How do you handle it when the BD steps out of SD's life little by little breaking little one heart?
If you have read my profile I have a 6 year old SD and over the last few months her father has been slowly fading out of her life. He makes many promises to her such as taking to her to places where they can spend some alone time. Yet when the time comes he takes her to friends or relatives and then spends little time with her as to even just drop her off and tells her that he has to go to work.
He has not had a job in over a year, at least not one with a paper trail, but he keeps telling her that he has to do this so he can buy their house. She is only 6 and being a dad's girl she thinks the world of him and cannot see that he is manipulating her into believing his lies. As a father myself it hurts me dearly to see her come home with such disappointment on her face.
When we ask her what she got to do that weekend she just tells us about the dog at grandma's house and how her dad has to work all the time or that he slept while SD was over there. It is sad that BD maybe spends 1-2 days a week with her out of our home if that and out of that spends just a few hours out of that time with her.
SD's mood is very distressed when she arrives home and doesn't say much for the first hour or so. I understand that she is hurting inside and does not know how to express it. BM has tried to speak to BD about the needs of their daughter and BD acts as if it is our fault that he gets no time with SD. We (BM and SD) have tried to speak with SD about the things that we can do to make our lives happier and both tell her how much her dad loves her because that is what she wants to hear.
If we don't mention that she gets upset and tells us that her dad says we hate him and that is why he doesn't get to spend the time with her. We have created a visitation schedule so that BD of SD could have the visitation that SD deserves, BD states that he will pick her up from school and then spend the weekend with her and many times he will call during the middle of the school day and tell BM that he will not be able to take her that weekend.
SD is at school waiting to be picked up by her father when mom shows up and has to explain that her dad had something else that he had to do and that he would call her later. Again this has been going on for months, time and time again we hear the same excuses.
BD again tells SD once finally picks her up that we are keeping her from him. It will take time for our little one to realize that she has been lied to by her BD but we don't know how much longer we can let this happen to her. We have now gone to a lawyer to have papers drawn up to state that BD has visitation and that BM will have sole custody which will have to be signed by BD. Only stipulation that he wants put in the agreement is that we allow there to be an evaluation every 6m to determine if they can go back to joint custody. BD has not paid for any expenses in any aspect for over 7 months.
This past week my SD had to have tubes put in her ears because of chronic ear infections and BD made sure that he was present when she was going in for the procedure. We though okay he cares and wants to make sure that everything went well….. I found out that during the time they were in the recovery room he was searching through all the drawers and stuffing his pockets with medical supplies. This was found out after we had left but he had done this while BM was changing her daughter to get ready to leave because SD was being released. Now on a note BD does make up for some b rated films but does this as a volunteer so there is no money made by doing this. This is what he claims to his daughter that is helping him save to buy them their house, again no money and another lie to his beautiful little girl. BM does not tolerate this behavior and we are suspicious of his actions as to what he does with his time when he is supposed to be spending the time with his daughter.
We do not want to be the thought in SD’s head that states that we are keeping her away from her BD but believe it would be healthiest for her to not be with him until maybe he gets on his head on his shoulders and realize what he is doing….. Not likely that is going to happen though.
We are looking for any suggestions or encouragement on how to proceed with this. SD and I have a very close relationship more so than her and BD but I don’t want to be the bearer of bad news, nor does BM.
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His loss...
We all wish we could shake some sense into the parent, especially when it comes to rearing their children. Obviously what you see is unfortunate, but can you really force him to spend quality time with his daughter? Not really. In the end, his lack of engaging with her will effect their father-daughter relationship. That's his decision, sad as it is.
As she gets older she will see the truth. But forcing the BD to spend quality time is just going to stir a pot that's apparently full of his BS, thereby making you the BS-Stirrer. Do you want that moniker?
If he's not abusing her then there's not much you and BM can do other than be there for the little one, as BD pulls further away. You get to be the positive father influence in her life. Clearly you care about this little one and she's so fortunate to have you in her life.
Hope this helps to keep focus on what you can and cannot control. Wish you could wring his neck though and make him see what he's doing...just kidding!
Agreed his loss.... But her PAIN
It is not that I wish I could make him spend the quality time with his daughter because it is something that all father's should want for their children. My pain and anger comes when BD makes the promises to his little one and then stomps on them... For instance this weekend she was supposed to go to the museum of natural sciences which is a free exhibit here in town.
The plan that was mentioned was he would pick her up around noon and take her there and have her home by 7pm. We had no problem with that at all, we know that it is something that she truly adores and is very excited when getting to do something like that. This place is free to the public and makes a great time for the children, in this case his daughter. BD picked her up as planned and proceeded on his way.
He called back at about 3pm and said that he was going to bring her home because the weather was getting bad. We agreed as we had called the BD's cell phone because we heard of tornado warnings in the surrounding counties and wanted to make sure they were where they anticipated being. He did not answer any of the calls nor returned any of the VM stating that we were concerned about the weather and their well being, Anyways he turns up at 3:30pm and sends his daughter the walkway to our place and turns and walks away. Once inside I asked SD if she had fun at the museum and she said that they did not go, instead they went to grandma's house.
So BM and I asked well what did you do while over there at grandma's, she replies " I played with the dog while daddy slept, grandpa was sleeping too and I sat around with grandma until daddy woke up and said it was time to go back to mommy's.
She will see the true side of him one of these days but I just don't know how to help her cope with what is being done now. BM and I have a great relationship with her. We do homework with her have dinner with our family and have time to give her the attention that she deserves. Sometimes BM and I get the slap in the face when she doesn't get something that she wants and states she just wants to go to daddy's.
