Never as an excuse to treat a stepparent like crap. As far as the rest of it goes, if they can't function in life,then they need therapy a lot of kids go through a lot worse, but every person has a different level of resiliency.

10 years and an adult is pretty long to be waving that banner. Like you said, if you are an adult and still have unresolved daddy/mommy issues, you need to go to a therapist, not torture everyone in your vicinity.

I personally give kids under 10 a pass to an extent. I would give kids who's new SM broke up their parent's marriage a longer pass. I would write off a lot of teen angst behavior as such and not take it personally. But if I truly had no part in their parent's divorce, I would expect an adult stepchild to at least treat me civilly.

My YSD who is 19 just yesterday called to tell me that she just wanted me to know how much she appreciated what I do for her and her sister. How I didn't have to care or take care of them.. how I didn't "beat" them. How she was lucky that she had me for a stepmother and that now that she is older and sees how other people grew up and how some had worse situations she can appreciate it.

Now, some SM's will never get that acknowledgement. I was lucky. But I think once you are an adult, you should be able to have some empathy for your parents and step parents that their lives were not always easy either.

Geez, what would she do if one of her parents had died when she was young?

Certain things are life changing events, that doesn't mean that life does not go on (albeit, differently) or that those events have to define who you are as a person. Unless you let it.

Personally, I don't like to announce why I'm f^cked up.

Your SD has issues WAY beyond just being a COD.

This ^^^ for sure.

Depending on the age of the child and how the relationship with mom and dad ended (nicely/nasty/etc.), I say no more than 1 year tops! During this time, in a perfect world, BOTH parents should be working on damage control with the child(ren) so they don't end up with long-term commitment, trust, relationship issues. In the case that the divorce/separatin occurred before the child can remember, then there shouldn't really be any adjustment period. In my case, my bios and my SD15, don't remember mom and dad being together; it has always been Mom/Dad and SM/SD.

Damnit! I'm a COD and have NEVER used that as an excuse for bad behavior. I could have being a asshole all these years and getting away with it because I was a poor, poor COD! Where did your SD come up with this nonsense? Did she see a therapist that planted this or was this BM?

Seriously, I never had a clue you could use that for an excuse.. because nobody ever planted that seed.

Never. It should never be used as an excuse.

EVER!!!

It's a divorce, it is not the end of the world.

I'm going to visit my parents in a couple of weeks. I'll see if I can use the broken home excuse to weasel money or a new car out of them. However, I suspect my stepmom will have a few choice words about all the hard work she put into keeping a clean house and dinner on the table every night.. not to mention clothes shopping, running me around to friends houses, helping get ready for special events, making sure my favorite snacks were in the house. I'm sure my manipulation will go well.:)

It's not the kids who are the problem, it's the parents.

There is no excuse for crappy behavior or choices. Divorce included. Zero tolerance and total accountability is the way to deal with his kind of crap IMHO.

Timeframe is irrelevant. Accountability and zero tolerance starts immediately and extends forever.

Again. IMHO of course.

My overindulged Skids are absolutely convinced that their life has been *so* hard because of their parents' divorce. I have literally heard the words directly out of SD's mouth. It's disgusting.

DH and I are both kids of divorce and both of us have been through a divorce (the latter was much worse, even considering my horribly abusive mother). We have both worked hard to ensure that there was minimal impact to the kids. I have no time whatsoever for any child martyring themselves over their parents' divorce. Pu-lease.

I can only speak for my stepkids and my situation
BM and I have NEVER allowed the children to use BM/DH's split as an excuse to be an asshole.
SD16 was only 5 when they split-and that was before SS11 was born.

DH and I got together right after SS was born. So for the most part-they've always known BM to be with her flavor of the 5yr plan and DH/I together.

And as a child of a deceased parent (my dad died shortly after my 10th birthday) my mother and stepfather never allowed me to act an ass because of loosing my father.

NEVER, NEVER, NEVER....of and did I forget to say NEVER. Next time she uses that excuse for anything at all flat out just say well honey why is it that so many other people I know are COD's and have never once used that as an excuse.

Or better yet say this " OMG,I had no idea that your parents divorced. That must have been really hard because you are like the only person in the world that has happened to."

This one can work too "You know what maybe in some magical land far off and away your parents will get back together, what will be your excuse than for your crap behavior. Oh that is right it is not that your are a COD but just entitle selfish brat."

Sorry struck a nerve with that one. Mine divorced when I was younger and I never used that as an excuse for anything I have done in my life that was not good or I did not like.

Tell her to shut it and stop being a lazy whining little brat that needs everyone around her to coddle her.

Never ever ever should it be an excuse.

You can bet your bottom dollar that I did not let my children ever use it as an excuse in life.

Once you've reached adulthood I don't think there is ever any valid reason for all purpose entitlement or treating people poorly. There are a hundred crappy life events I could think of in under a minute that unfortunately happen to people every day. Death in the family, illness, accident, job loss, hurricane, abusive marriage, sexual assault... on and on. If every person on earth decided that they have a free pass to be an as*hole because their life isn't sunshine and roses 100% of the time then the world would quickly become an even more awful place than it already (arguably) is.

Bad days? Yes. Rough week? Maybe. Being a jerk in perpetuity because mommy and daddy got divorced a decade ago? Hell to the no.

HELL the Girhippo is 46 years old ans she is STILL using it as an excuse!!

