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Fake it 'till you make it.

babinoq's picture

If I've learned anything over the years, it's this: fake it 'till you make it. If you put on a suit that makes you look like a spiffy, in-charge sort of business woman, people tend to assume that's exactly what you are.

I take this approach time and again in the step-parenting realm. I fake it to my friends. "Oh, yes, my sd is great. She's such a good kid and we have so much fun together." I fake it to my husband. "I'm so glad you and sd came into my life. I'm such a better person because of the both of you." I hope that if I say these things enough, I'll begin to believe them, too.

Today is a day that I just can't fake it. I hate being a stepmom. It drains every last drop of energy, optimisim and human decency out of me. Maybe tomorrow I'll be able to think happy toughts (damnit), but for today I just want to be single again.

Comments

Persephone's picture

some days you can't fake it. I am learning to not fake it. For many years I did and I got so bottled up that I had hives, and a panic attack(s), my hair was turning gray faster--NOT kidding. I went to a relaxation therapist and am learning how to take care of myself. Breathe in and breathe out. I do yoga and got back to art classes. Meet up with my girlfriends/sisters during the skid week, or when ever I feel like it. I speak up when I feel violated and am finally taking back my home. Oh yeah there is grumbling, but there always is, except now I don't feel like I am always getting stepped on or over. I do not like being a step mother-- I really didn't think it could be so bad since I had already successfully raised an unruly teen. But I do love my husband.

Most (if not all) days being single does look good. When I told my therapist that she ask my why I explained how much I gave up for nothing in return. There was absolutely nothing in it for ME. My DH?? yeah, but he and I both agree that if it weren't for the kids we would not have married--would have done the Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell thing and just lived together.

Go back to doing what you did when you were single-- it helps. Ranting and helping others on this site can be a great release even if it is just to get it out of your head.

Cheer up!!! It is not selfish to take care of you!!

Sherrylyn's picture

I understand what you are feeling. All those people who tell you to keep a positive outlook because it has to help, and I agree it helps most of the time. I feel there comes a point where you have to let your feelings out, be it anger, disappointment or depression, because those are the feelings nobdy seem to like to see displayed. Choose who you feel comfortable with and get it out. Also give what persephone suggests a try. Treating yourself to healthy happy things can't hurt.

Take Care

tyra's picture

For the first three years with my husband I sucked it up with his EX. I played nicey nice with her. Listen to her talk about herself all the time, her untruths and I would just smile at her. My husband knew how I was feeling. And then one day.....BOOM.....I let it out on her and her meddling mother. Once the flood gates were open it all came out...one by one they left crying. If you knew me you'd know this is not my personality. So somehow you have to find someone to talk to or you will explode. I still have regrets about some of the things I said ( not that they weren't the truth I guess it was the way I delivered the message).

There is that thing about being our authethic self and when we mascarade around with hidden hostilities I think we just do damage to our inner souls.

One good thing out of the explosion...she did tell me I should receive an oscar for my perforamce Smile

Good Luck

Bonus Wife's picture

I can't fake it til I make it either. As you know I don't like the fact that DH goes to ex wifes house once a week to hang with his kids. He'll never understand why and I am not going to threaten him. But every Wed. I try to fake it.."have a good night honey.."but that's totally going against MY authentic self. I want him to have a good night, but here with, them and me at OUR house. AFter I say bye.. then Yes, I am restless, have the attacks take a glass of wine... This week however, instead of faking it til I make it..I am going to just try surrendering once and for all! Maybe the anxiety attacks will stop.

