College Orientation
How would you all feel if your SO was going to his daughter's college orientation and was picking up and driving BM? The reason, so BM doesn't have to pay for parking and put the miles on her car. Mind you the college is less than 15 miles from home and parking might be $10-$15.
Today is SD's college orientation and I found out last night that DH was picking up BM from her house and taking her with him. It makes me uncomfortable. DH doesn't understand why. I trust he's not cheating on me but I don't trust BM's mouth & what she's going to say to him. I can hear it now when he comes home, BM says we owe her for this, BM is upset we stopped sending her the health insurance money, BM wants us to pay this or that. BM will basically blame me for everything that is "wrong" and try to nikel and dime DH.
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Let DH know that you don't
Let DH know that you don't want to hear about what BM says. If that's your only worry then let him deal with it.
But it will ultimately affect
But it will ultimately affect me as DH & I have joint checking/savings account so it will be more like how much WE owe BM.
So he can't think for himself
So he can't think for himself, he'd just agree to whatever she says?
I would not drive my ex, and i could not imagine my DH driving
his ex. But i would not complain about every 15 he spends. Every spouse should have some money they get to spend without explaining it
I'm not complaing about the
I'm not complaing about the $15. I could careless, I'd rather him spend the $15 on parking than to drive her. He is driving HER so that SHE doesn't have to pay the parking.
Oh hell no!!! I'm telling
Oh hell no!!! I'm telling you, as the graduation approaches with kids these bm's go into panic overdrive about wanting to stay relevant....bm amped it up a shi* ton..
Your dh has lost his mind, they are divorced, the kid is how old now? If BM wants to go she drives herself and pays the fee. No way in hell should he be at this point of divorce/age of kid having blurred boundaries like that. Kindly remind him what they are (or not so kindly). Ridiculous!
And NO he doesn't pay the fee for parking for her either-she's a grown as*, time to act like one.
He’s driving her because it’s
He’s driving her because it’s a major life event for a joint child and it’s easier for them to go together. They will be together the whole time they are there so anything she’d say in the car she’d say the second they met up. It’s a minor act of decency for the sake of the child.
If you have such an issue about what she will say to him and you’re that worried he’d give her any money then look into your relationship and your joint bank account.
No, it's easier for HER (BM)
No, it's easier for HER (BM) to go with him. And if she's high conflict there is no reason to do her a favor. Yes they might have to be together, but they'll be among people and their kid at the orientation, where BM would hopefully not make a scene and demand money. Giving her a ride is also giving her a forum for nonsense like that. She can meet him there, she's an adult and that is what adults do.
And a "minor act of decency for the sake of the child" (who is NOT a "child" BTW) is horseshit.
I do not say child in terms
I do not say child in terms of age. I say child meaning their joint offspring. You're having a issue about him doing her a favor and that she might say crap to him. What's it to you? You're not in the car. You're not dealing with her.
He's a big boy. If he wants to do this for her then so what? It's not like he's handing her a blank check or in any way making it seem like they are getting back together.
Your behavior is petty. You're being territorial and possessive. This isn't up to you. Your partner has decided to do it. He's taking it on himself at no cost to you. Again YOU aren't going to be there. YOU aren't doing it. If he can't handle her whining about money and tell her no then that's a different issue. If you are so insecure that her saying crap about you to your partner is an issue then that's a different issue. It's a short ride and parking together for an even they will both be at for their joint child.
I've been through the college thing. Parking and find each other on a large campus is not easy. They are playing happy family. They are being parents who are supporting their child. Are you expecting them to keep a ten foot rule the whole time? Do you really think she's not going to talk crap when there's down time? Or do you really think they will be so busy that she won't get him alone for a moment?
Again tell him you don't want to hear it. That you don't think he should feel the need to do this for her but if he wants to he knows how she is so he's going to have to deal with it. You don't want him dumping it on you.
You're being incredibly
You're being incredibly stupid and obtuse and obviously don't understand the importance of proper marital boundaries.
I don’t understand the need
I don’t understand the need to control my partner when I trust them. If your marriage is so unsteady that you can’t have the other parent in your car reevaluate.
I HATE BM. I don’t trust her one bit but I don’t feel the need to control my partners contact with her. I trust him %100. Having a kid with someone means there will be times you’re in contact with them. Of course if you’re worried about physical assault or that she will file a false police report that’s different. In this case the only issue is that BM will run her mouth and dad is daring to extend a kindness.
