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A few things on my mind

Anon2009's picture

And they're not going to be real popular but here goes.

1. Why do so many people stay? Are these guys great in the sack?

2. Maybe minor sks pick up on our feelings towards them and that's part of why they act out. Some of the hatred I read about minors here is frightening.

3. Why blame the kids? Blame the people who made them that way. Stop giving the dads sex, love and comfort until they start parenting. Be pissed off at THEM. Let THEM feel your anger.

Comments

Disneyfan's picture

AMEN

4. Why do men have children with men who are such awful parents to the kids they already have?

Shaman29's picture

Exactly. Drives me nuts. Especially when I see:

Things have been bad for the last three years. We have a 1 year old.

Arrrrrggggghhhhhhhh!!!!!!

Anon2009's picture

Agreed. It also drives me crazy to see posts where people brought kids into the equation years ago even after seeing how bad these guys were and are as parents. Then there are the folks who are pregnant and made the choice to have sex with these guys despite seeing what bad parents they are.

new to this's picture

I have asked mine that countless times!! She aborted the first kid they got pregnant with, why get pregnant again?? And they were in their 30's, not some high school kids either. Both already had grown kids!!! WHY OH WHY :sick:

Willow2010's picture

1). I wonder this myself about a lot of the women on here. I do not advocate divorce, but some of these men are abusive and the women still stay.

2). I agree.

3). It is probably easier for some of these women to blame a child than the adult who is creating the problem. I have no clue why.

QueenBeau's picture

Why do women come to a stepparent forum to vent and demonize step-parents vents and posts?

THAT is the question.

Anon2009's picture

"Why do women stupidly ASSume other women stay simply for dick?"

Why else would anyone stay so long in these types of situations without at least forming an exit plan? Because they have kids together? I'd rather be single than have my kids see this stuff day in and day out. Because of financial reasons? I'd rather live with a family member or friend or formulate some plan to get my finances in order so I could get out.

QueenBeau's picture

What situations are you talkinga bout? You are addressing it as everyone's marriage sucks on this site. It doesn't. there are a few who do. Most end up divorced. A few come back & commplain over & over. I think maybe 3 or 4 people. Out of however many members. I wouldn't make a post like this, addressing to everyone, for a very small minority.

Jewals's picture

Maybe in some states & counties the bio kids would have to be in the situation without mom there to protect them if mommy left daddy .... Even if it happens it can't be proven and the judges will still give visitations .. Only difference is moms not there with these kids ...

Shaman29's picture

You're taking her questions out of context. She is asking real questions and in genuinely curious.

If you don't like her post, then don't respond and move along.

QueenBeau's picture

I stay because my husband is the bomb diggity. In life. & in the sack.

I dont' have hateful feelings & I actually have love for my SD7. Her mom is the issue, but she's been cut off from me & on limiited contact to DH so things have been better. My whole marriage isn't steplife.

I never blame SD for anything. She's 7. Her parents are responsible for her.

4... BM didn't have any kids before SD.... if this was supposed to say women, DH is a good parent considering the circumstances. He & BM were never together. This will be his first 'full tme see you every day' kid. We will see how it goes...

These posts get on my nerves because they lump all of us into the minority category. 99% of posts I see ehre are blaming BM. Most pity skids. Yes they annoy us. Get on scarymommy, BIOS annoy their parents. That's life.

edit to add: go through a couple pages. Sicne you're so concerned. Count the # of posters who have done the things on your list (blame the kids, hate the kids, etc).
then count the # complaining about BM or things BM has led kids to say/do.

Nobody's whole marriage revolves around steplife, fyi. At least I'd hope not.

QueenBeau's picture

I've told my husband to STFU. Idk if he's ever said it back, probably. In the heat of arguments. We even -gasp- yelled at each other sometimes in the first year of our marriage.

Things have gotten much better with time. We still love eachother. We don't contemplate divorce. Never have. We knew marriage would be hard, if it was easy everyone would do it. If things wouldn't have improved we would have went for counseling.

BM is a pain in the ass. We block her out of our life & move on. I would never get divorced over a 3rd party.

People post the bad on here. The awful, head going to explode, bad stuff. We don't know everything going on in their marriage or home & we are stupid if we think we do.

QueenBeau's picture

LOL exactly. We don't get physically violent. We've argued maybe twice this year. It actually wasn't over step situation things or SD. It was about my crazy ass in-laws!!!

I see stuff on here where I think "omg get out". But hell, idk the whole situation. There have been posts of mine where people told me to leave & we talked things out in 15 minutes. It always seems worse on the internet.

Willow2010's picture

Why do women come to a stepparent forum to vent and demonize step-parents vents and posts?

Why are bitches so mean?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Not sure how you see this as demonizing. They are valid questions and maybe some can be helped by valid responses the this blog.

EDIT to add...I would think that the OP is referring to the ones who get disrespected by the DH to the point that it is abusive. We all have step issues.

But WAY to many people on here have mainly DH problems and refuse to see it.

Shaman29's picture

1. Why do so many people stay? Are these guys great in the sack?

Personally, I would hope most stay because they feel their marriage and relationship is worth fighting for. Otherwise, anyone who stays in a relationship only because the sex is great, deserves the horrible relationship they have.

2. Maybe minor sks pick up on our feelings towards them and that's part of why they act out. Some of the hatred I read about minors here is frightening.

I agree with you on this too. When I disengaged from skid, I showed her no hatred but I had to force myself into indifference so I would not react to the crap coming out of her mouth. When she realized I was not engaging her any longer, she started coming to me more and more. I would then send her off to H, so he could help her. I did my best to be polite to her, but I'll be honest. I stopped being warm and loving towards her. I did encourage her but in a mentor type of way. Not in an I care about you type of way.