I don't agree with using the COD excuse at any age. It's not an excuse or a crutch. It drives me batty when people use things as a crutch. Especially a divorce or death years after the fact.

ss32 is still using his parents divorce as an excuse for not being able to function in life. To an extent he is right because both of them horribly enabled him out of guilt. DH enabled him up until 2 years ago and then finally relized that he wasn't *helping* his son at all. Up until recently ss has been living with mommy but now we hear he's on the run because he doesn't want his car repossessed.

I think someone said this above, but now that there are so many divorces, being a child of divorce is the new normal. I don't think it should ever be an excuse, because I don't think anyone should let a single event define them. No matter how bad someone thinks their situation is, there is always someone else who has it worse. Finally, there is no excuse for bad behavior - especially when you are an adult. People make choices and if you choose to treat someone poorly, you should have to deal with the consequences.

One of my SSs is now - nearly five years later - freaking out about his parents' divorce. I try to be sympathetic to him because I have not experienced life as a child of divorce, but also want to say to him "don't let your parents' divorce define you!" His life may be more complicated than that of some of his peers, but he does not have a bad life. I worked with kids whose parents were in jail or whose parents had been killed, my SS's life is easy compared to their lives.

This says it all:

https://i.pinimg.com/originals/2e/87/55/2e87558a1eddb97d79dbbbce054ff0a5...

Its a crutch and an excuse. That sh*t works when you are little and don't know how to express yourself or manage your emotions. But when you become an adult, its time to stop pointing the finger and look in the mirror. I was a COD too and I never disrespected or mistreated my step parent. My son is a COD and doesn't have this expectation of nothing applying to him because he is a COD and its because I didn't allow him to develop that mentality. Parents have to stop coddling their kids, they are doing them a disservice.

Being a COD will be used by the child unless and until the parent stops allowing them to use the as their excuse. As for adults, they will use it as long as it garners them the response they want, when it doesn't they will just change tactics to it being some other underlying issue as to why they suck at life!

Children who are fundamentally incapable of understanding what is going on, either due to age or disability, get a pass. I can't fault a child who doesn't understand what's going on and can't properly express how they feel. I can, and will, however, judge the parents who don't try to help those kids navigate through it.

Otherwise, I give it a year max for it to affect anyone's life. Note that I said affect, not be used as an excuse. It can be the reason why a child is upset or doing poorly in school during the first year. However, it goes back to the PARENTS need to help their child navigate through it and not let it be used as an excuse for poor behavior or performance.

When my parents divorced, I acted out in anger and sadness. I had to grieve the changing in my family. However, there were acceptable and unacceptable form of that grieving. It was totally fine for me to call my friends and blast my parents to let off steam, but I had better never say a cross word to my parents or in public. I could scream into a pillow, but I couldn't scream at my mom. I could throw a stuffed animal at an empty wall, but I could throw a right hook at my dad.

There has to be a balance where you have to allow children to grieve and express their emotions in a safe way, but you can't let it be used long-term as a crutch. I'm divorces, but not because my parents are divorced and it's "all I know". I got divorced because my exH is a donkey and I made a poor decision in marrying him. My parents being divorced may have made it easier for me to pull the trigger on that marriage, but my parents being divorced also taught me that it's not the end of the world. It's just part of life.

Some of the people who can keep up playing this "guilt" i feel are surrounded by enablers or addicts.

Ss13 great grandma is a huge enabler!! My mil is a huge drug abuser- and the stuff she puts her mother through, terrible- but GG just feeds into it!

Ss loves hiding out over there because she babies him like crazy!!

And i feel because dh has had a wacko mom, and not the best adult figures in his life- he thinks the way to deal with stuff is to spoil him- which ss is smart and plays him like a fool.

I think ALL of them need to stop feeling sorry for "the boy without a mom", at somepoint ss will have to work - gg will pass away- mil will be gone- then what?

Unless he finds a woman who will feed into his game, its going to be rough out there, not many ladies want to play mommy to a grown man.

Ss13 tried to guilt his dad a few times over the years, with the "i have no mom" did not work- dhs father passed away when he was 7, so he just gets told about that!

Never in my opinion.

It's not a strange thing for people to divorce and there's allot of people coping who never used that excuse of I'm from a broken home, there's allot of people who grew up as orphans and they never used any excuses, there's allot of people who grew up with only one parent and never used it as an excuse....

Never. My parents divorced when I was 21, my brother 18 (Dad didn't want to pay child support). Way worse sh*t happened while they were together. My brother and I breathed a huge sigh of relief when they FINALLY divorced!!

My son tried to play the 'I've Gone Through Horrible Things In My Life' card to justify being a poop head. I told him everyone goes through sh*t in their life. You get over it and you move on with life, it never justifies you being an arsehole. You decide who you want to be, only you define who you become.

He hates it but it's true. Suck it up buttercup and be a good person.

I loved reading this post! My SD uses this as a crutch/manipulation tactic/sympathy card - she is 10 but they divorced when she was like 2! 8 years is plenty of time to adjust to being a COD but her mom is a whack job and encourages her being a forever victim! Drives me crazy! My son also comes from a broken home - same age as SD - his father is currently incarcerated for poor decisions (drugs) and he doesn't use any of that as a crutch or for sympathy or manipulation! I'm guessing the difference is that I don't feed into and have tried my best to teach him to be accountable for his actions! This to me is all about how the parents handled it (as other posters stated).

My DD never even uses term COD let all uses it as an excuse. I think it comes from parents cultivating either "poor you" or causing drama (like made it obvious to a kid how much drama parents have with each other). No kids would come up with such BS on their own.