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Kids calling their stepparents "Mom" or "Dad'

Anon2009's picture

I guess I kind of have mixed feelings about this. On one hand, I think some kids call their stepparent "Mom" or "Dad" by accident or do so because it makes them feel better, it makes the situation easier on them, and they genuinely do like their stepparent. I have to say that my SDs have called me "Mom" Smile but most of the time they call me by my real name.

Then there are the skids who call their stepparent "Mom" or "Dad" because they are forced to. Unfortunately, these days it seems to be that more BMs are making the kids call their stepdad "Dad." I think this is a custom that dates back very far. I know that, in the 1500s, 1600s, 1700s and 1800s, a lot of kids called their stepparents "Mother" or "Father." However, in most cases, their bio-parents were deceased. I still think it was sort of required of them (skids), though.

What are your thoughts on this? If your skid wants to call you "Mom" or "Dad," do you think they should be allowed to do so without getting in trouble with their other bio-parent? Would you allow them to do so? Do you think that we as stepparents should say that we aren't comfortable with them calling us "Mom" or "Dad"? If BM told you or DH that she doesn't want skids calling you "Mom," how would you address that with her? If you have an issue with skids calling BM's DH "Dad," how would you address that?

In other words, how do you all feel about this? My take is that I think the skids should call us whatever they want without fear of repercussion from anyone (as long as they're not calling us b*tches, sl*ts, wh*res, etc.)

Comments

kimeo's picture

Seriously? What about adoptive parents? What about the step-parent who helps raise the child, doing everything their partner does when the birth father or mother is nowhere to be seen? If the closeness is there you should be allowed to call your step-parents Mum or Dad if you want and if they're cool with it.

buttercup123's picture

Aww, that is so sweet, Cruella. Good for you.

I wouldn't care either way as long as the kids feel safe and comfortable. Let them chose what to call me-so long as it is anything mean. Lol.

RustyHalo's picture

I love my skids. BUT, I would not be comfortable with them calling me mom. That name is reserved for my biokids ONLY. The skids have a mom. If she died, then I might one day feel differently.
I'm fearful of allowing the skids to call me mom because if something happened between my FH and myself and we split up, the skids have now lost "another mom" to divorce, only this time I would have no rights to those skids. It's quite possible that I may never see them again. This would bother me tremendously no matter what the skids call me, but I would not want to damage them anymore than they have all ready been by one divorce.

**my stepdaughters did not grow in my tummy, they grew in my heart**

SmileForMe's picture

I am ok w/my skid but I won't be called mom by anyone that already has an active mom figure. It would be different if mom was a total deadbeat but she's not...she's just petty and seems to be losing her marbles lately. She's still a highly involved mom though. I wouldn't feel comfortable having skid call me mom anyway...

"Each contact with a human being is so rare, so precious, one should preserve it." *Anais Nin*

sweetthing's picture

Stepson 12 & I just had a convo about this subject last night. We had two brothers over for a sleepover whose mom is my BM's BFF. SS & I were talking about these boys after I picked them up at school and he told me that while they were at our house he kept screwing up & calling me mom while talking about me to them. ( I am sure that will go back to BM )

I told him, that was understandable because at this house I am their brothers mom & I do all the mom things for them because I am a mom and you just don't turn that off. I will joke about my mom powere at times. I did tell him that I never try to replace their mom because they have a great mom & don't need for me to do that.

I guess I look at it this way, I would never want my son to call another woman mom, I would want that should he have a step mom that she loved him & treated him well and that he treated her with resepect as well. Calling me by my name works wells for us.

I want to say that I have a great relationship with my stepkids because I have made it that way with them. I also didn't have a PAsing BM, but they love me & tell me so because I do the same. Believe me I have had times where I didn't want them around too & wasn't very nice to them after my husband had his break down. But my mom & sister pointed out I was doing this & how wrong it was. I listened to them & I changed the situation.

Stepmomtogirls's picture

I call my stepdad Dad, he's the only dad I've ever known and even adopted me when my bm passed away. I call my stepmom Mom (to other people) and call her by her name when I'm talking to her.

My BD calls DF Dad and my skids call me by my name, when we first got them, they were calling me mom because they said I was just like another mommy, but when BM heard about that she put a stop to it.

