I'm glad you have such a wonderful relationship that is at the center of your lives. I think having a healthy main relationship reveals the disfunction of stepkids even more. Like with your guilt tripping SD, parents always have a soft spot for their kids but when you have a good healthy relationship with your spouse and other children, you more easily recognize where the real problems are. 

I know since having our kids my DH has started to appreciate our relationship more. He sees that I encourage the relationship between him and our kids, BM always put him on the outside, were a team rather than competitors, our DDs are little but they love him unconditionally and are always excited to see him. I hope this continues because SD could care less and it's a lot more satisfying to be a parent to ours. His relationship with our kids is reciprocal, with SD it's transactional. This is all because BM was a poor choice.

My husband and I get along effortlessly. We both had lives before each other but we aren't judegy or worried about them unless it affects the present. He focuses on making our relationship work and insulating me from the drama or SD, BM, my in laws, and his work. It's not perfect but he knows what is important and has gotten better and better at setting boundaries. We also talk about future plans all the time, we really are committed to working together for the long haul. We're very different but our attitudes and values are in line. 

First, I have to say that birch is my favorite tree!

The Disney Dad had us on the verge of divorce.

Having previously raised 3 skids (nightmare psycho exh and absent crack ho BM), I went into this marriage with the same hope: that the skids and I would get along. After all, we all loved the same man! I was nice and generous, cooked and baked, suggested fun activities... Nope. BioHo, after doing one helluva job PASing the SDs (failed with the SSs), was lying through her snaggle teeth about me and doing her best to step-PAS the skids. And she was successful - for a few years. The SDs, once again, believed all of the lies 'Ho was spewing about me. The SSs (younger) were a combo of too scared of 'Ho and not sure what to believe. Add to that, DH was a Disney Dad. Especially because his relationship with the SDs was not good. 

Coming from military parents and a strict upbringing - and after successfully parenting my former skids in the same way - I tried to 'help' my DH. It almost cost me my marriage. I found STalk and learned about disengagement. It was NOT easy for me to disengage, but I gritted my teeth/bit my tongue, and soldiered on. Making DH cook meals and clean up after the skids resulted in the death of the Disney Dad. My relationship with the SSs improved and the four of us starting doing things together. When the SDs learned about BioHo's lies (at different times), they each asked to talk with me and apologized, explaining about the lies they believed. We now get along very well and they call/text me regularly. Their relationship with DH also improved (more lies they uncovered). SD28 and SS22 are estranged from BioHo - it's all due to 'Ho's insane behavior. SS19 avoids 'Ho as much as possible. SD25 is sweet, but naive and gullible and continues to fall for 'Ho's BS. 

So. What kept me in my marriage? My DH and I have a past history together and I've known him since HS. He was the one I stupidly let get away - and he rebounded with 'Ho. *dash1*   We love each other deeply. He's not just a good man; he's a wonderful man. He's a hard worker and his work ethic is stellar. Aside from the Disney Dad phase, he's an excellent father and steady as a rock. If the skids broke something at the 'Ho House, all hell broke loose. If the skids broke something at our house? DH asked how they were doing something or what happened, then explained/demostrated the proper way to do that something or talked about the repercussions of their actions. Calmly and lovingly. No matter how tired DH is, he is never too tired to ask about my day (and listen) or do little things to show his love (rub my feet, fetch an afghan, make me a cup of tea). The combination of those things - knowing that's the kind of man he is - and figuring out my part in our disagreements kept me there.

And please know that I am NOT saying you are to blame for things. It is possible for one partner to be the cause of a rocky marriage/partnership. But the things we do/say (HOW we do/say them), how we react, our body language... can play a part in the discord. While how I raised my former skids worked for me/them, it was not the right answer for my current skids. I had to let go of that idea, realize there were other ways, and grit my teeth for the 'ride'.

I'm similar to you.  I love DH84 and am so grateful I've had him in my life.  He's my favorite person.  Like you, I have a toxic SD altho her brothers are okay as adults.

You ask why I stay.  At this point, we are over the worst but back in the day, I frequently thought about leaving in the middle of all the step chaos.  Like, thought about it every day for a long time.  The main thing that kept me here was my bios.  They were in a good school and had nice friends.  During my divorce, my son had to start a different school each year.  Once things were stable, I just couldn't put him thru it again.

You are wise to compartmentalize the SK situation.  I try to do that, too.  But its hard when the SKs act up.  Sigh....

