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Confirm what I know…he defends BM

Misstepped's picture

I find myself questioning more and more if he still secretly loves her. She cheated so many times over the time they were together, even with his mates and lied everytime. He believed her, but the last time she hooked up with a mate she left him for the guy. Over the time we have been together whenever it's come up he jumps to her defence. Examples:

- about cheating with his mate "yeah but Tim probably had a crack at her"

- about attempting to cheat with his other mate who declined her offer "you never know though, she reckons it was Brad that made the moves and I wouldn't put it past him"

- I say anything not so nice about her his response is always "she's not a s***though"

If we argue about the fact that he does whatever she demands, runs around whenever she tells him to pick the kids up, the argument always ends with him telling me I just have it in for her. The other day he told a mutual friend that I was the problem and BM has done absolutely nothing wrong"

To me it sounds like he loves her still. He says he doesn't defend her and that he only does what she says because he can't be bothered dealing with her drama. But then he has to deal with me?

lieutenant_dad's picture

Love and guilt look very similar. It's hard to accept that you were dumb enough to stay with someone like that, and even harder to accept that you reproduced with them. And if they cheated on you, you'll want to make excuses about their behavior so you don't feel like they really meant to hurt you as badly as they did.

I won't discount that he could be in love with her, but I've personally found that love fades at lot faster than guilt. Guilt really wiggled deep and latches on.

There are two ways to approach this. First is to not bring up her past "excursions" when it's not relevant to the situation. If she effs up something, sometimes silence and not giving your DH an emotional outlet to process it gets the point across. 

"DH, this has no impact on you or I, so I don't want to talk about it."

Or...

"DH, I am not surprised by this behavior, but as it doesn't affect me, I don't see the need to discuss it."

The second is to tell DH that he doesn't get to police your reactions to things that impact you and your household. Let's say, for example, that BM just drops the SKs off on a random Friday when you all have plans on Saturday. You're allowed to be upset. You're allowed to express that. When DH starts in with "but she didn't have any other option...":

"DH, stop right now. Her behavior has now affected my life, and I'm upset by that. I'm allowed to be upset by that. I'm also upset that instead of offering comfort to me, your wife, you're offering excuses to the person who upset me. I am not in a state where I want advice and opinions, I want comfort. You want to discuss this with me later when I'm not feeling emotional about it? Fine. But right now you're being a piss-poor husband to me and I'd rather not see you right now."

At a calmer time, you can explain to him that he will not police your feelings. He can feel however he wants towards BM's shenanigans, but his objective should be to prevent her crazy from impacting you. If he can't or won't do that, or he argues that you just only want to see the bad in her, walk out of the room and consider whether you want to remain married to an a-hole who can't seem to grasp keeping his wife happy.

Misstepped's picture

Thank you for this other perspective, and for the suggestions on how to approach it. He definitely starts the conversations about her most of the time, so next time I will try that. 

Cookieboom's picture

When BM was pregnant with DS, she told BF, “You know, this IS your baby.”  BF didn’t think that was an odd thing to say…Who says that?????

BM cheated on BF with a married man (who is STILL married) They had an affair for about six years off and on. He finally moved out of the state with his wife.  When they were still married he found phone records of BM spending hours upon hours on the phone her BF.  He said he didn’t have the courage to confront her.  When her BF went back to his wife one time she tearfully told BF, “You know, I never cheated on you with him.”  BF (Like an idiot) tells her that he believed her.  Who says that?????

I found an email in which BF alerted BM that her BF’s wife had reached out to him a few times, once calling and once showing up at his work.  BM freaked out writing, “OMG what does she want? What is her game plan? Does she know about BF and I? I’m scared for my safety and that of our son!!” My BF assured her that he would protect her/SS and he told BF’s wife that he has no interest in meeting her and if she doesn’t leave him alone he will have her arrested for stalking. OK you’re supporting an adulterer????

I know that BF does not love BM, but he has said in the past, "You don't know the hold she has on me."  I was upset that he would argue with me but kissed her butt and would let her scream at him in public and not say a peep to her.  The therapist said that he feels safe with me, was abused/brainwashed by her and has to learn to say no to her. 

He thought that if he kissed her butt she would not take SS away from him.  But that was a fallacy.  He no longer defends her.  Unfortunately, it took her having him arrested and taking SS away from him for a year for him to realize what I was saying.  

Rumplestiltskin's picture

This sounds crazy, but the more i talked bad about BM2 (never in front of the kids), the more i felt he defended her. But - he's so hung up on "beating" her, that if i praised something she did, he would then say something bad about her. I just don't bring her up anymore or if she comes up, i just say something noncommital. There are clearly unresolved feelings. Whether it's love, guilt, control, or what - i can't say. In any case, it sucks. It would be a whole lot better if everyone got over all their emotional issues with their exes *before* starting a new relationship! 

Hannah32's picture

I have a partner who does this too. Defends BMs shitty actions, like being 4 hours late to drop off the kids. When I have a go at him for defending her he says it's 'to try and see her perspective'. I told him straight once that all I need him to do is say 'yeah I know it's really annoying isn't it' instead of 'yeah but she...' I once accused him of still loving her over all this, although I really struggle to see how someone could love someone who told him his kids hate coming to visit him. 
I call my partner out on it every time he does it now, usually with a 'just listen to yourself'