when I do the shopping. I found making a chore chart that shows how everyone is contributing helped SS see we were working hard too. When he complains and asks why he has to do chores you can tell him that 1. He's part of a family and families work together 2. That you are training him to be an adult one day and he will need to know how to take care of himself.

when my SS would ask for TV or something I would ask "Are your important things done?" Every single time. He knows this means his chores, reading, homework etc.., are finished first. Play time comes after important things and now he doesn't ask unless they are all done. 

justmakingthebest's picture

Yes, start small and grow. I was a single mom with a 2 and 3 yr old and worked full time. We all cleaned and picked up together. At 2 they can take a bathroom trash and dump it in the big kitchen trash. By 3 clearing their own plate and bringing it to the kitchen is expected. By 4 they can help dust (swiffer dusters are great), it isn't usually a good job, but they learn. 

Kids are smart. They like to make parents proud! Your SS will probably thrive after some instruction!