i asked myself that many times as well. and 5yrs later i found my answer...NO.

i discovered that being a stepmom was a thankless job. no matter what i did, no one cared. i might have been able to deal with that and just disengage or even just go with the flow, but my exsd was too horrible to me. had she been a slightly more decent person, i might have been able to bury certain shit.

i was so jealous of her. jealous of her freedom, the attention, the relationship with her father. i was jealous of her getting away with shit. i was angry cause i didnt even have a relationship with my ex at all....it was all about 'fixing' exsd. it was all about how 'damaged' she was cause of bm, and it effected us so much, my life was consumed with exsd and her issues. i went nuts. literally.

i will never do it again. if i ever meet someone and they have children, i will walk away. i have to. i cant live that nightmare again. i am jaded, psychologically damaged.

as far as my bd3, i wont be like a psycho bm. if my ex meets someone and stays with her permanatly (and moves back here) i kinda know how to be a productive bm and how to be towards her stepmom if/when she gets one. i lost alot, but learned alot as well.

I ask myself that question almost everyday... I really have no complaints about SS, he's great, he loves and accepts me. Couldn't ask for a better one. Dealing with BM on the other hand, I don't think I can handle. Really considering leaving at this point.

I think, Yes. But mostly cut out to be married to DH. I don't know if I could do it with anyone else. We both have similar views on parenting and he has never tried to exclude me from the parenting of the S-Kids. We have always been on the same "side" when it comes to the S-Kids, which does not always seem to be the case with some of you guys. I think I've done good the past 9 years as a SM, now I have to work on starting to get used to the idea of being a Bio-mom (hopefully soon ).

No, I don't think I am cut out to be a stepmom. I sure have a lot of love to give more kids, that I know. When I was married my exH (biofamily) we were planning on adopting an older child -- I thought we had enough love to give to someone who needed it. I still feel that's true now, and if my situation with xBF had been different, I think I would have been successful as a stepmom. In my situation with xBF there's no room for me -- I am not needed or wanted really and I can't even just be happy with the relationship only because I feel second/am treated second (in my opinion) to his child.

I think I could be a stepmom if the right circumstances were present, but it seems like most men with kids are all the same, guilt parenting, an ex wife up their ass, bratty kids who don't want and don't appreciate your efforts...

One last thing...I have teens and it is very hard for me to think about going backwards with a younger child. Again, if the relationship was there, I'd love it, but otherwise, nope...

Still wavering :?

i could be a great SM, just not in my situation.... mil, bm, sil, bm's parents all create a nasty stew and i don't like it!! but i love my dh to pieces and will put up with the rest for him...

that's why i'm here, to vent and hopefully learn some tricks of the trade and be a better sm or at least learn how to tolerate the shit better..

Hello I am new to this site sohopefully you guys can help me.

My husbands has a duaghter 11yrs old. He has never really spent time with her and the mother did not care if he did or not she just wanted him to pay the child support which he did. She now after 11yrs wants her daughter to sleep over every other weekend. i dont want this because if this was the case before I married him I would have never got married I figured if she didnt mind that he didnt see her it would be like this forever. Me and my husband have a dughter of my our own and I just want things to go back to how they were where my stepdaughter didnt exist to me. What should I do can i take this to court and fight it. I dont mind my husband seeing her she is his daughter i just dont want her sleeping over and coming to our house.

I was a pretty good SD when I was one, and I am dying for the chance to be one again... sadly that day will not come. I won't get involved with anyone else with kids, and unless onagain/offagain comes back and I get a chance to help raise hers, I'm simply going to ride off into the step-sunset and either have a bio or not, and not mind either way.

