But there are plenty here that feel like you do.

You can vent away and talk it all out here, plus read around and look at the forums. Loads of fantastic advice. Take what is useful and ditch the rest.

I feel that what you are going through is probably normal, but you definitely want to figure out how to deal with this long term, and no time like the present.

She doesnt sound like a physcho brat, so its in your best interest to either seek out a therapy or work through things here...

I should really add that 90 percent or more of a stepparents problems are sourced from the parents who dont parent, or who parent out of guilt and/or fear.

Welcome to steptalk!

I think the complulsion to repeat a cycle of abuse is a more powerful force than you realize. I am guessing that having several step parents, at least one of which was horrible, is impacting you emotionally both consciously and subconsciously, that combined with the hormonal cocktail that Mothethood brings is a recipe for strong feelings. I suggest therapy or whatever you need to do to find introspection. Your SD will feel your adversion to her, not to make you feel guilty but better to be aware so you can work on it. Also, we all want to believe that we can keep our children safe forever but the fact is a lot of things are out of our control. It is important to be connected to your child but not to the point that you can't tell the difference between yourself and your child. 

The same thing over and over when i gave her the answer. It gets annoying real quick and i have to tell her to shoosh quiet as I told you before and i'm not gonna repeat myself 100 times. Then i ignore her if she asks again and at very most "i told you to be quiet."

has your sd been told that when an answer is given that is it, there is no repeating same question with why why why can i can i can i etc??

when i had my kids they were 1 & 2.5. Sd's had been no contact and disappeared 5.5 plus yrs. now they were 13 & 21.5 and the eldest especially thought she was automatically mummy and could interfere or decide things regarding the parenting of our kids.

add to that my son was anaphylactic and had severe allergies to egg and cat dander, sd's have 3 cats at home and every visit they were full of cat hair on clothes and feeding my son or carrying him. He always ended up with severe rashes, vomiting and bloating.
 

it also meant any physical contact they had with my daughter would transfer to my son. These were all signs of his allergies and because me and my husband are vigilant what we consume and pretty much don't have eggs or cats at home, we were able to minimise my son getting flare ups

i refused to attends any meets or visits because my husband wasn't dealing with the aftermath, i was!!

i think you need to talk with your husband, tell him this is getting annoying. I remember my cousins at that age of 7-8 and frankly many were annoying, bitchy, tantrumy etc. they're also learning about things.

i'm also half asian and married to an asian, helicopter parenting is typical in our cultural upbringing to an extent. Don't get offended by this but i just want to understand better, was you initially not trusting your spouse to even hold or care for your newborn, indicative that there is a bigger issue like do you not trust him to look after her because you saw how incompetent or neglectful he was of his daughter?

my husband works and is on call 24/7, he would still come home early in the month after giving birth to hold the baby so i could get a break and shower etc. he would do a bottle if i was exhausted and diaper change. When they were older he slept with them during the day etc.

he was also lazy at times and it would annoy me so much and i had to remind and explain to him how that all made me feel and resent him.

i also had issue with my husband not making time for us during the week due to work hours yet disappearing on saturdays from 10am till 7pm to meet my skids then come home shower and sleep, then sunday golf in morning till early afternoon and then sleep when he got home.

i told him if he couldn't make time to nurture our young kids when 2 of skids were adults, the youngest was a teenager, it was unfair of him to disappear for a whole day or weekend because he wasn't available to us even on weekdays coming home late in evening when kids were in bed.

i told him he needed to get his priorities in order if he wanted to remain married to me as I wasn't gonna stand up for this. Year 3-4 of our marriage was the toughest. I'm so glad we are past 2018 as divorce seemed to be the only way i saw relief. Then covid happened and put alot of stress on our relationship and marriage. 
 

you need to be able to communicate to your partner/spouse. Even if its not positive stuff, even if it criticises them or their kids, you need to be able to vent it out. I don't say nice things about skids to my husband (infact sd's there is never a nice thing to say) and i have told him if he wants me to say positive stuff, he needs to ensure they are pleasant and respectful to have around. 

i don't sugarcoat for my husband and am very direct with him. He understands and respects that and acknowledges the dysfunctional issues sd's have as a result of their mum and my husbands absence as he was sole income earner.

but one thing is my husband was adamant that dysfunction of skids/exwife would not continue into our household, our kids and our home. When hubby realises things are getting to far, he will address them even if he is reluctant to

struggling with.

