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I have never felt doubts until now

RisingtheWave80's picture

It’s a long story but it started with DH sharing information on SD. So she has refused to attend the summer program at The Grow School (therapy school) and the school says for BM  to keep bringing her daily and hopefully she will go one of these days but once the official school year starts they would send out an officer to get her. The requirement was that she HAD to attend this summer program to be moved to the 9th grade and if not then she will be in 8th grade again. So he was already frustrated by that then he reads a text from SD, it read something like “Hey Cheater (at one point they had come to the house without coming in and seen my rental car that had NY plates and she thought he had someone else in the house) You know my Thrasher magazines in the locker that your girlfriend pushed into my bed when she called me a cunt, can you bring those to me” (She had baracaded her door the last time she was in our home May 19th when we had to call the cops on her)

Of course, this triggered me 100% and I said, “fuck no she cannot have those, I paid for them I would rather burn them” and DH got really mad saying “You are going to take back a gift?” I was like “You think she deserves shit when she speaks to you in that way, if so this isn’t going to work?”

Needless to say this led to a NOT so great night. I am doing a shitty job at disengaging but that text from his daughter left me feeling like I was punched in the gut. I had apoligized to her right away after my actions the last day she was in our home. We had to call the cops on her and she then went after me, when she and I never had an issue. If you have followed this story she more or less told me that I ruined her life and changed her dad. So I had called her a C*&^% and told her I was done being her person. I was so mad at her for coming at me, as she and I had a solid relationship prior and I didn't handle that well. Nor did I handle the other night well.

I told DH I really think he needs to go to therapy, he talks to NO one about what is happening with him, he is already prone to depressive episodes and he tends to hold onto everything until he cannot and then it is realised onto me. I am so concerned for his mental health and I told him that I just want him to take care of himself, he worried about his physicial health but he isn't doing a good job with his mental health. I couldn't understand why he would cave to his daughters demands when she is so nasty to him, blood or not screw that. I was a stepkid, I had a screwed up relationship with my own father and after years and years of crap I dealt with I decided blood or not, that it was toxic.

I love him but maybe I am not cut out for this, I have never had these types of doubts but I cannot even be positive about his kid anymore and I not reacting seems to be very hard for me as of late. I am hurt from our argument the other night, he tends to forget that he is a team member and will compare me to his ex-wife or just be cruel. We rarely fight (maybe once every 4-6 months we have an argument) and typically get along great and have a lot of fun together and work side by side on large projects. But he has so much in his head about his kids right now and I don't know how to handle it.

 

RisingtheWave80's picture

I had never said anything our of character to her prior, she was screaming at her father, she was throwing him under the bus for her mothers failings, it was such a dramatic and chaotic day I never want to deal with again. Both DH and BM are not all that good at accountablity themselves and SD has learned this from them. She has been more or less raised by BM to blame everyone else for her actions so that is what she is doing. Each week it appears she has a new reason to hate her father. Now it's me! DH has accepted that she needs to make him the bad guy in order to justify her alienation from him.

tog redux's picture

I think all you can do is disengage entirely, for your own sanity.  I think you know now that you were overinvolved (albeit with really good intentions) in trying to parent SD and help her - and it really backfired on you.  It's going to be tough to recover from calling her that name, probably for years to come, especially given her emotional disturbance and BM supporting her anger at you.

Let DH handle it however he wants to.  I agree that he shouldn't just jump to hand over stuff to a kid who treats him like dirt, but ultimately, it's his decision.  Just take a step back, take care of yourself, and figure out if you can continue in this situation knowing you don't have any control over any of this.  If there is something in your relationship with DH worth staying for, that's fine - but you have to let go of thinking you can fix this problem with SD.

RisingtheWave80's picture

because most of the time I am the rational, understanding one DH tends to put me on this pedestal of perfection and when I am not what he thinks of me it becomes a problem. So when I show emotion that he doesn't agree with all his ideas of me seem to be crushed. I told him that I am doing the best I know how to do, that I have never been in the exact situation that I am in currently and it is all learning at this moment. I am doing the best I can but it is truly trial and error. I worry that SD's opinion on me will cause issues with DH in the future if SD really runs out of ideas on how to keep blaming her dad for all of her issues because she has threatened her mom in the past that she refuses to be involved with her and her boyfriend and that if they ever got serious and lived together she would not live with her mom. BM caves to these threats and plays this game around her daughter. I don't believe DH will do this but seeing as how he will put up with nasty messages and dialog from his daughter now concerns me then eventually if I am named the reason for her refusal to be in his life that he will act upon it.

Anxiety is certainly a bitch.

tog redux's picture

Listen, I get it - I jumped in and tried to fix the issues with SS, too. It made me anxious to have all of this craziness going on around me and I thought I could control it - I couldn't/can't.  And once I let go of that, I felt so much more free.  I had to stop thinking I was the one who could fix all of this stuff and let DH handle it how he wanted to.  I didn't always agree with his methods, usually he, IMO, went more towards the "too strict" rather than the "too lenient", but it was none of my business no matter how he handled it. 

Your best bet would be to find a good therapist and work on your anxiety as it relates to this situation.  I'm quite sure that SD will milk what you called her for years to come, and if DH is going to let that get between you, then that's a problem.  But I do have to say - it's a pretty huge deal to call her that, and it's fair for him to be upset with you about it.  But all you can do is apologize and back off and work on yourself and make sure you never go to that place again. 

You might decide that you can't stay in this situation if DH won't get a handle on it, and that's fair too. But all you can control is yourself and your reactions. 

RisingtheWave80's picture

Actually DH was not mad at me, he got it. He actually wondered how I put up with her for so long. He has never been blind to her actions or behavior. I beat myself up daily about losing my cool with her that day. She was being so emotionally abusive to her father, she broke our posessions and so on. It was a bad day! I make no excuses for what I said at all, I like to think I am a better person that that.

Harry's picture

You are letting a mentally changes person run your life. You personally have to disengage, what ever happens to SD will happen.  Not your fault not your problem. Your DH is guilty for producing a not normal child. And feels he not doing enough to make His DD “ normal “.  You are not going to change your DH either. 

Saying that you have to disengage, not let SD into your home. Not go through mental abuse from her and DH.  He can see her outside the home all he wants.  Just make sure none of your time of effort, or money goes to SD.  Make like she does not exist.  You dont want to hear about her, not see her, not buy her anything, not go anywhere with her.

i can see the future, SD will stop going to school, she will stay home all day and do nothing, BM will throw her out.  Your DH will think he can do better and want her to live with you. Your marriage will end.  You can not this this happen 

RisingtheWave80's picture

We have agreed under NO certain terms unless BM dies will his daughter live in our home FT. He is certain she will be 16 years old, drop out of high school, doing drugs and living with some older guy who will pay her way. She has done nothing to prove otherwise this is the path she is heading. If she was ever to move in, I am certain I would move out. But we have agreed to this being the case.