I ended my relationship with exFH a few weeks ago and it was and has been the hardest time of my life. I think the better question is: is your partner is ready for you to be a step-mom?...my exFH, whom I miss and still love tremendously, was not, as it turned out. He was not able to consider reconfiguring roles with SS or boundaries with BM so that we had a household and family that I was at the center of with him. He has a lot of pain in his past- as many of us have- but that he has chosen not to deal with. Rather he has focused all of his himself and his identity around his parenting and relationship with his son (they co-slept until SS was almost 10). I lived in a compartment- separate from his son, with little knowledge of the dysfucntional (and yet, constant) way of relating with BM (who is verbally and emotionally abusive to him) when we dated. I think I assumed when he asked me to marry him that it meant he wanted to create a life together that was different that his as it is configured now. Ultimately, he couldn't do the work, deal with the tensions the arise, etc. to create a life with me and his son. He even told me, the day before I ended it, that me wanting anything different made him feel conflicted, that he has always avoided conflict and dealing with problems-- and therefore that made me (not his ex-wife, not his life as he's carefully constructed it), the problem. He had become verbally abusive to me in the last few months- neglecting me and our relationship (anything I needed or asked for- and in truth I didn't ask for very much, just attention and care about me, became a threat to his son, in his mind).
I was a good step-mom to-be. SS and I had a relationship that was always growing, he trusted me. I brought a different perspective and new ideas into their home, which can sometimes be rigid. I helped him advocate to his parents when he hated the games they play and constant moving of him back and forth. I went to his games, took him and his friends places, and tried to begin to teach him some self-reliance.
As hard and damaging to me as the last few months were, I am still crushed and feel lost most days. The family that I gave everything to-- to try and be with exFH, is gone. I am almost 38 and have lost the one thing that I have always wanted and that I worked so hard for (although not always perfectly, for certain!).
So even though I'm not a step-mom anymore, I feel like I'm the one who has lost the most. ExFH has his life, as it always was, preserved, just the way he wanted. And mine, which was configured totally to be a family with them, is terrifying to me right now.

I've read other posts on ST that have mentioned that "it takes a special kind of person to be a step-parent", & I not only have to agree with that but also admit that I am NOT that "special kind of person." I think you have to probably like kids or at least be the nurturing type that likes being around children all the time (like teachers, daycare providers, etc.), but again, that's not me. I tolerate other people children but would prefer not to have them around unless I have full license to "parent" them as I see fit. Defintely NOT my current situation - hence the reason I'm on ST.

Oh sweetie. I am so sorry your exFH made a choice that made him stuck in his past and not enjoying a future with you.

There are men out there who want to have a happy life. Who are willing to learn new ways and techniques for doing things. Doesn't it make you sad that people are so intent of climbing into their hole and try sucking you down it with them?

I spent 9 months with my nowDH and then my visa expired and I went back to my home country. He had this idea that it was good while it lasted and well this is the way things go. The thing is he missed me. He missed me more than he ever thought he could miss someone. He realised the love he had felt for his ex wasn't love but something else. Fondness? I have no idea. All I know is he made a decision and called me after I told him to not contact me anymore. I wanted more out of a partner than he appeared to want to contribute.

After 7 weeks he came back. I drew my line in the sand. We married or we didn't have any contact again. HE wasn't ready for marriage. He wanted to wait 10 yrs after his divorce (9 yrs to go at that stage). I said "Well, I aren't. So think about it (he wanted me in his life but not THAT much - or so he thought)and get back to me in a few days."

He called me back the next day and apparently his mother had knocked some sense into him (I LOVE that woman!)and he was planning a trip to see me. He warned me not to expect anything and I didn't. I made it VERY clear what my expectations were when I was married. And we are celebrating our 6th Wedding Anniversary next month.

He may come back if he finds losing you is harder to bear than losing his ex. If he does come back, make it very clear what is acceptable and not acceptable to you.

If he doesn't, travel. Well it always worked for me Moving on with your life means you are not stuck as an accessory in his life. And you are right. The 2 of you should be the centre of your world. Hand in hand with any exes as minor annoyances.

I am sure he is keeping himself as busy as he can to 'forget' you. But from the sounds of things you enhanced his life more than he knows, just like I did. And soon he will miss you. Just stay strong and don't give in.

Again, I am so sorry you are going though this. But I applaude your ability and foresight to walk away from a bad situation before you jumped into marriage with this man. I hope he comes to his senses and realises what a wonderful woman he has lost.

I am definitely not cut out for this job. In fact I really don't like being married all that much either.

If I could do it all again I would still be living alone, dating DH (who would actually be just BF) and happy knowing when I put something away it will still be there when I need it again.