SD29 is Pregnant
Last night was SD29 and SSILs joint 30th birthday party. I thought it was a little weird since their birthdays are not until later in the month and now we know why. At the party they made the announcement that SD is pregnant and they are expecting a baby in September.
It was a huge affair at some party space they rented out, with about 80 of their friends and family there (adults only, so no DDs). We were invited, much to the delight of DH, and RSVP'ed yes. As we got closer to the party I got more and more anxious about spending an evening with BM, I get so uncomfortable around her even though plenty of our family would be there too. I was also conveniently getting over a bad cold and still feeling a little under the weather so DH went without me.
DDs were at a sleepover so I planned on relaxing with some TV and wine. After 2 glasses, I texted DH to see how the party was going but he didn't respond. I texted SIL and she replied back that the party was "AMAZING" and she was sorry I wasn't feeling well. Curiosity got the better of me so I searched for the party hashtag that was in the evite. Once I started I couldn't stop and hit refresh for over 5 hours to view the stream of party pics and videos and comments. Around hour 2 the announcement was made. I was surprised, to say the least. When we were pregnant we told our parents and family long before we made a public announcement. DH didnt say anything to me before the party, which means he had no idea.
Baby signs and props were added to the photo booth and even more pictures started coming through from the party. Including one with DH and BM hugging, and another one of them both kissing SD's cheeks, and one with them and all of the skids. DH did not even take 5 minutes to call me after the announcement and share the news, he just kept celebrating, and made a toast.
Grandbabies are supposed to be happy and exciting additions to families, but in a blended family it's complicated. I'm apprehensive more than anything. DH came home at 2am so happy and excited to share the great news with me. His phone died and he thought I would be asleep when he got home and would have to wait until morning to tell me.
He can't begin to see that for me this is not entirely positive. I'm thinking of our DDs, who weren't even invited to the skids weddings - does he think the skids will consider them aunts to this baby? Does he think any of the skids will let me be 'Grandma' to their future children? That will be all the more glaring since their stepfather, who they are very close to, has already picked his grandpa name. I'm sure DH has visions of SD dropping the baby off here so we can play doting grandparents. I doubt that baby will visit our home at all the first year or two. Maybe I'm imagining things will be worse than they will be, but I'm realistic enough to know that grandchildren may very well highlight and widen the divide between our families instead of bring the two halves closer. I'm afraid grandkids will be another tool that lets skids have a relationship with DH on their terms and no one elses, and it means there will never be another family gathering the skids have that doesn't include BM.
As I read your post, I was
As I read your post, I was really struck by how easily people just go about their business. No one is really evil, but people are getting hurt anyway.
What I imagine was the most hurtful was this: "He can't begin to see that for me this is not entirely positive."
It must be tough to feel pushed into a role that someone else wrote.
It won't be long before I
It won't be long before I will also be travelling down this same street. SD26 is getting married this Fall and has already told her father that they intend to start working on a baby right away.
I feel the same as you; since I have no relationship with SD nor the soon-to-be SSIL I know there is absolutely no role for me in the equation.
The only positive is that we will be moving cross-country in the next few months, so at least any gskids which will be produced won't be part of our day-to-day life.
I'm quite sure that BM will be ecstatic, especially since SSIL's mother is dead and his father is absent. She gets to play the SOLE role of grandparent, and will be thrilled to the hilt to have that spotlight to herself.
BM PASd the skids so that she was ultimately the only parent anyway (their father doesn't count) so it stands to reason this is how it will unfold.
Although he says he really doesn't like babies I do know my SO will probably enjoy being a grandfather, albeit a long-distance one, especially when the gskid(s) get a bit older.
I have already resigned myself to the fact that I will be no more than the woman who lives with grandfather. And I'm keeping my heart and resources in check. Any gskids will have to be cute children who I consider belonging strangers, because that's all they will ever be to me.
Someone else's pregnancy is
Someone else's pregnancy is not that important in my life. I wish anyone well in their journey to parenthood. I do not want anyone to have a bad experience.
And this has nothing to do with someone being a step.
And while I do not wish anyone ill will I certainly do not have any vested interest in what happens.