stop blaming the kids and start blaming your husband. He is the reason they act like that.. Sure BMs contribute a lot to character, but there is not a day goes by that my DH doesnt stand up for me to the kids and MAKE them show respect to both of us. I understand wanting to blame them for all the issues, like not having your own kids- but again it falls with your husband.

Disengage

It really does help. Honest.

How much are you doing for these kiddos? If you feel like the harder you try the more they resent you it's probably time to ease off anyway.

I struggled to build a relationship with my SD7 and things just kept getting more tense. I finally realised she was feeling a loyalty bind. Disengaging was the best thing I could do for us both.

Why should you have to do anything to make it better? Your wonderful man is an awful father. You say you will not be having any children with your husband so you obviously know that he is a big part of the problem.

My SD12, then 9, pulled the 'you're not my Mom' card. Only problem was, her Mom lost custody and she couldn't live with her.

I said, 'You are right, I'm not your Mom. I also don't have to take you to cheerleading, friends houses or let your friends stay here.'

Solved that problem right off the bat.

So your FDH and hs ex created monsters, your FDH to this day accepts the same behaviour in a home he shares with you despite it affecting you so badly you are now choosing not to have children with him.

Why do you blame the kids for this. The man you plan to marry is such a bad parent that his parenting skills have resulting in you not wanting kids. Hate him if you want, blame him though, not the ex and certainly not the kids. They are a product of their upbringing.

Your FDH could have married a raving mad woman with all the mothering skills of a drunken, drug crazed lunatic, he didn't have to join the party, he should have raised his children better if they had such a bad mother. There is no excuse for failing to parent your children and making them so bad that someone would choose not to have children because of their behaviour.

If you stay in this relationship, it will get far worse as these kids get older. Your resentment will be through the roof and eventually you will leave your husband. That's how this pans out, when the adults blame the kids and refuse to see that their partner, their soul mate, the man of their dreams is a lazy, slack arsed parent.

Your FDH is allowing his kids to disrespect you, he is allowing their temper tantrums and their laziness. He cannot change while you support his parenting skills by letting him off the hook and blame the kids.

Your DH needs to stand up for you. That is the only way these brats are going to respect you. If my DH didn't back me up my skids would walk all over me. SS9 actually said that I only have some authority because I was just the step mom. I told DH and he put him straight. DH told SS9 that "Your stepmom and I are equal and when you disrespects her you are disrespecting me".

I 100% agree with Echo. Run. Run fast, run far. We all have problems step-parenting, but mine didn't start till after we were married, and BM got jealous of our life...and skids go in phases, we definitely have times that are good and times that are bad. Now that BM has backed off, it's been way calmer...but the one thing that prevented me from completely losing it was DH's total intolerance of his kids being disrespectful of me in any way. Sure, we may have our disagreements with him spoiling then out of the typical daddy guilt thing... but as far as his kids are concerned he only sees the sun shining gold out of my ass, and they need to be respectful. No ifs, ands or buts about it. Marriage only magnifies and gives problems permanence, it does not solve a thing. I would not marry this man any time soon before he gets his kids in order.

so im assuming your DH is 31 and that you are of similar age (late 20's/early 30's).

i agree with others. this will probably not improve, and if you give up having children you will have much resentment and will probably end up divorced.

i would think long and hard about going through this marriage. breaking up is hard and painful but divorce is worse.

Well I think it's all been said! Walk away with your dignity and soul intact, knowing you tried and circumstances made it impossible for you to go any further. There's someone out there who will be a good partner and co-parent with you, MP. Take care!

Be thankful you are not pregnant and you don't have kids with him. Those two are about the ages of my two step children. Over 3 years later I am worn down, beaten down, aged about 10 years, dealing with auto-immune issues caused by the added stress of dealing with someone else's children. One kid I have made headway but even as good as she is (and she is a sweety) she could drop me like a hot potatoe tomorrow for mommy whose undying loyalty will always be. Rightfully so but when a BM latches on - forget it!!!! Some BM's will chill and let you have their own relationship like me. I have flip side where my kids have a SM and she is not perfect but we respect each other. However, I don't have 50:50 deal - I have majority custody and my two are doing great. What is your deal? If you have them every other weekend you might survive knowing you have 4 days a month of hell and you can find things to do outside the house. If you have them more than 50% of the time Mr. Wonderful may be looking like "I hate you because your children make my life miserable" really really fast.

Disengage yourself. Try to go about your business working and please give this time but not too much. The kids might adjust but just need time to get used to you. Tantrums are HIS problem. Walk away. Sometimes taking on kid out alone to a movie or somewhere - but not both at the same time. Even just food shop with one kid? But put most of your energy into other stuff and let them come to you. Smile and keep yourself busy, gym, girlfriends, go out, and be happy and time time time will tell you if this is going to work or not. No babies yet please cause your little one will suffer.

Good luck!!! We are all here if you have more happenings.