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Manipulative SD

BlendedisTough's picture

My SD and DH had a falling out 7 months ago and SD moved out. On her way out she said some really nasty things about her dad, threatened to call the police (for items she left behind and wanted) and stuck us with a car payment once she procured a new vehicle. She refused to speak to DH for 6 months. During that time her and her BM posted disparaging memes on FB about DH and she posted pictures with DH 2nd wife's kids (who she supposedly hated and had bragged she broke DH and wife #2 up). On her 21st bday I encourged DH to post a "happy birthday" message to her. After that they reconnected for lunch and made amends.

The problem is now she's CONSTANTLY around, calling or texting. She went 6 months on her own and now if she can't find her health insurance card she's blowing up DH's phone, she asks his opinion about everything and can't seem to make a decision without him. At first SD was at our house everyday, just popping in and eating our food, then off again. Its so disruptive and our quiet life had become her chaotic playground. Then it stopped and she recently began inviting him places without extending an invitation to me. I really haven't wanted to go (that's their time) but I did think it was rude she seemed to be purposely excluding me. Of course, I've encouraged him to go everytime. The last excursion was fathers day.

I'm not sure what was said but DH came back irritated. When I asked how things went, he got angry and accused me of being jealous of SD. Then he said I was a "dictator" and he could have whomever he wanted at our house with or without my approval. To be clear, I never said SD couldn't come over.... she did for awhile, then she just stopped...... but I had expressed to DH that she was spending ALOT of time over. DH said SD felt "uncomfortable" around me and that it was obvious to her that I didn't like her. (It's not that I don't like her - I don't trust her or her intentions. I can't just get over the nastiness she caused 7 months ago and open my arms to her as DH has done.) Regardless, I've been kind and polite to her everytime she's been around the last month. Anything I said was exclusively to DH.

DH just left again with SD to go on their 3rd fathers day event. I'm cringing to think how she will manipulate him this time and what absurdity I will have to defend when he gets back. I guess I should have never pushed him to say happy brithday....... No good deed goes unpunished. Hopefully, she isn't trying to break us up. 


CLove's picture

Seems that SD has a lot of control over your DH. Are you sure shes not trying for her 2nd marrriage break up to add to her list? Time for some discussion with your DH to "head things off at the pass". 

I would definitely not trust her. She has shown her true colors - I believe her. You should too. If she is launching an anti SM campaigne against you, you must protect yourself.

BlendedisTough's picture

Yes I absolutely think she's launching an anti-SM campaign and looking to annihilate SM#2 (me!). She appears to want DH all to herself and is trying to drive a wedge between us. I tried to talk with him about what I see happening but all he says is "that's my daughter" and "I guess she's (SD) right, you don't like her". I feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. The ONLY saving grace is she's not living with us anymore. So I don't have to interact with her directly much anymore. However, the crap she puts in DH head (that I'm jealous of their relationship and that I don't like her) is hard to defend against and "head things off at the pass" when it comes out sounding exactly like she's saying.  

CLove's picture

Sounds like your "D" H is gaslighting you. He might realize whats going on (ex SM#1) - Do you know the details as to how SD thinks she broke his previous marriage up? If he starts saying "SM2 you are just like SM1" then you know whats going on there. 

I guess your only choices are to research "mini-wife" syndrom and go to marriage counseling,

or stay put and shut up, be a doormat so that anytime SD wants to abuse you, you are ready and wating with bells on. That includes allowing "d" h to be treated like a doormat that he seems to want to be, and stay anxious about what garbage she is saying about you....

OR you could disengage with SD altogether. Just state that since its obvious you dont trust her/like her or whatever, that she doesnt need to enter into conversations at all, he can have his relationship with her somwhere else thats not at your home, and if he doesnt like it then lawyer up.

Mini-wives are one of the hardest situations to deal with because the DH's dont want to "break up" with their daughters. They put them above their mates. They are controlled by them and are happy to be controlled. It sucks. Its a power struggle that cannot be won unless your DH is on board with changing how he deals with her.

BlendedisTough's picture

I'm not a doormat and can't become one. If I have to leave I will, but I really hope it doesn't come to that. I wish DH would WAKE UP and see how manipulative his daughter is! 

All I know about SM#1 is that she also "hated" SD and refused to speak to her when DH and her were together. He's often said that his ex ignored his daughter and didn't try to have a relationship with her. They were married 6 years. DH maintains that SD didn't break them up but that they "grew apart". 