Persephone's picture

the anxiety attacks are what pushed me over the edge-- (which came first the chicken or the egg??) Smile I just wanted to feel normal again. No heart racing, hands shaking, shooting pains in arms and chest, light sensitivity, noise sensitivty... my eyes still twitch but I am getting used to that. Wink It was/is so exhausting. The highs (anxiety) and lows (come down). I found that I was disassociating and it felt like I was having an out of body experience, which freaked me out and I would go into a panic. Although the relaxtion therapy is great -- (I have self hypnosis tapes that I treat myself when I feel the anxiety welling), BUT the best thing I did was call the ex over for just a chat and laid it on the line with her... the anticipated anxiety was tremondous, but that soon left after I found that I actually had the control of the conversation
and the more she spewed her anger the calmer I got. After that conversation I chatted with DH, and then the skids, (it was like I had this check list) and got stuff out. Oh I didn't blather on about the past 5 years... I just stated my rights and don't f... with them I will not tolerate it anymore. I was so sick of feeling like I was the only one really trying to get through this and at the very least establish respectful boundries. So after all this I broke out in such hives that I looked like I had the measles (prior had hives for one full year) I took two doses of allegra for three days and I have not had a hive since!!! Nearly 5 months. Xanax... five months- 1/2 of one pil. That's not to say that there are not days when a glass of wine turns into three or four. Overall I feel waaay better, I am still not my "old self", but I don't think I will ever be- this change of lifestyle has changed me and everyone in our famly. My Dh has noticed a huge improvement, which is comforting. Because like you Bonus, I do not want to lose my mind and there are daze that I have felt dangerously close.

BTW I feel for you I would not put up with DH hanging out at the ex's house for visitation--even if it is just playing video games. I would suggest that the kids play enough video games and he shuold spend time with them doing something else. Could they come over to your place --you leave for a girls night out- and they work on a project-- dad teach sons a skill-- fix a car, change oil, eat pizza, play cards, build a model... I dont know... anything but over THERE???

Anonymous's picture

I thought I was the only one who hated being a stepmom! For eight years I've put up with SD's attitude and rudeness and now she wonders why I never want to have a conversation with her. All of our lives we've heard about the "wicked step mother" but no one ever talks about the wicked step kids. I realize they are just children but let's face it, kids can be manipulative and my SD is.
I faked far too long until, I too, exploded on her mother. She very rarely comes around anymore and when she does I suddenly find things to do around the house so I don't have to interact with her. Sounds terrible, I know, but I just can't win when it comes to her. I know my husband feels bad about this but I just don't know what to do anymore.

Bonus Wife's picture

Persephone, my hubby can have his teens come over every weekend, all summer long, anytime they want and have an absoulte ball! (I converted my attic for his daughter with two beds (One for her and any friend, she has a TV, a couch..typical teen rec room! For the son, I put away my vintage doll collection and gave him that room and I put in a built in pool in our yard.)

This is the deal: The kids live 2 hours away from us. However, DH still works in their town..Yes he commutes to and from work every day, 2 hours each way. So, once a week he likes to go to their house and see the kids in their "natural environment" to just hang out and watch TV....it's the way life is supposed to be with your kids. He said taking them out to dinner is not the same. The ex is not home but even if she was...she's his friend, not an evil person.

My point is: YOU ARE DIVORCED and REMARRIED. These are they playbook rules now. He thinks I dont' want him there cause it's the house he shared with her, blah, blah...which has some truth but I don't want him there cause he doesn't belong there anymore....he belongs having a relationship with his kids at OUR house. I just don't know what to do anymore. If I tell him he can't, he resents me..If he keeps going, I resent him. I guess therapy is in order. Hubby wants his cake and he wants to eat it too and because Ex still loves him, she lets him do anything. Do I have to pray that the ex gets a man and HE puts his foot down about this?

Anonymous's picture

People that are not in a blended situaton say to me, 'Well, you knew that he had kids before you got involved'. Yes, we do know that our new spouses had children BUT I think the problems lies in the fact that we did not realise how many problems that these children would be able to cause. It really is too bad that before we become involved with these men, that we could not get a glimpise of how our lives would be in a couple of years. I can truly say that if I knew then what I know now, I would of been running in the other direction very very fast.
Good luck, dearheart.