Stepson living with Grandparents
Just a newbie here. Signed up because basically i don't know what to do..
First off i would like to clarify these important things that will help you guys weigh in on the situation and hopefully give me an honest answer to my dilemma.
1. Grandma is a narcissist. She is verbally absusive. She is a hoarder, their place is literally messed up. Living room is full of her trash and the place, filthy and full of roaches. Helicopter parent. She once advised me to abort our now 7 mo old babyafter she learned her daughter was pregnant so i dont like her at all.A Helicopter parent.
2. Grandpa is a 69 yr old senior vp for a bank(not really sure why the bank lets him stick around considering his age), a compulsive gambler and spoiler. A man who loves to brag and showboat, someone who wants people to think he is rich. Helicopter parent as well.
3. wife - we just had our wedding anniversary last march, 2013. She was physically abusive before to the point where my face was all bruised up but now, her physical abuse has mellowed to verbal and emotional after i walked away and threatened to divorce. I am continuously making her see the error of her ways, and gently pointing out the bad parenting she received. She is also a flight stewardess and is almost always away. She has NPD like her mom and doesnt know the word responsibility and accountability. ALways blames others for her mistakes.
I married my wife a year ago and we have a 7 mo old baby girl. She has a 7 year old son from her previous boyfriend currently living with her parents away from us.
We're living an hour's drive away from the grandparent's place and we try to visit once or twice every 2 weeks because our work schedule does not permit us to do so on a regular basis.
The 7 yr SS is very warm to me. He even call me his 'dada' and i am very fond of him except.. When he throws fits everytime he doesn't get what he want, he is starting to use emotional blackmail when he doesnt get what he wants, doesn't have great social skills to the point where he gets mad and frustrated whenever he loses a game (videogames/sports). He is basically a spoiled brat. Might also have ADHD, since he always pinches my finger when he's near me. Now, i dont fault him for what he has become but the parenting he has endured from his grandparents.
The problem here is that, even if i wanted to take the child into our own place, my wife won't let me since she says that the kid is the only thing keeping her dad 'alive'. She says, without SS, her dad would fall into depression and something bad might happen (he has diabetes, has heart problems, weighs 270 pounds on a 5'10 frame).
I tried my best to explain to her that her decision is basically ruining SS' childhood and that she has to make a choice soon. That their parenting is literally turning him into a brat and we should be taking him away and raise her under our wing as a normal parent would do before it's too late. She always says to me that she wants to take SS but when the day comes, she flakes.
I genuinely care for the child but this situation is driving me nuts, the fact that you want to save the child from being spoiled and there is never a day that passes that you want to straighen him out and instill good values and discipline. But every day that he is not with us, makes it harder for me to bond and be close to him.
Last night, wife asked me a question that threw me off: When will you adopt your SS??
I was completely caugh off guard and obviously didnt know what to say, i just told her, that we should first get the boy and raise him before i can answer the question, which btw made her hysterical. She said some nasty and unfair statements like what will SS think when he grows up and notice that he and BioD have different surnames, that i dont really care for the boy and its ok with her(passive agressive stlye), when you feel it's not, etc..
So my question is, what should i do? I cannot adopt the child and give him my name without first bonding with him. Im also having this what if bad thoughts that he might be someone i wont be able to control and that adopting him will be another mistake. First one being, marrying the wife.
I would like to giver her a chance, because i can see she's trying to change, but get demoralized when she has her occasional breakdowns. Which is very stressful for me. I am getting used to the flight/fight feeling and i feel that it's killing me slowly from the inside out just like seeing SS being transformed into a narcissistic, spoiled, irresponsible kid right in front of my eyes.