Its disheartening to hear the gaslighting and mini-wife comments because I've actually thought that this was both of those things. Just this morning I told my mom "I can't win here. He won't set any boundaries with his daughter". I don't know where to go from here but I'm not ready to give up hope. 

futurobrillante99's picture

Do the best you can to deflect his accusations and not react to any BS he says. Don't complain about anything she does - she is setting you up to look bad.

If she comes by to eat your food. Stop grocery shopping.

If she's showing up unannounced, make yourself scarce so that only your husband has to deal with her.

If he accuses you of hating her, brush it off and say, "I have no idea what you're talking about. I'm going for a walk."

If he's grumpy, get busy doing something else.

If he pushes it, ask him for SM #1's phone number because you need advice on how SD is going to destroy this marriage, too.

Don't really do that last one, but it's so very tempting.

If you pull away from him and let him feel your absence, giving him no percs of a relationship with you, he will soon miss that and realize that SD is up to no good. It's only because you're part of her triangulation that she can make you the enemy. If you remove yourself from the equation, he'll get tired of her pretty damn quick. Especially if you look completely happy doing your own thing without him.

tog redux's picture

He's very weak-minded, isn't he? One day with her and he's convinced you are the enemy?

I wouldn't give him a lot of chances to treat you that way.

shamds's picture

Fake cried to daddy with crocodile tears how he abandoned them for me and for us to have 2 kids together... thing is they have refused contact for 5+ years and reinitiated contact when me and hubby had been married about 3.5 yrs and already had 2 kids aged 1.5 & 2.5. 

They disappeared and ceased contact and hubby didn’t feel at that point he needed to be playing the waiting game putting his life in hold for them. He moved on... they were too far damaged and alienated by bio mum at that point

they have caused via their own issues to have a troubled relationship with daddy. He is only good for money, favours and pampering. The same sd’s who despise us for existing will however play the stepsisters from heaven crap in front of hubbys family so all attention is on them as such amazing sisters when they are far from it.

my breaking point was when hubby told me sd had told him twice that bio mum said hubby owed her a free home and it must be transferred into skids name only. A home hubby purchased after divorce was finalised and not anything she had a right to. 

So many red flags were happening. It starts with this one thing then another and another... 

i also had hubby making executive decisions during our weekend time for meets out with skids. So called family time except these revolved around us playing chauffeur for 3 + hours and sitting through a tortourous lunch and car ride of them ranting non stop daily life of what stepmum and stepdad did and how stepmum grilled them about us, my 2 kids who were toddlers and sd’s reported everything back and told us stepmum and stepdads comments on everything. This was a total breach of privacy. 

I finally told hubby that as his wife, he doesn’t get to dictate and make executive decisions regarding my time, negate his responsibility as a father to our 2 young kids which was a far higher priority than 2 failed adult skids. If he couldn’t make time for 2 toddlers who needed him then he had no business taking off a whole day to be with such toxic skids... i told hubby he clearly didn’t love or respect me to treat me this way and allow skids to treat me like that.

the result is if we have private plans, they do not change for skids. Hubby doesn’t dare tell me he can do whatever. No you cant! You have a wife and 2 young kids. You wanna do whatever you want then divorce me and become a bachelor for 3 shitty kids who continually abandon and treat you like dog shit. Hubby didn’t want a divorce so he changed big timr. Its not 100% perfect, there are times when guilty disney daddy rears its ugly head and i am brutally honest with the harsh truth and tell him he is being a crappy father and husband and to snap out of it. When he plays innocent victim, i call him out of it!!

skids especially ss has referred to me in a derogatory term to hubby on several occasions and hubby calls him out on it everytime. Compared to psycho exwife, i am a saint so no shitty skid is treating me beneath their bio mum ever to y husband. 

Its hard hun to snap a man out of this behaviour that he has endured for decades to the point he sees it as normal and can’t think or see things rationally

if skids and exwife were gonna play the manipulative game right out of “ narcissistics for dummies”  and “cod for dummies”, then i was gonna play this game better and smarter than them.

i stoped bio mum controlling me via sd’s, i ended any contact or family events that skids would be at, especially sd’s,i told hubby i would not be at any meets and his bitch of an exwife and his 2 bitch sd’s do not ever order me effin around and dictate or tell me how to parent my kids. What i fuc*in say is fuc*in law!!!”

late last year hubby told off his daughter that he would stand by me 100% and that she and her sister were out of kine. The result is no contact for 7+ months..