What spouses tell & show each other
Ana's blog got me to thinking about this.
I don't need or want to know every single thing about SDs and what they say and do to/with dh. He doesn't tell me all that. I'm fine with that. I'm sure there's stuff they'd rather only he know. He's really the only parent they have although bm is alive.
He doesn't tell me every single minute detail about bm either. I know about the huge stuff and stuff that impacts me.
I don't care if sks rip me to shreds to dh as long as he listens to them, tries to help them and insists they treat me respectfully. When he was NCP the opposite approach was taken and it really hindered us all. He wouldn't tell me about that because there's peace in our house and we don't want to ruin it. He'd instead help the SDs work through their feelings. If they were adults, he still wouldn't tell me so some peace could be kept between me and SDs. He'd instead encourage them to vent to a counselor and friends. Most people don't want a sp. I get that 1000%.
This is the approach dh and I came up with and it has worked out beautifully. We both think it has really helped SDs feel more comfortable in getting to know me and more comfortable in going to their dad for help with problems. Maybe that's why so many sks don't talk to their dads when they have problems-they know the SM gets told everything and it's stuff they just don't feel comfortable with SM knowing, and/or they don't want sm getting involved at all. They may just want to solve their problems with the help of their bioparents. And maybe BMs feel similarly. Some of us have these kids all the time. However, many do not. Some don't see their sks at all. We didn't create these kids with bm. I was a ncp sm. If dh was talking to bm I'd want to know about it and the issue they were discussing but I didn't need to know the nitty gritty.
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Like I said in my post to
Like I said in my post to Ana's blog -- most stuff, I really don't care to hear about whether it involves SK's or BM. The only time I need/want to know anything is if it has the potential to affect this home, finances, this family (read: me, DD15 and DS13).
"I think Id rather the kids
"I think Id rather the kids tell their dad what their issues are with me and then work through it with dad than be told every little bad or mean thing said. Now Id expect him to not just sit there and nod his head if they are saying "Chokinonlemons/apples is a fat stupid bitch and I don't want to hear anything that ugly moron has to say!"
Same here.
In my case, FDH and I are a
In my case, FDH and I are a united front and we share everything with eachother regarding our kids and our ex's and that works for us.
Will I handle things that FDH should handle regarding his kid? NO. Will I tell skid that I know his business that he shared with his father? NO. FDH keeps me in the loop because ultimately what affects him, affects me and our household one way or another. Do I cringe and get angry about some of the things I see and hear regarding skid/bm? YES. But I still want to know what is going on. I don't want there to be anything that FDH and I don't share or communicate to eachother. But we will take care of our own respective ex's and kids seperately but will seek advice, guidance and support from eachother in doing so.
IMO, my spouse can tell me
IMO, my spouse can tell me whatever he wants and vice versa that is our business. I do think if it is serious or anything that could/would directly concern me or our home/family/relationship I expect him to share it with me.
My adult children tell me things I don't tell DH because it is not necessary and doesn't affect him. Some things they will say you can tell SD but not anyone else.
If SS tells DH things that are private (concerning hisself) I understand and do not expect DH to discuss with me those things. Some things I probably don't want to know. If SS is griping about me I expect DH to listen to his concerns/feelings and shut down any nonsense. If DH chooses to discuss anything with me because he would like another pov, etc that is OUR business.
BM is a different story.
As I said on another blog I may have a jaded pov, but I expect DH to inform me of any interactions with BM. I trust DH but not BM and I can see her trying to cause problems in our marriage. So I feel it is necessary to keep an open dialog about all things concerning her.
DH deals with BM, I don't nor do I want to. But in OUR situation it is best that she has very little contact with DH outside of me. She has tried to demand private conversations with DH to discuss SS's problems with me. I feel like if SS has problems with me or anything else he can talk to his dad his self.
She has gotten DH on the phone and exploded about the things she doesn't like about me or our way of handling SS and other things regarding him or contact with her. IMO, she does not have the right.
We handle things in our home she can handle hers. We handle our relationship the best we know how she can handle hers.
The one thing I have learned about SParenting is that all things do not work for all people. Each situation is different and must be handled accordingly.
I know everything but at the
I know everything but at the same time we don't have problems with the skids. We don't have problems with bm much any more either. Most of the time it is just when to drop off and puck up, or like the other day bm's van was wreaked so she couldn't pick up and we dropped them off. I even tried to let dh and ss17 have some alone time but they both wanted me to go to the movie with them so I went.
But I do think that most of the things that impact the spouse should be shared period and I don't think privacy is something that spouses should have with their exes if they are remarried. Of course it is different if you don't want to know the details of everything no big deal but for the spouse to keep it all private NO WAY! Not cool! And no they should have private meetings either. I wouldn't do that to my dh and he wouldn't do that to me.
"So on the topic of our
"So on the topic of our girlfriends, are we obligated to tell our husbands everything they tell us in confidence?"
I don't think so, and I don't think our husbands should be obligated to tell us everything our sks, grown or minor, tell us in confidence.
I feel that if my kid of any
I feel that if my kid of any age hated someone, or even just couldn't warm to them, I'd want to give them suggestions to help them work through it so they could improve things with that person (if said kid came to me with that issue). I wouldn't want them to hate anyone, or not care for someone to the point that it was really weighing on them, so if they came to me I'd talk with them and probably tell them they should find a psychiatrist (adult) or find them a psychiatrist and try to find out if they've got something clinical and/or another issue going on (minor).
If your son came to you and said "Mom, I'm having trouble getting along with dh" or "mom, I am having a hard time warming up to dh," what would you say/do?
"That never happened and
"That never happened and never will. My son does not have to struggle to be a good person."
And not loving/liking everyone in one's life, SP or not, doesn't make someone a bad person. If people don't like me, that doesn't automatically make them bad people. It doesn't matter if they're my SKs or the President.
I'd rather people admit they have these issues and seek help to deal with them and overcome them than pretend everything is ok.
Agreed. I always stop BF's
Agreed. I always stop BF's daughter when she starts mocking or complaining about her mother. Not in a mean way, but I tell her that it's not respectful and she won't do it in my home. She stops no drama. I don't care for how her mother acts but I refuse to get a kick out of her bad mouthing her. That and at some point in time these kids will learn how the world deals with people, it can be taught at home with love or by the world who doesn't care.
"It's not teaching a kid how
"It's not teaching a kid how to be a decent person by allowing and even encouraging them to spew their nasty thoughts about another person....totally unjustified."
So if they do have those nasty thoughts, how do you think they should be gotten rid of for minors? How do you think they should be gotten rid of for adults?
>>>If your son came to you
>>>If your son came to you and said "Mom, I'm having trouble getting along with dh" or "mom, I am having a hard time warming up to dh," what would you say/do?<<<<
To me, being approached like this is WAY different than a (s)kid just spewing ugly all over the place.
In fact, once upon a time my kids DID come to me and pretty much say that exact same thing about my DH. And the three of us (DD, DS, and I) talked about it, then we talked about it with DH.
But if there was ever a moment that my kids didn't address the issue constructively and started throwing around nasty? They'd be shut down in a heartbeat and they know it.