Tell me how this impacts OP? OP trust her partner and she’s not going to be there so what does BM running her mouth and being in the car really do to her? Its possessiveness and control. I don’t like her so YOU can’t be nice.
Let me remind you that BM in our case has done HORRIBLE things but this isn’t a case that I’d try to control my SO’s actions. In the end that’s what matters. This has NOTHING to do with OP. It’s her partner who will be doing it. So does she trust him or not? Does she think he’s a big boy who can make his own choices or does she feel the need to control him and if so what? Does she think it’s protecting him from BM saying crap?
If there are other issues they need to be handled but a car ride together isn’t an issue.
LOL love it-typical response
LOL love it-typical response that is has to do with jealousy- when it's about boundaries. People aren't wrong to have boundaries about hanging w/the opposite sex, especially someone who you were married/sexually involved with at some point. Especially if they have been a pain in your side or devalued/ignored you.
" In this case the only issue is that BM will run her mouth and dad is daring to extend a kindness" This is a might big assumption. She has every right to ask HER HUSBAND to not drive an unrelated female to an event- especially if said female has given her hell-call it control, call it whatever you want- there is NO REASON this bm needs him to drive/park her there other then HER trying to control him...so if it's petty or tit for tat I don't give a damn-she's not winning that battle. ANd I would remind my dh whose loyalty side he should chose quickly.
She is bothered by it-that alone is enough for him NOT to do it. It's a reasonable request in divorced world. You're trying to guilt her as the bad, insecure, screetchy wife- SHAME ON YOU.
She is bothered by it is NOT
She is bothered by it is NOT enough alone to dictate her partner’s actions and is a slippery slope. You set up a distinction between genders to which proves the issue you have deals with possible infidelity. If the issue was simply someone talking crap then it should extend to ANY person of ANY gender and ANY relationship. In this case BM ISN’T an unrelated female. She is the offspring’s mother. That is her relation to biodad and why HE MUST have some sort of interaction with her.
Now that interaction does not mean he HAS to extend this courtesy to her but it is up to him on how he maintains his relationships with others. OP has every right to express her feelings but bio-dad has every right to consider them and go forth as he sees fit. “I don’t like it” is NOT enough or a valid reason by itself. OP SHOULD express herself and bio-dad SHOULD respect her but that doesn’t always mean doing what your partner wants.
I’m not trying to shame her for being bothered. My issue is the idea that “I don’t like it” should be enough on its own to remove someone else’s choice.
I’ve been through college orientation and every extra part is another annoyance to deal with. Two people going in two cars for the same person is an extra hurdle that it seems bio-dad doesn’t feel the need to enforce. OP isn’t going. She isn’t going to be around BM so it’s up to bio-dad if he wants to deal with BM’s crap.
The only fault here is that BM runs her mouth and says stupid crap. Guess what, that’s life. Bio-dad isn’t going to change his view on OP by what BM says. If he would then there are deeper issues but Bio-dad might have issues with OP DEMANDING he do something only because she doesn’t like it. There is no justification to pull the “because I don’t like it” card. Save it for something serious. If you’re constantly dictating your partners actions eventually you do look over possessive and controlling.
I agree with you,
I agree with you, dontfeedthetrolls. It seems jealous to me, and not the partner's call on what he does with his ex. If he's going to open his wallet and hand BM money just because he's alone with her, then they have bigger issues.
My Dh's best friend is a woman. I have no issue with that, because I'm not insecure or afraid he will cheat. They go to dinner and movies, and she even spent the night at our house once. She's been a huge support to him since before I was in the picture and I feel no need to pee on my territory when it comes to her.
Tell him to give her $40 -
Tell him to give her $40 - that will cover parking, gas and lunch at McDonalds. If it's really that big of a deal for her to drive herself, I would happily hand over a little cash to smoosh that right on down.
Also-- Is there a reason you aren't going? That might be another way to nix this. BM certainly won't want to go in the same car if you are there.
So, while he out on his joy
So, while he out on his joy ride with mom, go to the bank and open a separate account.
Stop depositing money into the joint account. That way his choices will have zero impact on you.
And to you THIS drastic
And to you THIS drastic measure makes more sense then her communicating to him and ask him to honor her feelings on the matter? OOOOKEYYYY- quite dysfunctional thinking...not surprising.
