The stuff other family will say!
So the other day I was taking my 80+ grandma to get her hair done and we were chatting on the way just about random stuff. She has always been pretty blunt and just not think before she speaks but it has gotten worse as she is getting older.
We were talking about me traveling this past week and being away and how my mom still wanted to know when I checked into the hotel and was safe. I get she is mom, I also know she does that with me more than my brother for so many reasons, 1) I live near by and see her more often, 2) I am a young woman traveling alone and having to uber from airport to hotel, and 3) I am her youngest and her baby. I roll my eyes and still let her know when I was there but damn woman you do not do this to my brother as much. I am use to it by now.
I tell my gram this and she is like we she is a mother, and proceeded to tell me that I do not understand as I am only a stepmother and I just do not get it. (Insert eye roll here and me being silent till she was done talking.) She went further to say because I did not give labor to my SS I would not get it and that I do not feel as connected with him. (another eye roll and still just nodding). There was a little more.
I did not get mad or snap, I get it she is old and has the old school mentality of it all. I look at her too and think you have been married three times and your stepdaughter lived behind you for years. She has been a stepmom to younger kids and older kids over the years. Hell she technically has step grand kids that she considers her own. he even refers to my stepdad some times as my dad. I swear this woman is losing it in her old age and not connecting all the dots.
The whole thing got that thing going in my head why is that some people really think just because you did not give labor to that child that you could not possibly feel connected to them. I consider my SS my son as many of you know and really would like to make it legal eventually. At this point I look at my life as I have a child because I parent him, I love him, I care for him and provide for him. We have a good relationship and it grows and gets stronger everyday. I can admit that if my SO and I decide to grow our family of course my bond with another child would be different and mean something different. Why is it hard for people to understand that it is possible to have love for a child and connection with a child that is not biologically yours?
I am sure even people who adopt and have one of their own will admit they love their kids equally but the bonds and connections are different.I get not every step parent feels this way and this is a lot of bad stigma for step moms. When is the world going to wise up and understand we as people are capable of all different kinds of emotional connections?
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I've actually noticed a
I've actually noticed a slight difference, it may just be as I present myself. Originally people were all "well you're just a stepmom, you're not a real parent, you don't understand. I stopped hearing it. i don't care what people say. But I don't consider myself a stepparent. I have my skids full time too. And they're my girls. I firmly believe I am a parent and present myself as one. i take care of them, I worry about them, I want them safe and happy, and I'd freeze over he!! to make sure that happens.
No one is going to fully understand, but I've noticed, that the more confident I've grown in my role, and the less I've cared about what others say, the more other people have accepted it. I'm not sure if it's because I don't listen anymore and therefore just don't care what they think, or because I'm carrying myself as a parent and not some random third entity, and so the confidence just spreads to how others see me. But it's better.
I think your grams gets it
I think your grams gets it just fine. As a SM and a BM herself, she gets it. She may not have been that diplomatic, but I also don't think she was out of line. While you may think your feelings are different now, they may not always stay that way. You even acknowledge a connection to any bio you have will be different, so part of you knows grams isn't wrong.
She seems sharp for her age! Maybe she was simply putting you in your place for complaining about your mom acting motherly.
Yep, I can remember the day
Yep, I can remember the day when you used to love your skids "like your own" too. But, they beat that out of you.
I get some skids can do that.
I get some skids can do that. I tried when I was younger with my stepdad but my parents stayed a united front. After being on this site for a while I am not totally convinced that skids are the the problem. It sound more and more like the adults are.
I took a lesson from my mother and stepdad when it came to my situation and laid it out for my SO. They worked as a team and talked to one another and made decisions for me as a couple. There was not well that is my daughter or that is your daughter ever mentioned in my presence. Maybe behind closed doors but not around me. They came at me as a united front. I told my SO that is how I would like to do things as well. He agreed. He makes a parenting decision while I am not around I do not agree with I accept it. When i make a decision that he is not totally on board with he supports me.
Maybe I am wrong but I truly think a lot of problems not all stem from the parents letting a kid rule and putting them totally about their partner.
That is all great in theory..
That is all great in theory... and it is the way that things should be... but don't be completely fooled. There will be times when the rubber meets the road and you will make a decision that he doesn't agree with and he will over-ride you. Or.. there will be something he feels strongly enough about and he will pull out the trump card on you "he's my son and I get the final say.". Right now minor behavioral issues and what to feed him for dinner are pretty innocuous... there will be "bigger fish" later on and this may not work out the way you hope all the time.