I know that it is just because she knows that it can get a rise out of us and after she cools down a bit she says she is sorry but it still stings hearing those words come out of her little mouth knowing that he does not give her any of the attention.... Then again no attention no rules and that maybe the factor of which she uses that to press an issue.
BD_SF_2007
Joy of being a father is just part of our daily inspirations!
Maybe call him on it???
What do you do? Make him justify his decisions? Probably not.
I can see the struggle you have, believe me. He's obviously a looser and isn't thankful for the gift of a child. Otherwise he would cherish every moment he has with her.
Maybe, maybe, if you want to hear it from him, just say, "Hey I was talking with (little one) and she told me you guys didn't get to the museum. That sucks. How come? Because I was thinking about going, but won't if you didn't think it was even worth going." Open up the conversation and see how he responds. Maybe, maybe, he's going forward with this behavior because no one is calling him on it. Thoughts?
Also, what's your wife say? She knows him I assume. Has he always been emotionally unavailable? If so, then that's an entirely different problem that only he can fix. If not, then maybe she could call him on it and voice her concern about the continuing disappointment it causes their daughter. Thoughts?
BM has raised the questions about his behavior
BM and I are not married as of yet we are have waited out our 366 day separations which have gone through and papers are all filed just waiting for the final judgments for the uncontested divorces. We have not set a date yet because of all of the battling with the ex's stuff, but we are planning and looking forward to our happiness together.
BM has her postings on here as well and has found some interesting insight on what to do about the custody issues and we will be proceeding with them once the uncontested divorce on her side goes through. We have been together now for 11 months and have had our ups and downs due to the X's in our past relationships.
BD is full of BS and dodges all the important questions... miss leading and going into a saga of his career choices and that when he makes it big with the movie makeup crap he will show BM that he can take care of SD. Wishful thinking on his part but he is not showing much for his daughter now. I do not confront him at this time due to the fact that he feels that I am trying to take over his role as the father in his daughters life yet thinking about that if the shoe was on the other foot I would be trying my hardest to show her the affection that she needs instead of filling her head with lies and deceit.
He is trying to play the child card against BM to do what ever he wants truly the only thing that he is making sure that does not go into the custody papers is CS so it is not mentioned either way. I know that BM is so frustrated speaking to him and it is like talking to a wall and there will probably be more revisions to the sole custody paper work before it goes final but again luckly that is seperate than the acual divorce.
There is one thing that BM has made clear to the grandparents of BD is that no matter what happens between BM and BD that we would not keep her daughter from seeing them because she has been in such a large part of their lives as well as them in hers. We are just hoping that BD does not try and contest the divorce because of custody even though they are filed separately here where were are going through all of this.
Sounds if I am just bashing on BD but I am truly not trying to do so, just wish there was some way to show this @ss the light and let him see what he is truly doing to his daughter. I know by the time he comes around his daughter will have long realized that he was not there for her and that he had just been lying to her. We truly are looking out for the best interest of our children.
BD_SF_2007
Joy of being a father is just part of our daily inspirations!
Oh my, he has big plans...
There are 2 things you wrote that really stand out.
He thinks he will be a better dad once he's made it big in the movie industry. What, because he'll be richer? Since when does financial success make a better parent? Obviously he's just using that as an excuse to avoid being a parent now. Once he's made it big, what excuse will he have? He has too much work to do to keep making the big $$$? Seriously what a scam.
Obviously you are a threat to his fatherhood, because if he were the best dad he could be you couldn't do a thing to threaten his fatherdom. But since he's phoning in his fathering, anything you do is better at fathering than what he's doing. Jealously at its finest.
Getting custody will be such a relief, I'm sure.
Hang in there!!!
Support SD as much as you can let her know that you are there for her and shower her with love. I personaly came from a split family and my Dad did a lot of the same things so I understand and as a child it is not easy (mine even signed over parental rights when I was 10). My Mom never bad mouthed my Dad in front of my sisters and I she knew that one day we would form our own opinion. So here it is many years later and all 3 of us pretty much have the same opinion "He is a worthless piece of shit that is taking up oxygen that I will need when I am old" He is the one that missed out on our lives and now his grandkids lives.
Hang in there and keep supporting her and loving her she will grow up to repect you and love you for it.
perhaps this applies
sorry
Hi
I have had 5 SD and am now 27 years old … If I can give you any advice it is to love her MOM !!
It may sound wired but when Dad starts to go south all you want to see is your mom happy … You will never be able to fix what her Dad is doing … But you can make her further bright and loving and that’s all that count. TRUST me she will see him for what he is worth . WE all do … But pleas if you want to make that little girl happy love her mom ….
She is very loved!
Mom will always be loved by me. I express that in more ways than one everyday. She is a very bright and beautiful woman who is not only the love of my life but also my best friend. She will always know how loved she is and SD always see's that everyday. I share my love in the house with the children and her, I make time for all of them and give the children the love and time while still spending time with the woman I love.
There are not enough words or expressions to show how much love I have towards her mother. I do let her know everyday how much she means to me. I spend all of my spare time with them and will take care of them while they are not feeling well as they do with me when I am not feeling well. They are all angels and I give my life to them.
My main reason for the posting was to try to get some insight on how to help SD through the transition as to help to get her emotions out instead of holding them in. I talk to her every evening and every morning when I wake up and it is lovely to have this relationship with her. In time she will understand more and I know that she will be a very bright star.... She already is in my eyes and her mother's too!
Thank all of you for your support and insight on this subject!
BD_SF_2007
Joy of being a father is just part of our daily inspirations!