Yes, but No
Tell him to not take her. I would argue that she needs to go independantly of him. Let him blame you if he wants to (my DH does, seems to work so far). I would NOT like that at all.
Biotch can get there on her own steam.
Ugh. Im not looking forward to the day when munchkin starts her college stuff.
I don't mind him going there
I don't mind him going there and meeting her there, I just don't like that fact that he's picking her up and taking her there. I know she's cheap, I mean she's the one that complained that we short changed her $2.08/month on the health insurance premiums but seriously she can't cough up the money to pay to park? And if your so worried about your miles don't lease!
I drove myself to BD19
I drove myself to BD19 college orientation. Parents received a voucher for parking. I wouldn't have even considered riding with her father. Good grief.
I believe they got one
I believe they got one voucher for parking. I would have rather had him give her the voucher and he pay for parking.
That's a nice compromise
On cost and driving.
For that short a distance
BM could drive herself or borrow a car.
My DS and OSS are going farther away to college. DH made some sort of nervous statement about how I was getting to DSs college for move-in. It didn't dawn on me until then that he'd be uncomfortable with me and XH driving together. We aren't, XH is weird about it, too.
On the other hand, if BM and DH drove up together to OSSs school for move-in, I wouldn't have a problem with it. If they went together for things other than move-in and graduation, I may start to question it. Given how uncomfortable DH was about my drive, I doubt he'd have BM with him.
And, frankly, if I had to choose someone to drive with, I'd choose XHs GF.
I'm with your DH it just
I'm with your DH it just makes me uncomfortable. DH complains about her and her antics yet he's ok with spending the entire day with her including picking her up and driving her home? And I wouldn't be upset if they met at the college and spent the day down there together. But for some reason the whole fact of him picking her up and driving her makes me uncomfortable.
I’d just laugh, because DH
I’d just laugh, because DH would never agree to this. Hell would freeze & pigs fly before he’d go out of his way to save her the mileage & $15. Why can’t she drive herself? I get this isn’t a big deal, but seriously... why can’t she drive herself?
I really don't know. B/c it
I really don't know. B/c it's just BM being BM.
Sounds like it's just DH
Sounds like it's just DH being a pushover.
I agree...he's being a
I agree...he's being a pushover....so let him be rather pushed over by you helping him get his boundaries line straightened up.
I would not be happy about it
I would not be happy about it, I would advise against it, but if he is stupid eough to do it then my husband deserves the day he gets spending with her. I know he would come home regretting his decision.
I think it's weird and over
I think it's weird and over-the-top that both her parents are going to orientation with her.
And my DH would never agree to drive bm for those pitiful reasons.
My DH would rather walk naked
My DH would rather walk naked and bleeding through a blizzard with rapid wolves on his heels than allow BioHo to taint the inside of his vehicle.
If BM doesn't want to pay for parking, she can call Uber or a taxi.
For God's sake, he should not
For God's sake, he should not be her bitch, anymore. She can drive her own damn self and pay her own damn parking fee.
Whether he drives BM or not..
Whether he drives BM or not.. she can still "say things to him" at the Orientation. That argument is out the window invalid.
But, I don't necessarily agree that he should drive her. It's not like it's a long distance.. and if she is worried about 15 bucks? She has bigger problems than driving a few miles.
The bottom line is that him doing her this favor is likely to provide him with no benefit in the future. BM will still "BM" him. I think he needs to rethink this offer. There is also the matter that YOU are uncomfortable with it. Of course there is always the option of you saying you will go as well.. BM would "love" that..haha.
I mean you are right she can
I mean you are right she can say anything at orientation but I assume they will be with a group of people and busy during the orientation that they won't really get time to sit and talk. The drive there and back gives them all the time in the world to talk one on one.
When SD graduated high school I offered to have a joint graduation party at my house and she declined. I offered to have a joint graduation party at a mutual location and she declined. She didn't want to have a joint party. But yet my husband picking her up and driving her somewhere is ok for her? That tells me that she just doesn't want to be around me and I have done nothing to this woman. She is the one that wanted the divorce and DH & I met well after they were divorced and had already sold their home and moved into their own apartments. I didn't cause the divorce and I was always good to her daughter and she has admitted that she was glad that her daughter had a Stepmom like me.
