Teach me how to Detach, Disengage-Please!

I don't know how to do it.

I don't know how to not get upset when I find SD13 sleeping in my bed. (Brought that up to H today-waited a whole week to calm down and say something about it to him. Of course, he got mad. I am unreasonable, again).

I don't know how to not get upset when I walk into My living room, and can't even sit down to watch TV because H & his have sprawled all over all available seating.

I don't know how to not get upset when H throws eggshells on the floor because the trash is moved to 2 steps away.

Please, explain. How do you detach, when you are constantly critized, and your life is being taken over by leeches? How? I can't not stand up for myself-if I don't, it just gets worse.

Explain, please. I've done the I'm not cooking, cleaning up after, doing favors for SD. But it has no effect on the rest.

Teach me, please.

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I am willing to try this

I am willing to try this with you, together.
I need alot of help to detach as well. I am probaly the worst. I get upset about everything that the skids and BM do but can't seem to not let it bother me, ARRRHHHHHHHH.
Whatever answers you get from your post I will give them ago too. Need all the help I can get.

HELP US WORK OUT A WAY TO DISENGAGE LADIES!!!!

Long comment about disengaging....

Detaching means to me that I don't make myself available for the arguement and I do my best to ignore and over look what isn't my concern. I am civil and respectful to them and to myself... For instance, SD (age 12) is getting two F's and a D...As a result, DH "grounded" her to her room and "no electronics"...In reality her, grounding turned out to be her laying on her butt in her room all weekend, sleeping in until 1 in the afternoon, eating the BK he brought her or eat the food he served her in bed, while HE did her choires and she played her video games on her tv and gaming system that he "forgot" to remove from her bedroom. He also failed to follow through with making sure she caught up her missing homework assignments...

I kept my mouth shut and took my daughter (age 16) out to lunch and to get a new book to reward her for her straight A report card..

On Sunday evening, DH approached my daughter and told her to clean the kitchen...My daughter just said, "I did the kitchen last night." She was right, it was SD's kitchen night...I didn't say a word or even look up from what I was doing when he and my DD had that exchange...The point was clear..His choices were to A. Have SD come down staires and clean the kitchen..Or B, he could clean it for her. He opted to do neither...However, before bed last night he told me that he talked to SD and she was "going to do the kitchen before she left for school in the morning"...I got up this morning and the kitchen was not done...

So now, detaching means that I will not lift one finger to clean up the kitchen today..I will suffer the mental anguish of walking through a dirty kitchen to hold them both responsible for cleaning it today..Unfortunatley for the kitchen cleaner, there will be even a bigger mess then there would have been had they just cleaned it last night...I won't set myself up for feeling resentment or set myself up to feel victimized by cleaning it up for either of them...Not my mess, not my problem.....

Disengaging means to me that when SD's school calls to talk to her "parents" about her grades...I tell the school that I am "just the step mom" and insure that the school has his work number so they can call and discuss it with him and set an appt with Him so that he can come down to the school...Nope I don't go with him or on his behalf. My daughter is a straight A student so the fact that SD isn't and gets bad grades isn't my problem or my responsibility...

Disengaging means that I don't attend HER school functions or take time off work or out of my day to take SD to Dr.s or Dentist's appointments or to any after school activities..Those are his responsibility...

Disengaging means that when the piles of Gi's (we are a karate family) are sitting on the washer to be cleaned for upcoming classes or competitions I pull out mine and both of my Bio childrens Gi's and wash them...His and SD are left on top of the washer for one of them to take care of..If they don't, THEY go to classes in dirty Gi's...Not my Gi's, not my responsibility, not my problem...

Disengaging means to me that because she chooses to be snotty and disrespectful to me and he chooses to not correct her or make her apologises then when she is present in the home and her dad is not then she is in her room until he gets home. This consists of about two or so hours aday after school when her dad is not deployed...

Disengaging to me means that next time DH's deploys for a year or 15 months he will have to make other arrangements for his daughter because I will never keep her during another one of his deployments ever again...Not my kid, not my responsibility, and her care while he is deployed is not my problem....

Good luck!!!

That was FANTASTIC!

Disgusted--that was an absolutely fantastic description of disengaging! You are a strong woman! And a good writer to boot.

Now, how do you handle the inevitable backlash that results from disengaging? That's the hardest part. You know the script already I am sure:

"What's your problem?"
"You don't care anymore."
"Is it PMS/Menopause time again?"
"You're just lazy."
"You favor your own kid and hate the rest of us."
"You're being a bitch."

I guess I am encouraging you to pen "Disengagement Fallout." We've all been there--or ARE there. Not a pretty place.

The Bait....

Thanks for the compliments Sarah..Trust me I wasn't always so strong..It's taken almost 9 years of raising this brat every day under my roof and doing most of the raising because dad is army and deploys to get to where I am...DH loves to come home after a year or 15 months grossly undermine me with her...Its very infuriruating considering I have hardly any problems with her or her behavior when he IS NOT here...Of course, she feeds into it and manipulates and takes advantage of it which leads me to have feelings of resentment towards them both....

Disengagment Fall out is "bait" and we can decide whether or not we are going to bite the hook...All of those statements are nothing more then trying to bait us and open the door for them to try to manipulate us to get what they want and to make things go their way...It's an "inconvience" for DH and SK's when we start taking steps to take care of ourselves and put us and our kids first..After all, it requires HIM to be responsible for his own kids...

I ignore the bait/ disengagement fall out entirley...I don't respond to them at all..He can rant and rave...He can accuse me of favoring my own children...(Of course I favor my own children...THey are my children and my obligation, responsibility, and priorities lay with MY children.All parents in blended families favor their own children..) It takes two to argue. And for him to be able to manipulate me I have to make myself avaiable for it by intertaining his comments and manipulating behaviors. I just don't make myself available for it. I don't entertain or engage myself in HIS behavior or the behavior of HIS kids...

Think about it...How much fun would it be for DH or SK to continue to say those things to us if they knew, for sure, it wasn't going to get them anywhere??? If we don't "take the bait" then they are just essentially wasting there time trying to manipulate us...I'm not a big Dr. Phil fan but he said something once that has always stuck with me...He says "we teach people how to treat us"...I believe that is totally true..

If we can see the disengagment fall out for what it is...Comments designed to bait and manipulate us then its much easier to ignore...The problem is not OURS...THe problem is theres..And I silently just hand his problem back to him...

"In a perfect world their would be retroactive abortion capabilities" ~ Disgusted Stepmom

You are SO right Sarah

I think the problems most of us have in disengaging are not so much in the MECHANICS of it (as Disgusted so beautifully described) bit in the EMOTIONAL aspect of it.

HOW do you deal with the fallout?
How do you deal with the inevitable guilt?
How do you deal with that knot in the pit of your stomach when you've mecahanically disengaged, but you know the stepchild is still ''getting away'' with the bad behaviors and not learning?

For me, that third question is the toughest part of the whole thing! I'm a teacher by nature. I want children to learn- to be better people. And when I have to simply disengage and know ''not my kid- not my problem'' it just kills me!!!

Which is where I think the problem lies for a lot of us. We are nurturers. We care. We want the best for these children, even when they are being horrible to us. And when we have to walk away and throw up the white flag, that's horribly sad and frustrating for us.

But for me, I found it DOES get easier with time. And I've learned that if I try to jump back in and 'play parent' again, the process just takes that much longer. It sounds funny, but the process of disengaging takes commitment.

"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis

So true, so true....

So true so true...Number three is a huge one for me also...It makes me sick the things that my step brat gets away with...It's even worse when SHE KNOWS that she is doing wrong, continues doing it, and the smirks and gloats about it...Especially if she is bucking one of my rules and getting away with it with her dad's permission..She loves to flaunt breaking my rules...Frankley, I can't even look at her during those times because I feel an overwhelming desire to slap her smirking lips right off her snotty little face! And then when DH defends her in those behaviors or even worse inadvertently "rewards" her...It really sets my anger meter into overload...

The stuff she gets away with boils my blood more then anything...For instance, going into my daughters room and stealing/breaking her things...Her dad "talks" to her about it...But he doesn't "DO" anything about it...This child is 12 after all...I have had to put a lock on the outside of my daughters bed room door to keep the step brat out of her room!! I shouldn't have to do that...

In the end and down the road when the Military Police are coming to our door or DH gets in trouble with his command for his daughters behavior on post...It won't be my problem and I won't be the one who is visiting her in Jail when she gets older either...That is right where this kid is headed...straight on into a future of addiction, promiscuity, welfare, unwanted pregnancies, and crime...I have tried to help her and I have tried to turn her around, only to be fought and bucked by her and her dad every step of the way..

So I gave up...And honestly, I have given up to the point that I don't even care how she turns out anymore. I just keep in mind that she won't "get away" with it for ever...It's going to catch up with her and him both...

"In a perfect world their would be retroactive abortion capabilities." ~ disgusted step mom

I agree

Anytime I have tried to disengage then I start getting lots of questions from DH. Then he thinks I don't care about him or that I want him to leave. He questions why the separation, why the quietness, why the change. I start trying to do my own things and then get more questions that arise from that. I don't know which is worse, engaging or disengaging.

"OCD sucks"
Habit and routine have an unbelievable power to destroy.
--Henri de Lubac

the guilt is the worse for me

handling the guilt that goes with disengaging has been the hardest for me.
I get from FH that I dont like his kids, that he does EVERYTHING for me why cant I "love" his kids.
He thinks disengaging is a way of not working things out. avoidance.
and a one and a two --the guilt dance begins.

"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."

But how do you disengage without being walked on?

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

I can stop cooking for H's kids-already doing that.

I can stop looking at their grades and offer suggestions-already doing that.

I will stop accompanying H & skids to "his" family functions.

I will start making plans with friends, even if it's a weekend H is here with his kids.

But...where does disengaging come into play when it's my personal space being invaded? Like a teenager taking over my bed? And H backing her up. Like being in my own home, wanting to sit and watch the telly, but the leeches leave no room for me?

How do you disengage without forfeiting everything to the selfish leeches? When it is me against the three leeches?