Angel72's picture

I have mixed feelings about it myself. I remember when my sd asked her father what do i call her. We both told her to call me by my first name. She has a mother and she's the only mother.
For me, i called my stepmom 'mom' because i found it rude to call her by her first name. Its in my culture that she is a mother figure, married to my father, therefore i call her mom. But she deserves this. My mom passed away and when she married my father, she did all a mother does...so why not call her that.?
My brothers think differently, they never call her mother , till this say and will call her by her first name. I just find that odd.

invisiblestepmom's picture

Well my Skids mostly call me by my first name but will now introduce me to others as their stepmom, which is progress because I did not even get that before, I'd stand there and be left out like I was nothing. I have mixed feelings on it. BM had the kids call her husband "Bonus dad" making it sound cool to have this extra dad when they got married. yeah real cool to have ab onus dad put stitches in your head form confirmed child abuse. Then when DH and I got married she made it sound dreadful that they got me as another mom, so I was nothing. I was called my first name, which was better than what I was called behind my back...mostly kid hating bitch...yeah I hate kids, thats why I worked with kids, am a foster parent, married a guy with kids, have my own kids with DH, want to adopt kids and want more of my own kids because I hate kids so much. No it just happened that the only child in the world that I have met and been unable to get along with is my SS15. But anyway the only reason I wanted to be called some type of mom was because thier jerk off step dad got to be called dad. Yeah they drop the bonus and step for him and jsut call him dad because they "respect" him so much. Is it resepct or is it fear. I'm sure mom made them call him dad, and now they call him dad just to slam it to DH...like my other dad will take me hunting but my real dad won't. My DH does not hunt, thank god since my animal loving self would cry everytime he did.
I stopped letting it bother me until my biokids call me by my first name because they here the SKIDS doing it. I feel bad correcting my kids and saying no my name is mom to you when they are jsut repeating what they heard SKids call me. (Thank god its not bitch that they are repeating)
So I guess it depends on the situation but I strongly feel they should not be forced to call us anything. SO w/ me I tell the kids I would not mind it if the call my mom (but BM would freak) but you can call me waht you are comfrotable with.
Why is it that BM's freak if thier kids call SMOM "mom" but then force kids to call thier husband or BF "DAD" and then Biological dad is just supposed to be ok with it and roll with the punches.?

Silver's picture

delete

buttercup123's picture

I grew up with an amazing step mom (I try to model myself after her) and I always called her by her first name. When referring to her I'd call her my step mom.

mystique75's picture

I have beenin the same situation, my Fiance's children go in between calling me Mom and my first name. Their BM passed away many years ago, I adore the children and they adore me, I treat them as if they were my own, my bs11 is also ok with this. My Fiance at times when they ask him something will say go ask your mom but they dont correct this. So I am ok with this either way personally. But he also says it makes him happy when they call me Mom.

Shell97's picture

I have a very close relationship with both of my SD's and b/c of that close relationship they on their own started calling me mom a few years after DH & I got together. It never made me feel uncomfortable with them calling me "mom". B/C they knew & I knew that I wasn't their bio-mom, but I was being a "mom" figure to them. And actually made feel as if they truly care & love me. BM thought that DH was making them call me "mom". But DH explained to BM that he wasn't not and would not force them to call me "mom" and that she needed to relax a little b/c their girls know who their bio-parents are and that their girls felt more comfortable calling me "mom", just like they felt more comfortable calling SF "dad". And DH didn't have a problem with it. B/C he realized that the girls knew DH was their bio-dad and that no one could or would replace him, just by his girls calling someone "dad". And as far as if something would ever happen that would cause DH & I to split....BM & I have already had this discussion, and BM has agreed that since I have played a big part in the girls lives every since they were very young....I would still be allowed to get to see them. That BM & I would set up some type of visitation schedule. So I think it should be up to the Skids on what they call their SP's. Whatever makes them more comfortable (either mom or dad or by SP's first name) in the situation they are in.

Natasha's picture

My nephew's mother(separated from my brother before my nephew was born) married another man and says that my nephew started callin her new husband Daddy all on his own. I think that's a bunch of crap. My nephew is only 4 years old and has known only my brother as "Dad" his whole life. Well after being married only 7 months her husband now wants a divorce. He made her and my nephew move out and, since they had nowhere else to go, they are now living with us at my parents house. My nephew's mom calls her "husband" almost everyday and tells him the my nephew always asks for him and wakes up in the middle of the night crying and callin his name. This I know is a complete lie since I sleep in the room directly across the hall and never hear anything (and we have one of those houses where u can hear every little thing!) Plus I know my nephew sleeps like a rock anyway. I think its obviouse that she's just trying to get him to take her back. She tries to tell everyone that it's been so hard on her son and that he doesn't understand. But that's crap too. My mother and I have had many talks with my nephew trying to explain what has happened with his mother and her husband, in 4 year old terms of course, and at 1st he seemed to understand. Well my nephew is having a graduation of some kind later this week and his mother told her "husband" that he really wanted him there. (for the record I have NEVER heard my nephew ask for this guy) So my mother and I tried to have another talk with my nephew to make sure he understood that this guy was not his dad and we got a huge surprise. My nephew TOLD us that his mother TOLD him to call her "husband" daddy! She's purposely confusing him! She's trying to use my nephew to get her husband to take her back!

