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I've tried, but it's clearly not in the cards... (Warning: Rated R and LONG)

BellaMia's picture

I'm tapping OUT! Seriously. I'm sure he'll manage to fool another woman into taking care of him and his entitled little brats

I've cooked, cleaned, planned birthday parties, helped with homework and school projects, dropped off, picked up, dropped off forgotten folders and homework, etc... and do you know what I've discovered?


No matter what I do or how well I do it, my H, SS12 and ss7 are the most self-involved little liars I've ever come across. No matter how much I try to engage, I ALWAYS end up feeling like a fucking idiot for trying, walking away with egg on my face and a broken heart. The latest bullshit?

I planned a pool party for SS12. Now mind you, he is supposed to be with his BM for the summer, but she informed H that she has "too much going on" to get her own fucking child. (Who says/does that?!?!) SS7 lives with his BM for the school year and is with us for the summer. He's actually been well-behaved, albeit painfully immature. At any rate, H and I have been struggling with communication. A lot. We have extremely different point-of-views on so much that it makes it hard to really hear one another out at times. But we've been working on it. I've been looking for a counselor in our new town since we moved early this year without luck. Why did I just learn yesterday that H has still been having counseling sessions (via phone) with our marriage counselor we saw where we used to live? What?! He never even told me about it, let alone asked me to to join in. I'm so pissed and hurt that I have tears in my eyes just thinking about it. He tells me, "I don't know why you're mad! You should be glad I want to work on me!" Um, I am glad about that, you JACKASS. I have no issue with that. But wouldn't that come up in conversation at some point? He only told me because I asked him when he last talked with her because we had done two phone sessions together with her. I asked him last night about remembering something that she had told us and he said, "Yeah, but when was the last time you talked with her!" Uh, he knew because he was either aware of it or on the phone. The one time he couldn't make it because he had a meeting, he still asked me to do the session. But moving on...

Then he knew I was going to book club yesterday. I overhear him telling another little boy's father that he was taking him and SS's bowling while I was gone. Not once had he mentioned shit about that plan to me. I truly think he does shit like that to spite me. I had been telling him I really wanted for all of us to go bowling together, yet he always waits until I have something else to fucking do. WHAT GIVES?

So today we're still off and just generally not on good terms. He's at work and I'm taking care of his kids and cleaning the house per usual. I got up cleaned, made the youngest breakfast and went on with my day. When SS12 decided to roll out of bed at 11, I told him he could make some cereal. I spent the rest of the morning and early afternoon cleaning and doing projects for my classes. Around 2 (the kids still hadn't so much as thought about showering), I heard SS's wrestling on the STAIRS. They were roughhousing so much that my dog was barking at them because she hates when people file. I opened my bedroom door and yelled, around the corner and up the stairs, "Hey you guys cut it out! Go ahead and get dressed for the day..." The youngest said OK and I considered it a done deal. Then SS12 (who acts more like he's Dirol knocked on my bedroom door and said, "Uh, what time is dad coming home for lunch?" I told him it was already 2 and to my knowledge, there had never been a plan for him to come home for lunch. But the truth is DH tells me next to nothing, especially when he calls himself being mad at me, so hey! For all I know, he DID tell them he was doing that! I said, "I have no idea. You should call his cell phone..."

Next thing I know, I'm getting a phone call from H (the first of the day) talking about SS12 called him and said that I was being really mean to them.

KISS! MY! ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Are you fucking SERIOUS? And H has the audacity to bother me with that bullshit?! Then when I explained what actually happened and told him I can't believe I have to fucking qualify my actions because of what a damn 12-year-old things, do you KNOW what he said to me?! "Why are you taking it personal?! This is the kind of stuff that makes me think we're never going to work... that we're not even compatible..."

Well then I should probably start packing, huh? FUCK THIS! If I have to have go back and forth with my husband because of a lie/exaggeration that his fucking CHILD spewed, only to have my entire marriage continuously be on a precipice of divorce, what the fuck kind of life is that?! THAT, my dears, is subsisting and I refuse to damn do it...

I am so shitty with myself for quitting my job and moving to make this marriage work. Now I am ASS OUT... I've been looking for jobs, and now I have so much more incentive to do so. I told H I am sick to damn death of always having to think about a plan B because at any given moment, if the boat is the least bit rocked because I forgot to walk on eggshells, I suddenly run the risk of being without a spouse, losing kids who I have done for as if they were my own, AND being destitute not to mention fucking HOMELESS.