Your bed

You're right to kick her out. And you still get to disengage from the other stuff.

"OCD sucks"
Habit and routine have an unbelievable power to destroy.
--Henri de Lubac

Exactly, think "State Trooper"

Calm...cool...collected...totally deatached when pulling over a speeder on the side of the road.

If SD is in your bed, next time, simply say, with total non-emotion in your voice,
"Please move. This is my bed. you have your own. Thank you for your cooperation."

Simple. Direct. Not nasty or disresepctful. And DH does not have to be involved.

Same for the the couch situation.

"Please move and make room for me. I would like to sit down. You can sit on the floor if you need to. I am the adult and the adults get first choice for seating. Thank you for your cooperation."

It is time for you to assert yourself.

I do this anytime SD16 is being particulary snotty with her behavior but do not want to get "confrontational. I find that if I start with a "please" and end with a "Thank you" and stay neutral with my tone, it is highly effective.

"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis

I agree with 5teens

I totally agree with 5teens,

I would probably have a sit down chat with both DH and SD..I would be courteous but direct and just tell them straight up that

My room is my space and I am not at all okay with her being in my room or sleeping in my bed and that it won't be happening anymore. If DH doesn't like it then you can always provide him the option of moving out (after all it is your house)...Or DH can sleep with his daughter in her own room in your house..As far as hogging all the setting in the living room...I would designate a seating place for each person in the house..This would be a discussion in which I am asserting my rights and acting in my own best interest..It's not a "debate"..

"In a perfect world their would be retroactive abortion capabilities." ~ disgusted stepmom

I messed up this weekend

Short synopsis-my DH parents like a dork (SS 16 "would you like a shower"? (insert 16 year old rolling his eyes at his father here) "SS16-would you like to go to bed now sweetie"? (Insert SS walking away without even acknowledging his father's existence)-

I tried everything until I was blue in the face to get DH to parent (he had SS EOW and 50/50 parenting and he was SS's Disneyland Dad-so the transition to full time parent was impossible, not to mention SS was too old and set in his "no rules" ways and DH cannot stand to be the "bad guy".

Sooo-we sat down and made some house rules we could all more or less live by (more of a boundaries thing as SS thinks he runs/owns the house, including the one TV I can watch while he has two state of the art TV's at his disposal, SS ruled the thermostat until I stopped that! that kind of annoying stuff)-with DH not enforcing the few rules SS had-I did -for awhile...

Then I didn't engage if I asked myself one question before I made SS scurry away and that question was "does whatever behavior SS is doing -personally affect me at this moment enough to say something? and things were less stressful for me-

Apparently I "scare" the 6/1" baby boy and SS does not "like" me(SS does not like anyone who has personal boundaries and is willing to set them!) was the feed back I got from disenging.

This weekend I blindsided SS on a behavior that really did not affect me personally-so I had a set back and he learned one more thing to annoy me with-so I am ticked at myself for letting it "get to me"-

Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!

ugh

almost impossible without DH supporting -
you could take all the sheets off your bed and dont put them on again till you go to bed..
stop paying the cable bill- hide the remote..

"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."

I hate to beat a dead horse

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

but I'm still just pissed over the bed thing. And it was SD13-who I did try to champion, did try to raise her up to more equal footing with SD17.

But she will be 14 in December. And obviously, she has no more respect for me than H or SD17. Remember, I dated her father for years. And trust me, she did not take her naps in his bed when he was single and they lived with him. But H defending it, H saying it's just ok, is where the biggest problem lies. His response when I told him that was crossing boundries? "Well, (all huffy)Max comes into our bedroom". Excuse me? Max is my dog! And H encourages Max to get on the bed when H's dog isn't here. However, when H has his dog here, he snuggles with the dog all night long, and complains if Max gets up on the bed. I know. It's ridiculous.

When my sd tried taking over

When my sd tried taking over my bed I simply walked over to the other side, bent over picked up the mattress and flipped it. I figured if I could do it with a 150lb teenage boy on it I could do it with her. When she tried to take over the living room tv, she has one in her room, I bought a master remote. I can turn the channel from any where in the house. Now I don't even speak to her for any reason. H says I piss him off, please excuse my language, but I think it's time he learns what it feels like. He comes home and complains that he gets picked on at work. That everyone blames him for anything that goes wrong and that no one listens to him. Well welcome to my world. He's not getting any sympathy from me. I told him that's exactly how he and sd treats me. I figure the best thing for me is to just ignore them both and when it hits the fan I'll say "I told you so". I'm going to keep buying my lottery ticket each week and keep my fingers crossed that I hit the big one. Won 500 on the last one and didn't tell H about it. When I do BW we'll go to Hawaii for a couple of months and have some cute island boys wait on us hand and foot. }:)

Oh, I love Hawaii-but why would we have to come back?

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

oh. Yeah. I would have to come back-my parents need me here.

Love the flippin' the bed.

The next few days will be a good test of my disengaging-and I am listening to all of your experiences and how you've dealt with things. And I have backup with my son being here. I love my son. He's so good looking, so goodhearted, so intelligent. And can be so damned mean if someones messin' with his Mom :evil: