Do you guilt parent your own children?
My answer-yes, to a certain degree I did. After the divorce, my youngest lived with me, just the two of us. He went thru alot-not just the divorce, but also having a sociopath for a father, and a brother who, in effect, divorced both my youngest and myself when I divorced their father.
My son did get away with alot more than he would've if I'd been more stable. I admit to fearing losing him as I felt that I had lost everything else at the time. My husband, my oldest son, my home.
But-my son never, never treated anyone else with anything less than respect and kindness. He definately had issues, no question. The years between 16 and 22 were the roughest. But he was hurting himself, not someone else. The therapist concluded that he was taking his anger at his father out on himself.
And another but-I made the choice to stay single until he was grown. I did not want the input from a third party when it came to raising my son. I did not care how good the man I was involved with was, I did not want a third party in the mix.
My point? If H wanted to play princess with his 17 yr old daughter, put her above and beyond anyone and everything else, he too, had the choice to remain single. I did not ask him to marry me, he did the asking. He made the vow to put me before anyone else. A vow he seems to forget. Every day.
I have to admit that I did for a while during our divorce
I felt like I had to over compensate because my ex decided to be the king of all assholes. A very long story...
But I did realize that it was not helping my kids, especially bs. I stopped. Bs had a very tough time adjusting and when I got involved with dh it all got worse, but I always held him accountable and forced myself not to give into guilt. Bs is on his own now and on his way to becoming responsible. ~whew~ (still a work in progress, but much, much better):)
Bd was pretty little when ex and I split. I did go over board the first Christmas and spent WAY too much money on bd and bs, but I was so worried that they were missing out because we were not all together and I wanted them have what they were accustomed to. Then I woke up and realized that there is more to parenting than gifts. I made sure I was there for them more. They had my time. I am not saying it was all perfect, (it was far from it) but I fought the urge to be influenced by guilt.
The result? My kids were better off and were more secure about things.
My son has grown into a young man I am so proud of
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
He's on his own, doing well. Doesn't ask for anything from me (tho I don't stop offering). He is well rounded, well liked, and polite.
When I say I did guilt parent, I don't mean these overindulgent, starry eyed fathers who allow their children to treat us anyway they chose. I am referring to not coming down on my son as hard as I would have for mistakes he was making. And I still don't know that I was wrong. It was a hard time for both of us. Materially, he got very little (I do still feel bad about that), as I had very little to give. We went from a very comfortable financial life when I was married to his father, to poverty, almost overnite. His father was a master manipulator, formed a corporation, put everything in the corporation, with his new wife as president, and claimed a salary equal to mine to get out of child support. And it worked. I received $99.00 a mo. c/s, and paid $99.00 a mo. for my oldest son's c/s. Meanwhile, my H's corporation was making loans to H's best friend to the tune of $129,000.00. H & his new wife went on a cruise; he bought her a new car, bought himself a new truck (and I don't mean pickup, I mean a new 18 wheeler), new combine, etc. So it goes.
So I did feel guilty about what my son lost due to the divorce. And it did show, somewhat, looking back. But never, ever did I come even close to allowing the behaviors many of the fathers and BM's I'm reading about on this forum allow or encourage.
I guess my point is we all feel some guilt over the children's pain when we divorce. It's natural, so I think perhaps there might be more to the actions of some of the fathers (especially my H) than simply guilt.
Oh, I was guilty of not making bs accountable for his mistakes
as well.
And at first, I let him slide on one too many things. Then I wised up, but I admit it took time. He was much better off and became better to himself and everyone else. Dh is still starry eyed. We had a recent incedent with sd that sort of forced dh to look at things for what they are, but the reality check was short lived. 
Good for you for being a good mom to your bd. 
Congratulations too you for your success with him.
oops, I meant bs.
I did the same thing but I
I did the same thing but I think what I felt the most quilt over was now I couldn't give them the same lifestyle. I tried but I was more concerned with keeping the bills paid and having groceries in the house. When I did get financially stable I went a little overboard. But in the end it worked out. I tried to teach my boys to be responsible and for the most part they are. I will admit that I get a kick out of getting Father's day cards from them. I think all good parents suffer quilt now and then but the thing to remember is not let it take control.
NO
Not one bit. My children were 18, 19 and 20 when I got a divorce. My children didn't get parented by guilt for one second. I didn't even know what that meant until I met my dh and saw how he was raising his kids.
But an update. His 25, 26 and 16.8 year olds do not ask us for a thing, nor do mine. We celebrate holidays and birthdays and "happy" things.
His 16.8 year old gets a visit eow and his child support without fail but nothing more. Between the 6 kids (3 his 3 mine)I have no grief anymore.
My dh has learned from me. He takes my lead. I am a happy lady. Being a natural "worrier", I do expect that the other shoe will drop at any minute so I guess we're not quite out of the woods with the 16.5.
No, me neither
My kids were younger than Angel's when I got divorced (11 and 8 ), but I never guilt-parented them either. I never saw it, never saw others in my family or extended family do it, or experienced it in any way until I met DH (and heard stories about his ex).
They are masters at it, but in different ways. DH does the typical guilt parenting through the 'Disneyland Dad' phenomenon. When I came into the picture, we would go on shopping expeditions to the mall with his 3 girls (then 13, 11, & 8 ) and he would spend $800 a pop on them!!! I was both horrified and embarrassed! Clothes (they went to Catholic school- how many clothes did they need?), toys, anything they wanted and MORE. To his credit, THOSE trips quickly stopped when I remained in the picture. But the overindulgence and hesitation in saying "NO" continues in other ways to this day...
BM, on the other hand, is the MASTER at emotional guilt with the girls. She's a textbook version of an emotionally abusive mother, where daily guilt trips are inevitable- whether the girls are with her or at our house.
It's sad and pathetic. I often wonder what type of life lies ahead for these girls?
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
i was a child of divorce
and i can honestly say no i was not guilt parented. and my mom got nothing from my "father"...no CS, NOTHING. she did it all herself, while she went to school and worked 2 jobs. she never used that an excuse to treat me like i was entitled, in fact, just the opposite...she taught me to take care of myself bc no one will do it for me. she taught me to be strong, respectful and independent.
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin