Husband compared himself to me
I finally came clean with my husband and explained how incredibly hard it is to feel like I have to be a good Mom to his kids (who have lived with use for 4+ years - now SS16 & SD16) AND try to be a good Mom to our two young sons (2 yrs & 4 mos) - this has been really bothering me and getting harder recently.
Step parenting is hard anyway - you're expected to act like the Mom, but you're not. And I have really tried to be a good Mom to them as much as possible (honestly). And now I actually am Mom to my two little guys and I always worry I'm being more affectionate or paying more attention to them (even though technically they require that due to their age). BTW - my SKids did NOT like that I wanted my own bio kids so I have been very careful to attempt to balance something that honestly just cannot be balanced.
I finally tell him all the ways I am struggling to make this work the last few years and why. What does he do? He tells me he understands becuae it's the same way for him. They disrespect and don't care about him either...
SERIOUSLY!?!?!? NO IT'S NOT!!! You ARE the parent!
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Comments
Obviously he missed the point
Obviously he missed the point.
"If you don't like how they
"If you don't like how they treat you, DH, then FIX it. You are their biological parent. You CAN make them be respectful of both you AND me. That is part of YOUR job with the two oldest."
Exactly!
That is exactly what I said!
grr
You know what gets on my wick - when people say "Well, I'm not a parent, but I do have two cats. They're my children." And then think they understand what it's like to actually be a parent. No. I love cats. I do. I wouldn't live without one. But it's really not the same at all. You cannot really, really understand what it's like to be a parent until you are. And even though that annoyed me when people said it before I was a parent, when I became a parent - well, I had to acknowledge it was true.
Same with step parenting. Until you've done it, you can't know what it's really like and the conflicting internal monologue that comes with it and the complete social unacceptability of complaining about the little blighters - whereas if you are a parent you can complain about your own kids. I feel like I can't even complain about my step kids here because someone will come along and tell me they're demonspawn or brats or some such and they're not. They're kids and pretty good kids with some bad habits and some (to me) annoying personality traits and some really fantastic qualities, too. (Same as my bioson). But obviously some days are more balanced toward the annoying than amazing...
By the same token, OP, you cannot understand what it is like to have to share your children with a person you disliked so much you were willing to tear up your life and spend loads of money and disrupt your kids because they made you so miserable. I don't know what it's like to have full time kids and part time kids and constantly worry about fairness and feelings while loving them exactly the same.
However, yes - he needs to TRY to understand better. Sorry about your experience.
I was going to say something
I was going to say something similar.
Initially, I might be frustrated by his response as well. I might feel like he hadn't really listened to me.
On the other hand...maybe by the next morning...I might see this response as DH's attempt to empathize and let me off the hook a bit. If you expressed to him what you expressed to us here...he may have been responding more to the very real sense of guilt that I see in this post and trying to make you feel better about THAT...not necessarily saying that your experiences are the same.
In other words. Is it possible he was trying to say something along the lines of: "Don't feel guilty that you feel torn and frustrated and you don't always like my kids. They're MY KIDS and I'm having a hard time with them right now!"
Maybe he was trying to commiserate with you about what it's like to live with teens...as his partner and the other sane adult in the home...not trying to compare your experiences apples to apples...
I don't know. The times my DH has been willing to admit that one of his kids was driving him crazy or was being an a**hole or that they had traits he didn't like, etc...it felt like a definite relief...and chance to let go of any guilt I was holding onto due to my own feelings.
I think this is a perspective
I think this is a perspective that the OP should definitely look at and decide if this was her DH telling her it's okay, or him writing off her feelings because he feels powerless or guilty and wants her to feel the same (if that makes sense).
They never see their kid's
They never see their kid's fault and they always make excuses for their kid's behaviors. It's very biased and unfair for the stepparent.