I have bios and skids. I
I have bios and skids. I love my skids, but it is much different with my bios. The longer I know my skids the closer I get to them, but it is not the same. Someday if you choose to have a child of your own, you will fully appreciate what your grandmother is saying. Loving another child - a step or close family friend or niece/nephew - is wonderful and beautiful and real. But by no means is it the same as your own child. It just isn't. I would NEVER believe someone who tells me they love their skids just as much as their kids. I would roll my eyes and move on.
I have the opposite problem.
I have the opposite problem. I'm fine with my skids and love them in a sense...but never got to have my own bios.
Was at a party last night, and three different mutual friends asked me how 'the kids' are doing or 'how are your kids?' I die a little inside each time this happens and resist the urge to say that I don't have kids. It happens regularly.
Me too...lol. I know it
Me too...lol. I know it breaks my MIL's heart because I will clarify that I don't have kids or a grandchild because my SD's aren't my bio kids.. and the grandchild isn't my bio right? But it doesn't mean that I don't care about them and that I don't want them to be safe and have nice lives. Truthfully, I probably "love" the younger and "Like" the older one... but I know if I had had a bio that I would have laid my life down for it. I wouldn't lay my life down for my SD's..
I think that's what yoru grandmother is trying to say. The bond with a biological child is much different. Of course, you love your stepson... but I think you would find that you feel a different connection with a biological child.. and it's liable to be vice versa as the child ages. It won't matter if you were the only "mother" he had growing up... if that other mom ever comes back into the picture.. he is likely to have a different opinion... even if she doesn't.. if he knows the truth, you may still hear "you aren't my real mother' and I'm sure it will hurt. Just try to keep that in the back of your mind.
I used to really like my
I used to really like my skids when I first starting dating DH. I really did. I enjoyed being around them, would offer to take them places, do things with them etc. But I can tell you there is no comparison to the love I feel for my BS8. NONE. It's like comparing apples to chimpanzees.
You can 100% love and care about a child you did not birth, but it is simply NOT the same love that you have for a child that you carried, birthed and raised from newborn to adult. It's very hard to explain.. people used to try to explain it to me before I had BS8 and I didn't really get it, but once you birth a child, you will understand.
I think you are confusing
I think you are confusing what your grandmother said with loving a kid that's not your own and parenting a kid that's not your own. Birthing a kid does not magically make you a great parent. We see that around this site on a daily basis! As a step mom, I PARENTED both skids far better than either of their mothers (or DH for that matter) ever did. But no way did I love them as much as their mothers did. And of course there are always those strange birds of mothers who simply walk away like your SS's BM did. I really have no explanation for that. Sometimes I think maybe people just aren't wired properly to be loving parents?? Who knows?
I agree with so much of what
I agree with so much of what you just said. My situation is not that common. I see that on this site. Many have crappy crazy BM's that will pop in and out. SS's just walked away and still not sure why.
My grandmother was saying I did not understand the way my mom felt about me traveling and checking in because SS is not my bio kid. She pretty much said I do not worry about SS like a real mom would. I worry about SS plenty, when he goes to his Aunt over night, when he is with my parents, no I do not check in usually because he is nine and I trust them.
I called everyday I was gone and I talked to SO and asked to speak with SS and talk to him about all his stuff. I fully get giving birth to a child will be completely different. I think I will still worry about him the same.
It is a whole new level of
It is a whole new level of worry and concern when it is your child. I worry constantly for ALL the kids, but my feelings are hardwired when it comes to my bios. I would swear to you I can sense their pain, worry, fear, excitement, etc, from a hundred miles away. I want what is best for ALL my kids (kids and skids) and I have paid good money all over the place for all kids equally, but it really is different with your own. The connection -- the bond -- EVERYTHING is just different.
My SM has a bio son (he has
My SM has a bio son (he has since passed away), 2 step daughters (my sister and I) and an adopted daughter she has raised since she was a few months old. My SM once said the love that she has for her bio child is way more then the love for her other children (step and adopted). She said there is just something different about the love you have for your bio child.
I can agree it is different,
I can agree it is different, that I can understand. I think you mom would say she would put her life on the line for her bio and adoptive, and I think some people feel that way about their skids too.
A different connection a different bond a different love. I think they can all be very equally strong (in some situations).
Connections come from bonding
Connections come from bonding by spending time together, getting to know each other, and letting love between you grow.
Connections do not come from having been the hotdog in the hallway.
I feel connected t osome of my counsins, because we were encouraged as children to play together etc... others of my cousins, we are not connected, despite being the same age, because we did not see each other as much and when we did, did not spend as much time together.
Blood isn't everything, it just gives connections a hormonal advantage.