can there be a nuclear family if dh has kids from a previous relationship?
Ok another blog got me thinking. When I married my DH who has 2 DDs, I gave up the idea of having a nuclear family. I adopted the view that my family is and would always be "blended."
I do not see how I can view the family I create with DH as a "nuclear" unit, I think it breeds competition. I can only see my family as a blended one because it includes 2 SDs from a previous marriage.
What are your thoughts? How do you view this topic and why?
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I think that the way a mother
I think that the way a mother feels for her children is indescribable and only a mother knows it. Nothing else will ever compare to the love a mother has for her child. A SM can like her skids or love them but either way it will never compare to the way she feels about the child that she carried inside her and gave birth to. Blended families yes but there is still that difference.
ok, clarification. i don't
ok, clarification. i don't mean how i view the kids. it's how i view MY family. nuclear is the family that i create with my DH it's the "ours" family. blended is the family that includes the "ours" and the "his" together.
at this point (with no "ours" to complicate things) i cannot view my family as not including SDs in it, even though we only get them EOW.
It may be different for you
It may be different for you because you don't have children yet and when you do they will be adding to the family you have now. I had a family before I married DH so I still feel the difference of my family, his family, and OUR family together.
Hmmmm. I view MY nuclear
Hmmmm. I view MY nuclear family as my 3 bios and dh. I dont include ss in that even though he's now living here. I do include him in my larger view of family-sorta like I include my bro, sis in law, and their kids. There is a relation there, they are a type of family-but they do not have the same significance to me as my own bios and dh.
see...this is where I differ.
see...this is where I differ. i'm saying i don't ever think i'll have a "nuclear" family because there are steps.
i know that the feelings i have toward children i raise from birth (i'm infertile and will never have bios, can give birth but they will not be "biologicaly" mine) will be different however when i think of my "family" it will ALWAYS include my steps and therefore it is a blended family and not a nuclear one and it NEVER will be, unless the steps die.
naw...it was fun
naw...it was fun
To me A nuclear family is mom
To me A nuclear family is mom dad and their kids or the family unit living at home together. Me and my bios and my bios will be a nuclear family if we marry, that's just me. Our blended family is all of us. If he had custody we would All be a family .
My blended family IS my
My blended family IS my nuclear family.
so everyone is considered
so everyone is considered equally and treated with deference? this is what i want. i in no way want my bios (using the term loosely) or my skids to feel like i prefer the other.
i understand that not everything can be fair, but once you enter into a step family situation you lose the right to say this is MY family with DH and this is HIS family with skids...but i hear that sort of stuff on hear all the time.
we are a FAMILY, even crappy skids are part of it.
i know you have a difficult sd...do you still consider her as much of your family as your bios or sd from your previous marriage even though she is very difficult and nasty toward you?
You lose the right to say
You lose the right to say this is MY family? Are you being serious? lol Sorry, but my family is my son and my DH while we are married only. My DH's daughter is HIS daughter...and just that.
Its hard to have this
Its hard to have this conversation with someone who doesnt have their own kids yet. Sorry Ashee, I feel very much the same as herewegoagain, SD doesnt make us not a family, but we are VERY much a family WITHOUT her.. and to be honest, often times when she she is here, I feel like its him with his kids from different moms and IM the outsider..
Actually, I'm very serious.
Actually, I'm very serious. But in this area my experience rests more on my experience as a stepkid in 2 blended families. All my parents created such a great and deferant situation for us.
I know it's hard to take my pov seriously as I'm still pretty new at this and don't have my own kids yet. But I appreciate hearing everbody's side.
This is what I had in my
This is what I had in my blended family. But all parents were involved, my BD, SD, BM and SM. I want to create this kind of close healthy family for my kids and my skids.
But my SDs are getting alot of PAS from their BM and I am worried SD10 esp. is going to be a nightmare.
I agree, I think if people wouldn't directly point out the difference between the steps and bios and just try to meld it would be a lot less stress.
thanks for the post!
Thanks, mazzy you made some
Thanks, mazzy you made some points I hadn't considered before!
Im going the other route with
Im going the other route with this.. not so much 'by definition' but more so 'how it feels'.
From the get-go, if you have the desire to have a family separate from the 'DH and his SDs from his 'broken' family', making this known will very much so make it so you ARE able to have this 'nuclear family'.
Before my FDH and I had our son, I very much embraced SD and the activities that we did with her. The EOWe REVOLVED around her existence 100%, every holiday REVOLVED around her, and every family gathering REVOLVED around her. Do you honestly think its ok for that to continue when you add more children?
