UGH!
Why is it so difficult to like your boyfriends kids? All they care about is milking him. I used to see a future with this guy, but down the line i realized if i had kids with him, his kids will then start using my children. These kids only care about one thing, them. He had them very young, worked his a$$ off to give them everything. I have already explained all this to him. he desperately wants to get married, but i can't imagine having these kids in my house. A lot has happened through these several years where i don't trust these kids anymore. my bf even assured me, our life will be our life. but something inside me just doesn't trust it. He has been married and divorced 2 times with 4 kids in total. And i, never married and no kids. Oh, let's not forget his 2 wonderful exes who are horrible in their own ways. He has a big heart and a bunch of people who only use him. i cant stand being with him and seeing everyone use him for money and only money. i think he is starting to see exactly what i have been telling him for a while now.
i cant stand ungrateful children.
what to do? cut these people out of his life? what would that say about me?
let it be and always feel like hes getting used and im the idiot who married into a situation that makes me miserable?
Or... just break it off all together because this is too much to handle. And just RUN!
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Some questions
First and foremost, why is he so desperate to get married. That's the first red flag for me. How long have you been together and how old are you both?
How do you feel about financing all these people that he can't say "no" to? Does he have court orders for visitation and child support? How old are his kids? You realize that if you marry him, his kids will always be present, don't you?
Above all, do NOT let what other people will say or think influence your decision. They are unimportant.
We've been together over
We've been together over 3years and we are in our late 30's. He has "arrangments" with these women. He wouldv'e been better off with a court ordered child support in my opinion. In the beginning my opinion about them was very different, i used to always say if we took family tips i wouldve liked for us to be able to take them all, so they didn't feel left out. but the more i got to know them, the more their true colors came out....
Thank you for your feedback
You are realizing that his is
You are realizing that his is not the man, nor the life for you.
Time to move on.
Better now instead of when
Better now instead of when you'll need lawyers and to split a lot of assets. It sucks, even shitty relationships suck when you break up.
agreed.
agreed.
Listen to your gut, sounds
Listen to your gut, sounds like a lot of package.
I would have doubts getting involved with someone with two crazy ex and 4 children. You know what you can deal with and if you already feel is not your cup of tea, don't wait until you are married and everything becomes even more complicated!
i completely agree. if it's
i completely agree. if it's bad now, there's no way it can get better.
Says vs Does
my bf even assured me, our life will be our life.
Of course he has. But you are seeing evidence to the contrary. Don't expect anything to get better when you're married. Things generally get worse.
Continue to date him if you'd like. But don't marry him until you see prolonged evidence that he refuses to be used. You want him to have a healthy relationship with his kids, of course but that's the whole relationship. Not just the financial support.
What's he doing to change the dynamic?
I see more talk and a little
I see more talk and a little improvement, but not enough where i'm ready to get engaged. i thought continuing to date until things get better will be the way to go, but i am already in my late 30's I want something where i see a positive future with the person i am dating. he didnt have much of a relationship with them until i came into the picture, as surprising as that may sound. but now interacting with them, i realized theyre just like their mom. money, use, money, use.
I feel like i dug my own hole by trying to be a good person. lol it's so sad, but it's the truth.
Cut your losses lady
Your losses with him will actually be your gain.
You arent married yet and all this drama. Trust me the drama will multiply once you are married. Marriage will make the bat shit crazy BM's up their game and the skids will be their tool.
Find a wonderful guy preferably no ex wives and NO skids . Your life will be so much smoother. Take this from a lady who was you. Never married no kids and ended up with a man with a daughter from hell, and a BM nuttier than a nut bar.
Blessings to a skidless BMless future.
I don't even know why i used
I don't even know why i used to think "oh its ok, they're just kids. if you give them love maybe they will see things differently, maybe change certain negative personailty traits." i actually wanted to give his kids things that they've never seen or witnessed. But damn, was i wrong.
Time to leave.
Aw, Hon, it’s the pits, falling in love with a good man who's saddled with heavy baggage. To him, you are likely a bright spot in his overwhelmed life so, of course, he wants to make your relationship permanent. He has much to gain from marrying you; a helpmate, bed-warmer and provider of additional income.
As is often pointed out on StepTalk, love is not enough. You’ve written:
~ i cant stand being with him and seeing everyone use him for money and only money…~
I can guarantee you that marriage will not change the underlying forces that govern your boyfriend’s relationship with his children and their mothers. Any attempt that you make to correct the abuse from the ‘users’ and ‘his 2 wonderful exes’ will be explosive.
Your boyfriend has all too many children. If you plan to have a child of your own, he is not the father that you should choose. In all probability, you’d end up as the third ex-wife, collecting the least amount of child support. Sorry to sound harsh but my 76 years of life have educated me on romance vs reality.
You seem to have a good head on your shoulders since you’re already questioning the wisdom of continuing in this relationship. Hon, please listen to your brain instead of your heart. As difficult as it is, leaving a man that you love, it beats destroying the rest of your life.
OP, please listen to these
OP, please listen to these wise words.
Wow, very wise words! You
Wow, very wise words! You took everything that i have been thinking and typed away. I think this guy couldv'e been my soulmate if we only met 20yrs ago. Thank you
My Advice - these boots were made for walking...
You are in your 30's. I dont know if you want children of your own, but you want to build a future with someone and this guys doesnt sound like that one.
I am 50's and childless. I thought when I first started 7 years ago, "love is the answer to every question". Im somewhat well traveled, and have done a lot of cool things, have a tribe of intelligent artistic interesting people who do cool things. I thought I could bring the kids and DH into my tribe and they would grow and benefit and as a reflection back would love me.
Im in thoughtful mode right now.
I see now that the skids are super enmeshed with their mother Toxic Troll, a high school drop out who is selfish, mean and diminishing to everyone around her as her means to feel better about herself.
Dh - he is really benefitting from me - his credit score is higher, we bought a house and boat together, he has money, and savings and credit.
Ive benefitted but Im like a fish out of water. SD22 Feral Forger is mean and nasty and steals. SD15 backstabber/munchkin was nice to me, even said "I love you" a few times. But her loyalty is to her parents, and none for me. Ive done a lot to lift her up. And no appreciation. So. I would leave, and find a nice person who is your match. A better match.
Wow, the mom sounds exactly
Wow, the mom sounds exactly like my bf kids mom. Thank you for the insight, I see a lot of myself in your situation. Never gets easy, just more complicated down the line.