My question is is there something that can be done about this? Legally speaking?

bboretz's picture

My soon to be stepkids want to call me Mom but their BM wont let them and has made it very clear to BD that that this is not allowed. My view on it is if the kids are comfortable enough to call you that then let them. It's a hard situation for them why not make it as easy as we can. If they want to call me that I'm never going to tell them they can't and neither is the BD but I told them that it makes your Mom mad so I wouldn't call me that in front of her. They understand... I think it makes her look really bad and is causeing distance between her and her own children. She is very selfish.

iwishyouwould's picture

It makes me really happy when kiddo calls me mom, but it makes me uncomfortable too. I dont let him. Its not that I dont love him. I love him. I raise him. Etc. But I'm not mom. I can never be mom. I cant be mom, not with the situation the way it is, maybe never. He's already confused. I dont want to confuse him. He tells me that im his iwishyouwould and he loves his iwishyouwould and well always be a family wont we? and thats good enough.

hismineandours's picture

My two oldest call dh dad but their father is deceased. SS has known me since he was 1 and I was a csm until he was 9-he always called me mom. Which i was ok with and bm never complained about. He had a stepdad for many years and when he was at bm's he referred to him as dad too-which was ok with my dh as well. After ss moved out at 9-he will not call me mom. I can't help but be mad at this-it's like he is doing whatever he can to reject me-he will tell my kids things like, "tell your mom xyz". If he had never called me mom I'd be ok with it, but i was good enough to be "mom" for 8 years so why not now? He also stopped calling my parents grandma and grandpa and now refer to them by their names even though they were a huge part of his life when he lived here and he still sees them on a regular basis. I dont really see a problem with it-i know lots of bios have issues with it too. I think my ss did it just because it was easier-it was alot easier to call me mom as all the other kids did and at school it was easier to just say mom rather than stepmom or call me by my name. I figure I was his mom figure at this household-just like his stepdad was his dad figure at bm's.

Rags's picture

I am good with kids calling their "REAL" parents Mom and Dad. In many cases that is the StepParents.

Kids know who there "REAL" parents are and will call them Mom and Dad regardless of whether their "REAL" parents contributed to their gene pool or not and regardless of if their "GENE" parents want them to call their Sparents Mom and Dad or not.

As my son's (my SS) father I am "DAD". I was the first person he called dad(dy) when he was 1yo and I am the ONLY person who has earned the Dad title in his life. No one told him to call me dad, he chose to when he was 17mos old.

His BioDad is nothing more than the SpermIdiot who contributed nothing of value to our son (my SS) than a single solitary SPERM. On of several hundred million he spilled that day. That is something that nearly every one of the ~3Billion men on the planet can do. A parent is someone who is an example, mentor, advocate, confidante and disciplinarian to their child(ren). Far too many parents, whether bio or step, are not parents at all. For them the kids are little more than fuck trophies, welfare checks, CS checks or annoyances. I mean no offense but that is MHO.

When he was ~8yo my son (SS) came home from a SpermClan visitation and told me that he could not call me Dad any more since I was not his real dad. I asked him what he planned on calling me. He said he would call me by my first name. I told him "Dad" had been good enough for 8yrs and if Dad was no longer good enough then he could call me by Mr. (LastName). I explained to him that a Dad is someone, works hard to provide a good home, good schools, safe transportation, teaches him to read, write, ride his bike, coaches his sports teams, officiates his swim league and who loves he and his mom very much.

He told me the same thing that he told me the first time he and I had this conversation when he was ~5yo. "You are my Dad". And I remain "Dad" to this day...... 10yrs later.

That said, I would not call anyone but my mother and father Mom and Dad. My parents have been married for 48 years and make Ward and June Cleaver look like neglectful parents and spouses. I did call my XILs Mom and Dad for a while after my XW and I married. It never felt right and eventually I started calling them by their names. I have been married to my wife for 16yrs and never refer to my ILs other than by their names.

My parents earned the Mom and Dad title, just as most bio parents do, just as most step parents do.

That said, "Mom and Dad" are earned titles and not just accidents of copulation.

IMHO of course.

Best regards,