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Overstepping Boundaries

Bonus Wife's picture

My DH is a wonderful, loving man to my daughter, 15. He's also wonderful to his Biological Kids. 18, 19, 22 who do not live with us....However, we have issues that I don't know how to resolve or get past. The main one is he oversteps his boundaries with my daughter.
1) he has read her diary WITHOUT my knowledge. then when he saw something not so good, he told me to read it and take care of it.
2) he withholds affection from her if she texts a boy he doesn't approve of
3) he checks her phone records every day practically and
blocks boys from texting her WITHOUT telling/asking me first. When I confronted him if he did, he lied to me because he knew I'd get furious.
4) he caters to my daughters every single need whether I approve or not....gets her breakfast every week even before she wakes up. Lets her watch R movies w/ him I did not approve, etc.
5) undermines me by saying to her, You know I would let you, but your mother won't."
6)I wanted to take him out to celebrate his birthday alone, but he refused unless my daughter went too...(I was having a kids party with ALL the kids the next day but that wasn't good enough.)
7)He used to text her constantly, like he's some 15 yr old boy who has a crush on her...while she was at school taking a test to tell her good luck, while she was at her dads house to see if she was bored, blah blah....but now it stopped...he only texts her once in a while. I do NOT want him texting her at all...there's no reason for it.
Dirol he acts jealous of her boyfriends
9) he asked her if she was a virgin....I LOST MY's not his business...
10) if she is upset, he tries to handle it without letting me know first.
11) if i walk in on a coconversation they are having and interject my opinion, i am told, "do you mind? we are talking"
12) If i let her do something he doesn't approve of, he makes me feel like I am dong the Wrong thing...

He has become her therapist, friend, mentor to her...etc...I used to have a great relationship with her and after his being here 4's deteriorated....They are best buddies. My relationship with him sucks...They have a connection...we do not.

On the other hand, he again has a good relationship with his kids...and I am a non-entity stepmom.

All I know is I became a mom so I could be the mom...he is trying to take my place in my daughter's life and I'm at a loss of how to manage this man's behavior.

has anyone had this happen...I try to be grateful he loves my daughter so much..but it's just tooooo much.


Bonus Wife's picture

I hope I am not in denial or have blinders on.... he thinks he's this way because he had no hand in raising his own kids since he was divorced....his oldest turned to drugs so he is paranoid...I am bringing these matters to a counselor.
Thank you for your observation.

PS He also brought his own son (18) on a vacation with us to Grand Canyon when i begged him not to since it was a gift for our "wedding" from his sister...didn't make any sense why we had to take him. He just LOVES being around the kids...I'm beside myself.

zenjetset's picture

I have to agree with dorothyparkerwannabe...I'm so sorry that you even have to think that this could be a possiblity. **hugs**

I think you should discuss this with a counselor and get their professional opinion.

Also, sounds like he is not "listening" to what "you need". He needs to respect and acknowledge YOUR feelings. Sounds like he is not really honoring your desires and needs to be "a couple".

I wish you the best.

overit2's picture

Ummm, yeah sorry...this has trouble and molestation written all over it. NO WAY IN HELL if I had a daughter and a man acting that way with her I'd stick around. EVEN if it's innocent-very, very innapropiate and out of line. I got shivers just reading it!

iwishyouwould's picture

OK... Time to pack up your kid, pack your bags and GO. Dont give a forwarding address. Change your phone numbers (and your daughter's) and move to a different school district. Then, once you are HIDDEN from this dude, put that kid in counseling.... you just described a pedophile, to the T. You need to get your kid the hell outta there right NOW. Have you ever checked this dudes record? Try or an offenders registry.

Bonus Wife's picture

oh my god...I can't even comprehend something like that but I will do something immediately. Thank you for everyone's complete gut reaction.

SammyJo58's picture

OMG Bonus Wife, I am SO glad you are listening to everyone here. That was my gut reaction too....this is NOT normal or natural. Something is VERY wrong. I am afraid for your daughter.

jj1072's picture

what you have described is not the relationship that a Bio dad would have with his daughter. I would get my family away from him your family doctor for referrals. Be smart!!! I have a 17yr old daughter and if her SD EVER acted that way we would be gone in a heartbeat. You must protect your daughter.

Take care...