Moving on
I know this is a topic that comes up all the time on this site when discussing exes. I felt that bm had difficulty moving on from dh (I don't get why as she cheated on him).
When I think about the situations bm thrust us in, and read blogs here, it brings to mind a lot of thoughts. One is that I don't think these women want their exes back. At least some don't. That said, I have exes I definitely don't want back, and am just done with. And when I say "done," I mean it. I don't want to see or speak to these people ever again. I can't help but think a lot of BMs feel the same way about our partners. They might not want to see or speak to their exes again-for any reason.
Then there are people who don't want their exes but don't want anyone else to have them either.
Then there are some who truly are still not over their exes. Maybe some people feel a combination of all three, or two of the three.
I guess my question is, how does one "move on" while continuing to deal with the ex as a fellow parent to the children they share? I do think that there are people who've moved on, and are over the ex, but never want any contact with them again, or to see them again. A lot of those people seem to be the exes we write about on this site. For those who have kids with exes, how did you move on from them but accept that you still need to communicate/see each other about the kids and at kid events?
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When my ex walked out
When my ex walked out (blindsided me into infinity) I was incredibly hurt and confused. I had (and to this day) no idea what I did that forced him to make such a dramatic decision that would have such a terrible impact for years to come for his children let alone his wife.
And there was a time I wanted him back and to wake up and find it was all a Dallas-style dream for an entire season. It wasn't. It was real. And yes there were times when I broke down and pleaded with him to come back. Shameful but we all have a moment like that in our lives. And if you haven't, I used up your share
So I resolved to get on with my life. I drew a line in the sand that was a lot further away than necessary. Basically my boundary was around my entire world. He did not want to be part of my world he didn't get to look into it. HE would call to talk to the kids and would try to engage me in conversation (guilt on his part I think) and I would say I had to finish the laundry and hand the phone off to one of our children.
Fast forward 14 yrs. We are both remarried. We are dealing with our older son diagnosed with a mental illness and our DIL walking out with the children and returning to Japan. Yeah, nothing says "I want him better to be the best father he can be..." than taking his kids to another country for who knows how long. Ex lives in Australia, I now live here. We get along. I will wish him Happy Birthday and he will do the same. I posted on FB I had another vertigo attack yesterday and he wished me to get well soon and take it easy. When he had a heart attack I hoped he would heed his Drs advice. My kids love their father and they don't want to bury him anytime soon.
I have NEVER crossed any lines with his wife. She comes first in his world. And even if I wasn't remarried and help a torch for him, I wouldn't cross those lines. I have too much self respect. And my ex actually told my kids that he has my DHs support 100% and whatever DH says it may as well come from ex's mouth.
And maybe that is what it boils down to. Self respect and a modicum of knowing how to behave in public. When we get screaming Banshee women on reality TV and this becomes the acceptable norm then nothing is sacred anymore and demanding or expressing your feelings and not take any prisoners seems to be perfectly OK. Hey you CAN allow your BF to intimidate your ex because he CAN. You can refuse your children to see their father because you want to. You can insist on visiting the house your child is living in half his/her life because you are the MOTHERRRR and really, is it too much to ask???? :? :sick: You CAN stop making CS payments because you want to take a cruise.
Here is another scenario
Here is another scenario where BM HATES DH with a passion worthy of a better cause... but with a twist. She kicked him out after 20 years of marriage and then came out as a lesbian a few months after that, once he was at a safe distance. Not an entirely un-heard-of scenario... however, people without PDs are able to take their partners' feelings into account, and work it out peacefully, even if the marriage had been built on a lie.
But BM hates DH, i think, with such vehemence because he had never walked out on her - no matter how unbearable she made his life. At one point, her BIL was telling DH how horrible BM was. DH never engaged him due to misperceived loyalty? or misguided belief that marriage is forever, or on some level that thoroughly abusive marriage worked for him? He had never given BM any reason to walk out on him ( did not cheat, gamble, drink, etc). So of course she could never forgive him: she had to do the dirty work alone, and to take the blame for the divorce. As a narcissist, she cannot handle any shame. So she managed to still pin it on him in the divorce decree ( before their state passed a No Fault divorce law). Can you believe it? A lesbian said in court documents that her husband refused to be intimate with her, or some such nonsense, so she had to divorce him. It is more like "my husband had a penis, which i found incompatible with my ideas about marriage". I wish he had had the balls to send her packing earlier...
Immediately after that she found a GF, a former alcoholic, who on some level must have sensed what it is BM wants: narcissitic supply for herself, adoration of the skids, money handed over without a peep, total submission. The GF, who is old and ugly, "gets" it: her job it to sing hosanna to her new family and to kiss the ground they walk on. The name of the game is co-dependence. Dysfunction continues.
The witches' coven got witchier. It's an estrogen-saturated cauldron: OSD has been a lesbian for a while, YSD came out in high school, i suspect the next lesbian is the SS, who so far is a-sexual. I would be curious to see how his GF - IF he ever gets one - will be treated. Most likely, burned at the stake.
Good one, Partyof7! So you
Good one, Partyof7! So you could say that all BM's excuses went up in smoke?!
Our BM runs a cult, ruthlessly dealing with dissent. No one is allowed to think or FEEL differently. The skids have always been under tremendous pressure to conform: eat the same diet (certain foods are off limits), dislike certain movies - like The Kids Are Alright, because is shows a lesbian in a politically incorrect position of falling for a guy. That's not permitted!! I remember hearing YSD explaining it thus paying lip service to the Central Committee of the Lesbian Party line and i could not believe it! They are all militant feminists, of course, seeing men as oppressors and the root of all evil. Abusers, they blame the victims for abusing them, that is how it has been in their family for generations. OSD blames DH for her issues with men - i cannot even take it seriously. Perhaps being brought up by a man-hater of a mother would do it to you???
I could never understand,
I could never understand, after hearing from multiple people how BM treated my DH and how she ran around on him and after ALL their on-again off-again breakups/makeups, why she acted like I stole him right out of her bed while they were sleeping with their arms around each other.
They weren't even LIVING together when I met him, much less "together." They were on one of their "hiatuses" and I can't help it if he decided I was so much sweeter than a psychotic whore!