WickedStepMom18's picture

I, seriously, after reading that, want to come over and smack everyone in your household... except you, of course. I completely empathize with what you are saying because it happens to me all the time. ALL THE TIME. Let me put my brakes on, however, because I don't want to add my story to the BS that you are obviously going through. First words of advice - find a job. Saving your marriage does not depend on you staying home. You moved - got it - but that doesn't mean you lose your independence. Have a PLAN B and don't be afraid to use it. Who wants to live PLAN A, if PLAN A always means you are thinking about PLAN B? So - tell PLAN A to EFF OFF and move onto PLAN B. PLAN B should involve lots of massages, lots of margaritas and a cabana boy named, Juan. Wink I'll check back later to see if you laughed... and to add some more. Gotta run...

BellaMia's picture

Thank you for the encouragement and for the advice. I know that is definitely the first thing I need to do. I have been trying, trust me... It is so friggin competitive out there it is ridiculous. Experience and education are definitelty not enough.

I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone. Really and truly. And then H acts pissed off if I say anything that is even remotely close to criticism of him or his children. The moment I stop walking on eggshells and have an opinion or question him on anything, he flips out and talks about divorce.

Nice, right?

BellaMia's picture

Oh, and thank you for the laughter as well! I so needed it! Smile

How are YOU dealing with this stuff when it happens to you?

ohcrap's picture

God love you. Hugs. I have been where you are (throw in a psycho ex) and
am barely living to tell the tale. My first advice would be to disengage,
here is a very good link to an essay about what you're going through right

I am just starting this myself. I plan on reading it every day until it
sinks into my head and I do it naturally.

And here's another great article:

I have been gradually turning over more and more to my husband. I hope
you can too.

BellaMia's picture

First I want to say thank you for taking the time to respond and for the encouraging, supporting words. How I wish it were that easy...

DH has been talking to a counselor at my request. It started as pre-premarital counseling of sorts. He was in one state and I was in another at the time, so he started going to the woman he currently talks with and I was seeing a different one, for individual help. When we decided to get married, I went to his state and we started seeing his counselor as a couple. I don't have any issue with his seeking counseling, but after seeing how he operates in sessions with the therapist, how he throws me under the bus to his mother and to his fater, I don't really have to imagine how the counseling sessions are when it's just him and the therapist. I hate to say this, but he is an absolute validation whore. He will tell half truths and whole lies to other people to get buy-in, so they can say, "Oh yes! I definitely see your side of it! She's clearly not doing/saying things the right way..." He has a knack for putting himself in THEE best light, even if that means putting me in the shadows. It happens all of the time, with family and with the therapist. When I have had individual sessions with her and talked with her, she almost always has an "I didn't know that!" moment because he gives pieces and parts of the truth. It's highly annoying. I no longer even desire to talk with her because of this constant back and forth. It's like he's tainter her because of his bullshit stories...

About the 12-year-old: He could not care less about going to see his mother. He didn't WANT to go. She's a broke ass and H and I are a bit better off financially. He thinks this is damn Disney World compared to the hellhole he used to live in. He came into H's life when he was 5 because his bitch of a mother was a slut and didn't know he was the father. My theory? He looks at his father like a damn ATM machine, nothing more. I agree with the rest of what you said about hormones and me being at home with him all day. The youngest is manageable because he is younger and less mature. I see issues coming down the pipe though. His mother is an evil bitch and says innapropriate things at will, which he of course unwittingly repeats.

Well, I'm off to go get ice cream with them. I have learned that if I continue to avoid them, H uses that to fuel his fucked up fire...

*edited to change "throws me under the bust" to "throws me under the bus"... lol It's been a long day.

oceangirl3's picture

Here's a *hug* for you. I think you need to work on disengaging from the situation. Let your DH do the parenting. I have been doing that with SD11 and truthfully, I am starting to feel better. I hope at some point I will actually want to do things with her, but right now I don't. I am leaving all the parenting to DH. So, far things aren't bad.

I also, think it may do you good to start doing more things for yourself. I know when I had to quit my job for school, it took its toll on me. I am currently looking for work. Maybe, get a Part-time job? That way you are out of the house, and a bonus, you are away from the steps for a while. Try to start doing more for you, and leave the kids for your DH to take care of. They are HIS kids anyway. Just say to yourself over and over "Not my kids, not my problem". It really does help.