Well.. then.. you know
Well.. then.. you know exactly how to put an end to this cozy commute. You tell your DH. OH.. I plan on going to orientation too. You might want to let BM know in case she decides to drive herself instead.
I can tell you from
I can tell you from experience there will have plunty of empty time during the orientation.
Let it go
Honestly, once they get into college, does any of this petty crap even matter anymore? Life is too short
Actually, once they get to
Actually, once they get to college and become adults, the BM petty nonsense is supposed to stop. But most try to find a way to interject themselves into their exe's lives because they can't stand not being relavant.
Yes, and it is up to these
Yes, and it is up to these men to say, "No more."
My DH has not spoken to BM since SD was 18 and got married, thus emancipating her. I take that back, BM called once when SD was about 21 and DH told her, "I have nothing to say to you." Click. He had warned BM years before that once SD was of age, he would have nothing to do with her (BM), anymore. He hasn't and he doesn't.
BM found out that that "forever bond" that she thought she had with DH doesn't exist. It never did, it was never about her.
This is true, they go into
This is true, they go into panic mode when kids hit 18 in desperation to stay relevant and 'tied to' the father. Our bm pulled all kinds of shitty things during SD's graduation...I let it slide- and also didn't go to the lunch or graduation because of it.
She was busy sending pictures, directions, instructions (all of which DH has received in a letter anyways as he's custodial on paper, SD lives with my MIL)- pictures of the cake, texts asking them to come sit w/the during the cermony (dh and family didn't)- I told him if we get one more text from her after this ordeal he is blocking the phone or I will-there is zero reason for her to ever communicate with him anymore. DH and SD have had an individual relationship for years now and she's NOT needed or wanted.
What this bm is doign is plain as day- a last attempt to power play and stay relevant/important and rub your nose in it and ensure she can still control her ex. I'd squash that and take the wind right out of those sails. WIFE's feelings matter more, period.
Just say NO
NO riding with BF or the EX in the same car. Let BM figure it out by a herself
Capp~I don't see how your H
Capp~I don't see how your H even agreed to this. This shouldn't have been a thought for your H. The reply should have been NO and allow BM to find whatever means necessary to make the college orientation. You told him you're not comfortable with this arrangement so why is he going to still do it anyway?
This would be a H@LL No for me.
So Capp, what ended up
So Capp, what ended up happening? I'm assuming this was all yesterday as I re-read your blog?
Yes, he attended the
Yes, he attended the orientation, he drove her. I told him after the fact "I don't want to argue with you but I would have rather you gave her the voucher for parking and you paid the to park so I didn't have to feel uncomfortable all day". He responded back "I'm not going to argue either, you are right, I wish I would have paid the $20 to park as well so I didn't have to drive her. I think both SD & I would likely agree we wish she wasn't even there to begin with." So by him driving her he had to hear her bitch and moan the entire time about everything. Maybe lesson learned.
DH's parents are divorced and usually on certain holidays for example Father's day he will invite his dad to our house for dinner but not his mom & his stepdad. Why? B/c dad and stpedad are uncomfortable around each other. His parents have been divorced for 40 years but yet dad and stepdad are still uncomfortable around each other. Just like I'm uncomfortable with BM. I'm not jealous of her, I have nothing to be jealous about, we're just not comfortable with each other. Can we be civil when we need to be? Absolutely. Did I care that they were both going to the orientation? Nope. I was just not comfortable with him picking her up and taking her.
you are right, I wish I would
you are right, I wish I would have paid the $20 to park as well so I didn't have to drive her.
Well, he didn't have to drive her and I still don't really understand why he did. Just because she wanted him to?
Next time, he can tell her to get a date if she wants someone to drive and pay.
Lie
Lie
He only said it was miserable to get you to stop bitching about it.
College orientations are
College orientations are super boring so I honestly wouldn't care if DH drove BM to one. Have fun, glad I ain't goin. But DH knows that there is no way I'm going to be waiting home for him with a warm body and dinner if he runs off with BM and/or her family. Something that will help you is taking "WE" out of your vocab when it comes to dealing with BM. That is your husbands business to deal with. I completely out of anything dealing with DH and BM by my choice. I could care less what's going on in her life. If DH wants to tag along with her and pick up the tab, go for it honey. Just don't expect little wifey to be at the door for the Oh so prized DH hand off.