My SO is really my best friend.  He is the first person I want to see everyday and the person I want to say good night to.  And everything that happens in between, I want to share with him.  

He is kind, funny, and doting.  He will do small things for me (clean out my coffee maker - and he hates coffee - so its ready to go whenever I want another cup; backrubs and footrubs; will surpise me by making dinner once in awhile so I can sit on the sofa and sip some wine; always opens the car door for me; picks roses from our garden and puts them in a vase for me; and tons of other 'little things').  He is always there to listen and give me a hug.  He is the world's greatest cuddler. We enjoy spending time the same way and he's my partner in crime for weekend adventures.  

Ironically - I think some of the things that I love about him - his attentiveness and doting on me - are the same qualities that make him a Disney Dad.  He genuinely wants to make the people around him happy.  He just needs to stop overfunctioning with his adult kids - specifically Bratty - as they need the opportunity to mature and develop life skills needed for adulthood.  Though he has definitely improved over the past couple of years, holding the boundaries on Bratty's request to visit a few months ago and telling her no when she wanted us to tour Nutter GF's parents around town.  So, I feel like we'll be fine in the long run.

I was going to post a blog similar to this. After I posted yesterday, and got home from work, I sat down and re-read some comments to Dh that I thought he would find useful or relate to. He liked and wanted to use some, in fact, because the words were so perfect. This opened him up for some emotion-filled conversation and story-telling about his journey in particular, that has led a twisting pathway to where we are currently.

When DH and I met, I was at a low point in my life. I was jobless, and living with an abusive ex. He was separated and had moved Toxic Troll out and was trying to keep his famly (his 2 daughters and himself) together through the chaos and devastation. His dream of a family and joy-filled home and life was burned to ashes. He was depressed and didnt know how to rebuild - just put one foot in front of the other so he could keep things afloat for his children.

He saw me and picked me out of a crowd. Found out my current situation and saw potential. Potential and that spark of something that remained of his dreams of having a home and a happy family life. He supported me and encouraged me and took photos of the bruises in the case I wanted to go to the authorities. I never did and it haunts me to this day.

We began our relationship and he continued to support me through the first few years. One job led to a better one led to the awesome job I have now, and he always encouraged me through it all. During this time, SDnow22 Feral Forger was horrible to me. Not all the time, but things would "flare up". Through all these flare ups, he always supported me and had my back. And he gave Feral Forger a choice: This is my partner in life, this is my happiness, you have a choice to accept this and work with this, or not, and go live with your mother, and she chose her mother.

But she has re-written the narrative to be HE MADE THE CHOICE rather than HE GAVE THE CHOICE.

Hes a very handsome sweet man, who loves his friends and family. He gives to the community at every opportunity. He loves fishing and gives fish away. My friends love him and my family also loves him. His friends love him. His daughters love him too.

Ours isnt a super romantic pathway - more practical. We bought a house together 2 years ago. We acquired 3 boats together. We are planning our future travels together. We enjoy mellow time at home, or the energy of a giant stadium and music...a sunset, a platter of oysters, a warm fire...

We lift each other up. We dance through life together. Laughter. As well as tears.

Its why I stay.

My situation is close to yours. I have two middle-aged SDs who were not happy when I arrived on the scene almost 20 years ago, even though their parents didn't divorce until the kids were adults, and DH and I didn't meet until 5 years later, when they were in their late 20's.

They simply are not happy that they lost control over him.  That they have to share his attention with a "family intruder".  They grew up thinking the world revolved around them. Now they see it doesn't.  OSD thinks that DH should live by her to worship her and her children. Instead, he lives 1000 miles away, with me.

And also that our trust stipulates they don't get a thing until both of us are gone.

I am only 10 years older than OSD and my parents are in their mid 80's and healthy.  I know they are doing the math. And YSD frequently tries to find out from DH our net worth, which fortunately for him he stays silent about.

Why is it that these kids think that they should benefit immediately from what he and I built TOGETHER? Just like you and your DH, owning your own business and making it successful, why do your SDs think they should get their father's portion as soon as he is gone, as though you had nothing to do with it?  We are second class citizens in their eyes at most. Not even human, it seems.

DH and I have come close to splitting a few times over his kids behavior and his passive nature. But why do I stay, as you asked? I have not seen OSD46 in 6 years. I rarely see YSD44.  DH and I are completely compatible other than his family, which he admits is weird. 95% of our marriage is happy and that's why I have not left.  My therapist says that DH lives in the land of denial, is getting older and does not want to deal with bad behavior. He himself tries to separate himself from it.  

