Daddy should spend his vacations with his kids. This is quality time with his kid. If that means the two of you don't have a vacation together for another 5 years will that's the sacrafice we make for children. I took mine camping every summer and did not impose them on my new wife.

Regarding your relatioonship with the girl this is what I did:

I wrote this a long time ago and I hope this helps with your problem. It may not reflect your exact situation but you'll get the idea:
The situation with my step-kids finally got to the point where I decided that my efforts to raise them was futile.
First I told my wife in private what I was going to do and why.
Then I stopped investing myself, time and money in their upbringing. I realized that by conscious choice I could cease being responsible for them or their actions. Neither would I take credit for how they turned out, good or bad. I simply stopped interfering in their lives. This is not to say if they would start a fire on the living room floor I would not intervene. But if they did not do the laundry as scheduled I ignored it. Nor did I do any of their chores. If the trash overflowed in the kitchen - well tough. Mom dealt with it when she got home.
You will be absolutely amazed at the look on a kids face when s/he realizes you don't care enough to even tell their bio-parent they did something wrong. And you'll be amazed at their future behavoir and attitude towards you.
I stayed friendly enough and taught one how to drive when she was old enough. But they could no longer blame me for the consequences of misbehaving just because I saw the misbehavoir. I never told. If they were caught in a infraction it was not my fault. They began to realize that they were responsible for their actions because of what they did not because I caught them.
I would talk to my wife in private if I had issues, but once she made the decision I backed her up 100%.
Once the kids realized I was no longer the ogre they thought I was their attitude changed. I was not their friend, but neither was I the enemy. They came to realize that I had not done those things to irritate them. They in fact missed the things that they had come to depend on me doing. Permission to go to the mall when their Mom was not home? "Sorry, can't do that".
Their mother slowly came to realize that I wasn't overreacting to their actions. In fact I wasn't reacting at all. She came to understand that she would have to control the situation and she did.
With that things got much easier around the house.

I completely and totally disagree with with Orange County - to wait five years to have a vacation with your husband is utter and complete bullshit - how the hell do people think that second marriages are going to survive if all you do is try to make the kids from the first marriage always happy -

Our best vacations is when SS is not there - there is no stress and no competition or me having to give up some of the only time that my husband is not stressed to the max so that he and SS can go and bond.

So to take one vacation by yourselves is not a bad thing - try and you will see how wonderful it is and so will your DH. My DH loves our one week trip a year that we take to Mexico with SS - it is his favorite vacation - does that make him a bad dad hell no - and it does make him a wonderful husband to want to take time and spend it with me.

If the couple in a relationship is sick how the hell an the family be well - you as a couple need to also recharge your batteries once a year -

SO GO ON THAT VACATION ALONE!!!!!

I think it is perfectly reasonable for OP, her OH and her kids to go on vacation without the SKIDS occasionally.

My SKID's BM takes them on about 3 holidays a year. Why should my kids not get holidays without them sometimes too? We will take a whole family holiday (me, OH, the SKIDS and my DD's) but we will also take a break just the two of us, and a holiday with just my kids.

DH and I travel without the skid all of the time. The only time he brings her is when it's related to his family. Unfortunately, she was with us during a mini-family reunion with my side of the family last year. She was well behaved while there (for once), but I hate being around all of my family members as it is. Having her around made it all the more annoying and stressful. I try very hard to keep her away from my side.

I have no children if this makes a difference. I am a disengaged SM and though my family is cool with her, I prefer to not have her around them.

I don't consider trips to see DH's family an actual vacation, and on two occasions have left my own DD at home with my mother.

I'm not seeing the problem with not taking the SD on a trip to see your extended family. I think taking her along would be silly.

I don't think it's inappropriate to take vacations or trips without the skids. I know of some parents that took the skids on their honeymoons with them. Um. Hell. No. I would've taken my ticket, and given my DH's to my best friend and gone without him had he even thought of mentioning it.

Granted, I don't have children of my own, so I'm not sure how I would react then but as of right now, I mean, I can look at it and say it would be okay then, too. BM has the skids (as it is right now) 2 full weeks in the summer, and I'm sure (at least from what they tell us) she plans on taking them on vacation then. Why wouldn't my DH and I use that time to take our child alone somewhere.

I don't think intentionally excluding them would be okay. Like, if they were with us and we decided to leave them home with family and take our child on vacation, that wouldn't be okay. But there are certain situations where I wouldn't see a problem with it.

I have my own kids. We also have kids together. DH has one kid that is a menace to be around. We have full custody of his other 2 and week on/week off with The Pill. Guess when I plan trips? That's right. For weeks when The Pill is with her mother. She can be a pill if she wants to. I don't bother trying to change her behavior. I also NEVER take her anywhere unless I absolutely have to. I won't even grocery shop with her.

I can completely relate. My SS11 drives me crazy and I can't stand being around him. He lives with us full-time so there's no break from him. I want to spend time with my kids and my husband and have time for us as a family without SS11 being around.

You have a great therapist. Ours is so focused on what SS needs and how to make him feel like he belongs, rather than the needs of the whole family.

My guess is that SD13 will be relieved not to have to go on vacation with stepmom, since she hates her. Enjoy your time with your husband and kids....SD can enjoy her time with her mom. I'm sure DH can find time to do something special with her if that's what they both want. However, at 13, you may find she's wanting to spend more of her time with friends than ANY of her parents (bio or step)...and that is completely normal, developmentally-speaking. And whatever you do, don't wait 5 years to vacation with your husband....second marriages have an incredibly high failure rate....this could be one of the reasons!