Ex-wife Drama
I see alot of blogs about step-children. I have 4 step-children. The boy is 8, 3 girls 7,4,2. I really don't have issues with my step-kids. They are 95% well mannered and good for me. My husbands first wife, left him for another man. When that didn't work out much for her, she just loads these kids around without a care in the world.
My husband and I have been married 2 yrs and together 1 yr. I came encounter with her when she was on his facebook. I had posted something along the lines of how much I miss you, cannot wait to see you. She posted of how much he is a player, blah, blah... I felt like I was in high school all over again. Really, you are in your mid 20s and you act like a high schooler. After, she found out we were getting married, she blew up my husbands phone telling him its not fair that he moved on without her, when she really divorced him and left him for another man. She cried on the phone how can you do this to me, we were supposed to do this together...?
I felt sorry for her... Because she screwed up and he moved on. Later down the road, I figured since they have kids together maybe I can be on somewhat talking terms with her. That way if something happened to her kids in my care I knew how to contact each one of them if my husband couldn't come asap. Logically, you would think great idea for the kids sake. She opened up to me, how much she wanted my husband except the baggage carried. She wanted the look of him, and would settle if she found a look alike, kinda creepy if you ask me?? I laughed it off and didn't think nothing of it... However, she started asking me for favors and when I declined, she wouldn't talk to me, but blew up my husbands phone because she was pissed off at me for not doing what she asked, then turn around and act BI-Polar the next day... Well, I finally had enough. I cut all contact with her and told her we couldn't become friends. Instead of telling her why, I just didn't respond to her. She doesn't take critizisms well.
At that time period, she lived an hour 15 mins away. My husband and I learned that she had not been waking the 2 older ones up and get them ready for school. We found out she had 2 truencies and soon to have a 3rd one. By the time that one was in place, she moved 2 1/2s in a half away. She refuses to update her address for him to send her CS. They have agreed upon decree in their divorce. Instead, she files through the state she is in for MORE CS. She leaves state, refuses an address, and wants to up CS, and running from 3 Truencies... SMH.
We receive a call from her 1am a few weeks ago, telling my husband her car broke down an hour away. She was going to a friends house and she had 2 out of the 4 kids with her, and wanted to know if my husband can come get her so she can sleep at our house or take her back home where she lives in TN? Can you really, really believe that??? Of course my husband declined that, thankfully... I really thought he was going too. Instead buys her a hotel because she goes on a road trip with no money. Out of all people she calls her ex-husband, but she couldn't call her friend that she was going to her house. The next morning, she asks my husband since her car broke down can I use the extra vehicle you and your wife have? Like again, are you serious?!
So, I ask him.. Why?? Why does she depend on you? You two are NOT married anymore. Can you ever say NO to her and drop it? His answer was, as long as she doesn't have my kids with her then the answer is NO. But because my children are with her, the saftey of them is in the back of my head. Which yes I understand, but this isn't the first scenario either. I just have given recent or stories that wouldn't make you crap a brick. He always has an excuse for why he does it. Or why she does it back. I know she loves him and wants him back. Her expressions and her determination of trying to do so is widely open. But she expects my husband to drop everything for her.. Sometimes he does it. I am not jealous of her.
My issue is that, I married him, not him and her. I know I am a 2nd marriage, but do you see me stuck up my ex's butt? Do you see me asking for him to fix my car, let me stay at your house.. etc? No, why, because we aren't together. We have a child together, but if not about the child then do not call me or message me. You are a big boy, you can take care of yourself.
I wish my husband had the same brain I have when it came to that. But he doesn't! HE doesn't because she takes off with his kids and sometimes doesn't let him see his kids unless its at convience for her. I love my husband, and I know he loves his kids. But Damn, I need some kind of end to this... Will it ever end?
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Comments
Yes!!! Exactly.
Yes!!! Exactly.
Of course the situations when
Of course the situations when her lack of common sense happen when she has the kids. Your man has taught her that is when he'll come to her rescue like a white knight. This gives her a sense of connection to him, so the situations are going to keep happening.
I agree that he needs to sort out what is about the kids and what is about her. If he is going to do anything when she calls for help, it should just be for the kids. If she's stuck on the side of the road with no money, he can go and pick up the kids and leave her there to solve her own problem as she is an adult who is fully capable of that. Maybe if he was feeling generous he could bring her the number of a tow company and the address of a nearby motel.
Our BM used to pull this sort of thing. She is severely lacking in the common sense necessary to prevent problems so it was also never ending. I don't think she wants him back; she just wants to check if he's still there for her.
An example: one Sunday morning, when we were still in bed, SOs phone starts ringing and receiving texts. Next there is pounding on his door. Bleary eyed, he goes to answer it. It's BM. She had driven nearby his house to walk her dog and her car wouldn't start. She thought it was the battery and he "had the jumper cables." Like, the marital jumper cables that she still feels entitled to rather than acting as a single adult with common sense who should make sure she has her own set. To make things more confusing for SO, she needs to go pick up their daughter from sports practice. So BM expects him to help her with her car "for the kid."
SO went out and tried to jump her car. No luck. I learn all of this when he comes back inside to get dressed so he can go get SD. I let him go, and when he gets back I calmly asked him what two parents who were fully emotionally separate would do? He would choose to only meet the need of his kid, which would entail wishing BM luck and going to pick up SD.
As long as your guy continues to save BM from herself, this will never end. Helping his kids while making it clear that she is responsible for herself would quickly bring this to an end. If she's on the side of the road with the kids, him driving out and getting the kids while leaving her to take care of herself would have been the way to bring the manipulation tactic to a close.
Your guy needs to recognize that BM is manipulating him, and be cold and businesslike with her. I hope he's comfortable with that and not hung up on appearing like a "nice guy." Nice guys are the perfect targets of manipulative women, and that is why BMs behavior persists.
Another goal is to cause conflict between the two of you. She knows you will be unhappy with him rescuing her. I hope he sees that too, and changes his ways. He can keep his kids safe and stop this dependence on him very easily. All it takes is reacting differently to BM than he has done in the past.
Oh I know. I have asked him
Oh I know. I have asked him and asked him. I have told him, my sons BD doesn't even do that. If nots about our son, we do not contact each other. You made your own decisions, get yourself out. But this is putting a LARGE Strain on my marriage and to be honest I don't know how much longer I am going to put up with it.
His excuse for her is, she depended on me when we first got together, after we got married, and now that we are divorced she is now seeing how difficult it is to have no one. So she calls me, I don't always help her, but as long as she has my kids in the car, I will not turn her down.
I am like, and she knows this, thats why she continues to put herself in stupid situations. I don't understand why you cannot put your foot down.
Unfortunately, I do not want them full time. I have little patience for them. They are well behaved kids, don't get me wrong, however they know I am just a step parent, when they don't get their way, hell breaks loose.
Thank you ladies for all the support. I came across this site when I was venting on google to see if I was crazy stepmom going through drama, and gladly I am not. This site and everyone's troubles are just like mine. I am not happy about it, but glad I can feel like I can talk to someone that understands my emotions/feelings.