I also know that if we had split and I met someone else, that would come with a whole set of unknown garbage. Nothing is ever perfect. We only have one problem - it can be a big one - and my goal is to make sure it doesn't mess with my otherwise happy life. Sometimes I am successful at it, other times not.   The holidays are always a challenge; even though I know I won't see them, there is always some dumb game they come up with.

I think I'm luckier than most. We met when my two were in HS and his was just 7. Mine were fine w/ most everything, his not so much but he only saw him every other weekend and occasionally on a wednesday for supper. His ex was not user friendly, still isn't but the boys are all grown and out into the world so we won't deal with her until SS gets married. Unfortunately she had no use for Dad in her son's life and even now there's a distance emotionally. We really only had one issue and it was SS claiming he didn't want me going to his baseball games because he wanted Dad time. That lasted about a month and then I was invited again. It was his mom kicking up some dust. But it did  make me think so I made sure that even if invited on adventures, I always gave them one day of the weekends alone. Guy time.

We as a couple are strong. We've been through many crisises and sadly lost all four of our parents. Without him I'd be a bit lost. His son's much more family bonded, my two as well. I made some glaring mistakes as a BM and those are what I use when I give advice here. Don't be past me, listen to now me. I'm older, wiser, chubbier and more mellow. 

I decided I would stay as long as he was doing his best to deal with his baggage effectively and protect me from it, and he has.  He never let SS be disrespectful to me, didn't try to buy his love (ever, even when SS was completely alienated), and set strong limits on BM.  We got through the nonsense and now SS is 21 and knows DH won't be manipulated or guilted into anything.  We have seen him once in 2021, and haven't heard from BM in over a year. 

I couldn't have stayed if he had put me through endless drama by being a guilty/Disney dad or not having good boundaries with BM. Yes, he has good qualities, of course - but those would not have been enough if he hadn't been a strong parent who wasn't afraid of his crazy ex. 

I also see my adult kids 2 or 3 times a year. Well, that's SD and her family. SS never visits us, and we go to Skidville maybe once or twice a year. But we're getting older and that drive is not fun.

I came close to leaving DH twice, and both were skid related but not wholely due to them either. But when I got to the point that DH either find a therapist or find a new place to live, he chose the therapist. And he did the hard work of changing the behavior that had me considering leaving the relationship.

So I stayed. And I will stay. My DH isn't perfect by any means, but he's an intellectual giant. He's funny, really lights a room with his personality. We share similar social/political values. He's a good musician and fills the house with music. He likes dogs. He professes his love for me every single day. Most of all, we encourage each other to continue to learn and grow and exerience new things.

We live comfortably but not lavishly. But his kids will be surprised to learn that there is very little inheritance from him. He has a good retirement pension, which will end when he passes, and one small investment. Right now I inherit that, but next time we update our wills he will give that to his kids. Other than the equity in our house, he has no other assets. I do, but those are not and will never be co-mingled.

After nearly 40 years together (married 35 years), I still can’t believe that DH is for real; he’s the poster boy for ‘uxorious’. He has more integrity and plain decency than anyone I’ve ever met. My family has dubbed him, ‘Dudley Do-Right’, and the moniker fits. When we had problems with his DD, my DH set up therapy with a second psychologist when the first proved inexperienced in ‘step-life’ situations.

The best thing about DH is that he refuses to let an argument persist without a resolution. His patience is infinite and he’s never afraid to apologize. He’s good-looking, fit and  at 75 years old, still more than capable…..

My only grievance is the fear that he might pre-decease me. Certainly, I could live without him but I don’t want to. Urg!

This was an encouraging thread. My DH asked me to marry him the first day we met, it was a joke but somehow we just clicked right away. I'd never had a serious boyfriend but with him I just knew it was forever. For the first 3 years we were together I seriously could not go a minute without thinking about him. He's still almost always on my mind. He's smart and driven and he works hard to become a better person everyday. He's my handsome sexy best friend. I love that he's willing to grow and try new things, learn languages and travel. He's attentive to me and he tells me how much better his life is with me in it. We share the same values and goals. All the yucky hard step stuff, it's really painful yes. But for my hubby it's worth it. One day he and I will be sitting on a beach with our toes in the sand and our phones turned off....