I am appalled at some of the things some posters say about the small children. I get the snarky attitudes from teenagers, they're fully aware of the impact of their words and actions. But little kids don't have that advantage and they used the tools they were given by their bioparents. There are a few members on this board who should end their marriages based on their complete hatred of their young skids.

I also don't understand how you can hate your skid so much, yet choose to have kids with their father. It's disgusting to me because you know they're going to do what they can to alienate them from their siblings. They'll claim they won't but I don't see how that kind of hatred won't be passed to their own bios.

3. Why blame the kids? Blame the people who made them that way. Stop giving the dads sex, love and comfort until they start parenting. Be pissed off at THEM. Let THEM feel your anger.

This is a very unpopular but true statement as well. When I first got on here I was blaming the skid. Several posters pointed out the real problem (my H and his lack of parenting). When that lightbulb went off I did stop blaming her for the problems in our marriage. However I did hold her accountable for her words and actions.

stepinafrica's picture

I think most of these women realize it is their husband's fault that their skids don't behave themselves. Yes it is the husband's fault that the kid is an asshole. It does NOT change the fact that the kid is an asshole.

They need to vent.

MY SS a mostly decent kid because dh at least tries to parent. If he didn't parent at all the skid would probably be an asshole like some of the kids I read about on here. Thank God for small mercies.

I also think that some women just take their marriage vows seriously. Others stay because of the kids they already have with their dh.

DaizyDuke's picture

That's really why I stay. I took a vow "for better or worse" and I meant it. Right now, we are living through the "worse" with SD16 and SS15. I hope and pray that it is just part of the cycles of marriage and that we can get back to the better soon.

Anon2009's picture

"The scary part is that someone who is on the edge could easily be pushed over by some of the bullying that goes on here."

Then I hope they would seek professional help.

Anon2009's picture

There's pastoral counseling. There are ywcas. There are homeless shelters. There are places that'll provide people help for free.

Anon2009's picture

What do you think about the women who blame their minor sks and call them names like "his royal highness?" It may not be vulgar but I'd love to know what that kid in particular did wrong. Or "crotch dropping." For all you know your bios could have someone referring to them like that. It could be SM/dads GF or whoever.

stepinafrica's picture

AMEN

Anon2009's picture

I'm not here to knock anyone down, sorry you ASSume that. I just cannot get over how many people dislike their step kids when its really the parents who are at fault, and how many folks bring kids into these situations when they know these many of these guys suck as parents.

Shaman29's picture

Likewise there are posters who come here for advice but preface their blogs with "Don't Judge" or "If you're not going to be nice, then don't give me advice".

Yes...this is a venting site. I get that. But many come on here to seek help to either fix or get out of their situations. Sometimes the truth hurts, it did for me. And support doesn't mean I'm going to agree with everyone either.

So the question is....why do the same people come on here and "vent" about the same things over and over but REFUSE to do anything about their situations??

Answer. They are shit stirring drama queen babies who would rather bitch than improve their lives.

bulletproof's picture

I just want to say that Ted Bundy was once a child. Just because a human is in childhood doesn't mean they're a good person, or that they'll grow to be a good person.

bulletproof's picture

My parents were shitty parents, and I'm not a bad person. My brothers are.

My best friend's dad is a druggie and a drunk, cheated on his mom for years, and was never around. She's a fabulous person. So are all 3 of her siblings.

There are examples of both. Could the parent thing be a factor? Sure! But not always.

Flying.Purple.Step.Monster's picture

I come here because nobody is going to tell me "you are supposed to love them as if they were your own children"

Shaman29's picture

That is one statement you will never hear from me.

The thought that someone would even think to say this to a step-parent is appalling.

AllySkoo's picture

1. Why on earth would they leave? (Unless there's abuse, obviously.) Things got hard? The honeymoon phase wore off? Honestly I think MORE people need to roll up their sleeves and stick around to WORK on their marriages, so I applaud those willing to do that. BM is a "serial divorcee", she'll get married and then divorce the guy as soon as things get boring, let alone hard! No, I'm one that thinks that "leave him" is thrown out there too often as the "solution".

2. A few - a VERY few - posters do make me uncomfortable with the level of animosity they have towards their skids. And I'm with the people who don't like the name-calling, but I do understand that some people can do that here and then be better smoms at home, they find it helpful. (I, personally, wouldn't. If I indulged in name calling here it would deepen the negativity I have, it wouldn't help me "blow off steam". But that's me.)

3. Why blame the kids? Because kids, within age-appropriate bounds, deserve "blame" for their actions. When my 5 year old hits his brother, I don't turn to my DH and say, "That's all your fault for being a crappy parent!" Nope, my 5 year old made the choice to hit, so HE gets the consequences. And yes, I get mad at my child for poor behavior. Skids don't get a pass on that just because they're skids.

JenLee's picture

SO glad we don't not have to deal with BM....phone call or text about once every two years or so. I do hate it for my SS thought, I know it has got to be hard on him knowing his mom is just in the next city (20 minutes away) and does not make anytime to see him. But it does make life easier for DH and me.

Why do I come on here? Just to vent. While I love my SS, sometimes he does drive me nuts. And my DH, I love him so much, and he is a good father, sometimes just too good, and he does not see some of SS behaviors as problems or issues. He does not trust me to parent his son so my hands are tied, which causes a lot of frustration. My DH and I have a lot of discussions (sometimes they escalate into arguments, but not very often) about his needing to trust me and my judgement and not to take everything so personal. So, it is nice to come on here and vent my frustrations so I don't take it out on my family. I don't like to vent to my friends or family because I don't want them to think badly of my DH or my SS.

But let's face it.....being a stepparent is not always easy, and this is just a good way to release some steam.