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wondering how others handle this...

4ofus's picture

the issue with clothes. We are forever having issues with clothes for SS and SD. Not so much for SD these days as she is older and can keep up with her own clothes better.

We don't like sending the kids "good clothes" over to BMs. We have countless times not seen things again, or seen SS out in the yard playing in his good school clothes(typical boy, he gets really dirty!!). I approached the idea years ago of sending clothes back and forth and keeping them seperate, but the BM basically said "they are the kids clothes, not yours so they should go where the kids go". I agree with this to an extent, because although they are the kids clothes, my money is buying them!!!

The problem came up this morning when getting SS5 ready for school, no clothes! At least no decent ones that we wanted to send and take the chance of never seeing again. It's so frustrating!

So, how does everyone else handle this? When BM wont cooperate on it and you just cant afford to keep buying clothes?


bellacita's picture

SD gets sent home in what shes sent over in...if its dirty, we wash it, if not, she wears it home. its a 10 min car ride...if her clothes are too dirty to wear home then theyre too dirty to wbe sent to us in. we cant send anything over there bc we never get it back. so we buy a few things for her, very cheap, at target or whatever. play clothes are cheap at her age. we also get hand me downs from our niece, so that helps. also, the clothes she buys for her are ridiculous looking...too fu fu or just plain trashy or ugly.

"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin

LoveMYBoys's picture

SS7 is returned in the same outfit he arrived in. We started this because, we too, never would receive the outfit back. Or, we would send him in an outfit that came as a set and she would send him back in the shirt and not the shorts that matched the shirt. So, we were left with many shirts and shorts that had no matches! It's unfortunate because the majority of the time he is sent over in pants that are too short or clothes that simply don't match. When that happens, we immediately have him change in to the clothes that we have specifically for our house...that fit!

secondwife20's picture

We only have SD8 eow but DH and I got her a handful of clothes to keep at the house. It's just a pain to have to transfer clothes back and forth. That's what we do with her toys as well. If she wants to bring toys from BM, that's fine... but the toys we bought for her will always stay with us. BM gets mad at us because she too says that it's SD8's stuff... so they should go where she goes. Uh. No. I bought it with my money. It stays in my house.

bellacita's picture

BECAUSE if they get confused or we forget then we get calls or texts msgs saying wheres this? wheres that? ugh...we dont need more contact than necessary w that loo-loo. we have verything she will need for those 4 days a month rite at our house.

"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin

secondwife20's picture

I noticed that too. Every time we drop SD8 off, we get a call right away! And then DH and I are like "what did we forget?" Some times SD8 will lie about bringing a toy or a movie and blames us for not putting it in her bag when it's time to drop her off. I think she does that to cover up the fact that SHE probably lost them.

It doesn't really bother me when BM calls... I just ignore her and simply say... "well, it's not our responsibility to keep track of the toys she brings here. We don't pack her stuff for her, so if she forgot it... sorry charlie but she's going to have to wait until she comes over again"

BM doesn't really care if we forgot something either... I know she calls just to bother us. It's when we forget SD8's baby blanket that she throws a major fuss. If we EVER forget the baby blanket, it's the end of the world. If we don't return the damned baby blanket, SD8 will be lost forever. She wouldn't know what to do with herself! :o God forbid we forget the baby blanket.

bellacita's picture

wow is all i have to say.

we have had harrassment issues w BM in the past and do not have a cordial relationship, so we have to keep her on a tight leash as far as contact bc if we dont limits, she has none Sad

"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin

SM#1's picture

The moment we drop off SD8 or her BM picks her up, about 15 min later we get a phone call. It is about how I yelled at her and refused to give her something. 99% of the time I was not home, her father yelled at her, and the toy she says is hers at our house is MY SONS toys she asked to have and we said no. She tells BM that the toy is hers thinking we will just give it to her. WRONG!!

As far as the clothes go up intil a month ago I sent SD back to school on Monday with the same clothes she came in Friday, I would wash them over the weekend. But BM complains now the SD8 is too old for this and is embarrassed of having to wear the clothes again on Monday. So now BM sends an outfit for SD to wear to school on Monday in her school bag. Works for me, I had to send her in the Friday outfit because it took over a month to get the outfit back. However, after a month it was the right outfit in the same shape.

4ofus's picture

that is how our visitation worked, where we could just send them back in what they came in because I would do that...but here is an example of ours..

