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Should BM, me, and DH all have a meeting?

bribaby1105's picture

Let me give a brief (as brief as I can) history. A little over 2 months ago I went to pick up my SD10 as I always do. Well, usually I call her and let her know I am out front. This particular day BM comes out and voices her "concerns". For example, SD10 had a picninc at school and needed a packed lunch (she usually buys). She informed me of this as we were literally walking out of the front door to go to school. She said that she wasn't sure if she really needed it and she was gonna call BM. Well, BM didn't know either and called the school. BM called back and told SD10 that yes she needed a lunch and that she would bring her a sandwich to school. SD10 said to me "don't worry about it, my mom said she will bring me a lunch" (BM lives 5 min from school) Fast forward to when I picked her up and BM comes out with her concern over me not sending SD10 to school with a lunch!! She said "why didn't you send her with a lunch? It is not my responsibility to bring her a lunch when she is with you!" I simply said "SD10 told me that you were going to bring her an italian cold cut for her picnic and I didn't think it would cause this much of a problem" (BM does NOT work and gets food stamps) She claimed that SD10 felt uncomfortable asking me for a lunch..WHAT?!?! I have been around this child since she was 3 and she has NEVER been "uncomfortable" about anything! Granted, when SD10 is with us, I agree it is our responsibility, however, if she didn't want to bring her a lunch, all she had to say was that yes, SD10 needed a lunch and I would have made sure she had one. Don't offer to do it and then complain about it later.

The argument escalated as we got on the subject of SD10's dance class. My DH and I pay for dance. BM does NOTHING! Literally, she didn't help with ANY fundraising, transportation, didn't contribute to her monthly tuition or her costumes, hell, she didn't even attend the FREE dress rehearsal. Anyway, she was supposed to purchase tickets for the recital for herself and her family. They were $15 each. I made BM well aware of this MONTHS in advance. Well, the last day to purchase tickets comes around and she claims she has no money and can't buy the tickets. We were NOT paying for them (BM does get child support weekly even tho we have 50/50 custody) Moving this point BM and her family were not going to be able to attend the recital since they didn't purchase tickets in time..I dug deep and realized that I couldn't let BM miss SD10's recital because SD10 would be DEVASTATED! I spoke with the director and asked her to make an exception and even paid for the tickets in advance! So, as our argument progressed I had said "if it wasn't for me you wouldn't even be going to her recital! You should have made those tickets a priority, it means a lot to SD10 that you be there!" She was basically yelling back at me (I am in my car, she is standing outside) and PULLED OPEN MY DOOR! Then she starts yelling for me to get out of the car! (a bystander even said "hey! what are you doing?" to BM) Anyway..she wouldn't release SD10 to me at this point and summing it up, I left. BM dropped SD10 off later that evening...

So, now BM has mentioned how we should all sit down and "talk" (her and I haven't spoken since, over 2 months now..) I do agree that we all need to communicate but my DH feels there is no point because she ALWAYS turns things into an argument (true) and she never listens..she always thinks she's right. So, any ideas or advice? Sorry so long...just wanted to paint a picture.. thanks!


now4teens's picture

Do not do it!

In fact, it sounds like you are already having WAY too much communication with an unstable BM. And there's no need to.

She's not your problem- she's your DH's. After all, you didn't sleep with her and and a kid with her- he did! Now let HIM deal with the MESS (that is, BM).

I have been with DH for over 7 years (we just celebrated our 6 Wedding Anniversary this week). DH has an incredibly mentally unstable ex. And in those 7 years (and early on, as I have learned), I have only had about 5 "conversations" with her that I can count.

And that was probably 5 too many!

Let your DH handle all things BM related. Trust me, you will save your sanity this way!

zenjetset's picture

"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"

LOL I love this!!!

glynne's picture

Now4teens is right

Let your DH handle it. And if he decides against meeting with her - so be it. Sometimes these meetings just give the opportunity for another drama scene.

I'd steer clear.

zenjetset's picture

BM on this side has asked for a "sit down" everytime she feels she has been wronged. Stating that "I want to work with you" but she really doesn't, because it doesn't take "a meeting" to work with someone or in this case (me & dh) it takes common sense of which she does not have and so we are not interested in meeting or discussing her screwed up perspective of how things should be. Mainly because typically all conversations (one on one conversations) have lead to her bad mouthing dh or when she is talking to dh bad mouthing me. She doesn't take a look in the mirror and realize she is the cause of majority of the issues. I will not sit down to any meeting with her and agree dh should be communicating with bm as needed. I know bm has burned her bridge to the ground with me. I was a mediator and things were working out, until bm & biograndmother took liberties with me. By leaving voice message and text messages that were extremely insulting and predjudice! can clearly hear the sd in the background! Nice adult behavior!!! Such foolish, they don't ever think about their negative impact on those kids! So no, I won't sit down over coffee or anything. Kiss my tiara!

Persephone's picture

We have had two meetings with BM each time it was her wanting to control our home environment and us. she was less caustic becasue called the meetings. We'd set terms and follow up with take-aways in email.. then any conflict we forwarded the email as back up.

BM & I had a meeting. I set my boundaries and she hers, it was a changing point in our relations.

bribaby1105's picture

Honestly, I do think if she were rational that a meeting would be good. We are dealing with my SD10 who is trying to play each house against the other. If we were all able to express our concerns and present ourselves as a united front then SD10 wouldn't feel as if she would be able to cause "friction" between houses. The problem is that BM is not very rational, although before the big fight she did seem to understand a FRACTION of where I am coming from. BM and I have had a roller coaster relationship where at some times we communicated very well (I am good at biting my tongue and picking my battlers also) I guess I feel that since we have a minimum of 8 more years to go that we should all try to get along as opposed to always fighting. Plus, my SD10 knows about the fight (BM told her, IDIOT I know!) and she feels the friction between all of us. We have never had a sit down before, so a part of me wants to at least give it a try...we'll see I guess..