I changed my work schedule when we moved in-together so when FDH has SD and I am at work. This created their 'them time' as well as kept the other weekends open for us to get-away and be kid free (this is before BS of course).
I made it known the very first xmas, that we will be doing a family picture without SD. That every year, I will want my family picture, with me and my FDH and our kid(s). I think I am allowed to have that. I also made it so where SD no longer gets santa 2x and holidays no longer only exist because of her.
In the end its all how you want it. If you only want the earth to spin when SDs can be there, then thats up to you, but I refuse for my BS and future kids to think we can only do fun things when SD appears. We just went on our first family vacation, without SD, and we will go on many more, without her.
I very much so agree with an above poster, skids are VERY much different from bios. I know/remember how I felt when I met SD, she was barely 18 months, (my son is now 14mo). I LOVED her, she was so much fun, I loved taking her places, etc, etc. But the love for your own is SOO different. Just like my mom always told me, you just wont know that feeling until you have you own.
i get what you are saying.
i get what you are saying. but i wonder if there is a balance? the weekends we have the girls and holiday's definitely revolve around them in a way that is off balance for sure right now. i can't imagine not doing fun things with my bio except every other weekend. and if an opportunity for a holiday happens and steps can't go it might be hard to convince dh to go but it might be doable.
thanks for sharing your experiences!
I had to check to see how old
I had to check to see how old your SDs are. 9 and 7, is very much different from my SD4.
I do believe there is a balance, because SDs live doesnt stop when she leaves. She goes places and does things with BM (and honestly if she sat in her room 24/7, its not our responsibility to make up for that). My BS will not sit here for 2 weeks till SD arrives for something fun to happen. Xmas wont happen the day after this year, and the day before next year, or the weekend after the year after. We just cant sit around and wait!
I understand you do that before bios, because the action happens when they come, and thats ok when they are it, but when they arent it, it cant work that way.
I made such a huff and puff about this first year (BS just turned 1), and made sure that our routine changed right way, not later on when he knows that its xmas or halloween, but NOW the first year, the first time.
Its very likely that we will have 1 more kid, and I just refuse for SD to think that she is THAT important that me, FDH and our kids, just sit here and wait for her arrival. Not happening.
This sounds very much like
This sounds very much like the step family I grew up in. And it was almost ideal. I truly envy your relationship with the bm, it makes things so much easier on everyone.
I think because I grew up in this environment I want to pass it on to my family including the skids.
But reading most the other posters it seems once there is a bio things just change and maybe the difference between how we feel about the bios and skids is so different you can't help but begin to see the skids as outsiders. I don't really know...but I hope to find out.
Congrats btw.
Everybody's situation is
Everybody's situation is different. For me, my nuclear family are my bios and my DH. Before our first son was born, I was very much against calling SD my son's sister and very negative/wary about the situation. She changed her attitude about DH and I having children, and has very much been acting like family toward our son and next son-to-be. Thanks to her attitude, I've changed my tune and don't mind referring to her as my son's sister, but she's really more like an aunt than a regular sibling. (She's 20, he's 11 months). She has never lived with us, and isn't around often, so I think that factors into how the whole family is considered. As long as SD treats my children lovingly, I'm not going to deny my children another family figure, regardless of how convoluted it is.
you're funny. Thanks, I
Thanks, I hadn't thought that the unit might be broken up into sub units. But that's interesting.
I have a nuclear family with
I have a nuclear family with DH and our bios who live with us full time. Skids are here maybe once a month and some holidays. They are visitors in our home. They come for a couple of days to be entertained, get presents and request $$ or to be taken shopping.
My bios are here all the time. The four of us (DH, me & 2 bios) have routines and lives that the skids have no part in. Sports, music lessons, scouts and clubs that we share in as a family. We have chores and errands that all 4 of us do to keep the house running.
One example, 2 years ago we built a patio, fire pit and rock water fountain in the backyard with a garden surrounding the perimeter. We spent a week of hard labor getting it done over spring break. Skids stayed in their bedrooms the entire time. My bios, just 11 and 8 then, hauled rocks & pavers in a wheelbarrow, planted flowers and shrubs, watered the plants, and even made meals so DH and I could keep working. The only time we saw skids the entire weekend was when they shouted from the backdoor to ask what was for dinner. they ignored all requests to help but sure wanted to invite their friends when we had the first cookout. Some people have fair weather friends others have fair weather families.
Thanks everyone for
Thanks everyone for responding. I really appreciate hearing your perspective!
thanks so much for your post!
thanks so much for your post! i really appreciate the male's perspective. i know this is how my dh feels about his girls and any that we would bring into the fold together too.