Kids are with us Tuesday night, we get them up and ready for school Wed morning, off to school then they get off the bus at BMs and she has them Wed night... she puts them on bus Thursday morning and if DH can he will get them off bus, if he is working than BM does. So we dont always see them in order to exchange the clothes. At any time that we can do that, we do it.

I know we have a complicated situation, and we may just have to suck it up, but I was hoping someone may have some kind of advice on it...

We end up telling SD9 that she can or cant wear this or that because its her mommy's day the next day. I hate telling her that, but she understands more now as she is older because she has seen what happens with her clothes (on floor in piles dirty, cant find clean matching clothes!)

SM#1's picture

You could either......
Tell SD9 to pick out her Wed outfit at BM and stick it in her backpack so she can wear it Wed when you have to send her to school.

Or ask SD9 to put her dirty clothes from (your house)Wed in a bag and stick it in her backpack for Thur when you have her. Tell her if either of these work out for a few weeks she can wear whatever clothes she wants from her closet, not just select ones you don't mind getting lost.

4ofus's picture

that we may try this... she has at times put some clothes in her backpack to bring home with her. And she actually did this on her own. We have them tonight, so I will ask her if she wants to do that.

I can't wait till SS5 is old enough to keep up with his stuff... his younger brother always ends up in the clothes we buy.. nice huh? we are clothing the child from one of her affairs as well as the one thats legitimate.

bellacita's picture

maybe since she sgetting it, she can be responsible for both? making sure they get back to u...

funny, i know...a 9 yr old can be responsible but BM cant.

"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin

4ofus's picture

not likely... BM has another child, a boy who is 14 months younger than SS. THe dynamics in that house are just scary... SS and his brother are terrors!!! I mean, the sweet little boy who comes with us is non-existent at BMs. They constantly destroy SD things, and anything they can get into, mind you they are 4 and 5. So SD pretty much avoids the boys when she is at BMs.

I may mention to her see what she says...I just hate putting her in the role of "mom" becuase BM uses her as a slave basically. BM used to babysit in her home, and SD was really the babysitter at a very young age.

That is a good idea Bella, I will give it some thought...

missangie1978's picture

She sent SS back in shorts in November in freaking Washington state! No way we can send him back in the clothes he came in now.

secondwife20's picture

neglect? She's perfectly aware that it's not SUNNY AND WARM! in Washington... yet she sends him up in shorts? That's ridiculous.

Rags's picture

Though a couple of years ago his brand new very nice tennis shoes did not come home. A few of his trendy things will not make it home every once in while. It is usually stuff that BioDad can wear. But, we call and ask him to overnight it back and he does.

SS will not wear the stuff they have attempted to buy him. As least not since about 6th grade.

So, not a huge problem for us.

When he was about 10 a cold snap hit while he was on spring Break visitation and they gave him GrandMa's old coat to wear. He was mortified. But hey, at least they did not let him freeze. A 25 dollar jean jacket and a heavy sweatshirt would have worked and he would have loved that.

Best regards,

TheBrightSide's picture

SD8 has a closet so full of clothes that DH buys for her, its obscene. She has clothes, with tags, she never wears. DH says that "she doesn't have many toys"...however, this child has a flat screen tv in her room, nintendo ds, wii (and many games including rockband)...and lets not forget her exhaustive closet filled with clothes. clothes are hers and she wears whatever she wants (usually with daily wardrobe changes). She's extremely guilt parented. She has never been denied anything she's ever wanted from her much so, that when asked what she wants for Christmas...she doesn't want anything...BECAUSE SHE ALREADY HAS EVERYTHING.

I just...standby and say nothing, 'cause heaven forbid I should have an opinion. And if I do say something...DH's response is always ..."she doesn't have many toys".

All I think of is....never, NEVER will I have a joint account with him.

Maybe i'm just bummed today because BM received a $3400 childsupport/alimony check today from dear husband and I'm practically in the red this month to buy christmas presents. We have SD about 60% of the time. And heard right....BM still gets child support...and alimony.

And yes, I'm away from home 7:00 a.m. until 6:00 p.m. working...and yes, its true, I would rather shank myself in the stomach than to ask my husband for $$ after I've heard him complain endlessly how the BM never worked for the 10 years they were married...and Yes, I realize that I will probably always have to work, because DH constantly spends his money like there is no tomorrow.....