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I don’t want our family life suspended to SS every wants & needs

Caroline2b1211's picture

Since the day BM decided that SS is old and mature enough to take his own decisions i'm worried about the future.

As BM didn't reply last DH message yet, and because DH doesn't have any plans except seeing a lawyer next week, i'm wondering. 
I'm thinking about the worst situation : BM keeps sending SS when HE wants. Because i'm not sure she will cut ties with DH, just because of how jealous she is, and how funny it will be for her to send SS when she knows we don't have options. Just to say DH how a bad parent he is. 

What will look likes my family live if it's SS who decides if he wants and when he wants to come at last minute ?
We are working, only 5 weeks/years of vacations and have a toddler. We need to make planning, for example for my DS kindergarden we need to book the days off mant months before ! And for SS center activity it's the same, if he decides to come when we work, we have no option except letting him go there, BUT we need to book the days weeks before. 

What about our family organisation ? 

I have an idea to try to put an order in all this mess. What about sending SS invitations ? 
For example: we decide in advance which weeks or weekends of the year we could take him without complication (no bookings needed) and which of them will be more convenient.

Then, for example 2 weeks before the period, we suggest him the idea and ask if he wants to come. If yes = ok it's fine we are available. If no = it will be holidays for me. 

That way, we will play BM game of "SS decides and knows what's best for him", and maybe DH could continue seeing his son. 
If SS is ok, it's great, and if not, when he will be an adultd, he won't be able to say "my father gave up on me"  but only "i decided not seeing my father anymore because it was more convenient for me"

What thinking of this idea ? 



Survivingstephell's picture

Why share anything with BM or SS at all? It just gives BM a chance to ruin it.   Stick to the CO and plan stuff on his time.  Other times you just do you.  

notarelative's picture

 DH doesn't have any plans except seeing a lawyer next week...

Seeing a lawyer! Yeah!  DH needs some clarity on what to do, what he can legally do.

You are absolutely correct that a visit whenever SS wants is not sustainable. Your life cannot/ should not revolve around BM's and his whims. Otherwise SS will only visit when BM needs a sitter. And you'll get little notice. 

hregal2011's picture

We ended up telling SD when she was allowed over (Fri-sun) and informed her that she cannot just come over 'whenever' and we need a days notice first.  It isn't to be mean but more organized. We have 3 other kids that are involved with sports and activities and can't sit around waiting.  

Caroline2b1211's picture

That's what i was thinking ! 

To set up some weeks and week-ends, where we will be able to welcome him even if it's last minute. But out of those specific period, it will be IF it won't change our plans of if it's not too difficult to adapt them

TrueNorth77's picture

I would want even more structure than just inviting SS. If you are meeting with a lawyer, look at getting a CO. Decide what will work (every other weekend? 8 days a month split into two 4-day weekends?) It will make life sooo much easier. Everyone has structure. Then stick to it!

Caroline2b1211's picture

Thank you for your comment

I would love to ! And DH will be so relief.

However, we need to see what the lawyer says. Because as i said in previous post, i'm not sure a court order will be useful. 

ESMOD's picture

No.. you do not put the power in the hands of a child... you don't invite a child to be in your life.. 

I understand your husband is seeking legal advice.. and that is very important.  The best course of action is to get a formal order of custody and support for his biological child.  THEN stick to it.  

The child doesn't get to decline visitation.. certainly not at 10 years old.  Perhaps as an older teen it may be worth discussing accomodations to allow for an older teens work, school or social commitments.. but at 10?  nope.  Of course it's "scary" and uncomfortable to leave his regular home and go visiting.. but there is no reason he won't get used to the new place shortly and continue to bond with his father... and actually enjoy his time with his dad.

Because every time he is allowed to decline.. it gets harder and harder to go doesn't it?  He will never feel "more" ready than he does now...and certainly, it sounds like you have a nice amount of things planned for his visit.. it should be very enjoyable.. and yes.. he  may get homesick.. but it's important for dad to have a bond too.

So, definitely encourage your husband to seek formal order so that the fight is done.. I hope he has kept track of the money and time he has had into this.. so that he can show that he has had continued interest in being in his son's life... and wants that to be officially continued.