Having someone elses spawn in your life is really not natural. Even in the natural world, depending on the species in question, it isn't always natural.

Take Lions for example. When a new male takes over a pride the first thing that is generally done is to kill all of the young of the predesessor to free up resources for the new males progeny and to put the lionesses into estress.  SOme dominant lionesses will kill the young progeny of other females in the pride.

At some level people can have the same feelings.  I know I did.  My bride brought SS-30 to our relationship.  We met when SS was 15mos old.  I truly enjoyed him.  Then out of the blue I would have a visceral reaction to him being in my home, touching my stuff, etc....   Not rational. I did not like how I felt and I commited to fix it.  I knew his mom was the woman I wanted to make a life with and I knew that I had to figure out the mammalian visceral revulsion thing. 

So, I changed how I engaged with him.  I carried him on my shoulders when the three of us would go for walks, we did playscapes together, I read to him, etc... I took the actions of love and the feelings grew. Quickly.

I have no BKs. SS-30 is an only child in our family/marriage.  I raised him as my own since before his mom and I married the week before he turned 2yo.  He asked me to adopt him when he was 22yo. We made that happen.  

I get your frustrations.  The good news is that  you are the adult, you have a mind and you can change this and how you feel.

I had the mammalian rejection of my SS. It was not rationsal, it was just wrong. SO... I fixed it.  My guess is that  you too are experiencing this perfectly natural mammalian reaction.

The fix... IMHO.

You have to figure out how to solve it. And... it is pretty much all on you.

First... the baby is not YOUR baby. The baby is yours and your SOs. Together.  I think that is the first adjustment.

Second, YOUR baby is also your SKid's sister.  Whether you like it or not.

If you and your SO are going to keep your family intact and your own child in a two parent family, you are going to have to shelve your viceral revultion to your SKid and take the actions of love toward your skid to grow the feelings of love. 

All in all, from your original post, it does not appear that your SKid is all that toxic.

Take care of you.

Congrats on the baby.

Good luck.

All children are annoying and need to be calmly corrected. 

"No."

"I said no, don't ask again."

"You are pestering me and I'm getting annoyed.   If you ask again your fun activity will be canceled."

But also, since she's not a brat, when you feel up to it,  give her some positive attention.  It will help your relationship.   The girl is your baby's sister,  and you want them to have a chance at a good relationship.   And a chance for a harmonious family. 

 You wrote in part: "I know how damaging it will be, and yet I still want to do it." 

My opinion? On Monday make an appointment with a therapist. Print out the 'blog' part that you made here and read it out loud in the session.  Ask him OR her to help you explore WHY you want to STILL do something  that YOU KNOW is (wrong)  damaging and hurtful. 

From my experience I had post partem depression when DD2 was born and my anxiety went through the roof. Also, SD8 was no where as annoying as she is now when she was 4. She was actually sweet and lovely when I first met her. She is enmeshed with her toxic mother so I deal with a lot attitude at the moment. Different child now. 
I BF my bub which gave me the excuse to sit alone for 15 mins and calm myself before allowing SD or SS time to cuddle her. I made them use sanitizer ect to help calm my nerves (pandemic outbreak time). Speak with someone and find a quiet place to calm before interacting with SD to help ease your frustration. It's not easy, but with time it gets better. SD eats no nutrients and her immune system is so poor she's forever sick. I still struggle protecting my DD2 from catching viral bugs that SD brings over. DH just doesn't want to be the 'bad guy' and still lets her over from guilt. So I still have to go and calm myself by taking a walk so I don't snap unfairly at SD (totally not her fault she gets sick as BM or DH doesn't do anything to improve her diet).