Manipulating step daughter
So this is my first time posting, and I could sure use some advice. PLEASE HELP!
I have been with my husband for 7 years. We started dating when his daughter had just turned 3. To spare all of the gory details, lets just say that I never thought I could dislike someone and much as I do the BM. My SD is now 10 yrs old and is just getting worse as she gets older. Of course through the years she has played her parents against one another, and I figured it was just a phase, but I have had ENOUGH! She will confide in me, and tell me how much she can't stand her mom, she lies (which she does), always talks bad about me and my husband, and she says "I love my mom, I just can't stand her!" Which trust me, I knew this day was coming because her mother is a piece of work! Anyway, she has always confided in me, her and I have more of a mother/daughter relationship and her and her mother have more of a "friendship". My husband and I are more stable and financially sound than her mother, so we are always expected to do everything. Well, we just got back from a week long vacation (which we took my SD as we always do) and the next day my husband gets a phone call from BM claiming that my SD said I was talking about BM. This happens ALL OF THE TIME! We have joint legal and physical custody, so my SD is with us a lot. My husband LOST IT! Thankfully he gets just as pissed off as I do. He said that he is "done always trying to be the nice guy just to get slapped in the face". We also have two kids of our own and we bend over backwards to make my SD feel "united" in the family. All she does is come to us, complain about her mom, go to her mom's, complain about us..she thinks the entire world is centered around her. She is very selfish and is always worrying what are we gonna do fun this week, or if we are talking about making plans she always says "where am I gonna be? here or at my moms?" I could go ON AND ON about different things, but I am just DONE! I do not care to be involved even though I see no way around it and my husband is at his whits end! He said to me the other day "I love my daughter, I just can't stand her anymore" What do we do?? Trust me, trying to work it out with the BM is NOT POSSIBLE. She is crazy and the last conversation I had with her she ripped open my car door, tried to get me out of my car to fight me, yea, she's a real winner. My husband and I just don't know what to do anymore. Punish my SD? We have a planned trip to Hershey Park next month and my husband mentioned that he doesn't know if he even wants to bring his daughter, it would be more stressful than it's worth. HELP! 
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You may not like my
You may not like my advice...stop letting the SD talk bad about the BM. If she said her mom is a loser and you say nothing and don't make her stop, she is going to look at it like YOU totally agree with her. I would see it that way too.
My advice is to tell SD there will be NO more complaining about BM at your house. And she needs to know that you all see what she is doing and she needs to stop it NOW. That is the only way to stop this.
My SD, also 10, is the same
My SD, also 10, is the same way. Her latest manipulation was over BM being pregnant again. She has had 3 babies by 2 different men since divorcing DH five years ago so SD came home recently complaining about how she told her mom to get "fixed" and made her promise she wouldnt have any more kids. She told us that it was bothersome to her that BM kept having all these babies but we found out soon after that it was all a lie when I came across one of SD's emails to BM. She was gushing with BM about how excited she was that a new baby was on the way, etc.
We sat down and asked her why she tells BM one this and us another. She didnt really have much of an excuse so DH and I have decided that we are no longer going to play into her stories about BM. We decided that we are going to listen to her but we are not going to comment unless the information that she gives us leads us to believe she is in danger. We also told her that, if she is happy she needs to be happy and not make up lies to make the opposite parent think she is miserable. She has to know that you dont appreciate her lies and that you arent going to support them. As far as her lying to BM, you are pretty much stuck there unless BM will agree not to encourage her, which I doubt.
It feels good to know that I
It feels good to know that I am not alone here. I feel like I have a bulls eye on my back at times! For example, SD was getting ready to go home with BM and she almost forgot her shoes, so I said "don't forget to take your shoes home" and she said "oh, yea, you know how my mom gets!" and I said "yea, I know how she can be" (which I probably shouldn't have said) However, later on, we get a phone call from BM about my comment..like, what the?? These are the DAILY things we deal with, and BM is SO petty, we get phonecalls about everything!
Sounds like you need a break,
Sounds like you need a break, and I bet your biologic kids do too. I think you should go to Hershey and have a great time...without SD for once. Talk to SD and be honest about the toll her lying and manipulations are having. Explain that no one can control BM, but SD can control herself and her behavior and there are rules to follow in your house and consequences if she doesn't. Point out to her how you all care for her and have always included her. I think she is old enough to start appreciating this and stop being so selfish. Let her understand why she isn't going to Hershey. Maybe she will shape up and you can include her next time as a reward.
When they do this, just nod
When they do this, just nod and don't give any feedback. We say nothing when they talk about the other household. We just let them keep talking. We get most of our information this way.
When she comes to me, that is
When she comes to me, that is exactly what I do! I just listen and listen. Last week she slipped up and told me that she found her mom's "weed" in the dresser drawer..why she would know what that is is beyond me. So, we are debating whether we want to get custody modified because we have loads of information to request a modification. However, the sad part is that neither my husband or I know whether having her full time would be a good idea. I hate to feel this way but she comes with a lot of stressful baggage and we are not sure if having her full time would be beneficial to our family. A part of me wants to be removed from the situation completely, but not sure how I could accomplish that...